46: Healing Sexual Trauma: Recovering from Sexual Assault & Rape through Healing One Layer at a Time
Healing sexual trauma takes time. Many people wish to rush the process, but unfortunately it’s a journey that takes time, patience, and a lot of self-compassion. In this episode, I dive into my own healing journey and story of being raped in my teens.
This post contains affiliate links to some of my favorite tools and resources. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. Full terms & conditions here.
I also answer a question from someone looking for closure after being raped, and someone who feels read to begin looking at the layers of their sexual assault, but doesn’t know where to start.
Similar Episodes:
Journal Prompts:
How are you feeling today? List 3 emotions you are feeling right now. One way to begin to connect with yourself is to begin identifying how you feel throughout the day. Many people are disconnected from themselves and are not actually aware of all the feelings they have throughout the day.
How does it feel in your body to think about your sexual assault? Does it feel heavy? Tight? Anxiety inducing? Do you feel a sensation in a specific spot in your body? Stomach? Back? Heart? Allow yourself to journal about the feelings and sensations that arise in your body when you think about this experience.
How do you feel about the person who sexually assaulted you? I have found the answer to this question can differ by day. Are you angry? Heartbroken? Hurt? Scared? Allow yourself to free write about how you feel about this person. Do not censor yourself. You likely have a lot of feelings, so allow yourself to release these feelings out on the paper. You are not a bad person if you have really horrible things to say about this person, so write whatever you feel.
Download the full list of FREE journal prompts!
Book Suggestions:
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter Levine
Know My Name: A Memoir by Chanel Miller
The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass
Trauma-Informed Yoga for Survivors of Sexual Assault: Practices for Healing and Teaching with Compassion by Zahabiyah Yamasaki
Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture by Roxane Gay
The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz
Other Resources:
Interested in RTT? Learn more here
Interested in learning more about EMDR?
Long Terms Effects of Sexual Abuse (HelpingSurvivors.org)
A Guide to Sexual Abuse & Assault (BicycleHealth.com)
What is Considered Sexual Assault? A Guide on Sexual Assault (Florin | RoebigTrial Attorneys)
Timestamps ⏱️
0:00 Intro
3:04 Disclaimer
4:40 Episode Breakdown
5:10 Teaching & Personal Story
21:23 Listener Question 1
38:29 Listener Question 2
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NOTE: This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors
Amanda Durocher (Intro) 0:00
Welcome to New View Advice, a safe place for you to ask your most vulnerable questions about life, relationships, healing, and so much more. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I believe our fears and traumas are often what holds us back from living life to the fullest. Join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever is holding you back from being your best self. Let's get started. Hi, there beautiful souls. My name is Amanda. And this is New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. It is not my intention to give you all the answers you seek. It is my intention to offer you a new view and to guide you back to your own heart because I believe you have all the answers you seek. Thank you for joining me for today's episode. Today we will be discussing healing from sexual assault and rape. This is a process that takes time. I am very familiar with this process myself. For anyone who is new here, I am a survivor of rape. I was raped in my childhood by a friend's father. And then I was also raped in my teens by a group of boys who I went to high school with. So today I will be really focusing on the rape I experienced in my teen years and the intro. I'll be going into my healing journey with that over the past few months. Because this is something that I had looked at in the past that I've definitely sat with that I had come to terms with being raped, or at least I thought I had. But over the past few months, I've been asked by my own heart to dive deeper because there was still a lot of trauma living in my body that needed to be released. So one thing about trauma is that it lives in the body is that these experiences live on our body until they are moved in. There are so many different ways to move this energy to heal from trauma to Heal your mind, body and soul from these experiences. And I have tried so many different ways I have found that every modality and every therapist every coach has been important for me along the way. But I don't believe there's a one size fits all. I think that your heart knows what you need and is able to guide you to those steps to help you to heal. You just have to learn how to listen to yourself. Trust yourself that is such a big part of the healing journey is learning how to trust ourselves. At least I know that's been a big part of my healing journey. And before we jump into today's episode, I wanted to give a disclaimer upfront that says we will be talking about sexual assault and rape. If this episode is at any time too difficult for you to listen to. Please shut it off. Please take care of yourself. Please do what you need to do. In every given moment. After you listen to this episode, please take time to take care of yourself. If you need to listen to pieces that is fine. This episode is here for you. This episode will not be leaving, it will be here for you whenever you need it. But I'm offering this because today I'll be diving into my own journey as well as some questions I've received about the healing journey from sexual assault. And I think it's an important conversation to have. But I am aware that not everyone is ready to listen to this. And I'm also aware that you may not be able to listen to this at any time. I know for me, I can't talk about sexual assault and rape all the time. These are really difficult experiences I have survived. And I have to take care of myself. The healing journey can be so overwhelming, especially when you're experiencing flashbacks. It's important for you to take care of you. So the number one piece of advice today is take care of yourself. Listen to yourself. If you feel like you start leaving your body while you're listening to this or if you feel like you're panicking inside, turn it off. There is no pressure to listen to this. It is all about what you need. And I want to offer some guidance for some people asking some questions. But if you're not here, no pressure. So I just wanted to offer that disclaimer upfront. And today I will be discussing my own journey over the past couple months. To share some wisdom I've learned also to share a bit of my own story. In case any of this is helpful for anyone. And then I will also be answering two questions today one from someone who was raped six months ago and is looking for closure and a second question from someone who was sexually assaulted and feels they're ready to look at the experience but doesn't know where to start. So let's jump on in.
