71: Religious/Spiritual Trauma and Catholic Guilt: How to Heal Past Experiences, Find Your Truth, and Empower Yourself
When it comes to religious and spiritual trauma, religious instituitions, spiritual leaders, and family dynamics can lead to hurtful or abusive experiences that can leave lasting impacts. In this episode, we are going to discuss how to start healing from religious/spiritual trauma and empower yourself to develop your own relationship with a higher power (if you choose to do so). I will also talk about my own experience with religion and my path to reconciling my own core truth vs. my family’s. I also answer a listener question about someone who cheated on their partner and is experiencing “catholic guilt.”
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Recommended Episode 🎙️
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Book Recommendation 📚
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Learn More About Religious & Spiritual Trauma 🔗
Timestamps ⏱️
Introduction 0:00
Teaching 5:44
Amanda’s Experience 7:54
Listener Question 34:38
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you from living life to the fullest. Let's get started.
Hey, beautiful souls. Welcome to New View Advice. A safe space for you to ask your most vulnerable questions about the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers you seek. I believe you have all the you just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you so much for joining me for today's episode. Today, we are discussing religious and spiritual trauma, including what it is, how to heal from hurtful past experiences and how to dissect your own core beliefs on religion or god. First, what your family or religious institution believes. I'll also be answering a listener question from someone who cheated on their partner and feels as though they are experiencing what they call Catholic guilt. Religion has been and always will be a hotly debated topic, not that it's good or bad, but many people are separating from religion or from god. I have had so many conversations with friends, acquaintances, people in the movie advice community who grew up religious in some sense and no longer identify with that religious organization and are having trouble deciding what their own relationship with is. And a reason for this is because of painful past experiences they've experienced through their religious organization or through a spiritual group. And so today, we're going to learn about religious and spiritual trauma, and I'll be discussing my own journey with religion and refining spirituality. and my own journey to healing because I did have to heal from some experiences. I experienced personally with the Catholic church. and we'll talk more about that. But I grew up Catholic. I do not identify as being Catholic anymore. And this isn't an anti religious podcast. This is a podcast episode where we really wanna talk about how important it is to heal from experiences some of us have had at religious organizations or within spiritual groups because As we'll talk throughout the episode, these organizations are run by humans, and humans are flawed. Humans are imperfect. And that's great, and that's important to know for the healing journey, but it can also create painful experiences within an organization such as religion that is supposed to be connected to god, and it can just cause such confusion for our human awareness, and it's important to heal. My intention for this episode is to provide you with the awareness and tools for you to start feeling empowered with your own relationship with religion or God, and maybe you wanna develop your own unique relationship with a higher power, or maybe you just wanna heal from a painful experience and you're not really interested in having a relationship with a higher power. Either way, I want to help you to move forward and to heal. I do personally think that for many people, developing a relationship with a higher power is very helpful for the healing journey. Many of us have survived very painful experiences that can be very hard to heal from, out seeing a bigger perspective without connecting with a higher power, but this isn't an episode telling you what to believe this is an episode about healing. So to assist you with your healing journey, I've created a meditation to help you connect to your own heart and the supportive presence of love. And if you're interested in checking that out after this episode, you can find it on my website at new viewadvice.com/71, or you can find it on my YouTube channel at new viewadvice. But with that, let's jump into talking about spiritual and religious trauma. So today, we're going to be talking about the impact that religion and spirituality can have on ourselves, our families, and our communities. And we're not gonna spend time talking about the benefits of religion or the negatives of religion. It's really about focusing on how some of us have experienced trauma within these religious organizations,
Amanda Durocher [00:03:58]:
and where do we go from here? So I just wanna clarify a few things up front to define the scope of this episode. So We're not gonna be discussing anybody else's relationship with God, and we're not gonna be debating whether God is real or not. Upfront, I do believe in God. I have a relationship with God. I believe that your own relationship with god is very personal. I used the word god. I did not always use the word god for a long time. I used the word the universe because through my upbringing, the word god was not comfortable for me. Now I'm comfortable with really any word. I'm always speaking of, to me, a loving and supportive presence, but it's taking me a while to develop this relationship with god. And I mentioned that because I believe that Our relationship with god is, like, any other relationship, and it has to be developed over time and through trust. And it's not something that can just be handed to you. if you grew up in a household that spoke about God and you feel like you have a really great relationship with God from childhood, that's amazing. But I think a lot of people grew up and felt like religion spirituality and god was forced upon them, and that is a reason why I think there's a big disconnect today with religion, spirituality, and God. So I just wanted to say that upfront. And I may refer to god or a higher power throughout this episode. Those are probably the words I'll use, and I'll probably use the universe. But you don't have to identify with these specific words or terms because the goal is for you to find your own truth, and all names of god are welcome here. So please understand when I discuss God, you can use universe, source, pure love, higher power, Allah, whatever works for you. Maybe there's an entirely different word you use. Amazing. It's not about using the words I use. It's not about believing what I believe. Today's episode is really about healing. So what is religious and spiritual trauma?
