62: How to Heal a Broken Heart: Advice for Healing from Heartbreak & Moving On After a Break Up with No Closure

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May 11

Healing from a broken heart is challenging and many people struggle with moving on after a breakup because they feel depressed and alone. In this episode, I answer a question from a listener who is searching for healing after the end of a relationship and another question from someone who is looking for advice on how to heal after a breakup with no closure.

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Timestamps ⏱️

Introduction - 0:00
Listener Question 1 - 7:43
Listener Question 2 - 24:30
Episode Wrap Up - 41:10

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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher 0:01
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher. And I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started. Hey there beautiful souls. My name is Amanda Durocher. And this is New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers you seek. I believe that you have all the answers, you just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you for joining me for today's episode. Today's topic is healing from heartbreak and having a broken heart. I think that heartbreak is such a universal experience. And it's an experience that everybody can relate to, I don't know a single human who has never had their heart broken throughout the human experience. And I think that healing from heartbreak is challenging, but it's also really brave. I think as we heal from heartbreak, we heal our hearts and the more we heal our hearts, the more we're actually able to open our hearts and be more loving in our other relationships. And today's episode will be focused on romantic partnerships and heartbreak from romantic partnerships. So I'll be answering one question from a listener whose partner said that they weren't in love with them anymore and just let them in this listener is looking for advice on what to do because they feel heartbroken and like they lost their rock their friend and their life. And the second question is from a listener who was in a relationship for seven months and was ghosted, for lack of a better word, they reached out to the person they were seeing, they thought everything was fine, and then they never heard from the person that they were dating ever again. So though today's episode is about healing from romantic partnerships, I do think that we can have our heartbroken in all types of relationships. So I know we can have our hearts broken in friendships and family dynamics at work with coworkers in all different areas of our lives. And I think that though today's episode is focused on romantic partnerships, I think that if you're healing a broken heart, you will be able to relate to this episode and may find this episode helpful along your own healing journey. In my own life, I have been healing from the heartbreak of a friend breakup that happened in the fall, and it's taken me quite some time to move through. I have a friend who's been healing from heartbreak from a romantic partnership. And it's been so interesting for us to witness each other along this journey. And to see that even though I'm healing a friend wound and she's healing a romantic partnership wound, that our journeys are very similar, and that healing from heartbreak is very universal, and that we have felt the same feelings such as betrayal, anger, sadness, alone, feeling very alone, feeling abandoned. And what I've learned through this experience of healing from heartbreak is that relationships are our greatest teachers. Relationships will show us where our wounds are relationships will show us our triggers. Relationships will teach us how to love relationships teach us how to set boundaries, relationships teach us how to show up with an open heart, how to be our authentic selves relationships are such beautiful teachers, but they also are sometimes the most painful experiences we go through. Heartbreak is a universal experience. And everyone experiences heartbreak, just like everybody experiences grief. And I believe that grief is a part of experiencing heartbreak. But everybody will experience the death of a loved one at some point. Because as humans, we do not live forever. And we all experience heartbreak. And what I keep coming back to again and again is that relationships, any kind of relationship is an opportunity for us to look at our core wounds. And for me healing this relationship. This friend breakup in the fall has been so challenging because I've chosen to go extremely deep. And to see why this was so hard. And it has taken me back to my youth it has taken me back to those friendships in my youth. And I can tell you that what I've realized in my own life is that the first real heartbreak I experienced was in a friend breakup, it was in a friend relationship. So for me making friendships and getting deep with other women has been challenge ever since I was young. And I have had to look at why this was and how this dynamic was created and how I never processed that grief and how I replayed all these patterns throughout my life with different women and in different friendships because of this core wound. So though I have been healing from a breakup, a friend breakup that happened in the fall with a woman I met less than a year before. It was so painful, because it triggered my core wounds that triggered those friendships from my youth that I never grieved. It triggered the beliefs I created about friendships and how those were no longer serving me, such as allowing myself to play