Amanda Durocher (Teaching) 4:39
So I wanted to start this episode with talking about my journey healing from sexual assault, because I think it can be helpful for others to hear other people's experiences. And I also want to attempt to explain a bit about the disassociation process because I believe many people have disassociated from the worst Things they have experienced. And I believe that part of the healing journey is coming to terms with the things you have disassociated from. So all the trauma we have survived lives in the body. Two great books for healing from trauma for anybody at the beginning of this journey, or the Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Vander Kolk. And waking the Tiger by Peter Levine, these are two classics. So these books have been around for a very long time, and they are referenced a lot within the trauma community. What I learned throughout these books is that disassociating from trauma is a safety mechanism of the body. So the body and your mind are always trying to keep you safe. So even when you're being tortured by your next step. So say you want to do something like go on a new date, and your mind is giving you all these reasons not to go. It's actually a safety mechanism. Your body is always trying to keep you safe. But we're so programmed not to change that we think anything outside of the norm is unsafe. When you have experienced trauma, which I think most of humanity has, this safety mechanism gets kicked up into high gear. And everything you do is from a lens of how do I remain safe. And I believe that this is also why a lot of people have trouble having difficult conversations, because what I have found throughout my own journey of healing from trauma, rape and sexual assault, is that most people can't listen to what I survived because their safety mechanisms start to kick into gear. And they either deflect, freeze, they start talking about themselves, and how they didn't know that that happened to me, but in a defensive manner. And I've witnessed all these different reactions, or a very common one is trying to fix me. And as a survivor, for anybody who's listening to this episode, who did not survive sexual assault, but is looking to assist somebody who may have survived sexual assault or rape. All I have ever been looking for when I tried to tell my story is compassion. Compassion is so hard to come by. And I believe compassion is hard to come by. Because I believe that most of humanity is not compassionate with themselves. So many people in the spiritual realm aren't even compassionate with themselves. So how are they going to be able to be compassionate with you. Also, what I survived forces you to look at the worst things humanity will do to each other. That's incredibly difficult. I would know, I survived it. This has been the most difficult past four months. Because in the past, when I have looked at being raped in my teens, I had come to terms with being raped, the idea of being raped, knowing that multiple people raped me. But over the past four months, I have had to come to terms with all the violence involved. So when I was raped in my teens, I was a freshman in high school, and I went to a sleepover at a friend's house. And she wanted to meet up with a guy in the woods at night and sneak out. And I was always a little troublemaker, because I found life to be so incredibly mundane. And the things that people worried about to be so silly that I was always looking for a thrill. And this is partially connected to being a trauma survivor from my childhood. So many people who are raped, are raped a second time. So for anyone else out there who's experienced multiple rapes, this can be hard for somebody who's never experienced trauma to understand that this is actually common to have repeated sexual assaults. I also believe my troublemaker behavior, which I can joke about now, but was incredibly painful to heal. So for anyone else who was considered the difficult child or use difficult coping strategies, admitting where those behaviors came from, is an honoring of yourself and also a painful process. I believe everyone who acts out there is a route to why they're acting out. And they're looking to feel seen and heard. And it's incredibly difficult to look back at your life and see that people shamed you for your behavior and didn't take the time to look at why you were hurting. I believe acting out is a cry for help. I honor anyone else who used acting out as a coping strategy because coming to terms with why I did the things I did was a painful process. But I am the safe place I was looking for now because I took the time to look at that. Sorry, that was a tangent. So when I was a teenager, I had a sleepover at a friend's house. She wanted to meet a guy in the woods. And I was the friend people would call to do bad behavior with I'm gonna be honest, and I was like, okay, and I can remember getting ready to sneak out at night and having an incredible pit in my stomach. I like a knowing that something bad was gonna happen. But at that time, I did not listen to myself. I mentioned that because I have had to forgive myself for that moment along my journey. And what happened to me is not my fault. I have blamed myself for years, it is not my fault. But it does not mean I didn't blame myself. Many survivors blame themselves because blaming ourselves is a coping strategy to make sense of something that is unexplainable. What I survived, I cannot tell you why they did this to me. I can make assumptions, I can make guesses. But what motivates somebody to be this violent? I do not know. I'm so sorry. This story has so many tangents I have so much to say on this topic, I could do a whole podcast on sexual assault alone. So I slept at a friend's house, we decided to sneak out, we met up with the guy that she was seeing texting to high school, were they dating, I can't really remember. And we got to this place in my town, it was a place where kids would sneak out to called the pits. And there was a fire and there were a bunch of boys and kind of went on high gear because at the beginning of the night, me and this girl with the only girls there, I was too naive to know that this was a bad situation. From the get go. There was this upperclassmen who's two years older than me, I sat next to him, he was so nice to me, I could tell he was into me, or at least I thought he was into me. And as a high schooler, I really was looking for love, I was kind of desperate for love. And I would have had a crush on anybody who had a crush on me. So I immediately gravitated towards the sky. And I mentioned that because this is another thing I've had to forgive myself for. Because in that moment, I developed a crush, like immediately. And I mentioned that because it's just another thing I blamed myself for. So I sat with this guy, we were talking, we were drinking, I want to mention that drinking was another thing I blamed myself for I blamed myself for drinking. And at some point, my friend kind of disappeared with the sky. And it was just me and a bunch of guys. And I decided I needed to go pee in the woods, you know how you just kind of go find a spot. So I went to go to the bathroom, and I was tagged from behind. I remember thinking it was a joke. I remember thinking that the experience was a joke. Like what is happening, there's somebody on top of me, rustling with my body, I completely froze. To be honest, I don't even think I said no, because my body froze. Another thing I blamed myself for. And all of a sudden, there's two people putting my hands down as somebody's on top of me pushing me into the earth, as they're raping me. And they're pulling my clothes off. And I froze. I don't even think I made a noise I may have but I don't think I said anything. I was frozen. After the first person finished, a second person got on top of me and started raping me. And that's when my consciousness left. Because I didn't want to be here anymore. And also throughout this process, they were pushing my head into the earth. So I had trouble breathing. So what I have had to come to terms with over the past four months was that I almost died because of the violence. And because of not being able to breathe while it was happening. I remember them realizing I was unconscious. This is one of those disassociation things where I'm not sure how I remember this. But I remember them kicking me to get up calling me awful names and kicking my body to get up off the ground. I remember while it was happening, other people seeing it happen and choosing to walk away. I know that at the end of the night, they didn't know what to do with me. And I was basically dragged home as a dead corpse. And then the next day I woke up and I was in trouble. Because obviously when we got back to my friend's house, I was unconscious. So we ended up waking her parents up and everybody ended up blaming me and saying I drink too much. And then it was all my fault. And then I tried to talk about it a bit afterwards with friends. I tried to voice that something happened and I was told not to talk about it. All those people who were there wouldn't even look at me. I became what felt like a ghost like people wouldn't even acknowledge me. And then I tried to talk about it and I got multiple awful responses. I got your liar. Don't talk about that. Well, you knew them so it's not really rape. And then I bottled it up. I started cutting myself. I became bulimic, I did drugs. I was a mini teen alcoholic. And I was broken inside. This happened when I was 14. And I came back to look at it around, I think 2627, I didn't actually acknowledge what happened to me until again. So I was 14 when it happened. And I bottled it up, I drank a lot. And I did a lot of coping strategies in different ways. And I checked out for a long time. And then, as I've talked about on the podcast, I had a friend die when I was 23. And the lights came back on and I was no longer able to ignore all the pain I was in. I was on this autopilot of pain, fully on safety mode lived in fight or flight. And it was at 23, I had to start putting the lights on, I had to start cleaning up the mess of my life. So then at 25, I had to look at what happened to me when I was child 2526. And then a year later, I began to look at what happened to me and my teens. And this one was so violent, it took years for me to come to terms with what I've survived, it was over the past four months that I was really looking at those other layers. So I mentioned that because with disassociation, the memories can come back in layers. At 14, I knew what happened. I know I knew what happened, or at least parts of it. But because of how unsafe it was to talk about I buried it. So by 1516, I wouldn't really talk about it. I know I tried to tell people I was raped throughout high school, and nobody would listen. Or I tried to tell a boyfriend once and he got really angry. And then that made me scared because I didn't want him to say or do anything. Because like I said, I almost died. So I was terrified of what these people would do if they knew I was talking about it. Even before recording this episode, I can feel that fear coming up of talking about this because this is something I have lived with for so long. And I haven't talked about. So now I'll talk about how it came back and layers. So that's the full story beginning to end. But it didn't come back like that. So when you're healing from disassociation, it can come back in layers. Even the healing journey comes back and layers. Many people will find when they're healing, they become aware of childhood patterns or things their parents did, and memories will stick. But it doesn't mean that memory was always conscious. That memory was very deep. And when it's ready to heal, it'll be something you start to think about regularly. That's how you know it's ready to heal. So for me in September, this became very apparent that it wanted to be looked at and healed. First I had to really come to terms with I was raped by a group of people, there was a part of me still doubting it because of the disassociation. What I've learned is that when I doubt myself, I'm in a disassociated state, because that's what makes me feel safe. I noticed that when I'm in my body, I know exactly what happened because my body does not lie to me, my body is truthful. But when I am disassociated, I start to doubt myself. So the first layer that wanted to look at was the people who did this to me. The second layer was the being pinned down, I hadn't really come to terms with that part. And I had a week where I could just feel these hands on me. And I had this image and I was would cry every day. The next layer was the not being able to breathe, my head in the earth, having dirt in my mouth. That was the next layer. The next layer was accepting that I almost died. My consciousness wanted me to understand that. That is something I had admitted to myself before. It's true. But it took me time to admit that to myself. The next layer was the feeling of being raped with my head in the earth. So I had to live through that for a week, it felt like this bodily memory. And I had to find different ways to move that energy out of my body. Then it was the trouble being in trouble coming back up coming to terms with for me, it was actually women, how women handled what I had been through. So I spent a lot of time blaming men but women, the women in my life and the girls who I went to school with had a devastating effect on me as well afterwards. And it's been a process so more parts of it had to be sit with individually. And I explain that because I believe that my body was holding on to all these different traumas, not just rape and a lot of people who are raped experienced sexual violence experienced many other traumas within the one trauma. being penetrated by someone is horrendous but there's other traumas that lead up to that trauma that also need to be witnessed, healed, integrated and moved. And I bring that up because that's a process I had never gone through before. So I felt a bit crazy during it. And I didn't have anywhere to turn throughout the process because I didn't know anybody else who had sat with each individual trauma of the big trauma and integrated each layer and also had disassociated. So I offer this with the intention that this will help someone else who's possibly moving through this process. I'm not sure if any of that was helpful to be completely honest. I am going to trust that whatever came out of my mouth in the past 20 minutes, there's something in there that is helpful for someone. So you're still here. Thank you for staying. Thank you for listening. And let's jump on into question one.
Amanda Durocher (Listener Question) 20:53
Firstly, thank you so much for this podcast. I can't put into words how much this has helped me. I was raped six months ago, and my therapist said I need to find closure. How did you find closure after you were assaulted? She suggested going to the police or speaking to the man who did this. Neither of these seem right for me. Also, I have been spiraling and self destructing drinking too much and staying out all night. Do you have any advice on how to stop doing this? Thank you for this question. I am so sorry for what you're moving through. I'm so sorry, you were raped six months ago, I am so sorry. I want you to know I am sending you so much love and compassion as you navigate this difficult experience. I am so sorry for all the pain you've experienced. I'm so sorry for the event itself, and also all the pain you have experienced after because trauma is not just the moment, but all the devastating moments after the trauma, the way people interact with us the way we begin to live in the world. The journey back to self is not easy. And I am sending you so much love. So here you ask how did I find closure, I am still finding closure. So I have made peace with a lot of what I have survived. I feel at peace with what I experienced as a child, and I am moving towards peace with what I experienced in my teen years. Now, I can't tell you what's best for you. Going to the police may be something you need to do that is a personal journey for each survivor. And also speaking with the person who did this to you is a personal journey for each survivor, I can tell you in my life, I did not go to the police. And I do not plan to talk to anyone who assaulted me ever again. For me with the speaking to the people who did this, to me, it is my boundary that they are not allowed in my vicinity. And even though I feel at peace with a lot of them, I do not need to put myself in a room with them. I know from my own experience through healing, that just because I'm at peace with this does not mean they are and I don't need them for my closure. Closure is something I have found within peace is something I am finding within. And I used to think I wanted to feel neutral around all of this. I feel like the spiritual and the healing community throw out the word neutral. But throughout this very unusual past four months, yes, it's getting rid of the emotional charge. So a lot of times the emotional charge can run us so it's why we react to things rather than respond. And the more we heal, it can feel neutral. Because we no longer feel emotionally charged. So we don't feel that anger or that sadness, or that panic anymore. It comes to neutral. But I don't feel neutral about what I survived. I feel more at peace and I am working towards peace with what I survived. But I will never be okay with the fact that people are raped in this world. Do I believe in a God and a higher power? Do I believe that there's a reason for everything that happens? Do I believe that my soul chose a difficult journey so that I could get to know myself better, that I could get to know the divinity that I am on an intimate level? Yes. While simultaneously I also do not support the violence in this world. And because of that the word neutral doesn't feel good to me anymore. So I've been using at peace, which to me is similar to this closure you were looking for. And I mentioned all that because I found this with a therapist as well, that I had a therapist who one week I went in and I talked about being raped as a child done, I felt like we had a good session. And I went in again, ready to talk about it again. And she looked at me and said, Oh, we talked about this last week. Why are we talking about this? Again, I thought we already covered this. And I think that people who have not experienced sexual violence don't understand how long this can take. And that's okay. I think it's a hard thing for people to look at. And a lot of people can want to fix it. It's so painful to look at someone in pain, we just want to fix each other. But I want to invite you to offer yourself compassion through this, to know that closure will come with time. But there is no rush in that closure comes from within, because you may choose to go to the police, that will not bring you closure, because there is a long legal process ahead of you. And throughout that process, more things will be triggered that you will have to continue to go with him. I'm not saying it's the wrong choice, I find it so brave, anyone who chooses to go through the court system after they have been assaulted or raped. The court system is not easy for victims. And I think it's important for the people who do violent crimes to learn to take responsibility for their crimes. But I also know that it's a very difficult process, which will require you to continue to go within to find that peace and that closure. I also think speaking to the person who did this to you may be a step in your healing journey, or it may be breaking a boundary for you, that's going to be different for everyone. You know what's best for you, but it will not bring you the full closure you're looking for. Because being raped and sexually assaulted is a journey within. This is a process of learning how to get to know yourself. This is a process of holding your own heart of self compassion, self love, self communion, you will have to get to know parts of yourself you didn't even know were there throughout this process. And that's okay. That's beautiful. Through finding closure of being sexually assaulted, you get to know yourself. And that's a gift. And I know it's hard probably for some people to hear sexual assault and gift together. But every challenging experience has a gift in it, we just have to be willing to find the diamond in the rough. And I have found through my journey with rape that it has brought me back to my own heart. So some suggestions I have for you with this closure. How to find peace within this is to one think about maybe trying a different form of therapy. So one form of therapy that helped me along my healing journey is EMDR, which is eye movement desensitization reprocessing therapy. And it's a certain type of trauma therapy. So this therapy is good for anyone who's experienced any form of trauma, and it helps to remove the emotional charge from some of the difficult things we've experienced, specifically the memories. So a big part of rape and sexual assault is replaying the event in our heads. It's a symptom of PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder, and the replaying can be debilitating. And EMDR can help to remove the emotional charge so that you're no longer playing the memory, replaying of memories is a sign that there's something that needs to be processed. Still, it's a way your mind is trying to move the event out of your body, but the mind can't do it on its own. So EMDR helps to move the energy out of your body. Not all therapists do this, so I invite you to explore that. Another type of therapy I've been doing recently is equine therapy. I have found that I need to talk about what I experienced and I also need to not talk about what I experienced. And equine therapy has been a beautiful balance of talking as well as exploring my inner world through communion with horses. So I get to see what arises what's triggered I also get to feel seen by the horses. There's something magical about horses. Another form of therapy I've done is group therapy. I've done group therapy for sexual assault and I found that really helpful in my journey to be with other survivors to know I wasn't alone, because it can be a very lonely journey. As I mentioned in the intro, I haven't been able to talk about what I survived with many people because I haven't found many people who can hold a safe space for what I survived in the healing process is finding safety within ourselves. But sometimes we need someone like a therapist to create a safe space for us to create safety within ourselves. Group therapy was really helpful. I've also tried hypnosis. I've tried rapid transformational therapy, which is a combination of hypnosis and guided meditation, and I can link that in the show notes. I did that through Jess lively, you Who you can look on her website. She trains facilitators in that, but I offer all those different types of therapy because it sounds like you may be in talk therapy, and that may be helping you in some ways. But you may need more than just talking about this. So other things I have done along my healing journey are working with therapists working with coaches, somatic forms of therapy that I've done with my therapist. So I do somatic therapy, which is connecting back with the body and finding ways to move the stuck trauma in the body. I've done that with my therapist and with my equine therapist, and I did that in group therapy as well. I've done Healing Retreats conferences, I've worked with energy healers, I've done Reiki I've done sound bath, I've done guided meditations, I've done breathwork I've done yoga, I've done goddess yoga, I've done trauma informed yoga, I've done ceremonies, I connect with nature, I've read books, I've read memoirs on sexual assault, I've read healing books, such as the courage to heal. I've used creativity, I've smashed stuff, I've used prayer, meditation, and journaling. Those are the three things I do on a weekly basis. I'm always praying for guidance, I'm always meditating with myself with my inner world with my guides. I believe we all have spiritual guides who are there to help us on our journey. I pray to God every day for help and guidance on how to be the best version of myself. And sometimes being my best version is showing up to this podcast other days is crying on the floor about what I've survived. And throughout all these different healing modalities, each has brought me peace in some way. Each has helped me to move a layer. Each has helped me to get to know myself better. Since I experienced rape as a child, the mindset created for rape, for me was very ingrained in my being. And I think this happens at all different ages. But I believe that your healing journey may not have to be as long as mine. But it will be as long as it takes. I'm offering you my life and what it's taken for me to heal as an example, but only you and your own heart know what's best for you. So to find closure, I really believe you want to start connecting back with yourself. So I don't know if any of the things I suggested if anything stuck out to you. But the connecting back to yourself will help guide you on what you need to find this closure. And how you mentioned going to the police and talking to the person was suggested to you and that doesn't feel good to you pay attention to that. That's you communicating with you. Where did you feel that no in your body? No, that's not good for me. Pay attention to that. Where do the red flags hit in your body? I have noticed that when I have a red flag. Like my body says no, that pins me somewhere different in my body than a Hell yeah, start to pay attention to where your red flags and your green flags are. Your body is actually always communicating with you. Just many of us aren't listening. So I invite you to start journaling and meditating with yourself. I talked about these all the time. But these are two tools that through a built practice will help you to connect with yourself and learn what you need in every given moment. Healing from rape and sexual assault involves a lot of self care. And these are two beautiful self care practices. Throughout the past couple of months I have found meditating to be difficult because I have had to sit with some really difficult truths. So I have been going to sound baths I've been going to guided meditations in group settings and that has assisted me in connecting with myself and it feels safe when I'm with a group of people. So if meditating on your own feels scary or hard right now, I invite you to find a group setting because I find it's easier to drop into that meditative state. When we're in a group that it is when we're on our own. I think that group energy really assist with that process. I also want to send you compassion for your spiraling and self destructive behavior. As I mentioned in the intro, I also used to do a lot of self destructive behavior. What I found to be the most helpful during those times was to be kind to myself as I was being self destructive. Now I believe when you start to become aware of your self destructive behavior, it's a part of you letting you know you're ready for a change. Many times when we're self destructive, we're unconscious that we're even being self destructive. That awareness that we're being self destructive is a first step and I invite you to begin to explore if there are other coping strategies you could use at this time. But while you start to become aware and dive into your own world, the best thing you can do for yourself is to remain compassionate. Compassion is so important when healing from anything special physically, sexual assault and rape. I think your self destructive behavior is because you are in so much pain, and you're crying out for help. Now, I'm not sure how old you are. But the older we get, and when we start crying out for help, who we're looking for is for ourselves to listen. And it can be so hard because oftentimes what our cells are asking us to look at and listen to, are very hard truths are very hard feelings are very hard emotions. These past four months have been excruciating. I have cried so much. I have screamed at the top of my lungs. And I have prayed to God to make it stop. But what I have found through allowing this pain and trauma to come to the surface, is that by allowing myself to feel everything that my inner teenager was not allowed to feel, the energy has moved, and I do feel much more at peace than I did four months ago. And what did I do, I offered myself a lot of self care. And I allowed myself to feel those feelings. And I trusted and I prayed every day. So I don't know what your relationship is with a higher power. But faith has gotten me through this journey. This journey also brought me to my faith. I needed to believe that there was something bigger than me that could help me through this, and that there was also gifts on the other side of this. And I know at the beginning of this journey, it can feel incredibly hard to think that there are gifts and lessons. But as I mentioned earlier, there are gifts and lessons and all the hard things we do. i At this point, live my life as life is happening for me. Not life is happening to me. Everything is for my greatest expansion. Everything that happens for me is there to assist me in getting to know myself deeper. I know that this may not have been the answer you were expecting. And I hope something in this answer was helpful. The journey is not easy. And I also want to offer that I do offer one on one sessions now to assist people with this process. I don't believe that healing happens overnight. But I believe it happens one layer at a time. And the more you connect back with yourself, the more you will begin to heal. And throughout the healing process, you'll have those moments of pain, but then the lead to expansion and growth and you'll feel your heart open. And that's why you'll continue moving forward because you'll see how your world begins to open up the more you heal. I hope something in this answer was helpful. I am sending you so much love as you continue to heal. Thank you for this question.
Amanda Durocher (Listener Question) 37:57
Hi, I was wondering if you had any journal prompts that would help with revisiting a sexual assault, more specifically one that happened when both parties were drunk and both being friends. I feel like this was an impactful event that happened in my life. And I feel like now I'm finally ready to reflect on it and revisit it. When I was a senior in high school, one of my friends and I were at a house and we decided to get drunk. She then kissed me repeatedly after I said no. The friendship I had with her was not a good one. And she put a lot on me. This event happened to me and she never apologized for it directly. The next day, she didn't even remember it. It makes me feel uncomfortable thinking about it. And I want to figure out in what ways it truly has affected me in all aspects of my life. I haven't ever fully thought about this moment very much. And I think it is something I need to I am no longer friends with her now. And even just the thought of her gives me anxiety. I want to revisit it, but I don't know where to start. But also a part of me feels like I should maybe leave it where it is. Do you have any advice? Thank you for this question. I am so sorry to hear about this difficult experience. You're navigating. I'm so sorry to hear you're sexually assaulted. I'm so sorry. As I mentioned, my teen sexual assault was by people I knew. I wouldn't call them my friends but they were people I knew and then I actually ended up seeing a lot afterwards. I can go deeper into that in another episode. But in my teen years, I had to learn how to navigate what I survived and also being around these people every day. And this is another layer of shame I've had to heal from to know that the way these people remained in my life afterwards was a coping strategy and a way for me to stay safe and that I don't have to blame myself for what I survived even though these people remained in my life afterwards. I mentioned that for anyone else who has had to learn how to navigate life after sexual assault. There is no No right or wrong way, there is no clear path. I believe the process will always be a bit messy because our lives are messy after sexual assault, our lives are in disarray. I know for me that when I was raped, it felt like I became broken. And I know I talked about this on the other episode I did about sexual assault, but it felt like I was a shattered plate. And I was repeatedly trying to put this plate back together and it kept re shattering and the pieces never fit. And that was all the ways outside of me trying to put it back together, I couldn't figure out a way to put this plate back together. But I was finally able to put this plate back together, it's broken me back together piece by piece by journeying within. And so thank you for asking for journal prompts, I will most definitely put journal prompts on my website, I will list these there at newviewadvice.com/46. That's where you'll be able to find the show notes for this episode where I will list resources that I've mentioned, and also will link to journal prompts that I will provide for helping you on your journey of healing from sexual assault. So I first want to honor where you are. Because you mentioned that this is an experience you haven't fully looked at before. But you feel like it's time. And I want to honor that inner knowing because I believe that that's very true for sexual assault, you will know when you are ready to look at this. And what can help us to become ready to look at sexual assault and rape and starting to unpack the painful layers is creating that safety within. So when I was a child and I was a teenager, I was unable to look at what I survived because I felt extremely unsafe. I look back on those years and there was no place I felt safe and there was no person I felt safe with. I felt safe in my room on my own. That's probably where I felt safest. But I had not created safety within me that even there it was an unsafe space. It was usually me in some debilitating ly difficult thoughts and a lot of criticism and hard feelings. And I didn't know how to process them. Nobody in my life created space for my hard feelings. I was constantly punished for my hard feelings. But because of everything I survived, they were on the surface. And they always wanted to be felt. But I kept getting in trouble. I feel like throughout my entire childhood, my teens, I was always in trouble. Everyone was always mad at me. So there was no safety in my life. So I wasn't able to begin to look at these things I survived until I was about 2526 is when I began to look at this after moving through the grieving journey with my friend Dolan who died when I was 23. And I bring that up because that grieving process was a process where I learned to commune with myself. It's where my meditation practice began, it's where my journaling practice began. It's where I started to get to know myself. And through that process of getting to know myself, the traumas I disassociated from were able to come to the surface. And so for you, you mentioned that you've never fully looked at what happened. And you don't have to immediately fully look at what happened. But it does sound like you're being asked to look at this. And that's going to be layer by layer. And you're going to do this by just allowing whatever is on the surface to arise. So for you, I'm not sure what part of this is on the surface. Is it the drunkenness? Is it the friend particularly is it that you said no, I would pick one part to start with and to explore how you feel about that one part because what it is with traumas, it's unpacking it layer by layer. So as I mentioned, those three things sound like one thing, but they're actually three separate things. So with the drunkenness do you place any blame on yourself? I know that since I was drinking when I was assaulted in my teens, I did place blame on myself. And I use alcohol afterwards to cope with what I survived to numb all the difficult feelings I survived. That was its own layer. And it was not my fault what happened and it's not your fault. What happened. This is not your fault. But sometimes we place blame on ourselves. So that drunken layer could be one layer you're ready to explore the saying no and your friend not listening could be a layer to explore. That to me sounds like there could be something there that could have created fear around using your voice feeling unheard, some fear. You could also be ready to unpack the trauma that's in your body. How do you feel when you think of her repeatedly kissing you after you said no. And start to unpack that layer by layer through journaling meditation or with a therapist. You don't want to overwhelm your nervous system. So throughout healing from trauma, it's about regulating the nervous system. So as I mentioned with the previous question, I invite you to explore different forms of therapy, different forms of self care, but I do think journaling will really help you. So I don't know what your current journaling practices, but I will list some journal prompts. But I also think just writing down the experience can help you. Since you haven't fully revisited it, it might help you to just start unpacking it piece by piece and getting it out. I know for me before I was ready to talk about what I survived, I wrote about it a lot. I wrote about the different pieces I wrote about my feelings, I would go on tangents, but writing about it was very therapeutic, getting it out of my body onto paper. Because when we experienced trauma, it can feel like we're carrying around a burden. And what contributed to this burden is the secrecy and shame that often goes along with trauma. And for you, you may feel some shame around this experience. And I think that the more you allow this up and to be looked at through layers, the more you will release yourself of this shame, because this experience was not your fault. I'm so sorry, this happened. I'm so sorry, you had a friend who put you in an unsafe situation, that can be really jarring for our nervous system. Because when someone we trust breaks that trust, it's devastating. Because around our friends and our family, we often put down barriers and walls that we'll put up for the rest of the world. And we're more vulnerable and open with these people. And when they break that trust, it can be really devastating. And it can take time for us to trust ourselves and trust others again, moving forward. And so a big part of sexual assault, healing is self forgiveness. Because so many of us blame ourselves for what happened. So as I mentioned with my assault, I blamed myself for ignoring the pit in my stomach at the beginning of the night, I ignored myself for the crush I had on one of my rapists, I blamed myself for drinking, I blamed myself for freezing. I blamed myself for how I handled it afterwards. And I blamed myself for everyone being mad at me. And then when everybody ignored me after I blamed myself for it happening. So there was so much self blame because I didn't know how to process what had happened. And I mentioned this blame and the self forgiveness because you mentioned how you're no longer friends with this person. But how it wasn't a great friendship, how they put a lot on you and how this person never apologized. And I'm so sorry for that. I'm so sorry. And I want to invite you to explore that compassion and that forgiveness with yourself. Because I found that since I knew the person, I did blame myself a bit and I had to forgive myself for that. I had to forgive myself for spending time with untrustworthy people. And you and I and anyone listening are not responsible for other people's actions. But it is such a common coping strategy. I keep reiterating it that blaming ourselves is a coping strategy because we are trying to make sense of a tragedy. tragedies are incomprehensible in our human mind, in order to remain safe moving forward, creates beliefs to help us to feel safe moving forward. So I invite you as a first step to explore the beliefs you have maybe created since this event, you mentioned anxiety. I know that after I was sexually assaulted, I became a very anxious person, because part of my body was constantly living in the future because it was trying to keep an event like that from ever happening again. So I was all of a sudden, hyper vigilant and tracking everybody and everything around me at all times. And I was trying to read into what everybody was saying what everybody was doing. If somebody said something, I would never take anybody at their word. I was trying to overanalyze everything. And I became very anxious because my body was trying to prepare for violence. And so how I healed that anxiety, how I healed from always living with anxiety, was creating that piece within and how I created that piece within was by healing and sitting with what I survived. And looking at it from a compassionate lens. And how I did that was mostly through meditation and journaling. I have had support throughout my process. And I believe everybody will need more than just talk therapy and everybody will need support throughout this journey. It is too heavy to go through a sexual assault journey alone. I really believe we all need to find resources and people who can assist us and different practices, if it's somatic practices, if it's sound baths, if it's yoga, if it's trauma, informed body movement, there are a multitude of modalities that will help you in your healing journey. And all those modalities were important. But what was also important were those moments by myself, those moments with my own heart, the journaling, the meditation and the allowing the feelings up and the allowing myself to see myself in a new light, the compassion that I needed for myself. I believe all healing leads us within it and your inner world and your teenage self is looking for you to witness them from where you are now. And it can be really, really difficult, but you deserve your own love and compassion because this was not your fault. This was traumatic, this was an unsafe situation. And when we go through unsafety, our body and our minds go into overdrive. And as I mentioned, one of those coping strategies is self blame. Another coping strategy is disassociation. Another coping strategy is the full block from the memory, the not be able to look at it, which is a form of disassociation. And all of these are okay. But to create that safety, we want to unpack this all one layer at a time. So since you said this happened, when you were a teenager, I would invite you to explore inner child work. And this might be too difficult on your own, you may need a professional I offer one on one sessions, and I'm happy to assist with inner child work. I also know many therapists do inner child work as well I do inner child work with my own therapist. And what you will do with inner child work through journaling, through meditating or working with a professional is you will begin to witness this teenage self because I believe our inner teens, our inner children, we are still developing so many beliefs about the world in our in our teenage years. We're developing beliefs about what it is to be an adult. And I mentioned this because I invite you to start exploring your relationship with that age of yourself. I'm not sure how old you are. But even if this was a year ago, two years ago, you were a different version of yourself, then you were different than and it's important for you to start witnessing yourself and seeing yourself from a compassionate standpoint. Your inner child deserves your love. The version of you who experienced this sexual assault deserves your love deserved so much love and compassion. You did not deserve for this to happen. I am so sorry this happened. I am so sorry. This experience happened and most likely has affected the way you move in the world moving forward. Sexual assault and rape often causes us to not trust others and not to trust ourselves, and not trusting ourselves and others causes a disconnect with us in the world. And it is possible to come back to that connection, but it takes time and patience with yourself.
I hope something in this answer was helpful. As I mentioned, I'll put journal prompts on my website at www.newviewadvice.com/46. And I just want you to know I am sending you so much love as you continue to navigate this. I know that this is not easy. And I honor the experience you're moving through. Every survivor who is willing to look at their pain is so brave. And if you are a survivor and not willing to look at that pain, yet you are still brave for being here. Surviving sexual violence is a courageous journey. And it is a commitment to yourself, to heal and to honor and to witness yourself in this intimate way. I am sending you so much love. Thank you for this question.
Amanda Durocher (Outro) 53:12
Thank you so much for listening to another episode of New View Advice. As always, I am so grateful to have these conversations each week and I am so grateful to have been able to discuss sexual assault in this way with you here today. If you enjoyed this episode, or if you've enjoyed any episode, I invite you to rate and review the podcast you can rate and review the podcast on Apple podcasts and Spotify. Ratings and Reviews really helped to bring more people to the podcast and help people to know that this is a safe space to have vulnerable conversations. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. sending you all my love. See you next time
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
