129: How to Begin Again When Life Feels Unfair - Starting at Square One
In this episode, I answer a listener’s question: “How do we begin again after a major life change?” I dive into the emotions and feelings that come with starting over—whether after a breakup, moving to a new place, or losing friendships. I share my own personal stories of beginning again, from navigating unexpected loss to switching life paths more than once.
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I offer compassionate advice on reframing the narrative around “square one” moments, emphasizing that new beginnings are natural and often become the foundations of our most aligned lives. My intentions is to provide comfort and actionable steps for anyone feeling stuck or lost. Tune in for a compassionate conversation on embracing change, letting go of unfair expectations, and stepping into newfound hope—no matter how tough the reset. You’re not alone, and you’re exactly where you’re meant to be.
Recommended Episodes 🎙️
Book Recommendations 📚
Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One by Dr. Joe Dispenza
Timestamps ⏱️
Introduction: 0:05
Listener Question: 3:00
Outro: 25:53
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice with Amanda Durocher. Hey, beautiful soul. Welcome to New View Advice. My name is Amanda Durocher. And if you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers you seek. I believe you have all the answers. You just may need a new view and a little help along the way.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:19]:
This week, I am answering a question about how do we start over again. So many times throughout our lives, we find ourselves in a place where we feel like we're beginning again. And this week, I'm answering a question from a listener who recently got out of a relationship. They had to move into a new apartment, and they feel like they're starting from scratch. And I think that this can be a really challenging time, but it's also a time where after we feel a lot of feelings, because as this listener describes, this can lead us to feeling sad, depressed, and hopeless. But after we allow ourselves those feelings, it's also such a gift to be able to start again. And I think that right here upfront, I wanna bust the myth that we're not supposed to start again. I think life is filled with new chapters.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:01]:
It's filled with times in our life where we begin again. And throughout this episode, I'm gonna share a few experiences from my own life where I had to pick up everything and start again, and how those are some of the greatest gifts of my life. And I look back on those moments, and I love that version of myself who is able to begin again. Because truly, it's been through those moments of feeling like I'm at ground zero that I've been able to build and move in a direction that's aligned with me and not aligned with what the world would tell me my life should look like. And that's another part of this question where this person feels as though they're not where they should be because they are comparing themselves to other people. And again, we're gonna talk about it right here up front in the intro. Do not compare yourself to other people. Also, do not ever compare yourself to social media.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:45]:
Social media is fiction. It is not real life. You are not seeing somebody's day to day. You do not know what happens beyond those short little videos. So with that, we're gonna talk about how do we begin again today because so many of us find ourselves in new chapters of life. And so my intention for this episode is to help you to feel less alone and help you to feel inspired to lean into hope rather than hopelessness. I know how all encompassing hopelessness can feel. So we're gonna talk about a few ways to begin to pivot in a new direction.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:13]:
Before I jump into today's question, I wanted to mention here upfront that if you haven't already, I invite you to go to my website, newviewadvice.com, or blog posts, podcast episodes, poems, and more about the healing journey. New View Advice is a media company for the healing journey where we offer content and resources for people healing and to help people to feel less alone. I know that the isolation and the loneliness of healing was the hardest part for me along my own journey. So my hope is that we are able to help people feel less alone through the various forms of content we create. And if you're looking for anything else, please let me know. We're always looking to add to the website. And you can check all that out at newviewadvice.com. And today's episode show notes will be at newviewadvice.com/12nine.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:51]:
And with that, let's jump on into talking about how do we begin again. Amanda, thank you so much for your podcast. It's been such a comfort during a rough time in my life. I'm writing in because I recently left a relationship that needed to end. I moved out, and I started over in a new place, a new apartment with new roommates, which I haven't had in years. In the process of this breakup, I lost most of my friends. I know I made the right call, but lately I've been feeling really low. Not because I miss him, I don't, but because I miss the life I had.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:23]:
My friends are getting married, one of my sisters is having a baby, and I'm starting over from square one. How is this fair? I feel stuck in a feeling of depression and sadness, and I guess I thought I'd be doing better by now. I really believe this choice would put me on a better path. I know that he wasn't the person for me, but instead I feel like I'm behind. Everyone else seems to be moving forward, and I seem to have taken 10 steps backwards. Did I make a mistake? Should I get back with my ex? Will things ever change? Why does it all feel so hard? Do you have any advice? I'm feeling hopeless. Thank you so much for this question. I am very grateful for this question because I think so many people can relate to this feeling of starting over in different areas of their life.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:01]:
You know, I think that the idea that we are only ever moving, quote, unquote, forward in our life in the way that we think we should is a myth. I do think we're always moving forward. It just might not be to the quote, unquote destination we thought we were going to, if that makes sense. So were you I do actually think you're moving forward. Right? You left a relationship that you said multiple times in your question was not right for you. So, no, I do not think you should get back with your ex because multiple times you stated that it was the right decision for you. And with that, sometimes the right decision isn't the easiest decision. That's actually very often the case.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:35]:
The easiest decision sometimes is the one that keeps us stuck. I think you are moving forward in your life. I just don't think it looks like where you thought you would be or where society says you should be. Right? You mentioned your sister's having a baby. You mentioned friends getting married. It sounds to me like you are comparing yourself to different lives than yours. Your path is uniquely yours, and I truly believe you're exactly where you're supposed to be. It may not be easy.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:01]:
It may not be pretty right now, but it doesn't mean that it's wrong. I too have had many moments where I have to start over. I have smaller moments, and I have big moments. Your question reminded me of when I was about 24, and my friend Michael Dolan died. I actually think I was 23. Doesn't really matter. But when my friend Michael Dolan died, I wanted to share this story because actually the day this episode releases is Michael Dolan's birthday. He died ten years ago, which is pretty crazy to me that it's been ten years.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:31]:
But when Michael Dolan died, I felt as you felt. I felt like I was all of a sudden at square one because I've talked about it many times throughout the podcast. But my friend Michael Dolan died when I was about 23, and he died unexpectedly. And it was devastating for me. Not only did I lose a very close friend, I lost a lot of other friends in the process for different reasons, but I also began to see that I too felt like I was at square one because suddenly I realized the life I was living was not mine. It was like the lights got turned on and I was like, who am I? How did I get here? I don't want any of this. I was living in a city I didn't love. I was in a job I did not like.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:10]:
I was just following, to me, society's road map. I went to college. I got a job. I planned to get married and then have a kid. I was like, what else is there? And then my friend Dolan died, and I realized life was short. And I was devastated. I felt so hopeless because I felt like a victim. I'll be honest.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:29]:
In the moment, I felt like a victim. Like, I am in this life I hate. And that's when I began therapy for the first time. Actually, second. But we're not gonna talk about when I went to therapy in my teens, and I had a very toxic therapist moving forward. Anyways, I went to therapy, and I began to see how I ended up where I was by following not myself, but other people. It was through a lot of hard actions, a lot of hard steps, a lot of months. And I think it took two years that I decided to move to Los Angeles to be an actress.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:59]:
That took a lot of guts, to be honest, but it was hard. It was hard to give up the life I had, to see all those things about my life, and to then choose a new path that was untraditional, to pick up my life and then move to LA, and then start again in LA. And spoiler alert, I'm not an actress. See, I can tell you right now that not only did LA lead me to a new place, it led me to another square one where I was like, I don't think I wanna be an actress. I don't wanna just stand here and read one line all day and be typecast as a funny girl because I was told multiple times I wasn't hot enough to be anything other than a funny girl. God, you gotta love LA. Anyway, I realized I didn't wanna do that. I didn't want that to be my life.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:37]:
It didn't feel creative enough for me, and my creative juices weren't being filled. So then I decided to be a screenwriter. I went back to school. I went to UCLA, and I did a year long program. It was a professional program, not like a bachelor's degree or anything. But I did a program in screenwriting, and I was like, I'm gonna be a screenwriter. I'm gonna do it. And then COVID hit, and I realized I wasn't gonna be a screenwriter.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:59]:
And then I had to move from LA for different reasons. And then I went sober during that time, and that was also square one where I was 29 going sober with no job, no home, no prospects of a future. And I had to pick myself up. And from that place, I actually started NuVu Advice because I had been on my healing journey, and I felt passionate about helping people. And then through starting NuVu Advice, I've also had many, many Iraq bottom and many, many a square one. But I share that with you because I look back, and I am grateful for every freaking square one. And I was talking about it actually in therapy recently that I hate being at square one, but I don't regret any time that I was at square one and I chose a new direction. No.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:47]:
None of those paths are where I ended up, and I'm currently not where I'll end up. I hope I'm never where I end up until I die because life isn't supposed to be about hitting milestones that other people set for you. It's about figuring out your path. And I am so happy you left the relationship that wasn't good for you. That took fucking guts. You are brave and you are courageous, and you did something that other people wouldn't do. Other people would stay in the relationship that they were unhappy with, and they would find ways to numb. And then it would be a year, two years, or three years later that then maybe they would leave.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:19]:
But you knew it wasn't right for you, and you chose to leave even though, like you said, your life isn't where you want it to be. Do you know what happens when our life isn't where we want it to be? It means we have a road map to where we can go. It means that you know what you want. And maybe you don't right now. Maybe you don't know what you want. But I think that you likely do have ideas of what you want because you knew that relationship wasn't for you. And it sounds like you may be a little lonely because you lost your friends, and you have other friends that are going in different directions in your life. And I'm not sure how old you are.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:47]:
This sounds like somebody in their twenties, so I'm sorry if I'm judging you. But the twenties is a transitional time where people are landing in new places and changing, where friendships come and go, where relationships change, where we meet new people, and where those relationships from our childhood end. It's a very transitionary age. And so if that is where you are or somebody listening to this question is do not judge yourself for being in a transitional phase, That is what the twenties are for. That's the gift of the twenties. I wish I had enjoyed the transitions and the changes and the ebbs and flows of my twenties more. Because, god, do I wish that I could just go back and understand that I wasn't supposed to just be moving on a line forward. I was exactly where I was.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:33]:
And were my twenties easy? Hell no. God, did I have a hard fucking time. It was hard. My twenties were freaking hard. But I'm so grateful for all the hard work I did then because it's given me a solid foundation for now. And I still go through hard moments all the time. That's my life. I think that's most people's lives.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:52]:
I think if you're doing the work and you're growing and changing and you're creating in this world, yeah, you're gonna hit challenges. But part of life is learning how to pick ourselves back up again. And sometimes we have to set groundwork for that, and sometimes that includes doing some inner work. If you're listening to this podcast, maybe through this breakup, you've realized you have to do a little work on yourself before your next relationship. Maybe you lost yourself in that relationship. I know that happens for a lot of people, and when they come out of that relationship, they're like, who am I? I lost myself. This is a time where you get to find yourself. You get to figure out what you want, who you wanna be, and then you get to try new things and not judge yourself for it.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:29]:
Because it sounds to me like your judgments are one, comparing yourself to others, which again, you are uniquely you. Do not compare yourself to others. Definitely don't compare yourself to people on social media because that's fiction. You do not know what's happening behind a social media account. Plenty of people who are depressed and unhappy have a beautiful account that makes it look like they're living a fantastic life. Also, a lot of people in a lot of debt have beautiful accounts. So I just share that because I want you to stop being so hard on yourself. There's nothing wrong with where you are.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:01]:
There's nothing wrong with a square one. I view it as your life is a story. And when we have square one, it's usually the beginning of a new chapter or the beginning of a new book even. Those moments are actually the moments that we look back on, and we're so glad they happened. But when we live through them, they can feel so hard. It's true. I know every square one I've ever been through, as I lived through it, is very hard. But I look back, and I'm like, yes.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:28]:
Go, Amanda. Go. You know? Like, we look back and we cheer ourselves on for doing the hard things. We gotta be present also for the hard things. And so for you, one, please stop judging yourself. There's nothing wrong with where you are. And, again, I am so happy you left a relationship that was not good for you. I don't know why some people find the love of their life in high school, and others go through relationship after relationship after relationship and find the love of their life in their forties.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:56]:
I don't know why that is, but I do know that there's nothing wrong with either. And both paths offer different journeys and different lessons, different adventures. There's no reason to judge one another. There's no reason to judge yourself. That's not helping. And so you've mentioned feeling sad and hopeless. But what can we do to bring some hope back into your life? I want you to begin shifting your perspective and remembering that you are the creator of your life, and you are more powerful than you are letting yourself believe you are right now. You chose to leave a relationship that wasn't good for you.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:32]:
Again, I'm so proud of you for doing that. You left that relationship, and now it is your responsibility to pivot, to try something new. I think that when we feel stuck, sad, and hopeless, the best piece of advice I can offer you is do something new. Try something different. And a book I recommend for this is Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza, or you can read his book Becoming Supernatural by Joe Dispenza. But his work is all about changing our lives, and he talks a lot about the power of meditation and intention. And in the book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, he talks about how we can even change our lives by just taking a different drive to work. So so many times we live our life on autopilot and we do the same thing every day.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:15]:
And he talks about what if you just brush your teeth differently. Right? What if you brush them in a different room in your house? Or what if you drink coffee from a different coffee mug? Or what if you take a different drive to work? But to become somebody new, we need to be somebody new. We have to act differently. And we are such habitual creatures as humans, and I think that's because of safety. We feel safe when we are the same and when we know routine, but we can be unhappy being the same. You mentioned feeling sad and hopeless and depressed. And to me, that is a sign that there's gotta be some shifts in your life. And so I invite you to try new things.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:55]:
And that could be as small as taking a different drive to work, or it could be as big as moving somewhere new, trying a new job. But begin to ask yourself, what do you want? And journal about it. So some journal prompts I recommend is to really become intentional about what you desire. First, before you even focus on a what you desire, I would focus on how you want to feel. How do you want to feel twelve months from now? Do you wanna feel joyful? Do you wanna feel free? Do you wanna feel happy? Start with figuring out how you wanna feel. And then begin to ask yourself, what do you believe would help you to feel that way? And I invite you to free write as you journal and to allow yourself maybe to surprise yourself about what could bring you those feelings of freedom. Because maybe instead of feeling free by moving to a new city, maybe freedom would be letting go of your mother wound, no longer feeling trapped by comparing yourself to others. Maybe it's letting go of that trauma you've been avoiding.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:52]:
Because what I find is sometimes the answer to our questions isn't what we think it should be. In my life, something I'm always coming back to is desiring to feel free. And I feel freest when I am in a ever flowing place of creativity. I love being creative. It's my favorite thing. But I can get caught in the mindset of money will lead me to feeling free, and there's nothing wrong with desiring money. But I have gone through times in my life when I have a lot of money and when I have no money. And I will tell you, it has never been about the money, and it's always been about my inner world.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:24]:
Because some of my favorite memories are the times that I don't have any money. And when Evan and I were both out of work, and we were figuring things out in a way that I hope we don't have to do anytime soon, but you never know what life's gonna bring you. And those are some of my favorite memories because we had so much fun in the small moments. And it wasn't about having this luxurious life. It was about enjoying each other's company. And it was about learning that life was free without all those external things I thought I needed, that I had learned in my childhood would make me happy, and they didn't. In my childhood, I probably grew up with everything I could ever want and more. I still wasn't happy.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:00]:
And so I share that with you because as you explore what you desire and where you want to be twelve months, five years, ten years from now, you pick the timeline. But do with the timeline. I invite you to do at least three months from now. Don't put your so much pressure on yourself that you have to change in a week, in a month. Give yourself at least three months to see progress because true change takes time. Doesn't happen overnight. So I invite you to not judge yourself throughout this time. I invite you to try something new.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:30]:
I invite you to allow failure. Failure is not a bad thing. So many of us grow up with the idea that we have to be perfect. Even you with these things of like, how is it fair that I'm starting over? It's almost like you're comparing your life to the perfect life. Because the truth is you're not starting at square one. You learn so much throughout your life. And you're just at a new step in your life. Like, if life is a staircase, you're at a new step, you're at a new level, and you are moving forward.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:56]:
It just doesn't look like anybody else's step who's surrounding you right now. But there's nothing wrong with that. But you're comparing it to, like, the perfect life or where you believed you should be. So I guess my next piece of advice would be to let go of the expectations you have set for yourself. So many times, our expectations of who we should be or where we should be are actually what lead to our suffering. And they keep us from being present to the life that we have now and all the gifts we have right now. Because I believe that you leaving this relationship and you starting over, you've given yourself new freedoms. So many times when we're in a relationship that doesn't work for us, it feels suffocating.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:33]:
We feel burdened. We feel angry. We feel resentful. So though you have difficult feelings now, my guess is that you are idolizing this relationship in a way by being like, I miss my old life. You wouldn't have left it if you were really happy or whatever you desire. Right? Do you desire happiness? Do you desire freedom? Do you desire to feel peaceful? Whatever it is that you feel within yourself that you desire to feel, you were not feeling it in that relationship. You left it for a reason. Honor that.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:00]:
And so if you're having trouble starting new, which you will start new, by the way. You will. You may need to have a little bit more grief about where you are right now and how it's not where you expected to be. Because you might have thought that you'd leave your relationship and everything would fall into place. And I have thought that many times throughout my life. But the truth is, where's the fun in that? Where's the fun in everything just falling into place? I feel like I watch Instagrams all the time where people, like, make me believe that life should just fall into place. That is not how my life has worked. Opportunities come and go, but, like, my life doesn't fall into place.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:33]:
I take action towards my desires every day. And for me, I desire to feel free, I desire to feel joy, and I desire to feel peace, which is why I keep returning to those words. You may have different words that you desire to feel, but those are what I desire to feel. But you may have to allow yourself to feel some grief. And there's nothing wrong with feeling grief because I also find when we allow ourselves to feel the grief, that's when our life will show us what our next steps are. So I started this episode by sharing about Michael Dolan, who I love, and I'm so grateful he was in my life. And through the grief I felt, I got to see clearly what worked in my life and what didn't and what I desired for myself. And it was through feeling those feelings and no longer shoving down my pain that I was able to take steps towards a new life.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:19]:
And again, my life isn't anywhere extravagant or glamorous or I'm not like, oh my god, I reached the mountain top. No. I've learned that life is just a bumpy road. It twists and it turns. There's no destination. We hit moments and things in our life, and we reach accomplishments, but truly life just keeps moving forward. And before I wrap up this question, I wanted to talk a teeny bit about how you asked, how is this fair? Oof. Fairness.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:49]:
I don't believe life is fair, and I don't believe life is unfair. I just don't think we should be judging life based off of the idea of fairness. Everyone's life is different. I have experienced many horrible things throughout my life that were not fair, but life is not fair. We're not all given the same cards. We're not all born into the same circumstance. We're not all starting at the same starting line. Everybody has their own life as their own journey.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:15]:
So I know you feel like life is unfair right now. But if you can shift your point of view and realize that your life isn't unfair, it's just where you are. That will help you, I believe, to get out of that hopeless place. Because when I get stuck in victim mentality, because that is what it is to think life is unfair. Life is happening to me. We can get stuck in a feeling of depression, a feeling of helplessness, and feeling powerless. There's nothing wrong with living there. You're welcome to live there.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:46]:
But if you're listening to this podcast and asking this question, my guess is you don't want to live there. And I find I can fall there. I'm not gonna go into all my trauma today, but if you listen to this podcast, you know, girl's been through some stuff. And through those experiences, it's always through understanding that life is happening for me, not to me, that I'm able to pivot and to empower myself. And with that talk of victimhood, I wanna say there are moments in our life when we are victims, but it doesn't mean we are a victim right now. And if you find yourself repeatedly returning to victimhood, maybe there's some trauma you have to process. Because I'll tell you in my life, and I will go into a little bit of my trauma. I can't help myself.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:28]:
But I found throughout my life healing from rape. That in that moment, I was a victim. There is no other definition for it. I was victimized in that moment. I was a victim. I mentioned that because many times when I felt like a victim in my life, it went back to that experience. It went back to a belief I created from that experience. It went back to trauma, and I had to process my trauma in order to empower myself in all areas of my life.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:54]:
Trauma and childhood wounding can impact our life in so many ways. I see it played out every day. Doing the inner work will help you in moments like this to empower yourself rather than to fall into a place of powerlessness. And again, I will say there are times throughout our life when we have been powerless for many of us as trauma survivors. That is real. We have to process that though. Because the only way to empower ourselves is to process that because you deserve to remember that those past experiences do not define you. And maybe you who wrote this question is like, Amanda, I don't have trauma, but I have trouble believing anybody who finds this podcast doesn't have any trauma.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:35]:
But that past relationship does not define you. Where you are right now does not define you. It doesn't have to be. Or this could be your inciting incident. What do I mean by that? I'm a story writer, so I'm always using words from story language. And an inciting incident is that moment that the protagonist has something happen in their life that sends them on a new path. This breakup could be your inciting incident. And now you get to choose where you move from here.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:01]:
You are on your hero's journey. I truly believe that. You are the protagonist. You are the hero of your life. You remembering you are enough. You remembering you are worthy. You taking your power back in a world that would disempower you. And I'm repeating here that you're not a victim because we live in a world that would happily tell you you are a victim.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:20]:
And again, you have to feel the feelings of those times you may have been a victim. But you get to choose here and now. Are you a victim today? Do you wanna be a victim moving forward? Or do you want to be the hero that you deserve to be and that you deserve? So I hope somebody else answered was helpful. I think that you are exactly where you're supposed to be, and I know how hard it is to feel hopeless. I am somebody who struggled with feelings of hopelessness throughout their life, and it's only through continually embracing change and healing that I'm where I am today and by really diving into my inner world and choosing new. And before I wrap up, I do just wanna say if you're really feeling hopeless and you're having trouble getting out of bed, maybe there's a book you could read. I know it sounds like such a silly piece of advice, but I've actually found time and time again that fiction books have helped me in some of my hardest times, more so than TV and the phone and things like that. Books calm my nervous system, system, and they help me to see a new world, to enter a new world, but in a different way than technology will do.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:20]:
It helps me to change and pivot. I mentioned that I believe life is a story. It's by reading stories that I get to see the resilience of the human spirit time and time again, and you are resilient. So I just want to honor where you're at and to reassure you that you've got this. You are exactly where you're supposed to be, and life will turn around. You will never be exactly where you are forever. Time is always changing. Life is always changing.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:43]:
So I hope something in this answer was helpful. Thank you so much for this question. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice, providing this conversation about beginning again. I am so grateful for the conversations we have each week. And if you have any questions, please write into the podcast. You can write in at newviewadvice.com/question, or you can reach out via email at contact@newviewadvice.com. Thanks again for joining me. I hope I was able to offer you New View.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:13]:
Send you all my love. See you next time.
