You're Allowed to Miss Them and Still Choose Yourself
Choosing myself isn’t always the easy answer.
It often feels like the toughest choice to make. I like helping others, and making others happy. Why should I choose myself? Isn’t that being selfish?
But recently, someone told me - ‘how can you help others if you won’t help yourself first?’ The truth stung.
Now when I think about it, I imagine the Ace of Cups card in tarot, and how it is overflowing. I realized I needed to fulfill my needs first, fill my cup first, and let the overflow fill other people’s cups.
But, choosing myself hasn’t been easy. Making the choice to choose myself brought tough emotions. Not many talk about the grief that comes with choosing yourself. I had to make hard decisions, such as walking away from relationships,friendships,connections… whatever it was because they were costing me more than they gave me. I wasn’t at peace and I didn’t feel seen in the way I deserved.
But, despite all of that, I still miss them.
That confused me. If I missed them then maybe I made a mistake, maybe I was dramatic, maybe I should have stayed and tried to make it work.
But I’m learning that missing someone isn’t a reason to go back, it's a step towards letting go.
They meant something to me, but that doesn’t mean they were meant for me. I remember the good moments we created, and sometimes I cling to those memories. Those memories make it difficult to move on and second guess my decision. But, I also remember the moments when I felt unheard and like a burden. I believe people are put in our lives for a purpose. Lessons we can learn from them, from the situations we go through, but knowing when to walk away is the most difficult lesson.
When I decided to choose myself, I realized I should have done so much earlier but I got caught up with the part of me that didn’t want to let go. I know I deserve better than being stuck in a situation that only brings me anxiety. I know I did what was best for me, but that doesn’t dismiss the part of me that misses what was familiar.
I still have days when I want to reach out. Days when I wonder if they miss me too. Days when I replay conversations in my head, wishing they had gone differently.
But now, I pause and ask myself: Would going back cost me my peace again? Would I still be abandoning parts of myself just to feel close to them?
And the answer, however painful, is usually yes. So I sit with the missing and I choose myself anyway. There are a couple of affirmations I tell myself when I sit with those feelings.
I can love them and still honor that the relationship wasn’t healthy for me.
I can feel lonely and still know I deserve better.
I can grieve what was and still make space for what’s coming next.
If you're here, reading this, and you're sitting in that space between missing someone and choosing yourself, I see you. I know how easy it is to question yourself when the ache shows up.
You’re not wrong for walking away. You’re not weak for missing them. You are allowed to keep choosing yourself, even through the sadness.
I’m learning that missing someone doesn’t mean I failed. It just means I felt deeply. I cared.
Now, I’m learning to care for myself in the same way.
That’s healing. That’s strength. Give yourself grace and know you are doing the best for yourself. 🤍