small, such as allowing people to manipulate me such as not using discernment in relationships. That was a big one for me taking people at their word rather than than trusting the feelings of my body, my gut instincts. That is something so many people do a time and time again is We take people at their word, rather than what their actions are telling us. And that has been a pattern I've played throughout my whole life. And I am feeling on the other side of this heartbreak, it has been an incredibly painful nine months where I have dealt with and into so many different things. It wasn't just healing from this friend breakup. But for me, friendships have been very difficult. It's been a very wounded topic for me. So I wanted to start the episode with telling you a little bit about this. Because today, when I answer these questions, I am going to encourage and invite the people who wrote these questions and people who relate to these questions to dig deeper than the President relationship. Because as I said, time and time again, I see that the current relationships in my life are triggering those deep wounds. And I talked about that a lot on this podcast, but I've been walking my walk and I can say for a fact that the situation's I'm playing out today, no matter how much it looks like it relates on the outside, takes me back to these core wounds that want to be healed takes me back to my inner child, my inner teenager takes me back to those moments in my life that still wanted to be looked at healed, witnessed, forgiven and loved. And also, before we jump into today's episode, I just wanted to mention that if you are healing from a broken heart, I have also done other episodes that I think could assist you on this journey. So if you enjoy this episode, and you're looking for more assistance or guidance on your healing journey, I recommend Episode Seven called healing from heartbreak, Episode 24, healing past relationships, and episode 34 breakup advice. And if you're somebody healing from being cheated on, or cheating in a relationship, I've also done many episodes on infidelity. And if you scroll through the episodes, wherever you are listening to these, you will see many, many episodes on infidelity as well. And I also wanted to mention that along with those episodes, I also have free journal prompts on my website. And I have journal prompts for healing from heartbreak, and also healing past relationships that you can find on my website at New View advice.com. And I'll link all these resources and links to these other episodes. And these journal prompts in today's show notes, which you can find at newviewadvice.com/62. So with that, let's jump into talking about healing from a broken heart.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 7:43
I have known him for 25 years, he chased me for three years before I gave him after six and a half years, he decides he isn't in love with me anymore and breaks up with me. I can't get over losing my friend, my rock my life. I have never loved anyone like I loved him. What can I do? Thank you so much for this question. I'm so sorry, that you're healing from a broken heart. I know how challenging it can be. And I know how painful it can be. Especially I know how with romantic partnerships, it's so hard because we're losing that romantic love. But also, as you mentioned, your friend, our romantic partnerships so often become our best friends. And so it can be so challenging when these relationships end, because we're not just losing that love. We're not just losing that romantic partnership, we're also losing one of our closest friends. I think that can make it especially challenging when we're healing because the romantic partnerships often take on many layers. And those partners can feel like our family or friends or lovers. And so it's a complicated process that involves many different layers. So I just want to honor you and say that I get it. I think it is extremely painful. And I'm so sorry that you're moving through this. And I want to thank you for your vulnerability with asking this question because I think many people can relate to this experience. My first advice for anybody healing from heartbreak is to lean into self care. So I don't know what your self care looks like. I don't know how long this breakups been. But I think that it's very important to make sure you're taking care of yourself. I think when we're healing from a broken heart, it's like healing from a physical wound or healing from like an illness, we have to view it that way. Because this emotional healing is taking a toll on your body. And it's important that you give it the time and the space that it deserves because your heart is broken, right. So if your leg was broken, you would put it in a cast, you would elevate it, you would ice it, you would take care of it. And so we need to make sure that we're doing that with our hearts as well. So I actually have an episode on self care episode 50 That you may find helpful to listen to as well. But I invite you to do things that feel good for you right now. Because my guess is that you're hurting a lot of the time. So it's important to work on soothing yourself and taking care of yourself that will be good for you, your body, your nervous system, and will help you to feel these feelings because that's always advice on this podcast is to take the time to feel your feelings. I think that it can be so overwhelming to feel heartbroken that it's important to take that time to feel heartbroken. It's important to take that time to feel sad to feel angry if that arises to feel that but trail to allow yourself to grieve this relationship, because a big