Amanda Durocher [00:05:44]:
Religious and spiritual trauma refers to the psychological and emotional distress that can arise from experiences within a religious or faith based context. It typically occurs when an individual has experienced or witnessed harmful, abusive, or oppressive behaviors within their religious or spiritual community or as a result of their religious or spiritual beliefs. What we are discussing today is really what can happen when humans dictate the word of god. when humans use spirituality and religion as an excuse for bad behavior. And when humans harm other humans in the name of spirituality and how harmful that can really be. So religious trauma manifests in many different ways. One way it manifests is within family structures. So having family such as parents or siblings, treat you poorly based off of religion. So maybe they shame you or they blame you, but they use these religious ideals to discount reality or to shame you for things that have happened. For example, I have heard experiences from survivors of sexual assault who say that they were sexually assaulted, they were shamed within their own household because it went against their religious beliefs. And that has caused them much inner turmoil. So that can be really traumatic. Another example of spiritual trauma would be if you have been blamed or punished for bad things going on in your life, such as you're sick or you're getting a divorce or you're having hard feelings. And somebody tells you it's because you have a lack of faith or because you're being punished by god. Another example would be if you are with somebody of another religious faith or you have friends of another religious faith and people judge you or they judge that person of their faith, but being judged for your faith can be traumatic. I know, for me, I grew up flick, and my partner is Jewish. And we've had people make comments to us about how we're of different faiths, and that's been difficult to deal with. and confusing for us, and we've had to figure out our own truth along the way. I think that the belief in Catholic guilt, the feeling of Catholic guilt, and the spheres of Catholic, guilt can also be traumatic as well, and we'll be talking about that in the first listener question.
Amanda Durocher Amanda’s Experience [00:07:54]
So I wanted to talk a bit about my own experience with religion and spirituality. I am a very spiritual person. I am not religious, but I am spiritual. but I was not always this way. So I grew up Catholic and of the Catholic faith, and me and Catholicism didn't exactly jive. And the truth is I don't know if it's mean Catholicism didn't jive or me and the people within the Catholic church I went to didn't jive. But a very important understanding of spiritual and religious trauma is that there are very human people who run these organizations and these groups So everybody's experience is going to be different. So my experience in the churches I went to growing up are gonna be different than the experiences you had in the churches you went to or whatever religious organizations or spiritual organizations you were a part of. So it's important to understand this is an anti Catholic, as I told my story. It's really that I had a bad experience with the church I went to growing up. And so that caused a disconnect for me, religion, spirituality, and So I'll just tell my story. Again, this is hopefully helpful for somebody. It's not supposed to be judging you in yours. This is my experience. So when I was younger, I'd say that I did not believe in God. I grew up and felt like the church was this place where some guy who I didn't know and he didn't know me would preach about forgiveness. And I was like, what is forgiveness?
And nobody would answer that question for me. I felt shamed within my church And I felt like I was always doing something wrong, and I was always getting yelled at. And after everything I survived, including rape and actual assault. I didn't feel really connected to anything, and I didn't understand why bad things happened to me. And I felt like the church was somehow telling me that these bad things were happening. to me because of me. Like, I felt like I was being scolded every time I stepped into the church. And then this is part of my experience when the Catholic church was in the news for priests sexually assaulting children, my parents took me out of the Catholic church. So this was very confusing for me. I don't agree with sexually assaulting children, but as a kid, this was very confusing me because nobody else left the Catholic church because of this. And as a child, they didn't understand fully why we were leaving the Catholic church. But all of a sudden, they went from being Catholic to being an entirely new religion. We were some version of Christian, I think. I can't even tell you what religion I was supposed to believe in. But that was so confusing for me how I could go from being part of a church to all of a sudden, and you're part of this church now because we don't agree with that thing they said. And that didn't feel like that jibed with what the Catholic church believed it felt like I had been being preached to my whole life that these are the rules of life. And then all of a sudden, I was switching to a new religion. It was so confusing for my awareness, so I really disconnected from all forms of faith. At that point, I was just kind of out. During this time, my mother also was developing her own relationship with spirituality outside of the church. And so she would come home from these meetings. She would meet with people who were a part of a spiritual group she was in, and she come home and tell me that I was responsible for my life and that everything that was happening to me was my own creation and things like that, which is ironic because I do talk about that sometimes on this podcast. But as a child, I was super confused. And I felt like once again, I was being blamed and shamed. And I felt like, okay. I've been raped. I've been sexually assaulted. I've been bullied. I've lost all my friends, and you're telling me this is my fault. That didn't make me wanna connect with a higher power. That made me wanna run and hide and cry. So I continued to disconnect from the religion. It wasn't until one of my lowest moments in my life when I was living in Los Angeles. Los Angeles is when I started to of my relationship with a higher power. And I began to develop a relationship with the universe. So I used to not be able to say the word God because god felt like a man judging me. But the universe felt loving. The universe felt friendly. The universe felt supportive. So I started to embrace having relationship with the universe. I started to meditate and visualize what it was like to be held by the universe, this bigger higher power. And I started to develop this relationship. Like I said at the beginning of the episode, when we're developing our relationship, with god's spirituality and religion. It's a relationship. It's built. It takes effort. It takes give and take. And it takes you showing up to it as well. Right? And I just started to develop this relationship with the universe. And then at one of my lowest moments, I began to pray because I felt like I had nothing else, and there was something I was searching for. bigger than myself. I knew that I needed to bring a new perspective to my life rather than being a victim. I didn't wanna feel like a victim anymore, but I didn't under stand why I was in so much pain. And so I began to pray,
And I began to see that there really was an unconditional love and compassion surrounding me. I don't usually talk about this, so it's a bit vulnerable. But I began to develop this relationship, and I began to see the signs, and I began to have really vivid dreams. And I began to feel this presence within meditation, within my daily life, And I began to develop a relationship. I began to be able to see things in a new way and understand a bigger picture for my own life. And even while I was going through this, I remember talking about it in therapy and being like, am I crazy? Is God real? Am I making this up? And my therapist said to me, it's all about what you believe. Does this help you? Then lean into it. And that was the moment I was like, oh my gosh. This can be whatever I want it to be. If it's helping my life and it's making me feel better, Why wouldn't I believe this? What makes this more false than a belief of self hatred than the belief that I'm a victim or the belief I'm not enough. Why can't I believe in an all loving presence that loves me and supports me? That's a choice. My beliefs are a choice If I'm gonna choose the negative ones, why don't I choose the positive ones? And so through that, I began to develop a relationship with god. And it was through another spiritual group I joined that I became more comfortable with the word God. And, actually, through that new spiritual group I joined, it wasn't a religious group. It was spiritual group. I ended up having a very harmful experience where the leader of that group, for lack of a better word, abused me emotionally and criticized and humiliated me, and that was a really hard moment for me. It actually took me a couple years to come to terms with that. and to understand that what I had experienced was not my fault, that it was emotional abuse, and that the person leading that spiritual group didn't know me better than I knew myself and that their words were human words. Their words were not the words of god. but that was a really painful experience to heal from as well because I found myself for a second time being hurt by people within a spiritual organization, and I found myself questioning my own faith. And, again, I returned to, well, what do I believe in? What do I feel is true for me. What do I believe in my heart?
And from there, I have developed my own personal relationship with a higher power. don't identify with any spiritual groups. I, at this point, don't really read spiritual texts. I think that'll change over time, but I've spent the past year just diving into my relationship. with god. What feels good to me, and my relationship with god has helped to heal me from immense, immense things I have survived. And so that's why I think this episode is important because I know the healing power of trusting in something greater than ourselves and having faith and trust in life. and I also know the harm that can be caused through religious and spiritual organizations. So how did I develop this unique relationship with a higher power? As I mentioned, I built it one step at a time. I realize now that building my relationship with a higher power is, as I've said multiple times already, it's like building relationship with person, and we develop trust over time. We develop faith over time. We develop that love and that support over time. There's no need to rush whatever your process is. And, again, you may not even wanna develop a relationship with a higher power, and that's fine. but I found that to be really healing for me as I healed from these religious and spiritual traumatic experiences.
As I healed my relationship religion and spirituality. I also looked at what I thought my relationship with God was supposed to be or my relationship with source -- verse what it actually was and verse what I wanted it to be. I had to spend time sitting with hard feelings and how so much of my spirituality had been tainted by my upbringing in the humans who harmed me throughout my spiritual journey. I truly never experienced a compassionate person within
religion growing up. And when I joined this spiritual group, I also didn't experience compassion. It took me a long time to understand that compassion was being preached to me. but it was not being given to me. It was not being demonstrated to me. And I find that that's true with so much of life. Where is the compassion? I'm hearing the lyrics to where is the love by the black eyed peas in my head. But it's really something I think a lot about is how compassion is missing from so much of the world we live in. And compassion is such a deep part of my spiritual practice, and I think it's something missing from a lot of religious and spiritual organizations. Also, as I mentioned, as I was healing, it was important -- for me to use the words that worked best for me. So at first, when I was healing from religion and spirituality, the word God didn't feel good to me for a really long time. I used the word universe for a very long time, and then I slowly just started to use God. I don't even know when it happened. It wasn't really a conscious choice, but I just slowly change the word I used, I think, because it just felt more all encompassing. But I still sometimes call it the universe. I still call it source consciousness. It's not really the word that matters to me. It's the feeling I have when I commune with something greater than myself. that I try to focus on and has been important for me in healing from religious and spiritual trauma. I think for me, meditation was also really important in my healing journey. And when I began to meditate, it's just when I began to see that there was more than the pain within my body. I was able to see a larger perspective. I was able to begin witnessing my life rather than reacting to it. I was able to begin healing and I was beginning to see the mysteries of life, and that so much of life is unexplainable. And that so much of life is bigger than we realized. And the feelings I would receive in some meditations, not all, of love and support, really confirmed for me that For me and my life, there is something greater than me, and that's what I choose to believe because it has been really helpful for my healing journey to understand there's a greater picture, and there's a greater perspective at play here and that the pain I experienced wasn't for no reason. Right? I've chosen to believe that I'm a soul having a human experience,
Amanda Durocher [00:19:25]:
and that I chose a lot of the hard experiences I have had. And that doesn't have to be true for you. That's true for me because it has helped me to heal. To feel as though I chose to come here, and I chose to embark on this human journey because I understood my human journey was just a small moment in time for my soul, which is all expansive. and limitless. And so part of my healing from spiritual and religious trauma was understanding that my perspective can be my perspective. It doesn't have to be anybody else's perspective on religion and spirituality. My relationship with God is personal. My beliefs about my life, my soul and why I came here are personal. They don't have to be the same beliefs as anybody else. It doesn't make it any less true for me, and that's okay. So through all these steps, I began to heal the part of me that was shamed, yelled at, treated poorly by religious and spiritual groups and leaders. And I began to feel connected to something greater than myself. And even if most days, that's just being more connected with myself. being with myself, truly sitting with myself, feels like a spiritual experience to me. Another thing that I think is really important when healing from religious and spiritual trauma is self awareness and to begin to identify your truth. So I just spent a long time talking about my truth. But I think in order to heal, it's important for you to understand the root causes of your feelings and to begin to understand what you believe about God. What is your relationship with God? Who is God to you? or whatever word feels good to you. Does the word god not feel good to you and why? It's important for you to begin thinking about this. What is the meaning of life to you? What is the journey of your soul? What is your relationship with your soul? These are all questions you can begin to ask yourself in order to figure out what you believe in, what feels good to you. And I just think it's important for you to figure out what feels good to you rather than creating more beliefs that may be harming you. I think that we live in a world where so many of us have so many beliefs that already harm us. We don't need to tack it on with the things that other people believe or that our families believe. It's important for us to peel back the layers of our life to get to the core of who we are and to figure out if those layers are our beliefs or other people's beliefs. And I think when it comes to religious and spiritual trauma so many times, We're holding on to beliefs that aren't even ours and don't even feel good to us.
I think that as you bring self awareness, it's also important for you to begin to sit with the experiences you have had within religious and spiritual groups? Have you been harmed by the real humans who run these organizations? I have an example that's coming to mind for me when I was in CCD as a child, so that's the kid version of going to a Catholic group. And I had this class. It was CCD class. And the teacher asked us if we had any questions. And I said, yes. I have a question. Why does god need to forgive us for our sins? And I was really curious because forgiveness is something I've always been curious about, which is interesting because I teach about forgiveness. So There was a part of me always curious about forgiveness, always wanting to understand it. Right? That was my soul speaking. But in that moment, I started getting screamed at by the teacher. How dare I ask that question? How dare I not understand?
God forgives us, and that's it. The fact that I just asked a question that I was actually very curious about and I got yelled at was so traumatic for me. I was taught in that moment I wasn't allowed to question. I wasn't allowed to ask questions. I think we should always question. I don't think we should blindly believe anything.
That's not helpful. That hasn't been helpful. For me, I have blindly believed things. I have blindly followed and so many times I've ended up in pain because of it. And I also think it's important for our human mind to understand why we do the things we do. So I asked about forgiveness, and I got whacked is how it felt. I got screamed at. And it was humiliating. I was in front of all my peers. And I got yelled at for just asking a question. I had multiple experiences like this in CCD, And in the other religious groups, I was a part of as a child, and it did not help me become closer with God. It took me out of the Church. It made me not want to be a part of anything like that because I didn't need more criticism. I didn't need more shame. I didn't need more blame. I was living with a lot of my own inner demons at the time, and I didn't need to be a part of a group that was gonna make me feel bad about myself. I already that enough. And so when you're healing from religious and spiritual trauma, I think it's important for you to identify your own truth. So beginning to unravel what your core belief are about religion and god and separating them from what maybe your family believes or what you've been told and really identifying what your truth is. You know, questions you can ask yourself are, were there any messages about religion or god that were told to by your family that created fear, shame, or discomfort?
Did you believe this as a child? Do you continue to believe it now? Does your family have a sense of moral authority? Do you agree with it? If not, what is holding you back from practicing your own truth? Are you practicing your own truth? How did your family and community impact your relationship with God? If you were able to heal the external impacts of religion from your past, would you want a relationship with God now? I find that this healing can be especially hard if your community or family was rigid with religious beliefs and create an environment that restricted questions, critical thinking, and personal autonomy.
As I mentioned, it was really hard for me when I tried to ask a question and I was yelled at. I was taught that it was safe to ask questions. And that kept me from questioning spirituality and religion for a long time. I think you can also begin to add yourself if you are part of a religious organization, what does it mean to you to be a Christian? What does it mean to be Jewish? What does it mean to be a Muslim? What does it mean to be a part of this spiritual group you're a part of? What does it mean to you? And why are you a part of it? Right? I think if you're a part of a spiritual group, it's important. to focus on how it may make you feel good. Right? It's not about completely leaving all religion, but Maybe there's things you need to heal, and maybe there's amazing benefits you're getting from it. It's about creating your own relationship with religion, spirituality, and God. I think for a lot of us, as we heal from religious and spiritual trauma, it's gonna be important to work on inner child healing because I think a lot of us experience these traumatic instances in childhood. So beginning to connect back with that child self and how they felt and perceived the concept of religion. So did your family or religious institution push feelings of guilt, shame, or fear on you? Did they try to control your behavior? Did they make you feel unsafe, insecure, or vulnerable? or did you feel safe at church? Was Church actually a safe place for you? That's great to explore as well. Did Temple feel like a second home to you? You know? Maybe it felt like a second home, but there was one person who didn't feel good there. It's important to start deciphering What about these religious and spiritual organizations do and don't feel good for you?
I'm also remembering another story I have that was traumatic for me. When I left the Catholic church and I joined this new church, again, I don't remember what the actual religion was. I apologize. But we had to take a test to become proper members of the church. So it was a test before our communion, which would make us I guess, adult members of the church. I apologize for anybody who's laughing at me because I don't quite know the right words for this. but we had to take a test.
And I failed the test as well as other people. We were supposed to study for the test. I didn't study. I had school at the time. And, really, I felt like religion was being forced upon me. And we had to sit and be scolded for an hour, everyone who failed the test. We were told we were bad people. We were bad church members. We were told we shouldn't join the church. We were told it's our own personal choice, but Since we failed the test, we obviously don't take this seriously, and we shouldn't join the church because god wouldn't like that. And it felt awful to be scolded for an hour. I believe religion and spirituality have a beautiful purpose. and I believe the purpose is connection with god and connection with community. And I think so many of these organizations have gotten so far away from that. And I think that's because of the humans who run them, not because of god, not because of the religion itself, because of the humans. and their own wounds. And how sometimes when people are placed in power, they take advantage of that. And I found being scolded because I didn't know certain answers to a bible test and being told that god wouldn't want me to join the church because I didn't read the bible thoroughly enough, insulting, harmful, painful, and traumatic. It caused me not to return to the church.
I wasn't shown a loving setting. I was shown a setting that was really harmful and painful. And, again, like I said, I had a lot of my own inner demons in my teen years. I did not need another group of people telling me how horrible I was. And that's what it felt like to me being scolded like that. So instead of creating community, it created division within me. I think another trauma that can be experienced within religion does with sex. And as I mentioned, I've spoken with people who have been shamed for being sexually assaulted. I've spoken with people who have been shamed for their sexuality, for their sexual preferences, and that can be really traumatic as well. And so I invite you to connect with that inner child because Oftentimes, those moments of being scolded were when we were young and we were impressionable and when we were developing our relationship with sexuality ourselves. and learning that sexuality is inherently bad or is harmful or is against god's wishes, can be really damaging for the psyche. And none of that is true. Sex is a beautiful gift we have been given in the human body. Sex is important for the human experience. It's a biological need, and it is our god given right in my belief to have sex in our bodies and to have safe and healthy sex. And to develop our relationships with sex, it requires for us to dive deep to see if religions or spirituality has affected our relationship with sex. For me, I've always had a very complicated relationship sex, and part of that's because I've been sexually assaulted and raped throughout my life. But another reason for that was the beliefs of the church. when I was growing up, and that really confused me about sex. And some of those beliefs got ingrained in me. And as I've been healing, I've had to look at those are true for me, and I've happened to heal, and I've had to grieve what it was like to grow up and think that my body was a shameful thing to have been taught that my body was lying to me, right, that my sexual urges weren't natural, those are natural. It's not something to punish. It's something to explore. and to develop your own relationship with sex. It requires you being in the body. And I found that through my experience with religion, I felt like my body was being shamed. and that was really hard for me to come to terms with. I think as your inner child heals, it will help you to start forming your own relationship with God or not, but it will be your choice. And your inner child will help you to figure out what works best for you. And I think that it will help you to heal and move forward. as the more present version of yourself. So before I jump into a listener question, I wanted to stress that I want you to feel empowered with your relationship with God, with religion, and with spirituality
and what feels right and comfortable to you. Many people today have separated from religion, but for some people, they've found equality. And for some people, they've separated from God altogether. And I think that your relationship with God is personal, and I think that it's important for you to side what works best for you and not based on your fears, but based on what feels good in your heart. And as I mentioned, think that having a relationship with a higher power can be really helpful on the healing journey, so I think it's important to explore it. It may not feel helpful for you. but I found it to be really helpful for mine. And speaking with many people and reading a lot of self help books, a lot of them, the last chapter is about faith. Faith and trust. in a divine power and something larger than ourselves in a bigger plan for our lives, and that we're always being guided and that the signs and the nudges and the whispers we hear are our soul. So I just think it can be really healing to create that relationship with yourself. But this episode is really about you empowering you and healing from the pain that religion may have caused you and you understanding that it was never you. It was never your fault. there were humans in these organizations or in your family structure that said things to you or taught you beliefs or preached things to you that were not about you. If it doesn't feel good to you, throw it out. I give you permission. Throw it out if it doesn't feel good to you. And maybe this whole episode doesn't feel good to you. Throw it out. This is about you figuring out what feels good to you. This is about you creating the life that you're meant to live about you creating the life of your dreams and you creating the life that brings you joy and happiness and healing to your heart. But I do believe that for many of us, it will come back to creating that relationship with a higher power because that higher power To me, reminds us that we are enough. Reminds us that we're worthy. Reminds us that we're always loved. Other humans won't always do that for us. So developing a relationship with an all loving presence can be really helpful for the healing journey. One more thing I wanna mention is that I think when we're healing, it's important to create boundaries sometimes. And for you, if you're somebody who has a family or a community or someone in your life, who is preaching something that doesn't feel good for you, it's going to be important to set boundaries and to create this space for your healing and to seek help, if necessary. Maybe you need to seek help with a therapist or a coach. I offer one on one sessions, but it's about creating the spaces to help you heal, and that might not be with the people who are in your life right now, and that's okay. It's about creating the boundaries for yourself to help you to heal. So I hope something in this was helpful. This wasn't the easiest topic to describe without talking about my own experience with spirituality. So I hope that was helpful. Again, this isn't about taking on my beliefs. It's about you creating your own relationship with religion, spirituality, and a higher power. And, again, that could be not having a relationship at all. It's always a personal choice, but that's what we wanna come back to. That life is a choice, that the decisions we make are our choices, and in order to do that and to empower ourselves, We have to heal the things that have hurt us and have caused us harm and that have left imprints on our hearts. So I hope that was helpful. Let's jump into question 1.
Amanda Durocher Listener Question [00:34:38]:
I cheated on my husband, and I feel so bad about I know I shouldn't have done it, but I was drunk and my husband and I were having problems. I feel so bad about it, and it feels as if god is punishing me. I'm a Catholic, and I feel as though I have Catholic guilt. I confessed to my priest, but still feel like such a bad person. Any advice on what to do? Thank you so much for this question. I'm so sorry to hear that you feel as though God is punishing you. I wanna start by saying, I don't think God is punishing you, and I think you should offer self compassion as you move forward. I think people who suffer from Catholic guilt are suffering from a fear that they are inherently bad. You even mentioned feeling like a bad person multiple times throughout your question, and you're not a bad person. You made a mistake. You did something you regret, but you are not a bad person. No human is inherently bad. If religion taught you that, then I am sorry because you are a human. And as a human, you are loved and always enough and worthy. I believe it's the human who forgets that. It's not god who forgets that. God always knows that you are enough and you are worthy. So my first piece of advice is to start becoming aware of your internal beliefs versus your external beliefs, so the beliefs that maybe people are saying around you and maybe are not even your own beliefs. Because in your question, you said it feels like God is punishing you and that you feel like a bad person. And I believe that as we heal from a religious trauma, and spiritual trauma, we need to become aware of where many of these beliefs began. So my first step for you is to start becoming aware of what your belief is about God. what your belief is about being Catholic, and what your belief is about spirituality. For you, it sounds like you grew up Catholic and you identify with many of the beliefs of the Catholic church. I invite you to begin asking yourself the following questions and really focus on answering these based on your beliefs, not those of your family, or what you were taught by the church. So I think that for you, it'll be helpful to dive into who is god. What is god? What is your relationship with God? Why do you believe God is punishing you? Does that feel good to you? Do you have a connection with God? Does your connection with God need to look the same as everyone else's connection?
I've talked to people, and I find it interesting that some people believe God is all loving, but also punished --ishing them. And as we've discussed it and started to pull the strings, they realized that those are contradictory beliefs. that god loves them, but that god is punishing them. And they've had to start to suss out what feels good to them, and a lot of people through prayer and through meditation or through journaling begin to create their own relationship with God. And I think that just beginning to ask yourself these questions, you may begin to see that you have your own contra addicting beliefs and that it's important for you to begin diving deeper and seeing where these beliefs began and if they're still serving you. And for you, you mentioned feeling like god is punishing you. And I really think self awareness will really help you because
As I talk about on so many episodes of this podcast, there are reasons for why we do what we do. There are inner child wounds. There are present day wounds. There are core beliefs. There are really hard feelings that we're avoiding. And there's not an outside power punishing us. Oftentimes, our beliefs or these past experiences are playing out in the present day. And, yes, There are tragedies that are unexplainable, but I still don't feel like a outside power is punishing us. I think tragedies are a part of life. And we don't live in a world where every day is sunshine rainbows. That things happen. And those are those growth opportunities where we get to learn, and we get to see the good in life as well. Right? It would be so hard to see how good life can be if we never experience bad moments. So I think it's about beginning to reframe your mindset around a lot of this, and I think that bringing awareness to why you do the things you do, for example, why you cheated on your partner, you mentioned having problems in your relationship. So another place I would bring awareness is diving into those problems you've been having in your relationship and how that may have led to your infidelity and how maybe right now, you feel a lot of shame and guilt, and that's why you feel like a bad person, not because you are inherently bad. but because you made a mistake, because you did something you regret. And it's natural for guilt to arise. I talk about this on the cheaters' regret episode. that I recently did. I think episode number 69. And in this episode, I talk about Chambers guilt. So that may be helpful for you when you're bringing awareness to this situation and bring awareness to why you cheated, why you feel like a bad person, and why you feel like you're being punished by god. I think another place to bring awareness would be to reflect on how god, religion, and spirituality were discussed at home when you were a child. I think many of us pick up the beliefs of our parents and of our families. And when it comes to religion and spirituality many times, these are human beliefs. that we pick up not universal truths. It's important to create your own relationship with religion and spirituality, and your relationship with God is personal. And as I've said over and over again, it's like any other relationship. You want to develop it over time. You wanna develop that trust. You don't want to blindly believe in something you want to create your own relationship. And so you may find as you're bringing awareness to this wound that your mom or your dad's relationship god may be entirely different than yours, and that's fine. I think many people aren't exactly intentional with developing their own beliefs and often believe the same thing as their family. because we're born into these family structures, and religion is often a part of the family and the community identity. For example, I'm Catholic. I'm Jewish. I'm Muslim. Okay. Great. Why? Why are you these things? What is it about this religion that assists you with your life? What is it about the group that creates happiness joy and connection for you? I'm not questioning your choice. I'm just asking you to be intentional with it. Do I know everything about god? No. Of course not. don't think that's possible, but what I do know is that the more I connect back to my heart and the more I open up a dialogue with the universe, the more it responds in unexpected ways. And I also know that the more I brought awareness to why I believed the things I did, the more I realized many of the beliefs I had were not mine and did serve me, so I was able to let them go. My final note for this step of becoming aware of your own unique feelings about God and religion is that this should be empowering for you. This should be where you empower yourself and where you create your own relationship with a higher power or choose not to. but whatever is the choice that feels empowering to you. My next piece of advice for you would be to start a meditation practice or to begin journaling. to connect with your own heart or a higher power. You may choose to use this meditation or journaling practice to connect with that higher power and maybe you journal to god, maybe you journal to the universe, or maybe you meditate and sit with god. Maybe you invite god to come sit with you. But it's about developing a practice. But maybe for you, it's really just beginning to develop a practice with your own heart. too. I really think that for many of us, we'll start with our own hearts on this journey. I know for me, when I began -- I didn't meditate with god. I meditated with my own heart, or I meditated with the universe. But the word god still didn't feel good to me. And as I developed my meditation practice, I connected with angels or ascended masters, such as Mother Mary. Mother Mary has been such a loving presence in my life. Oftentimes, I call on mother Mary when I'm having a hard day. That's true for me. That doesn't have to be true for you. But sometimes, sitting with an angel or an ascended master or an ancestor
Amanda Durocher [00:42:33]:
or a spirit guide can be a helpful, middle step. before sitting with God. Sitting with god can feel so intimidating or sitting with a higher power can feel intimidating, so I invite you to through meditation or journaling, begin to connect with something that may feel bigger than you, that may feel a loving, but finding a way to create a meditation or journaling practice, that feels empowering for you will be really helpful in helping you to heal religion and spiritual trauma. Because I think if you begin to connect with an all loving presence? Or you begin to connect with your own heart? Or you begin to connect with an angel or an ancestor? It just begins to open your perspective, and you begin to see that maybe the view you have of life is smaller than what life actually has to offer.
I believe that when we ask for help, we receive help. So I invite you to begin this meditation or journaling practice. As I mentioned, I'm going to upload a meditation to assist you with this because I think that it's important when we're meditate to see what arises and to begin sitting with ourselves and to learn not to judge it. And maybe what arises for you is a really difficult feeling, and that's okay too. I believe that meditation is there to help us begin to witness the present moment. Rather than reacting to life, it helps us to -- on to life. And so my last piece of advice is that I think it's important for you to take responsibility for your healing and for bringing change into your life. In your question, you mentioned that you feel bad about infidelity. That is a great place to start because it means that you understand that what you did is not aligned with who you are who you want to be. And I think when it comes to infidelity, it's important to take accountability for our mistakes. But it sounds like for you, your inner critic might be out of control right now. And I believe many of us have an inner critic and inner bully and inner punisher, whatever you wanna call it, but this is that voice within us that has created over times, and many times that inner critic, bully, or punisher is actually the voice of somebody else in our life. And so say you had a critical mother or an overly harsh teacher or a cruel caregiver or a critical religious figure in your life growing up, who yelled at you or who was really mean to you, Many times the things said to us throughout these experiences, we begin to tell ourselves. And we tell ourselves these things because it's a way to keep us safe. A part of us often believes that it will hurt less if we tell ourselves these things first. So I think it's important for you to begin examining that critical voice within your head and try to understand if that voice is yours or someone else's.
So I think rather than identifying as a bad person, you want to empower yourself. You want to begin looking at why you cheated. You wanna begin looking at your relationship. You want to begin understanding that you are responsible for your healing. You are responsible for creating change in your life. And sometimes it's not fair. You know? It doesn't feel fair at least, but it's the truth of what it is. And what I found throughout my life is that a lot of people have caused me a lot of harm. And that wasn't because God was punishing me. That was because humans are inherently flawed. Humans cause harm to one another. It is part of living here on Earth is that humans are imperfect. and many humans are wounded. And many humans act out from that wounded place, and they hurt one another. And when somebody hurts you, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. when you hurt somebody else, it doesn't mean you're a bad person, but it becomes your responsibility to heal.
So if somebody harms you, it's your responsibility to heal. And if you harm somebody else, your responsibility to heal. There's not some greater power punishing us. It's that humans interacting with one another is complicated. Life is complicated, and I think that the wounding within the human often causes pain for other humans. And it's important to understand that it's our responsibility to heal, but it's also a gift that we get to heal. And it's also a gift to know that everything is heal I truly, truly believe that everything is healable.
And I think my life is an example of that because I know that I've survived things. that have been incredibly painful to look at, incredibly painful to feel. And there were times in my life that I never thought I'd feel healed. And I'm still healing, but who I am today isn't -- entirely different than who I was 10 years ago. I think that healing is so cool. I think that it's a testament to the power of the human spirit And I think that when we heal, we begin to take our lives back, and we begin to become more intentional with our lives. And that's a gift.
And oftentimes, if we didn't experience hard times, we'd never learn to be intentional, and we'd never learn how strong we are, and we'd never learn how resilient the human spirit is. And it's through those hard times that we get to see our greatest strengths. And we also get to develop those strengths that we often end up sharing with the world. So I know you're going through a really hard time right now, and I'm sorry that you feel the word that's coming to mind is helpless. That's kind of the vibe I got from this question. Is that you feel helpless? But I really think that if you begin to implement some of these steps, you won't feel helpless, and you'll feel like you have the power to help yourself. I wanted to recommend a book as well for you on your healing journey, Renee Brown, who's an author and speaker about vulnerability, who I mentioned throughout the She has a book called The GIFs of Inperfection,
and she outlines 10 guideposts to whole heart of the living, and one of them is faith and intuition. It's trusting in something greater than yourself. And she talks about when we are living in a state of perpetual not enough or a place of I am bad, it can be really hard to trust. in a supportive presence. But Borne Brown writes that faith is essential when we decide to live and love with our whole hearts in a world where most of us want assurances before we risk being vulnerable and getting hurt. I believe that learning to create your own relationship with Faith will not only help you to heal from this incident of cheating but I truly believe it will help you to connect back to your own heart and to live a full and beautiful life. And so I want to wrap up this question with saying I think accountability
starts and ends with you. That being said, I don't think that you should blame God for feeling bad. I think you're seeking forgiveness, not because you feel bad, but because you wanna learn and grow as a human to be a better partner going forward. And I think that it's important for you to learn how to forgive yourself. And I think that it's important for you to understand that there's a reason for your actions. And, again, it's not that you're a bad person. You made a mistake. We all make mistakes. And it's your responsibility to learn from that mistake. It's your responsibility to take accountability for your life. And I also wanna say I know how hard that is. as a survivor of sexual violence. It was an incredibly humbling journey to understand that I was responsible for my own healing. and that there was no power punishing me and that there was no reason for the bad things that happened to me. or that I don't have to understand that reason.
The people who harmed me may have their reasons. That was not important for my healing. My healing was to sit with the one within me that was in pain and was to begin to understand how this incident had many consequences in my life. And how the more accountability and responsibility I took for changing my own life, the more my life has flourished and grown. These are not child concepts. This is the work of being an adult, and many people don't choose to do it. So I honor you for being here. I honor you for asking this question. I believe you are a beautiful soul, and you have the power to heal yourself your healing journey is going to be a great way for you to learn to connect with God, I believe, in a new way, and in your own unique and authentic way. And I believe that if you begin meditating or journaling or sitting with a higher power, you will receive your next steps.
Amanda Durocher [00:50:42]:
For me, that's a way I receive so many of my steps. I believe you are supported by God, and you are also responsible for your life. I hope something in this answer was helpful. Thank you so much for this question.
Amanda Durocher [00:50:58]:
Thank you for tuning into another episode of New View Advice. As always, I'm so grateful to be here with you and to continue having these conversations on tough topic. I hope you found something in this episode helpful. If you have any questions, I invite you to reach out. You can ask a question through my website at new view advice dot com, or you can email me at newviewadvice@gmail.com and ask a question about religious and spiritual trauma or about anything. really. I'm open to all questions. We are here to have uncomfortable conversations. We are here to have vulnerable conversations, and we are here to heal together as a community. So thank you to everybody who has already asked a question, and thank you to everyone who is going to ask a question. I am sending you so much love as you continue to heal. Thank you again for tuning into another episode of New View Advice. As always, I am so grateful to be here with you and to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you next time.
