88: Men & Vulnerability: How to Practice Vulnerability in Your Relationship & Why Criticism Hurts

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Feb 7

Today I will be discussing why vulnerability can be so challenging men (and all people). In this episode, I answer a question from a man who is struggling to be vulnerable with his wife and feels defeated and angry by her criticisms of him. In this episode, we will learn about how society and culture impacts male vulnerability and how women can often have unrealistic expectations of men. This episode is about honoring the male experience and we’ll discuss how to ask your partner to honor your feelings. I also discuss how women (who are in romantic partnerships with men) can begin looking at their own patterns around men and their expectations of men in relationships.

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Free Journal Prompts ✍️

“I’m Not Good Enough” Journal Prompts
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Recommended Episodes 🎙️

Book Recommendation 📚

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown

Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. by Brene Brown
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman

Timestamps ⏱️

Introduction: 00:14
Question: 02:52
Outro: 38:59

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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher (Intro) [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher , and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started. Hey, beautiful souls. My name is Amanda Durocher , and this is New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers you seek. I believe you have all the answers.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:26]:
You just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you so much for joining me for today's episode. Today, we'll be discussing why it could be so difficult for men to be vulnerable in their romantic relationships. So for my male listeners, do you ever feel that you aren't enough or that your partner's criticisms can be really hurtful? And for my female listeners, do you ever wish your partner was more vulnerable but are unsure why they struggle to open up and share their feelings. In this episode, we will learn about how society and culture impacts male vulnerability and how women can often have unrealistic expectations of men. This episode is about honoring the male experience, and male listeners will learn how to ask their partner to honor their feelings, and women listeners will learn how to create a safe space so they can properly honor their partner's or feelings. Before we jump in, I wanna mention here up front that this episode is geared towards male female relationships, so romantic partnerships between men and women. I do think that the advice in this episode can be applicable to other types of relationships as well between men and men or women and women and so forth.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:21]:
But I just wanted to offer that here that I'll be using those words up front, men and women, because I do find that within male female relationships, there is this dynamic that we will discuss today. But I really think that much of what we're discussing is the dichotomy between the feminine and the masculine, and I think every human being has masculine and feminine qualities. So I just wanted to mention that up front here. My second disclaimer is just that I am a woman, and I'll be talking about the male experience. It does not mean that I know the male experience. I do not know what it feels like to be a man, but I have been with a man for over 12 years now, and we have learned so much together. And I've learned to be very empathetic towards the male experience. And by working with male clients, I have learned how deep some of this programming goes and how important it is for us to discuss today.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:11]:
So I just wanna offer those 2 disclaimers here up front. I'm not perfect, so this is my attempt at talking about male Vulnerability, but please reach out if you have any additional questions or you have any comments or if you agree or disagree with me. I'm always open to discussion. I'm here to learn right alongside with you about the human experience. Before I jump into the today's listener question, I also just want to mention that if you haven't checked out my website, I invite you to check it out after this episode for more free resources, including journal prompts, meditations, and podcast The episode's about the healing journey. You can check it out at newvia advice.com, and today's show notes will be at newvia advice.com/88. So with that, let's jump on into talking about male vulnerability. Hi, Amanda.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:53]:
I'm ready to ask you a question regarding my marriage. I am a 30 year old man, and my wife is a 28 year old woman. We have been married for 2 years. Recently, my wife's criticisms have been extremely difficult for me. I've never enjoyed them, but recently, I can't really take it. I feel like she's always nagging me. I'll be the 1st to say that I'm not perfect. I often forget the things she asks me to do.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:12]:
I need them written down and can't remember them when she tells me. I've tried to talk to her about it, but I find that when I try to be vulnerable, she just becomes more critical. I think it's harder for me because I've been having a hard time at work really not enjoying my job, so her criticisms have been hitting me a lot harder recently. I tried opening up, but she got defensive and made it all about her. So So now when she gets critical, I get angry. I don't wanna be angry with her, but I just don't know what to do. I really wish she would just tell me she was proud of me and that she wouldn't leave me if things weren't perfect, but I don't see that ever happening. How can I be vulnerable with my wife about what I'm feeling? Any advice on how to talk to her? Thanks for taking the time to read my question.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:47]:
Thank you so much for this question. I think this is such an important question and such a relevant question. When I did my research into male vulnerability, this is a very Common theme among men. Not feeling like they can talk about how much criticism actually hurts. So I just wanna honor this question. Thank you so much. And I also just wanna say that I'm so sorry that you're feeling criticized within your relationship. I know how challenging that can be, and I have also been the one who has done the criticism.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:12]:
And I learned Learned through my relationship with my partner, Evan, that criticism can be really hurtful and can have lasting effects within the relationship. Evan and I have worked through criticism, but it took time. And I just wanna mention that up front here too that many of these patterns we're playing out will take time to heal. So Be patient with yourself, but just bringing awareness to this and just asking this question is a beautiful first step. So today, I really want to honor the male experience. I really wanna honor what it's like to be a man and with this question to be a straight man in today's society. Because after working with many men and speaking with men in my own life, it is very clear to me that so many men are hurting and need safe spaces to be vulnerable. I think that it's So important for all humans to learn how to feel their feelings, acknowledge their feelings, to feel safe within their human experience.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:03]:
To be human is to be emotional. I think that our society, especially here in America, has demonized emotions in so many ways, and I know that men Specifically really feel this. From a young age, so many men are taught to be a man, and that that means not crying. That means Not having your feelings, that means being a provider, that means so many things that just aren't true. What is true is that if you are a man and When you identify as a man, you just are a man. You're enough just as you are. You do not need to change a single thing about yourself. Everyone is enough just as they are.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:38]:
But through societal expectations and through culture and through the messages we learn from our parents, including our fathers, as our uncles, our grandfathers, teachers we have had, we learn as young children that that isn't necessarily true or that's what we think we learn. So much of life is about unlearning things we've learned that are not true. And so I just want to offer that up front here because I'm not sure who's listening to this episode. But For all the men who this may be a new concept for or who are looking to be vulnerable but are really afraid of being vulnerable, that's okay. I think everybody's afraid to be vulnerable. Brene Brown talks a lot about vulnerability, and she talks about how vulnerability is having the courage to risk being hurt. And men are so often expected to be strong, and it's a insult for many men to be seen as weak. They learned at a young age that that's just not okay.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:28]:
And because of that, many men shut down their feelings because so many people have, as I mentioned, demonized emotions and made them A bad thing have made them represent being weak, which I just want to talk a bit about how that's just not true. Because if you're human, you have feelings. It does not make you weak. You're gonna have good feelings. You're gonna have bad feelings or whatever you wanna label them. I don't actually believe in good and bad feelings. I personally believe in there are emotions that are more positive to feel, that feel good to feel, and then there are emotions that are more challenging. But I believe from my own experience that every single emotion I have ever felt is just trying to communicate with me about my human experience.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:12]:
My anger communicates with me when a boundary has been broken. My sadness communicates that something has happened that has hurt me. It is not weak to be hurt, but I think we teach so many men that it is weak to be hurt. Don't get hurt. Be tough. We're human. We all get hurt. Does it make you weak? I believe that being vulnerable takes a lot of strength.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:33]:
It's incredibly hard to be vulnerable. And so I just wanna honor you here and honor the feelings you're having. I wanna honor your anger. Of course, you're angry. It sounds like you've been bottling up a lot of emotions for a really long time. Also, I think your anger is probably communicating with you that you're done being criticized, that you don't like it, that it's time to set a boundary, that it's time to have a tough conversation. Oftentimes, at least I found in my life, that anger arises because it's a hard emotion to ignore. More.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:00]:
Like you wrote here, I don't wanna be angry at my wife, but I am angry. Great. What a great first step. What a great acknowledgment of how you're truly feeling. I also would guess that you're feeling lonely. It must be really lonely to feel like you have to carry all your feelings by yourself, to not feel like you can share your fears with anybody, to carry whatever shame you have been carrying. We all have shame, and we all have fears, and it does not make you weak to have fears. I think it makes you strong to admit you have fears.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:31]:
In a world that wants to ignore fear and struggle and suffering, I think it's incredibly strong to admit that we have fears, And I think that's where vulnerability is created, admitting we're not perfect. We don't have all the answers. I think so many of us Our craving, intimacy. And intimacy is found in those moments where we admit that we're not perfect, that we share the same fears, that we were hurt a long time ago, maybe in our childhood, teen years, in our twenties, at some point in life, and it still hurts. And so I mentioned that because loneliness is a feeling that I think many men may be feeling. You also may feel sad, frustrated, hopeless. I invite you to begin identifying all the feelings you're having. I think that that is a great first step for so many men is to begin to acknowledge the feelings you're having, and we'll talk more about that throughout the episode.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:25]:
I also wanted to mention that I wanna honor your courage in trying to be vulnerable with your relationship and looking to be more vulnerable As a man, I don't think many men are looking to be more vulnerable, and I think that's such a sad truth because I think that vulnerability is so important, and I think that's what will help to begin healing our world. And the more people can be vulnerable, the safer people will feel, and that will create a ripple effect, I believe. But in order to be vulnerable, we have to feel safe, and it often requires a safe space in order to Continue to be vulnerable. As I already mentioned, for some reason, many cultures and societies deem vulnerability to be a sign of weakness. I hope we're on our way to changing this collectively, but I know that vulnerability is still such a challenge for so many, myself included, and I think especially for men. Many men are taught from a young age to be strong, not to show weakness, that feminine qualities such as having feelings are weak, and that men must hold the family together, struggle silently, not show softness, Definitely don't cry and so on. These unhealthy messages to men have left a sad imprint on humanity. I think it's so clear when you interact with many men how hurtful this programming has truly been.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:33]:
For starters, to be human is to have feelings. No gender is excused of this. We all have feelings. We also all have feminine and masculine qualities. And so part of that is coming back into balance within ourselves, and we will always be out of balance if we are ignoring our emotions. I think that many men, either their struggle with feeling their feelings, or they've shut down completely and don't really feel many feelings at all. But when we do this, we shut down the good ones as well. So I've noticed for people who have a defense mechanism of just not feeling.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:06]:
They also don't feel the good ones. They also don't feel the joy. They also don't feel the excitement, the happiness, The exuberance of life. In order to feel the highs, we have to feel the lows. It's just how it works. And part of healing our relationship with our emotions is beginning to understand, as I already mentioned, that there are no bad emotions. There are no wrong emotions. It is not wrong if you have to cry.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:34]:
It is your heart communicating with you. There is nothing wrong with tears. I think tears are beautiful. I have cried rivers throughout my life. And when I was young, they were demonized. I'm a woman. I was still not supposed to have feelings in my household. I was told over and over again that my feelings were wrong.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:51]:
Grow up, Amanda. Like, having feelings was a child behavior. I'm 32, and I cry all the time still. I've had a hard life. I've also had a beautiful life, but it deserves to be honored in every way. And I honor that life by having all my human feelings. And I wish that reality for men as well because you may not have to cry as many tears as me, But I don't know anybody who gets through this human experience without feeling sadness once, without crying ever. We have eyes to see, but also eyes to cry.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:23]:
We don't have to make it a bad thing. There's nothing wrong with you if you feel sad. There's nothing wrong with you if you feel angry. It's learning how to have your feelings in a healthy way. It's learning how to honor those feelings. It's learning how to allow those feelings. My guess is for many men out there listening to this episode that that's going to be one of the Hardest parts for you is learning how to allow these feelings and not judging them. And I invite you as your feelings begin to arise to identify the feelings arising and also to allow them and to notice what thoughts fly through your head as they arrive.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:57]:
So if you find yourself feeling sad and the urge to cry, I invite you to notice what thoughts come up with that. Are you having thoughts like man up, grow up, Shut up. Don't be weak. Notice what's arising. What do you label your emotions? And then take a step back and ask yourself, is that true? Who taught me that? Begin to bring awareness to your feelings, and we'll talk more about that in the steps of how to be vulnerable. So this leads me into wanting to talk about criticism and how criticism hurts. Words hurt. I always think of that expression, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me, and how this is such a bunch of bullshit.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:37]:
Oh my god. Words hurt. Some of the hardest things in my life has been to heal from the words said to me and said about me. I wanna be clear that words are hurtful And that even though I've been physically hurt, the words last. They live in your head. You begin to tell yourself those things over and over again. And so it's so important for us to learn how to be kind to one another. So I want to share a story because when I was preparing for this episode, I Asked my partner about this question because I wanted to get his input as well.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:08]:
And he reminded me that recently, we were in an Elevator. And there was this couple in the elevator with us with a child, and the man pressed the wrong button. And the woman went, oh my god. You're Such an idiot. That's not our floor. It's p 2, not p 3. And I didn't think anything of it. If anything, I thought like, oh, yeah.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:25]:
Probably a long day, where my partner was devastated for this dude. He didn't say anything, but when they got off the elevator, he was like, can you believe she talked to him like that? And like I said, it took me a minute to be like, what? And then he reminded me what happened, and I was like, oh, yeah. That must really hurt. Wow. And this situation had me thinking about how I actually didn't think anything of this situation and how my partner so fiercely empathized with this man. And we're not excusing this man. Maybe he had been really difficult that day. I don't know.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:54]:
I don't know the situation. But what I do know is that Criticism builds over time, and it's like digging a hole. So you want your relationship to be a solid surface, a solid ground, and criticism is like digging a hole and putting instability within the foundation of the relationship. And over time, the relationship will become very rocky because criticism hurts. And I think this is important to take a minute to talk about because I've noticed that within relationships, especially male female dynamics, it's very common for a woman to be critical, or it's really common for a woman to just not praise or compliment a man. And I think that for many men, words of affirmation is their love language. So if you're unfamiliar, there's a book by doctor Yuri Chapman called the 5 love languages. And I like this book because I think it's important for us to learn our partner's love language more than it is for us to learn our own love language.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:51]:
If If we're not aware of it, I think that that's great knowledge as well. But I found the 5 long languages to be really helpful because it helped me to learn that I was critical. It's a reason I recommend it so many times is That when I learned my partner's love language was words of affirmation and he kinda called me out on being a critical partner, it was, like, mind blown because I didn't even realize I was critical. But when he called me out on it, I realized, like I said, that I definitely made comments all the time. And I definitely had a tone and an attitude that I didn't have with other people. And I think that's important to mention when talking about criticism because I think it's important for men and women to remember that we wanna treat our partners better than we treat strangers. So many people are kind of strangers, kind of people at the grocery store, at the coffee shop, at church. And then they go home and they're critical, or they yell, or they get angry with their loved ones because it can be easier to be mean to loved ones because they're there for us.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:47]:
It feels like a safe space to have those feelings, but truthfully, over time, that wears on the relationship. And if you don't come back and apologize, if you don't take Responsibility or accountability for your actions or your words, that hurts. And over time, that trust that was probably there in the beginning of the relationship begins to break. It's like if you listen to my episode on trust, which I recommend as well, and I'll link in the show notes. I talk about how Brene Brown uses a marble jar example, and trust is like putting a marble in a marble jar over time. And so with each trustworthy action, you take a marble and you put in the jar. But with each untrustworthy action, you take a marble out. So trust is built over time.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:25]:
It is not guaranteed. We don't just give our trust away. We don't just give somebody a full marble jar. Over time, it's built. And sometimes in relationships, at the beginning of the relationship, that trust gets built. But then over time, if we don't continue to build that trust, the trust can just be taken away. Right? Those marbles can just be taken away. And I think criticism is a way that trust is broken.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:46]:
I think it's a way that marbles are taken out of the jar. Or I think that when people are critical, it shows they are not a safe space. And so people stop opening up. They stop being vulnerable. They stop being honest. But it sounds like in your marriage, you really want a vulnerable, safe space, which I respect and I love for you and your partner. And so I think it's important to learn how to communicate this with your partner. I also wanna mention here that learning to talk about criticism, especially if it's a pattern within your relationship, will take time and patience.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:12]:
I know that when I learned I was critical, I didn't even realize certain things I said came across as critical. It took being called out multiple times, and I did not love that at the beginning. I definitely got defensive. Nobody likes being called out for being a not so great partner. And so communicating in a nice way and being patient with one another as you're calling out each other's Unhelpful patterns is important, and reminding your partner that you love them, that you wanna be with them, and that you're mentioning these things because you wanna build and grow your relationship. Focusing on the positives will be helpful when communicating about this criticism with your partner. And this leads me into talking a bit about women and men's vulnerability because I've noticed that many women say they want a vulnerable man. They want a man to be vulnerable.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:56]:
They want a man to talk about his feelings, or they want a man to be able to hold space for all their feelings. But when the man tries to open up or shows that they're not indestructible or shows that they have hard feelings, They are criticized or shunned by the woman or shamed by the woman. And I found in my life that it's an incredibly humbling experience to be with a man and his feelings because they are just as strong as my feelings. Because why wouldn't they be? We're all human. But I was not used to being around men with feelings. My brother and my father, who I grew up with, Only showed the emotion of anger, which in my childhood wasn't even labeled an emotion. I kept being told they're not emotional. You're emotional.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:30]:
And I'm like, these You are, like, really angry. Isn't that an emotion? I didn't even register that until I was in my twenties. My 1st therapist had to point that out to me. That anger is an emotion. So many men are emotional. They just aren't showing the full spectrum of emotions, but anger is an emotion. And so I just wanna mention this that it can feel daunting and uncomfortable for for women to be with men in their feelings. But it's important, and it's necessary if you're looking for that deep intimacy and that deep connection.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:58]:
I think that men have learned unhealthy messages about men. Right? Be a man. Grow up. Man up. Be strong. Don't be weak. But I think women have also learned that message. So it's important for women to also look at where they are holding men to unhealthy and unrealistic expectations.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:16]:
A small example I have of this in my own life is that when Evan and I started dating so, like, 12 years ago, we were both in college, and we watched a scary movie together. And we both hate scary movies, but we had just met, so we didn't know that each other hated scary movies. And I don't know how we ended up watching a scary movie, but we did. We rented a scary movie back in the day when you went to Redbox in the grocery store and got an actual DVD. And we put the scary movie on, and there were scenes that Evan refused to watch because they were so scary. But I also didn't wanna watch them, and I was so frustrated because I was like, you're the man. You're supposed to watch these, and then tell me what happened. If neither of us watch it, we're gonna have no idea what's going on this movie.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:51]:
And Evan has always been extremely honest, which has been so humbling for me and is one of the qualities I love about Evan and also sometimes drives me crazy, but in a really endearing way. But he was like, why should I have to watch that? Why should I have to watch somebody get their head chopped off because you don't want to just because I'm a guy. And it was, like, one of those moments where my mind was like, shit. He's so right. But I had never thought that before because I had never been around a man who was so honest about that. And now we don't watch scary movies. We just like to watch a lot of comedies together, but I think that was a really important moment. And moments like that have happened again and again throughout our relationship Deb, where it's been important for Evan to, one, call me out on my own expectations of men and also for me to be open to Evan being a real person with real feelings and not on what I just think he should be.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:39]:
And then has taught me time and time again that we don't control our partners. Our partners are not who we label them to be. They're Real human beings with their own lives, experiences, opinions, ways of being ways of thinking about the world. Evan and I are incredibly different. It's always fascinating to me that we've worked out so well because we're so different, but it has been such a gift to be with somebody so different than with me. And so often, he calls me out on my limiting beliefs, my false beliefs about men. And that's been so healing for me because you don't know what you don't know. Right? And so it takes somebody calling me out in a loving way to show me where I need to grow and change.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:18]:
And I mentioned that here because when you lean into vulnerability in your relationship, I think you're gonna have to learn how to communicate and have tough conversations with your wife about what your experience of a man is and how it may not be what she thinks you are, and that's gonna have to be okay. And it is okay. There is absolutely nothing wrong with who you are and how you are and how you see the world and how you feel the world. The only thing that is wrong is our labeling of it being wrong. The healing journey is unpeeling those layers and those lies we tell ourself. And the more we do that, the more we see that we have never been wrong. We have always been enough. We are worthy of everything our heart desires, and there's nothing wrong with the way we feel.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:03]:
There's nothing wrong with our emotions. They do not make us weak. They tell us information, and they actually make us strong, honest, and vulnerable. And before I jump into talking about how you can begin to be vulnerable and outlining a few steps that I've already touched on throughout this So I just want to mention to all the women listening to this episode that I know for women, it's tough to be vulnerable too. It is hard to be vulnerable. It's hard for everybody to be vulnerable. So I don't want any women to feel attacked throughout this episode. I am a woman.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:32]:
I'm just being honest, and I think it's important that we honor men and their experience as well. But it's tough to be vulnerable for all of us, so it's important for everybody listening, no matter what your gender is, to Remember that vulnerability takes courage, and it takes time, and it takes patience. You're not gonna be perfect, and you're gonna feel uncomfortable and achy and maybe get anxiety in your stomach. But through time, acts of vulnerability become easier. I also wanna mention here that Vulnerability and shame often go together. And what I mean by that is that shame is often the reason we are not vulnerable. And so shame is the idea that I am bad. I am wrong.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:10]:
I am a mistake. Brene Brown talks a lot about this in her book Daring Greatly, which I highly recommend for everyone. My partner and I read it together. We both really liked it. I also bought a copy for my brother. I don't think he ever read it, but I think it's a great book for all genders. I don't think it's too female based. Like, some self help books can come off.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:28]:
But I think it's important to note that shame and vulnerability go hand in hand, so that's why it can be so hard to be vulnerable because oftentimes, we're admitting things that we feel Shamed about. And shame, to me, feels like a heavy, heavy, dark blanket. I heard Kristen Bell once describe it as it feels like a really tight glove. For everybody, shame is going to feel different, but it's that belief that I am bad. I am wrong. I am a mistake rather than guilt, which is I did something wrong. I made a mistake. It's identifying with those negative qualities such as being wrong and bad, which I don't think are true about anybody.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:06]:
And I know people are gonna disagree with me on that, but at this point in my life, I don't think anybody is truly wrong in their being. We're all here having a human experience and learning how to be human together. And shame can keep us from the really juiciness of being human. So when you begin talking with your partner about the things that are important for you. Just remember that it's not easy when you're bringing shame to light, but how we clear shame, and this is another Brene Brown teaching, is that we Clear it by talking about it, by bringing it out of secrecy, and by using words because shameless and secrecy and silence. So it's important to put words to how you're feeling. So how can you begin being vulnerable in your life and in your relationship? So the first thing I recommend is to begin to identify how you're feeling and your beliefs around masculinity and being a man. And if there's any female listeners listening, I also invite you to begin to write down and become aware of how you view men and your beliefs around men.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:02]:
So some specific things to look at could be your relationship with your emotions. I think beginning to look at how you communicate about emotions, Do you label them as negative? Are there ones you refuse to heal? Are there ones you label as weak or unmanly? Begin to really look at your relationship with All the different emotions out there, sadness, anger, frustration, heartbreak, hopelessness, fear, Terror. Begin to become aware of how you view these emotions, and also begin to look at where these beliefs may have begun in your life. So when I look at the way I thought men should be, I look at how my family taught me men should be. And many times, the words weren't said to me, men do this. Men do that. It was through my child self witnessing and watching the dynamics of men and women. Then.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:52]:
And so many subconscious beliefs were picked up, and I had to unravel those. We also learn a lot about different genders and ways of being as humans through media. And I always mention that. So I invite you to think of your favorite movies, to think of your favorite lead Characters, and why do you think they're manly, or why do you think certain actors aren't manly. Right? Begin to suss out your beliefs around being a man. I also invite you to ask yourself the question, how does it feel to open up to someone and be shut down or rejected because of your feelings? There's gotta be feelings there around that and maybe reasons why you don't open up and why it feels so scary to be vulnerable with your wife. I also invite you to ask yourself, how does it feel to be criticized? What are the feelings that go through your body? You've mentioned anger. Have you always felt anger at criticism, or are there other feelings that arise as well? My guess is there's probably more.
Amanda Durocher [00:27:46]:
I find in most situations, there's more than 1 emotion that arises, especially when we haven't unpacked it yet. Because my other thing I wanna mention about criticism is that my guess is your wife isn't the 1st person to criticize you. So it's specifically hard when your wife criticizes you because my guess is it's triggering a childhood wound, which would be connected to your father, your mother, a sibling, a teacher. And I want you to begin to look at what your relationship with criticism has been throughout your whole life. For me, I found my mother to be critical, and I think my father was more critical of my brother. My mother was more critical of me. I'm not sure this is Common. Maybe it is.
Amanda Durocher [00:28:23]:
Maybe it isn't. But I found criticism was so hard for me because of my childhood wound around it. So I invite you to maybe do some inner child work around this. I talk about inner child work all the time on the podcast, but inner child work is really connecting with your child self. This is not a feminine thing. This does not make you not manly. It's important for everybody to look at how their childhood is impacting their present if it's impacting their present in a negative way. If you want your life to be different, it's important to bring awareness to why you are playing out certain patterns, certain behaviors, Certain ways of being now and very often, it's tied to the past if we're stuck in a pattern.
Amanda Durocher [00:29:02]:
It's not manly or unmanly. That just is. And so I invite you to do some inner child work. If you find connecting with your feelings or bringing awareness to your patterns difficult, I suggest journaling. And I have journal prompts on my website. You can check out at newviewadvice.com. But if journaling is not your thing or you're still having difficult team, the 2nd piece of advice I have for learning to be vulnerable is to begin working with somebody 1 on 1. So you could work with a coach, a therapist.
Amanda Durocher [00:29:28]:
I offer 1 on 1 sessions, but connecting with somebody in a safe space. So sometimes it's helpful, I've found, to have a third party or have somebody who's not connected to our personal life where we begin to open up. This is what happened in my life. I had to learn how to be vulnerable with myself before I could be vulnerable with others. I find group environments can be helpful as well. Maybe you could find a men's support group. I've done support groups for specific traumas throughout my life. Maybe you're a member of a church or a synagogue or a spiritual organization that offers safe spaces.
Amanda Durocher [00:30:03]:
But it may be helpful for you to first learn how to be vulnerable with yourself or with somebody who is able to hold a safe space for you. My 3rd piece of advice is to begin to have those uncomfortable conversations with your wife. So vulnerability at its core is having the willingness to show emotion or to allow your own weaknesses to be seen or known. Brene Brown describes vulnerability as Uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. It's that uncomfortable feeling we get when we know we're about to expose something that we normally wouldn't say out loud, And there's real power in just speaking our truth. And so I invite you to begin having these uncomfortable conversations with your wife. It Sounds like it's at a point in your marriage where it's going to be really important because you're finding yourself being angry. And I wonder if by just sharing how you're feeling, if some of that anger will begin to dissipate.
Amanda Durocher [00:30:54]:
And so I invite you to be open and honest, and don't blame your partner. You know, I believe this is new for both of you, and you've both been playing out old patterns in in your relationship. And my guess is some of these patterns have been picked up throughout your life, maybe through your own parents or caregivers. And I'm not sure how many uncomfortable conversations you 2 tend to have, but it's always going to be vulnerable, and it takes practice. So I invite you to tell your Partner how you feel when she criticizes you. I know it's scary to be honest with your partner, and there might be people out there who are like, nope. I'm not doing that yet. And if that's you, then I invite you to go to step 1 and work on vulnerability with yourself, work on that awareness, and work on your connection with your feelings.
Amanda Durocher [00:31:33]:
But for the asker of this question, I think that it's It's important to be honest with your partner about how the criticisms feel for you. I invite you to use I feel statements. Like, I feel hurt. I feel sad. I feel disappointed when you criticize me. When communicating with our partners, it's important to use I feel statements or Statements about how you feel rather than saying you make me feel, that will always put people on the defensive because it sounds like you're blaming them, and I bet You don't blame your partner. We don't have to blame one another. We're all growing together.
Amanda Durocher [00:32:03]:
So when you're communicating vulnerably, I think that taking the time to not be emotional can be really full. So I always find before I have a tough conversation with my partner, I wanna make sure that I've processed all my difficult feelings. So if I was feeling angry, I wanna process that on my own because anger feels really dangerous for a lot of people. It feels really scary when somebody has their anger at us, so it's important to process that and then come back and communicate what that anger was telling us. So you feel angry when your wife criticizes you. Maybe and I feel the same and you would use After you have an experience, maybe you go process that anger. And I have an episode about anger where I talk about processing anger on your own in a healthy manner, which I'll link in the show notes at newbie advice .com/eighty eight. But I invite you to come back to your partner and say, I feel angry when you talk to me like that.
Amanda Durocher [00:32:46]:
It triggers my inner child. It triggers the way my mother used to speak with me, Or I feel really hurt when you criticize me because I'm having a tough time at work, and I'm being criticized a lot there. And I am looking for a safe based when I come home, and I'm not able to handle that right now. Can we find a different way to communicate what you're looking to communicate with me? And if you find your partner begins to get defensive, I know I used to get really defensive, I think reminding your partner that you love them, that you're looking to grow with that you're committed to this relationship and you're only bringing this up because you wanna love each other more and you believe that you can grow together, you know, like, really Offer those positive statements, I think, can be really helpful when being vulnerable and when sharing how we're feeling and how the other person's actions may be impacting us in a hurtful way. And I think when being vulnerable, if you're giving feedback to your partner, maybe you wanna take some responsibility as well. You mentioned how sometimes you forget at things, and I can see how this could be frustrating for your partner. So I think it's important to also take accountability. Right? Like, maybe you feel so much shame about forgetting things.
Amanda Durocher [00:33:47]:
You never talk that out. Maybe you never bring it up because you feel so much shame. I think that's an important thing to articulate as well. Like, I know I dropped the ball a lot. I'm really sorry that I struggle to remember the things you ask me to do. Is there a system we could put in place where I can be better at this? I am really sorry. And maybe when you forget to do those things, you do apologize. Because I think people also think apologizing is weakness, so people don't apologize.
Amanda Durocher [00:34:11]:
But I've found in my life, when somebody apologizes and takes accountability, all those icky feelings I was feeling or all those contentious Feelings I was feeling at that person so often just dissipate. I'm like, oh my god. That person gets it. Okay. Cool. Because what apologizing does is you acknowledge that person's experience. You're like, I get it. I'm sorry.
Amanda Durocher [00:34:30]:
I can see how that would be frustrating for you. I take responsibility there. Taking responsibility is such a radical act in a world that is running from responsibility. And so I think it's important When having tough and vulnerable conversations, just take responsibility for your role too. Right? I believe partnerships and relationships are two way street, so it's rarely one-sided. And when it does seem one-sided, I invite you to dig a little deeper. What has been your role here? And maybe your role has just been, I haven't been speaking up for myself. I've let myself be walked over, or maybe the role is I've been checked out of this relationship, or maybe your role is something As simple as I've been in my own head, I haven't acknowledged my partner for a while.
Amanda Durocher [00:35:13]:
I could be more present. I think so often, it's a two way street. I Rarely find a situation where it's really just one-sided. And when it comes to criticism within relationships, Because I invite you to look at where you may be critical of your wife as well because I find it can be so easy to be critical of our loved ones. When it comes to criticism, I think there's other ways to communicate what we need. So in my life, I tend to use humor now. I tend to call my partner out for things, but in a humorous way. So I'm not critical.
Amanda Durocher [00:35:42]:
My tone is lighter, but it has the same message. Like, hey. You dropped the ball here. What's up? I try to use humor instead because I find that humor helps to alleviate defenses rather than build up defenses because criticism will always cause people to build their walls higher and higher. My last piece of advice here is that I invite you to begin to offer yourself compassion. So for some of you, this may not sound manly. So if compassion doesn't work for you, I invite you to just be kind to yourself or be nice to yourself. Self, you mentioned that you wish your wife would say she was proud of you, but I invite you to really think about how often do you tell yourself that you're proud of you.
Amanda Durocher [00:36:22]:
How kind are you to you? How often do you reassure yourself that you are okay and that you're unable to do everything, but that is okay? What is your own self talk like? I find for people with negative self talk, people who are cruel to themselves, people who are very self critical, outside criticism can be extremely difficult and can be even harder to handle. So you mentioned having a hard time at work. Maybe you've become more self critical around your job, so that's why Your wife's criticism is hurting you more, is irritating you more, is hitting you harder than it was before. I think that Compassion and learning to be our own best friends is so important for every single human being. I don't think compassion is just for women. I think compassion is strength. I don't know many compassionate people in my own life. People who exude compassion, That takes a hell of a lot of self love.
Amanda Durocher [00:37:17]:
That takes an incredible amount of self honesty. That takes an incredible amount of strength to overcome your patterning of self criticism. In a world that would encourage you to beat yourself up or tell you that there is Always something you can buy to make you better, it is a radical act to be kind to yourself and to know that you are enough in this moment, Not in a future moment, not when you hit some career goal, not when you hit some family goal, not when your wife changes. Right now in this moment knowing that you are enough is incredibly strong because the more also you're able to be kind to yourself, the nicer you'll be to others and the more of a safe place you'll be. And I think he's incredibly masculine for men to be safe spaces for others, for men to be protective spaces. Is. And I don't mean physically protective that you're gonna beat somebody up. I think true protection is safety.
Amanda Durocher [00:38:12]:
It's knowing that with somebody, you are protected, that you are not going to be harmed by that individual, knowing that you can show up in your enoughness with their enoughness and be met in that place. That's true protection. And so if you find compassion to be a little girly, is so we're coming to mind, I invite you to ponder that. Is kindness really girly, or is kindness radical? Is kindness more of what the world needs? Is kindness more of what you need? So with that, thank you so much for this question. I enjoyed having this conversation. I hope it was helpful. If you have any questions or any feedback, please let me know. You can send me an email at Nuvia Advice at gmail.com.
Amanda Durocher [00:38:51]:
And thanks again. I am sending you so much love. Thank Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. As always, I am so grateful to have these conversations each week. Today, we talked about male vulnerability and how we can all Begin to become more vulnerable in our lives and why vulnerability is so important. If you haven't already, I invite you to leave a 5 star review and a rating for the podcast. Reviews and ratings are so helpful, and subscribing to the podcast. All that's really helpful and helps me to continue to make more podcast episodes.
Amanda Durocher [00:39:25]:
In total transparency, I make these episodes for free, and it costs a lot of money to have a podcast. But I love doing this, and I love connecting with the new video advice community. But those 5 star ratings really, really helps. So if you are still here and listening, that would be so helpful. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of newbie advice. As always, I hope I was able offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love.
Amanda Durocher (Outro) [00:39:48]:
See you next time.