part of healing from heartbreak is grieving. So I think a lot of people talk about grieving when it comes to the death of loved ones and the death of people in our lives. But we grieve so many times throughout our life, we grieve anytime something ends. And so you are likely moving through the grieving process. And I like to talk about the five stages of grief, which are denial, bargaining, depression, anger, and acceptance. So as you're moving through this heartbreak and the end of this relationship, you're going to move through those stages of grief. And I like to bring that up. And I like to bring awareness to those because I think that it's important to understand that. So if you're feeling angry one day, you can understand, oh, that's just a stage of healing from heartbreak, or if you're feeling really sad one day, or if you find yourself trying to negotiate in your head, that's what bargaining feels like. To me. It's like that negotiating stage where we're like, Well, maybe if we do this, or if we had done this things would be different. That to me is really that bargaining phase where we're trying to bargain with ourselves and figure out a way in our mind, for the situation to be different. That's just part of the healing journey. So I just honor that. And I invite you to maybe reflect on where you may be in this process. I also like to talk about what the five stages of grief that I don't think that they come one by one, I don't think you move through them in any specific order. I think one day you could be angry the next day, you could be depressed the next day, you could be angry again, the next day, you could be in denial, they don't come in any specific order. They just come in waves throughout the healing journey. So I mentioned that self care upfront and the feeling the feelings because I also think it's important when we're healing, to start to bring awareness to this relationship, and to learn from this relationship, because as I mentioned in the intro relationships are one of our greatest teachers. So I think that heartbreak as challenging as it is, is also one of the most transformative times of our life. And that's if we choose to transform throughout heartbreak. And I think so many people just shut down their heartbreak, and then they experienced the same patterns and relationships over and over again. But if you're here, and you're listening to this podcast, I think you're on your healing journey, which is a journey of awareness. And it's a journey of becoming intentional with your life, beginning to see why you do the things you do. And it's a journey of coming back to yourself. I don't think on the healing journey, we're trying to become something different than who we really actually already are. So I view it as peeling back the layers of an onion. So every time we bring awareness to ourselves, we're just getting to the core of who we are, we're not trying to create an entirely new version of ourselves. It's really finding that version of ourselves that's always existed. And I think that healing from heartbreak is a great opportunity to start peeling back those layers. And so I think that it's important to practice that self care first, because we really can't become intentional with ourselves if we're in a state of fight or flight, which can happen when we're feeling really hard feelings or when our sense of safety has been rocked. So it sounds like this person, you call them your rock, you call them your life, your friend. When those relationships end, it can feel very earth shattering because that safety, that floor is gone. But oftentimes, the healing journey gives us an opportunity to build a new foundation. So in Episode 51, with Andrea Giles, who's a coach for healing infidelity, so if you're healing from that, I recommend her podcast. But we talked about how these moments in relationships, these earth shattering moments can be the time to build a new foundation for a house, right. So many times, our relationships are built off of these childhood traumas, or these beliefs that aren't serving us or based off of codependency or unhealthy boundaries. And when heartbreak happens, the floor gives away. And we're left with what I'm seeing, like the ashes of like a burnt down house. And you're given the chance to rebuild this house, brick by brick with intention. And so I think that the foundation of the healing journey is self care. I think that self care is so important learning how to take care of yourself, learning how to soothe yourself, learning how to regulate your nervous system, learning how to be in relationship with yourself, learning how to sit with yourself, learning how to look at yourself in the mirror and love yourself. And self care is a journey. But I think that it's important to start becoming intentional about that self care so that as you're building this new foundation, you can continually go back to self care. So that's what it is. It's like going back to the first floor where it's like, Okay, I'm gonna go back to that self care. I'm feeling myself really triggered. I'm feeling myself really in my head, how do I get back into my body? How do I heal? It's listening to what do I need right now. So I think that when relationships and they're, as I mentioned, great learning opportunities. So how we can learn from our relationships is to begin journaling about them meditating about them. We can go to therapy, if you feel like you need support through this process, but it's starting to look at the patterns that we're playing out in this really sonship looking at how you felt in this relationship, looking at what your triggers in this relationship are looking at maybe things you didn't see throughout the relationship? Were there red flags you ignored? Because this person was your rock was your life? Are there ways you showed up that were in authentic to yourself? Were you playing out patterns from your childhood? Look at how any parts of this relationship may have mirrored your parents relationship or your caregivers relationship? Or were you playing out a pattern of something that was lacking in your childhood? Is there a way you wish your mother had shown up? So you found yourself showing up this way? But then that wasn't what your partner was looking for? It's becoming intentional in looking at this situation and how it was created. And also throughout healing from heartbreak, a lot of times when we're broken up with, we feel rejected, we feel denied, we feel like we did something wrong. And I want to tell you that you did nothing wrong. Relationships take two people, relationships are challenging. And I don't know a lot from your question. But if you felt blindsided by this breakup, one I'm very sorry, because it's heartbreaking to be blindsided. But to that would tell me that this person you're with likely didn't take that opportunity to discuss maybe what was wrong and how they fell out of love with you. Because I think that happens, I think people grow apart. I also think that sometimes when to unconscious, people who are unaware of their childhood wounds and how they're playing out in relationships get together, they cannot understand why things don't say rosy and peachy and all happy throughout entire relationship. As somebody in a 12 year relationship, I can tell you that there are many ups and downs and that the only way my partner and I have been able to stay together is by becoming conscious of our triggers conscious of why we act the way we do, why we react to each other the way we do, and how our childhoods and traumas we experience affect who we are today and how we show up in relationship and also by learning each other's love language. And if that was unnatural for us, learning to show up in that way. But that takes a lot of work. That takes a lot of consciousness. And not everybody chooses to do that. And sometimes one person chooses to do it in relationship and another doesn't. So I believe when relationships and I feel like we have to move away from it being somebody's fault. And learning to look at how the situation was created as a whole. And allowing ourselves to feel the feelings, and then also taking the lessons from it. I don't think it has to be somebody's fault. I think that as we move through and heal, we see that experiences happen. And by taking those growth opportunities by learning from them, and by changing, we're able to view it with gratitude, and then it really doesn't have to be anybody's fault. So for you, it sounds like you may be at the beginning of your healing. And I think that as I mentioned that self care is going to be really important. Allowing yourself to feel the feelings you don't have to be okay. And for anybody out there, it's okay to not be okay. And the more we allow ourselves to really just have those hard days, I want you to lean into the things that feel good. Do you want to stay in bed a little longer? Do you want to dance and listen to music? Do you want to watch a movie like a comedy that just makes you feel better? Do the things that feel good because a big part of healing from heartbreak is that you have to understand that the part of you that is very triggered when somebody leaves is your inner child, and your inner child is looking for a sense of safety. Because when we experience heartbreak, oftentimes we feel very unsafe, because as I mentioned, that foundation is broken. And we're sitting in the ashes. And we're like, what do we do, oh my God, my whole world has shattered. And that's why we move through the grieving process because on the other side of this heartbreak, you will be reborn, you will be like the phoenix rising from those ashes. Because through healing this, you will be another person on the other side, because your life has changed. So there's no other way but you've changed. I believe that a prayer for healing is a prayer for change. Every layer we heal every relationship we look at every time we come back to gratitude. Every time we feel those feelings. We're changing. We're changing who we are and how we show up in the world. And your inner child is likely the one who's triggered by this. So when you are beginning to look at these patterns, I invite you to really dive into sitting with your inner child speaking with your inner child seeing what patterns you have played out throughout your life. In your question. You mentioned that he chased you for three years before you gave in. And to me I think that's an interesting pattern. Maybe you're playing out or I think that's an interesting dynamic that you feel like he chased you and then you gave in. So I'm wondering if there was maybe up power dynamics. So when you were being chased, it felt like you had the power. And then when you gave in maybe it felt like he had more of the power in the relationship, because he's the one who ended it. And I think a lot of us play out power dynamics and relationships. So maybe that's something to look at. Is that a pattern your parents played out? Or is there a reason why you may have played out these power dynamics in your own relationship and in your life? Is there a reason why you thought maybe having the power before quote, unquote giving in was important for you. And maybe that was a way your inner child felt safe. And maybe after being chased for three years, you felt safe enough to enter the relationship, because three years, maybe two, you marked that this person really cared. And so you let them in, maybe you don't let a lot of people in, maybe you let a lot of people in, these are just questions to start asking yourself, but maybe you don't let a lot of people in and you let this person in, because they chased you for three years. So that was you seeing that they cared, you let them in. And then six and a half years later, they leave. But maybe throughout those six and a half years, you changed and that power dynamic changed. And if you never looked at that, then there could be things that played out throughout your relationship? I don't know, I don't have a lot of information from this question. These are all just questions that I would ask myself, and that I think may be helpful for you on your healing journey, or for somebody else who maybe can relate to this question. And so as you are leaning into self care, feeling your feelings, looking at these relationship patterns, I also invite you to do things for you. So to like, circle back and lean into that self care, embrace some play in your life, be compassionate with yourself. Maybe there's something creative you could do. Creativity always helps me through heartbreak, channeling those hard feelings into poetry into stories into art, I have always found that to be helpful. So I invite you to lean into a creative outlet as your healing, but I invite you to be kind and gentle to yourself. Again, I think that healing from heartbreak can be one of those really transformative experiences, but it's also challenging. And I saw this post on Instagram the other day actually saw like three posts that said this. So then I was like, Okay, I feel like this is a lesson in my life right now, too. It felt like the universe, just repeating this message. But it's hard not to heal. And it's also hard to heal. And I believe that life is about choosing your heart. So I just honor this experience you're moving through, it's not easy. And everything I just suggested, isn't easy, either. It's not easy to look at our childhood wounds. It's not easy to say with our inner child, it's not easy to heal. It's not easy to feel those hard feelings. But it's also not easy to not do it. It's not easy to just shove all that stuff down and never heal. It's not easy to live an unconscious life. And it's not easy to live a conscious life. It's about choosing your heart. And I think that the healing journey is beautiful. Because the more we heal, the more we open up to life and the more love we can allow in. So that's the heart I choose. And I believe that's the hard most people choose. If they're listening to this podcast, I don't think you'd listen to it if you weren't looking to heal. So I just wanted to offer that that I understand how challenging this is. And it's not an easy journey you're on. But I do believe that at the other end of this heartbreak, you will feel like a new version of yourself, you will feel like a more whole version of yourself because you will have sat with yourself and witnessed yourself. And you will love yourself more on the other end of this. And I believe that's what life is about. Life is about community and learning to love others. I think relationship is a huge part of life. But I also think a big part of life is learning to love ourselves. Because the deeper we'll have ourselves, the more we can love others. And the more we can show up to relationship in a more compassionate, loving and authentic way. And then we can allow ourselves to truly be seen. And that's what we're all searching for love, feeling seen feeling heard. And that is on the other side of you sitting with you seeing you and hearing you. So I hope something in this answer was helpful. And I am sending you so much love as you continue to heal from a broken heart.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 24:30
I'm not sure where to start or what's relevant, but I'm healing from a broken heart. I'm trying to get over my ex but I'm not sure how I was with this guy. For seven months. We had an amazing connection we connected physically and emotionally. We didn't see each other all the time. But when we did it was amazing. I've never had a connection like it after the last time I saw him and we had sex. I texted him and saw that he read it and he never responded. It's been one month and still no word. I saw that he unfollowed me on Instagram and I'm heartbroken. I have no clue what I did and I have no idea how to move on. I feel stuck in heartbreak. Any advice on how to get past this? Thank you for this question. I am so sorry that you experienced this. I think that it's so sad when people just go no contact and for lack of a better word. To ghosts to each other, I think that it creates a very hurtful and hard experience to move through. Because I think that lack of contact going from full contact to No Contact is really difficult. And I also think that the lack of closure when somebody goes can be really hard to move through. I do want to say that unfortunately, I think that you may have to heal without external closure, you're probably going to have to find internal closure, which means that you'll have to find that closure within and not from this person, because they've chosen not to talk to you anymore. But I do want to honor how hard this is. And I want to say that you're definitely not alone, I have spoken to many people who have gone through similar experiences. And sometimes they end up hearing from the person again, and sometimes they don't. But I do just want to honor how hard this is. And I just want to send you so much love as you continue to heal from this experience. So as I mentioned, in the first question, I recommend self care, I recommend feeling those feelings. And I recommend beginning to look at the patterns of this relationship. To me with this experience you had, I am wondering if maybe there were some red flags before this experience. And when I talked about red flags, I don't think that it's a reason to shame ourselves like, Oh my God, I didn't see the red flags, I just find that so many experiences I've had in my life. And I look back on after relationships have ended, I can see the red flags for lack of a better word, or I can see the moments I chose to ignore, I can see that there were instances where I chose to ignore my gut instinct. And I chose to take somebody at their word or where I chose to mute my need and allowed somebody else to have their need or where I didn't speak my truth. And those are what I'm considering red flags. It's like those moments where you look back and you're like, oh, man, I can see that now with clarity. And when we begin to look at red flags, it's not about judging ourselves, and like hitting ourselves over the head like being like, how did you ignore that? How did you see that? You're so stupid? No, no, no, it's becoming curious about them. It's becoming loving and compassionate with ourselves. And understanding that many times we ignore red flags, we can ignore red flags for many reasons. One can be inner child wounds, if we play out patterns from our lives. So say you take people at their word to a fault. And say, you've noticed in the past that you've caught people lying to you, but you've ignored it. And you continue to do that that can be an inner child wound because the inner child had to take people at their word, because maybe people weren't truthful. But it would have been too painful at the time to look at that to say you had untruthful parents, for example, say you had a parent who continually lied to you. And you could tell as a child, and maybe you even called that parent out, and you got reprimanded from it, then your inner child would learn that they should take people at their word, no matter the cost, because they don't want to be reprimanded. That's just an example of inner child wound. But there can be a million different reasons why an inner child would ignore red flags. And another reason is that maybe you've never been given a reason not to trust somebody. So when some untrustworthy behavior happened, you just continued to ignore it, that can be a reason we ignore red flags. Also, I think a big reason we ignore red flags, or we ignore those signs or those hits from our intuition, or those gut instincts is that we don't want the truth. Because we'd prefer to be in a relationship we'd prefer to be loved, we'd prefer to be seen, or we think it'll work itself out. Or we tell ourselves that it's a lie. And that we're making it up because that's easier than sitting with the truth that maybe somebody's lying to us, or that maybe somebody's behavior isn't matching their words. Or maybe somebody is saying one thing and doing another thing, or maybe that somebody isn't as great for us as we think they are. That can be incredibly painful for us to admit to ourselves. So it can be easier to ignore it because there's a part of us maybe that hopes it'll just go away, or that it'll change on its own. But that's often not the case. So when we begin to look at red flags, or moments in a relationship that maybe weren't what we thought it was, or we can see it in a new light. Now, again, it's about bringing that curious energy, that compassionate energy. It is not about judging ourselves or reprimanding ourselves. We are human. And it is a blessing and a curse sometimes to trust people, right? So when we are learning how to discern situations, and we're learning how to trust ourselves, we can often end up trusting the wrong people. It's part of being human. And oftentimes other people can be really good liars. Or they can be really deceptive or in this situation, maybe you had a great relationship and this guy got really triggered. Maybe he's an avoidant attachment type, which means that he tends to run When things get serious, there's anxious attachment types that tend to cling. And there's avoidant attachment types that tend to run. That's a very basic definition of these attachment styles. So if you're interested, there's a book called attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, which goes really deep into the attachment styles. And you can take a test to see what your attachment style is. But for this example, let's say that he was an avoidant attachment type. So he tends to run when things get really good. And when you start to feel loved, he tends to run out of fear. And say, you're an anxious attachment type who tends to cling, so you tend to get really anxious, if he's not around, maybe he just got triggered. And he ran because things were too good. That can happen too. And that could have nothing to do with you, it could mean that things were really good in that person decided to run and that can be really painful to heal from. And the truth is, you may never know why this person did what they did. And that's why it's important for you to heal, and to learn from this experience and to allow yourself to heal from this broken heart. And to find that inner closure. And I find oftentimes that inner closure comes from looking at our own wounds. As I mentioned in the intro, I was healing from a friend breakup for the past couple months. And what I found healed my heart because honestly, in this friend breakup I had, it was kind of a similar situation where we were really, really close, I tried to set a small boundary, and we never spoke again. And it wasn't like a Let's never talk again, it was just I wasn't comfortable voice messaging with this person, because I was getting kind of red flags and pings that something was off in the relationship. And when I didn't want to voice message anymore, our friendship entirely ended, they never reached out again, I said, Hey, I don't want a voice message. But I'd still love to text call or we can hang out in person. And we just never spoke again. And that was so hard. For me. I couldn't believe that I set this small boundary. But I thought it was a small boundary. And the relationship ended. We never spoke again. And I know I could have reached out and all these things. But what I learned through this experience was I went really deep, I went really deep within I was like what happened here, and I kept being returned to so many relationships from high school, middle school in high school, like the time in my life when I really developed friendships. Because I had a trauma happened when I was in like the fifth grade, somebody close in my life had died. And when they died, I changed in relationships. So all my relationships changed. And I developed all these new beliefs around friendships after the fifth grade. And so from healing this one relationship that I this friend breakup, I went so deep. And I saw that I never needed that person to tell me why they stopped talking to me because I didn't talk about voice messages. At the beginning. I was like maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should loud voice messages. Did I say it mainly, but it doesn't matter. That's what I learned. It doesn't matter. This was an incredibly healing experience for me, because I learned one, that the relationship wasn't that strong. If I tried to voice something that mattered to me, and we never spoke again. That is a truth. I've had to accept that anytime I set a boundary and relationship and it ends the relationship that shows how fragile the relationship is, that doesn't show that I'm a bad person. It's mine to do the work and to see why it may trigger me and to see why the relationship maybe was as fragile as it was. It's not my job to go back on my boundaries. And so I mentioned this because with this phone breakup I had where we never spoke again. I had to do the whole healing myself, I had to do this internal closure. And I found that closure by as I said, looking at my friendships from my youth. And seeing that really the root of this friend breakup was that I had a friend who broke up with me in the sixth grade. It was like the first heartbreak I ever experienced. I was in a really low point in my life because I had just gone through big trauma. Somebody close in my life had died. And this person abandoned me. They didn't want to be my friend anymore. They're really blunt about it. That girl became popular and I wasn't popular. And she was really mean to me. And she wasn't apologetic. She made me feel crazy. And she made me feel like I was making it all up when we went from being best friends to no longer friends. And I learned from that to not be myself because I was so myself or at least I felt like I was in that relationship that after that relationship I began changing myself I would be anybody you wanted me to be in a relationship in order to have friends because I was so terrified of friends leaving me because experiencing a death losing somebody and then losing this friend just whacked me double whacked me that people were going to leave my life. I had never had anybody leave my life before. So having these two big incidents so close to each other, it changed me. I was so terrified to show up in relationships as Amanda that I changed myself. And here I was at 31 more authentic than I had ever been in relationships but still changing myself to fit what this person wanted from me. And though it was incredibly painful for me to look at incredibly humbling For me to look at, it was incredibly liberating as well, because now I see why I was playing out those patterns. Now I see why I was so insecure. Now I see why I had such a low self worth. Becoming aware of my low self worth, was a pretty humbling experience, because I've been on my healing journey for so long, but I still had this low self worth. And it was because of all the trauma of experience, which I've talked about on the podcast, we don't have to dive into that here. But also, because of all these failed friendships, and all the blame I put on myself, but time and time again, I come back to the fact that relationships take to people and relationships are our greatest teachers. And they're opportunities for us to heal. And we can either heal together, or we're going to be triggered, and we're going to end the relationship, and then we're going to heal. And there's nothing wrong with either path. There's nothing wrong with healing in relationship or healing outside of relationship. But when we experience heartbreak, it is always a time to heal, it is always a chance to heal, it is always a chance to transform ourselves and to liberate ourselves. Because so many of these patterns we're playing out, are from this wounded part of ourselves that often originated in our youth, we created these new beliefs, or these new ways of being in the world, in order to feel safe in order to feel loved in order to feel seen in order to be accepted. Being accepted by others is a human need. So when we're young, and if we're not accepted for who we are, we change, we change who we are. And there's nothing wrong with that. But as we grow up, we can grow out of those patterns. But what it takes oftentimes is a relationship or a situation, triggering us to mirror back to us that it is time to change and heal. So I hope that made sense, I hope something in that was helpful. I know that you said you feel stuck in heartbreak. And I think that by beginning to dive into your triggers, and where they really originated from, is going to be extremely helpful for you in getting unstuck. I think we feel stuck when we're missing the root, or we're missing the real cause of why we may be experiencing what we're experiencing. And I also just want to emphasize that I know how hard it is. But you may have to find your own closure, and you may not be able to get closure from this person. And I invite you to disengage from this person, I don't know if you still follow them on social media, I don't know if you're still trying to reach out, but this person hasn't treated you well. If somebody can have sex with you, and then just not talk to you. That's not kind that's not loving. That's not how we show up in healthy relationships. And I am so sorry, that happened because of course, that's heartbreaking. And of course you deserve better, you are worthy of somebody who does not go smooth, you are worthy of somebody who communicates with you, you are worthy of somebody who loves you, you are worthy of somebody who is kind to you, and you are worthy of somebody who thinks of you because somebody who can have sex with you, and then just never talk to you, again, is only thinking of themselves. And this person may have showed you a kind side of themselves. But to me, that's a sign that this person is still very insensitive, still very selfish and immature. And this person needs to go on their own healing journey. And I don't mean that Judge mentally I mean that in the most loving way I can, because I think it's okay, that some people need to heal. I think it's okay that everybody's where they're at. I trust God and God's process for everybody. But I do think that you deserve better. You've experienced a situation I think, hopefully so you can see what you are worthy of, and you are worthy of a loving relationship. You are worthy of a guy who shows up, loves you adores you, and communicates with you his feelings, learns to communicate healthily with you communicates their triggers. And you deserve somebody who reminds you daily that you are loved. And yes, relationships aren't always simple. I'm in a 12 year relationship. And my partner and I definitely don't always adore each other, but we definitely show up every day. And we communicate on those hard days. And we communicate when we're having a bad day. And we apologize to one another and we take responsibility on those days where we don't show up as the best partner because it happens because we're human, and you deserve somebody who's willing to go on that journey with you. Because that's what relationships are. That's what romantic partnerships are. They are a journey. They are a journey we go on together through life. And as you know, as everybody here knows, life isn't easy. Life is filled with ups and downs. So so our relationships, so So our romantic partnerships, they're just another mirror of the journey of life, and you deserve somebody who wants to go on this journey with you, not somebody who's going to just stop talking to you when they get uncomfortable. So I think you want to take responsibility for your wounds and any triggers you have here. And I also invite you to see this relationship clearly that this person is likely not ready to be in a relationship If they're going to act like that, and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that not everybody's ready to be in a relationship, you may find that you want to take some time to be single. You know, I don't think there's anything wrong with being single. I think that it's a beautiful journey to learn to get to know yourself. So the next time you're in a relationship, you know what you need, you know that you are worthy. Because as I mentioned earlier, in this episode, you can only accept as much love in as much as you love yourself. Or another way to put that is that you can only love others as much as you love yourself. So the more you love yourself, the more you will attract a really loving partner, which is why that inner work and that internal exploration is important. So I hope something in this answer was helpful. Thank you so much for this question. I am sending you so much love.
Amanda Durocher [outro] 41:10
Thank you again for joining me for another episode of New View Advice. As always, I'm so grateful to be here with you and to have these conversations with you. And to dive deep into our healing journeys together. I am healing right alongside you and it is an honor to be here with you. If you haven't already, I invite you to check out my website newviewadvice.com. As I mentioned at the beginning of the episode, I will put resources in the show notes, a newviewadvice.com/62. But if you want to check out my website, I also have a lot of resources on there. I have free journal prompts. I have meditations I have blog posts. I recently did a blog post entitled 50 affirmations for the healing journey. So if you want to check that out, I have a lot of resources to assist you on the healing journey. And if there's anything you'd like to see on my website, please let me know. You can send me an email at NewViewAdvice@gmail.com Thank you again for joining me for another episode of New View Advice. I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through sending you all my love. See you next time.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai