21: Family Dynamics & The Holidays: Healing Our Family Triggers

Travel

Nov 10

The holidays are a great time for healing. Oftentimes our families can trigger childhood wounds, and by bringing awareness to these triggers we can begin to heal our family patterns.

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In this episode, I discuss family patterns and triggers, and how to heal them. I also answer two questions about how to stay sane this holiday season, and how to start healing your relationship with your family.

Episode References:

17: Why Life is Unfair: How When We Stop Believing Life Is Supposed to Be Fair We Can Empower Ourselves to Move Forward
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.
How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self by Dr. Nicole LePera

Resource Round Up

Become aware of your role in your family dynamics – Are you the caretaker? Rebel? The silent one? Angry one?
Set an intention for the holiday!
Utilize self-care and rest periods on and around the holidays
Start becoming aware of your family patterns now. Journal, meditate, and sit with your inner child.
Do one thing for yourself on the holiday. Take a moment for yourself. Find a way to celebrate with you!
Be kind and compassionate with yourself!

*Listen to the episode for more specifics about each suggestion.

Timestamps:

0:00 Intro
4:14 Teaching
14:25 Listener Question 1
26:45 Listener Question 2

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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher 0:00
Welcome to New View Advice, a safe place for you to ask your most vulnerable questions about life, relationships, healing, and so much more. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher. And I believe our fears and traumas are often what holds us back from living life to the fullest. Join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever is holding you back from being your best self. Let's get started. Hi, beautiful soul. My name is Amanda Durocher. And this is new video advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I answer questions about life, relationship, healing, and so much more. It is my goal and my intention to help you to connect back with yourself. Because I truly believe you have all the answers you seek, you just may need a little guidance along the way. Thank you for joining me for today's episode. Today, we're going to be talking about family dynamics and the holidays. And the holidays are a great time for healing. I know we don't usually view the holidays that way. But truly, when we get together with family, it is a great time for us to notice our patterns, to celebrate our growth. And also to see some areas in our life that we may need to change in some relationships that may need to evolve. And we learned what boundaries need to be set. And we also learn how to communicate better as we are on our healing journeys and family is a great place to start. And it's also a place that many of us will have to learn these things boundaries, communication, healing, awareness, forgiveness, that's huge when it comes to family. So I thought this would be a great topic for this week. Because as we come up on the holidays, so many of us feel a mix of feelings. I know that I used to feel a mix of feelings about seeing my family, I used to love the holidays. But I also knew that my family used to trigger the shit out of me. So I used to have a bit of dread. And I used to love to pick up an extra glass or two of wine, because that was the way I used to numb and check out rather than becoming present to why I was feeling the way I was feeling. So if you relate to your family, you love them so much. But they also can drive you a little crazy, then this is the episode for you. I think talking about family is so important because our family is something that we're born into, it's not something we choose. And depending on your relationship with your family, you may have the perfect family and God bless you. Or you may have a very traumatic upbringing, and you might not even speak to your family. But most of us fall somewhere in the middle, where our families aren't perfect. Our families put a lot of expectations on us. There's a lot of obligation, a lot of guilt, sometimes so many complicated emotions, that aren't always just love and joy, which is what we think of when we think of the holidays. And so I wanted to answer two questions. And also to talk a little bit about this. Because I think that we need to release ourselves of the shame, we feel around talking about family structures. I know that I've talked to people who tell me how triggering their family is, and then they turn around, they're like, No, but I love them, I would never say anything bad about them. It's not about saying anything bad about your family, it's about bringing awareness to the patterns that are in your family that may need healing and to change. There's nothing wrong with that. There's no perfect family on this earth. That's what I truly believe. If you believe that's your family right into me and tell me about your perfect family, because I don't think it exists because humans are not perfect. And that's okay, that's part of the learning journey. That's part of life. And we learn and we grow. And it's so important for us to look at these patterns, especially if they're patterns, we don't want to continue. A lot of times our parents give us good qualities that we take on. But they also hand down qualities that aren't so great. And it's so important for us to start looking at these so that we can change. And we can bring new structures to our family. And if there are things about our family that don't make us happy, or make us sad or feel guilty, it's important to start communicating that and to change that structure. There's no time like the present to change. And your family pattern does not have to stay the same, especially if it's no longer serving you. So today we're going to be talking about family patterns, family dynamics, and the holidays. So I'm going to talk a little bit about this generally, for a couple minutes. And then I'm going to dive into two questions. And yeah, let's jump on in.
Amanda Durocher [teaching] 4:19
Today, I wanted to give a few teachings about family dynamics and family patterns. Because no matter where you are on your healing journey, oftentimes family is something that comes up over and over again. I can't tell you how many times my father wound or my mother wound has come up and I thought I have more to do around this. Are you serious? Because they're complicated. There are so many layers that arise with these core family wounds. So this can be your parents, your siblings, caregivers, this can be extended family depending on how close you are with yours. So grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, there can be a healing that needs to happen and our family relationships are very Free teaching for us, they can be very, very triggering. And I just want to assure you, there's nothing wrong with that. I hear so many people feel so insecure and feel so shameful and guilty for saying anything other than positive things about their family. And I'm not asking you to bash your family, but I'm telling you that it's okay that your parents weren't perfect. It's okay that your family structures weren't perfect. It's okay to have feelings about that. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be really sad. It's okay to be resentful. These are real feelings. And by ignoring them, or by shaming yourself for having them, you're not going to heal them, you have to allow yourself to feel them. And the beautiful thing about bringing these patterns forward. And by taking the time to look at our parents as human, rather than by these figures we put on pedestals is that it allows us to heal, and to let go of these old family patterns and family dynamics that are no longer serving us. It is so important along the healing journey, to become honest with yourself about your childhood. And the holidays, as joyful and fun and full of gratitude they can be can also be a very triggering time, and can be a time that show us what healing still needs to be done within us. I can tell you in my own life, that the holidays always brought up for me things that needed to be healed. Every year I go home, I see how much I've grown in other areas that may still need growth, I know that I have grown so much of my family dynamics, but I have done this by learning to communicate, and also by setting boundaries. So another thing I want to talk about the importance of setting boundaries and families. And boundaries are so important for you. Because as you are healing, you're becoming a new version of yourself, you're letting go of your past self. But many families do not want you to change, or they don't know how to act around you, if you change, you've been playing this role for 2030 4050 years, even Who are you to change, especially if none of them have ever changed. So it's so important to learn how to set boundaries, and we set boundaries through clear communication. And by sticking to our boundaries. So say you go home for Christmas every year and it drives you nuts to stay at your parents house for a week, you just can't do it anymore. Well, a boundary you could set is Mom and Dad, I'm going to stay with you for one night, and I'm going to stay at a hotel down the street, or I'm only going to come back for the weekend this year, I cannot stay for a full week. And this may upset them. Or they may understand. But the truth is you have to start doing what's best for you, and letting go of a few key feelings that come up in family structures. So one of these is obligation, you do not have to feel obligated to your family. I know that's going to upset people. But how I want you to start looking at it instead is instead of feeling obligated, which can oftentimes come with guilt is when you're doing something with your families, ask yourself, Do I want to be doing this? Why am I doing this, you can choose to do things you don't want to do. But you have to make that choice for yourself and make sure that it's coming from a healthy place instead of a resentful place. Because obligation does not help anybody if it's coming from a resentful place. Instead, your resentment will just be piling with these parents, siblings, whoever it may be, you need to start looking at why you may be feeling resentful, guilty, burdened, under appreciated. These are many common feelings that family members can elicit in us. And you have to start looking at why you feel that way and the choices you make and if any boundaries need to be set. So I also want to take a minute just to talk about how you can start becoming aware of your family patterns. So if this is a new concept for you, family patterns, family dynamics, I invite you to this holiday season so over Thanksgiving or over the holiday season Christmas Hanukkah Kwanzaa Boxing Day, New Years, whatever you may celebrate. I invite you to start becoming aware of your triggers, becoming aware of our triggers, and where we start to come out of alignment. When we are with family signs. We are out of alignment or when you start to feel irritated, annoyed, angry, sad, unheard. And you start feeling these uncomfortable feelings. Instead of going to your usual coping strategy. Mine used to be another glass of wine. I invite you to take note of this, jot it down in your phone. Just write down I felt triggered when my mom said blank. I felt sugar when my mom made a comment about the food I was eating. I felt triggered when my dad commented on my drinking. I felt triggered when my mom said something about my sibling. It didn't say it about me. Whatever it may be start jotting down your triggers. This is the first step to becoming aware of family patterns is to start seeing them in the family relationships and so often we have amnesia when it comes to family, especially if we only see them a few times a year. So say you go on one family vacation a year or you only see your family around the holidays, or you see them twice a year, we often kind of forget what triggered us, because we know we're only going to see them every six months. But every time we see them, the same thing plays out, the same arguments happen the same, everything happens. And so to become aware, you need to start jotting these down, so you don't forget them. The second you leave the house or the second, you go back to your normal life. Because a lot of times hanging out with our family can be like a blast from the past, because we all revert back to childhood patterns. So I find with my family, the longer we spend together, the more these patterns start becoming a parent. And so it's really important to bring awareness, communication and boundaries to family structures to family holidays. And I know I'm making this sound easy, none of this is easy. And unfortunately, many of us have family members that will not be happy that we are changing the dynamics. But the truth is, in order for us to heal and to move forward and to be our best selves, we can't revert back to old versions of ourselves with certain people, we need to start embodying our highest self in every moment. And this includes in family patterns. So it can be really hard and really challenging. So I also invite you to bring love and compassion to yourself this holiday season. So I want you to start becoming aware of your triggers aware of your patterns, maybe see places where you turn back into an old version of yourself. I know when I used to be with certain family members, I would play this ditzy spoiled version of myself, I noticed this like 567 years ago, and I did it I fell back into it. And it was the first time I was like, I hate this version of myself. This isn't me at all, I'm only doing this to make other people comfortable. So I had to stop doing it, I had to stop acting like a version of myself that no longer existed that really never existed. But thought it was fun to pretend I was the spoiled brat before somebody would make fun of me for being one which wasn't actually true. So I invite you to start becoming aware of when you change when you're triggered, things that are said that may upset you. And you don't even have to say anything to this person. If you're not ready yet, depending on what your healing journey is, you may be very aware of family patterns. And this may be the year where you're ready to set boundaries. Or this may be the beginning of that journey for you and just jot down moments that upset you. Maybe you have children, and maybe there's things your kids do. And they expect you to show up a certain way. And maybe you're ready to stop showing up that way. And you're ready to start having more of an equal relationship, rather than the caregiver, depending on how old your children are, if they're in their 20s 30s 40s, or 50s. And like I said, None of this is easy. So I really invite you to have compassion with yourself this holiday season. So what that can look like is if you find yourself being triggered, you don't want to revert back into an old pattern, go in the bathroom, take a few breaths, jot down what triggered you and give yourself a little pep talk. Or if you need to leave the holiday party early. Go ahead and do that. Or if this year, you need to spend the holidays with just your immediate family or just at home with maybe your partner, I invite you to think about doing that I invite you to think about this you're doing what's best for you, if we've learned anything over the past year is that life is short, and we need to start taking care of ourselves and having compassion towards ourselves. So I invite you to do what's best for you, and to bring love and compassion to yourself. And I also invite you to be kind to yourself, if you find yourself being triggered. If you find yourself falling into old patterns. The moment you have awareness, do not judge yourself. Just go Oh, I see what I'm doing here. I choose New, I choose a new pattern, a new action, a new sentence. And this new action could just be getting up and leaving the situation. Going to bed early, leaving early setting a boundary, it doesn't have to seem like a big step. Because I think awareness is a big step. So many of us live on autopilot and half asleep, that it's so important to bring awareness. And when we do that we should celebrate that. We don't have to do it right the first time. That awareness is so beautiful. And so this holiday season, I hope that you're able to become more aware and intentional with your actions. I send you so many blessings. And I'm excited to answer two questions from two people who have awareness. But haven't made any changes in these dynamics yet, and they're looking for a little guidance. So I'm excited to answer these questions. So let's jump on in.
Amanda Durocher [question 1] 14:30
Dear New View Advice. I dread the holidays. I feel like everyone around me loves this time of year and I dread it. I'm not very close with my family. And this is the one time of year I'm forced to see everyone. My family has this pattern of fighting with each other on the holidays. Everyone is super passive aggressive. And by the end of the night, my mom's crying and everyone's storming off. What can I do to stay sane while I'm with my family? Thank you so much for your honesty. This is such a great question. Thank you so much for being honest about how you feel you You feel dread. Dread is a real feeling. I used to feel dread all the time, I used to feel dread when I left the house. So dread, it can feel like an all consuming emotion, to thank you for putting a name to how you're feeling and that you dread the holidays. Now, I don't want you to dread the holidays. So I want to help you to create some new patterns around the holidays, by guiding you with some questions that you can start asking yourself and some tools about how you can start navigating your family patterns differently. So I don't know much about your family dynamics. I know you have a mother, but I don't know anything beyond that. So these are gonna be very general questions for you. And you'll have to apply them to your family structure. So let's look at this pattern of your family fighting with each other on the holidays. And now everyone's super passive aggressive. So the first thing I want you to ask yourself is, what role do you play in this? So are you super passive aggressive with your family members, too? And just be honest with yourself don't have to get defenses with me. And so yeah, well, they are to just become aware, because the way you're going to change this family dynamic is by changing the way you show up in this family structure. So are you passive aggressive with them as well? Or do you stay silent? When your mom starts crying at the end of the night, and everyone runs off? Do you run off to? Or are you the caretaker? Are you the one who goes and makes sure your mom's? Okay? Because she's had enough? Do you go with your sisters and go spend time drinking and shitting on your family, I don't know what you do. But take a moment, take some moments, this will probably take a little time to think about how you show up to this family structure. Because the reality is so many of us want our family members to change. If only my mom did this, If only my dad did that If only my brother would stop doing this, If only my sister would be nice. We want these people to change. But the truth is 99% of the time, they will not change until you change. When we change in family structures and family dynamics really, in any relationship, their dynamic is forced to change. So either that person changes with you, or they don't. But oftentimes when they don't, the relationship still cannot remain the same because you're not showing up that way anymore. So for example, say you have a bunch of gossipy family members, and all you guys do is gossip about other family members, and you decide to stop gossiping, and you tell them I'm not gonna gossip this year, I'm not gossiping anymore. I don't talk about people behind their backs. These people may continue to gossip, but they are no longer able to gossip with you. So the structure has to change. If you want your structure to change, you have to change. Now with your example. If everyone is passive aggressive and everyone storming off, it's important for you to take care of yourself, because I don't know how much is going to change immediately if just you change. So a few ideas I have for you to reflect on are with the super passive aggressive comments. Are you comfortable saying anything? And just ask yourself those you might not be comfortable with that you don't have to be comfortable telling people to stop being passive aggressive. I'm just asking, Are you comfortable calling out this behavior? Are you comfortable with that? You may not be when people get super passive aggressive? Are you comfortable leaving the room? Are you able to remove yourself from the toxicity because you're gonna find sanity by taking care of you. So if you find that people are arguing, if you're not involved in the argument, and it's people arguing around you, could you remove yourself. And this may cause someone to get upset with you. And then I invite you to reflect on if you could leave that house. Because there's two truths, I want to say here. One, we are not punching bags for our family members. I don't know who needs to hear that out there. But I feel really strongly about that today. And you are not a punching bag for your family. I don't care how long the pattern has existed. I don't care if they think that is what you are for. You are not a punching bag to your family. And you do not deserve to be yelled at screamed at abused made fun of or any of those things. You are a loving being. You deserve to be treated as such. But you have to stand up for yourself first. And this could be just you removing yourself from the situation. You know, I find when we start to set boundaries and communicate it doesn't always come out right the first time and sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is to just remove ourselves. Sometimes we don't have the words yet. But we know that what we're involved in isn't good for us. So by getting up and leaving, we are respecting our boundaries. Another thing you can do to stay sane is to go in with an intention. So I invite you to set an intention before the day so it depends on what holiday I'm not sure where you live. But if you're here in the United States, let's use Thanksgiving as an example. And say you are driving to your family's house for Thanksgiving. I invite you to set an intention about how you want to show up that day. So I want to be present, loving and grateful. And I invite you to show up that way that day and to stay aligned with yourself and for your actions to be part of that intention. And when you start feeling unaligned. So say you have a sibling who starts poking at you, or a mother who starts criticizing you, or a father who starts yelling at you, I invite you to remember that intention, and to ask yourself what you can do in that moment, to live with that intention to be loving, to be grateful. And again, that might be removing yourself from the situation that might be saying, Mom, please stop talking to me like this, that might shock her if you don't have that kind of relationship. And then she might start defending herself. A lot of times when we call people out for bad behavior, they start defending themselves like crazy, and they go down the spiral trying to explain themselves. And if you can just stay aware and present with yourself. And know that you said what you need to say you can let them defend themselves rant as long as they want. And then just stay true to yourself, and then just move forward. You can even change the subject or you can hear them and say thank you. Hopefully they apologize. If not, you can just reiterate. Today, I just like to focus on blank. Today, let's just focus on having a beautiful, lovely holiday together. Again, this stuff isn't easy. Learning to communicate is hard, especially when we come from family structures that did not communicate well. I know for me, I had to learn communication skills in my 20s. With my partner, we both didn't come from families who communicated very well with one another. So we both had to learn communication skills. And the more I learned how to communicate, the more my family learns how to communicate back with me, but this is a give and take, and there's progress. And there's evolution, and we evolved together. So the beautiful thing about healing and bringing awareness is that we start to evolve in these family structures rather than the same patterns that no longer serve us. Now another thing I invite you to do, depending on your relationship with your family, is there any other person in your family who you could bring this awareness to? I know, as I was healing family structures, I used to call my mom ahead of time and kind of talk through something I was working through, or a pattern I wanted to change so that I felt like I had someone on my side when I was trying to communicate boundaries or show up differently. So I'm not sure if you have this in your family structure. But that's something I invite you to do as well is to find an ally with trying to change the family pattern so everyone can enjoy the holidays. Also, if there's any games or traditions you want to add in, I find that playful energy can really change up dynamics. So sometimes, if people are being too critical, and they're just talking, maybe throwing in a card game could work to help mix up that dynamic. I know that sounds very basic. And you might be thinking there's no way that would work. I just find when we bring in that game play, that that can be really fun. I also know that families can be really competitive. So take that with your own knowledge. But bringing in a new aspects of either a game or a movie or changing up what you guys usually do will also change the dynamic. So if you don't want to communicate boundaries quite yet, just changing up the activities you do could be helpful. So having different people help cook or having a game or a movie or a walk outside, changing up the environment and changing up what you guys normally do can also change the dynamic because people are forced to show up differently. So another piece of advice to stay sane is that intention, as I mentioned, but also to bring in your self care practices. So don't skip out on your morning routine, your evening routine. If you meditate, make sure to meditate on these holidays. If you need time to yourself, make sure to take that time. So a lot of times holidays are full days with our family. And oftentimes we don't, as adults spend full days with many other people anymore except at work. So make sure if you need to go on a walk, you go on a walk you take time for yourself, that's a great way to stay sane is to give yourself that time away, to reflect to breathe, to calm your nervous system down and to relax and to reset. So as I mentioned, you can meditate in the morning you can take time in a bedroom by yourself if that's an option. Going for a walk is always an option, even if it's cold bundle up and go for a walk and get out of the house and to reset yourself. That can really help you stay sane. But it's important to do the self love and the self care ahead of time during and after. Make sure you leave and you also reflect on the holiday. Make sure you journal as I said in the beginning, make sure you're taking notes about your triggers. But make sure you are coming home with Intel in order to move forward because we have to become aware of the patterns aware of our triggers in order to heal. So for you since you are in this place of dreading the holidays and being aware of this pattern. As I mentioned, I invite you to be intentional about your holiday intentional about how you want to show up, become really aware of these patterns in your role in these patterns. If you can, on this holiday, I invite you to show up differently. And I also invite you to reset through a walk through meditation, through taking time to yourself. And I know with people with kids, it can be hard. But even if you can just spend some time outside with your kids, or since it's a holiday, maybe there's someone who can watch your children while you go on a walk by yourself or with your partner. But I invite you to take care of yourself. And to bring compassion to yourself. Looking at family structures and family patterns is not easy. As I've mentioned, even though you want to change does not mean anyone else wants to change. So this can be hard. And it can cause more friction in our family structures, especially if people don't want you to change. But I promise that the more you take care of yourself, the more you show up for your needs and your wants, the better you will feel even if there's fighting going on around you because as long as you know you have your bank, it will bother you less, I promise. We are taught to take care of others first. But if you take care of you first, the thing is around you will not bother you and you will be able to stay centered, grounded and self loving. But this is a practice. This does not happen overnight. So I invite you to really become aware and intentional this holiday season. And to be kind to yourself. Holidays are about love and about joy. And I invite you to bring that into your own life, self love and self joy, invite you to make these holidays really about what's best for you. So I hope something in that answer helps. And I'm sending you so much love today. Happy holidays.
Amanda Durocher [question 2] 26:50
Dear New View Advice. My parents are divorced. So the holidays are hard for me. I always feel like my time is divided. And I can't make everyone happy. It always feels like the holidays are about them. And their needs are never about me and mine. They come off needy and petty and I really hate it. Any advice on how to survive this time of year? Thank you for your honesty with this question. Thank you for asking it. I think that through this answer, a lot of people will be able to relate to you and will be able to bring more awareness and thoughts to their own relationship with their parents, especially their divorced parents through this question. So first, I just want to say I am so sorry, that you feel this way, I'm so sorry that the holidays aren't a joyful time for you. And that you often are left feeling divided between your parents that sounds stressful, and not enjoyable. So I want to help guide you on ways that you can start setting boundaries with your parents, and also how you can start utilizing some self care and some self love around the holidays. So for you, I think you're going to have to set some boundaries and communicate with your parents. And this can be really, really hard. So when I talked about self care and self love, I'm not talking about an easy thing you're going to have to do. But if you want this dynamic to change, you are going to have to change. And changing can be one of the hardest things we do. Once we become more used to change, it can become easier, but it's never easy. That's what I've learned is that change isn't easy. And I'm embracing change. And I'm embracing that life is ever changing. And that in order for me to be my highest self, I have to constantly change. But it does not mean that I do not feel blocked at times I do not fear the change, I have just become accepting of change. And I'm starting to become in relationship with change, where I can say, Oh, hey, change, there you are. You want me to do what. And it's so important for us to start becoming aware. And you're starting to bring awareness to your relationship with your parents. So that's so fantastic. And that's already a big step. So for you, you feel like your time is always divided and that you can't make anyone happy. So the first thing I want to say is that when we strive to make others happy, but we are not making ourselves happy, we usually do not hit the mark, someone is left unhappy. So it's important for you to fill your cup first and find a way for you to be happy around the holidays grounded so that you can show up in a more loving way to your parents but most importantly to yourself. So oftentimes people pleasing, which it sounds like you're a bit of a people pleaser because you feel like you can't make everyone happy and people pleasing is a trauma response. And it's also a coping mechanism. And it's a way for us to be codependent. And what I mean by all this is when we are people pleasing and we are ignoring our own wants and needs. This people pleasing is us trying to control a situation. So if we can make everyone happy around us, then no one will get upset. Or if we can make everyone happy then things will go a certain way and we'll feel safe, but what you have to start doing Waiting is figuring out what makes you happy first. And then when your cup is overflowing, you can do things to make others happy. So you have to figure out one, these divided holidays, are they working for you? Are they working for you to divide your holidays, and this might be a yes, you just need a few things to change or might be a no right now. And that's the other thing, when we start setting boundaries with our families, they don't have to stay this way forever. But they have to stay this way right now until our boundary can change. So what I want to share with you is as a people pleaser, it's going to be really hard for you to voice your own wants and needs around the holidays. I don't know if you have other siblings who are at play here. So I don't know if you're going to even be able to voice that you don't want this division around the holidays. So what you're going to have to do is become honest with yourself about how you feel about these divided holidays. And the divided holidays might not change. But you have to allow yourself to feel sad about it, or whatever it may be. So there's a part of you that probably felt really sad when your parents got divorced, really devastated. When parents get divorced, it can be incredibly difficult for children because the family structure breaks. And if it's not handled correctly, or if it's not handled in a healthy way, it can be very damaging to children. And this is because the children often don't understand why it happened. And even when you're an adult, and you understand why your parents got divorced, you can see that they're not a good fit, it doesn't mean you don't still have to work through those childhood feelings and those childhood beliefs that are still there. So for you, I want you to take time before the holidays. But I invite you to start reflecting on your parents divorce and how it made you feel. I don't know how old you are when your parents got divorced. But oftentimes, this really affects us. So I have friends who their parents got divorced when they were young children and friends who their parents are getting divorced. Now, it's still affecting them, it's still hard, it's still breaking a concept they had in their mind, it's still breaking a family structure, things are changing, people are so afraid of change. And as I mentioned, if this change isn't dealt with well, or responsibly, it can affect more than just the two people who are separating, right? It's really affects children. So I want you to just hear that, because I want you to be kind to yourself, your parents getting divorced was not easy on you. And it continues to not be easy. And I am so sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know how much anybody's apologize to you for what two adults did. But that's what often happens with children is they don't get the attention around it because the parents are dealing with the aftermath, and the feelings of a breakup. But it's devastating to the children and they don't always get the attention they need. Because it can be really hard for a parent to sit with a child as they cry about a decision they made. That can be really hard. And not everybody gets parents who can be adult about it. And I say that in the most loving way. Because many times our parents still have childhood wounds. And it's not easy, it's not easy to get to navigate adulthood. So our parents don't always make the right choices. And that's okay. But now that you're an adult, it's time for you to take responsibility for your life. So I want you to reflect on how your parents divorced made you feel. And I want you to honor your feelings and give yourself the space to feel the feelings you may have never felt. Because you are currently put in a situation that is not healthy for you. And it's not good for you. But again, if you have other siblings, you may not be able to change up the holidays. But if it's just you, I invite you to figure out what would be best for you. Because if it's your parents in you, you're an adult and you're part of this decision about how holidays are going to be going moving forward. So I want you to give yourself the time and the space to feel your feelings. So I invite you to do inner child work. I invite you to sit with your feelings I invite you to reflect on how this divorce affected you. So many adults try to skip over this part. So many people when it comes to family dynamics when we're adults, we can see why our parents acted the way they did. Because we might find ourselves acting the same way in certain situations. We can see it from the adult perspective. But it's important to connect to the child perspective, because those feelings are still in there that is inner child work. I don't know anyone who is able to go along their healing journey and be healed without doing inner child work. Because those feelings live in your body. The Body Keeps the Score great book, how to do the work. Great book. Both these books explain how what happened in your childhood is living in your body and plays out in different adult situations. So the more you bury this, the more that just piles up on top of that childhood wound in your parents divorce is a childhood wound or an adult wound. As I mentioned, I have friends who are greatly affected by their parents divorce and they're in their 20s and their 30s So what you're navigating is not easy. And I invite you to do this reflection because of this other thing you say as well, that it feels like the holidays are about them and their needs and never about you and yours. Well, it's time for you to let go of the codependency. And what I mean by that is putting other people's needs before yours. And it's time for you to figure out what you need around the holidays. So is it split holidays? Is it one parent on Thanksgiving? One parent on Christmas? Is it one parent Christmas Eve one parent on Christmas Day? Is it a couple nights a Hanukkah with one parent a couple of nights a Hanukkah with another? Is it New Year's Eve with one parent New Year's Day with another, I invite you to reflect on what would be best for you. But in order to get a tune with that you're going to have to as I said, allow yourself to feel your feelings. So I invite you to meditate, journal, work with a therapist, talk with a close friend, sit in nature and bring forward how you may be feeling it sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed about the holidays. And I invite you to bring these feelings forward. And a really basic way to do this is to find a comfortable place with no distractions. Put your cell phone in a different room, breathe. Take a few deep breaths and sit with yourself and ask yourself how am I feeling? Your first couple thoughts might be I'm fine. I'm stressed I'm this I'm that? How am I feeling about the holidays. Allow those feelings to come up and just sit with them. If you're angry, punch a pillow, if you're sad cry. And if you're having a hard time to sitting with it journal about it journal and don't pick the pen up. Just let your pen free flow. It's so freeing to just let the anger the sadness, the depression, the anxiety, the unfairness out on the page. So you need to move these feelings. And it might not seem fair that you're going to do this work before your parents do this work. But you can listen to my Episode Episode 17 My life is unfair to hear why I think that that's just how it is. Life isn't fair. And if you want to be happy, and if you want to feel grounded, and whole, which you are always whole, but you may just not feel that way, then you have to move these feelings you have to heal this trauma from your past. And so I think that your holidays are playing out how they are because you have unresolved wounds from your childhood or from this divorce. And so I invite you to feel your feelings. And once you have done that, I invite you to come up with boundaries that you need around your family and boundaries you need around your parents. Maybe they can't be in a room together. And maybe you have to be the one to tell them that. I know that sounds awful. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that that may be a boundary you have to set. But the truth is you're an adult. They're adults, and they need to act like adults if they're going to be together. And this pettiness and this neediness is not good for you. So if you need to do a couple holidays on your own, I give you that permission. I know not everybody's going to like that answer. But you need to take care of you. You need to do what's best for your inner child. And you need to parent yourself, you need to be the mother and the father that you didn't have or that aren't showing up how they should around the holidays. I don't know how they are on other days. I don't know if it's not when they're only together. I don't know much about your situation, but you need to do what's best for you. Now, I assume it might be too hard for you to just not show up at all. So as I mentioned in the previous question on these holidays, you need to take care of yourself. If you need to leave a room leave a room, if you need to set a boundary set a boundary. Again, this isn't easy work. It's important work though. And if you're unable to do these things, yet, the best thing you can do is start jotting down when you feel triggered. So just start jotting down the inappropriate things your parents might be saying to each other or about each other. Because when people are cooler have calmed down. Maybe you could read back to them a few things they've said about each other in your presence and how that makes you feel. Hi mom, when you say blank about Dad, it makes me feel people respond really well to I feel statement. It's a common way to communicate about your feelings is to actually say I feel upset. I feel overwhelmed. When you talk about dad with me. Can we change this pattern? It's not easy because we're not taught to talk to each other in that way. But it is really helpful. And as long as everybody's feelings are down so as long as nobody's super triggered in the moment people can often hear I feel statements, but I recommend that you make sure it's at a time when everybody has cooled down if you're in a family that tends to argue. And as I mentioned the last one I recommend you take self care you take time to reset leave the room. Get into tensional with your days, and I also invite you, for every holiday you'll be celebrating this year, make sure you do one thing for yourself. So is that by yourself a president is that take the morning to have breakfast by yourself is that get yourself a special coffee is that go to your favorite park is that listen to your favorite holiday album. Take a moment, if you find that the holidays are hard for you. Take a moment to enjoy the holiday with yourself. So that could be really early in the morning that could be on your drive home from a parents house. But I invite you to find what the holidays mean to you. Because we can get so caught up in family dynamics and family patterns that we can forget why holidays exist. And holidays exists to remember the importance of love, gratitude, joy, for us to take time off work to be with ourselves and with friends and family. And for us to see the bigger perspective of life. And that all those daily little problems can go away for a day. And we can give ourselves the gift of presence and celebration. And we celebrate life. So I invite you if you find the holidays, hard to take a moment on every holiday this year, and celebrate your life and celebrate your communion with source. God, Sophia, whatever you call it, all names of God are welcome here. And just take a moment to connect back to yourself. Because if we have a hard time doing that with family, we can still find the time to celebrate with ourselves. I send you so much love. And I just want to send you a blessing across the heart waves that you are worthy of enjoying the holidays, that you are worthy of the joy and happiness. And you are worthy of celebrating life in your life. And you are worthy of setting boundaries. It is not selfish is self love. Don't let anybody tell you it's wrong to do what's best for you. I am cheering you on. I love you so much.
Amanda Durocher [outro] 42:08
Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of New View Advice. As always, I am so grateful to everyone who listens to this point. And I really hope you enjoyed this conversation about family dynamics and family patterns. I love to talk about family. So if you have any questions, please let me know. I'm going to do a quick resource Roundup. So for this episode, I invite you to when dealing with family dynamics around the holidays, I invite you to one become aware and bring awareness to your role in your family dynamics. Are you the caretaker? Are you the troublemaker? Are you the rebel Are you the silent type are you the angry type, become aware of how you act and your family dynamics and with each individual because you may show up differently with different people, too, I invite you to become intentional before showing up to your family's home on the holidays. This may be on the holiday itself or a week before depending on when you're getting with your family. But I invite you to become intentional and to set an intention of how you want to show up this holiday season. And be kind to yourself if you don't show up that way every day. But bringing that intention will keep that in your mind and will allow you to see when you're in an out of alignment with yourself. Three, I invite you to utilize self care and rest periods on your holidays. So as I mentioned, this could be going on a walk this could be taking a few moments to yourself going to bed early, leaving a family party early. But I invite you to take care of yourself for I invite you to journal about ahead of time and become aware of your family patterns and triggers ahead of time. So for people who have parents who are divorced, or parents who may be are confrontational with each other and with you, I invite you to connect with your inner child and to start doing some inner child healing around your parents and your childhood and your siblings. But around these family dynamics. Oftentimes, if we're triggered by our family, there's an inner child who's waiting to be heard and seen and has a lot of feelings about how things were when they were growing up and how things may still be playing out. And I also invite you to if you dread the holidays or you find the holidays to be a difficult time to take the time to do one thing for yourself to celebrate the holidays. So as I mentioned, this could be getting a holiday cup of coffee, eating breakfast by yourself, buying yourself a gift, spending time thinking about what you're grateful for. But take a moment for yourself to connect to that holiday spirit and to connect back to why you are celebrating the holiday and connect back to yourself. If your family has trouble connecting with the holidays and how holidays can be loving, joyful and celebrations. Make sure you take some time to do that for yourself. So that could be on your car ride to or from whatever family event you're going to or this could be in the morning or evening but I invite you to take the time to celebrate the holidays just for you even If no one else is there, because I find that if we can connect to the joy and the gratitude of the holidays, it can make the holidays easier and it can help set our mindset. So I invite you to try that out this year. And finally, as always be kind and compassionate with yourself. Self Care and self love are not easy, especially when it comes to families. Because we are so programmed and patterned in families that we always show up a certain way until we don't. So I invite you to be kind with yourself as you start exploring how your family dynamics may be able to shift in the future. Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of new view advice. If you haven't already, I invite you to follow me on Instagram and Tik Tok both at New View advice, where I continue conversations about the episodes and where I love to connect with listeners. Thank you again for joining me Amanda Durocher for another episode of New View Advice. As always, I'm so grateful to be here with you and to offer a new view on whatever you may be going through. sending you all my love. See you next time.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai