That Time I Went to Equine Therapy to Help me Heal from Rape (12)
“How do you feel about your teenage self?” Asks my new therapist.
I curl in on myself and feel immense tension within my body. “She’s just so difficult.”
“Why do you feel she is difficult?” The woman patiently waits for me to answer as I stare at the ground.
My body is flooded with feelings of shame. Shame feels heavy and overwhelming, and leaves me looking for an escape route. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. But, isn’t that why I’m here? To finally talk about this?
My teenage self is the part of me that I locked away in a dark dungeon deep within my body for a very long time with no intention of ever letting her out. But, as I began my healing journey, it was like I had accidentally shown her how to find her way back to me. It was never the intention when I began healing. I was ready to welcome home all of me… except her.
At this point in my journey, I had already grappled with so much. Did I really need to do this too? I had learned to process grief after the death of a friend, to let go and forgive traumatic childhood memories, and even find peace after having repressed memories of childhood sexual assault resurface. But this was different. Those I could see were not my fault.
I didn’t feel the same about my teenage self. Instead, I still blamed her for being raped. How could she be so stupid? Why couldn’t she just get over it? She should have known better. I saw her as the problem instead of holding accountable those who harmed me. I’d heard others say, “It’s not your fault,” but what if it was? At this point in my journey, I hadn’t yet realized how deeply other people’s actions and messages had shaped my belief that the rape was somehow my fault. I hadn’t yet learned that my teenage self was never to blame for what others chose to do.
So, when this teenage self of mine came knocking on a door in my mind, I didn’t want to let her in. But two weeks earlier, I had scared myself. I had hit rock bottom. I was triggered while watching a popular TV show that depicted a teenager being raped in a way that mirrored my own experience. I went into a panic attack while the episode played, eventually locking myself in a bathroom, waiting for it to pass, while my mind was flooded with thoughts of suicide.
After that all I could think about was what happened to me when I was a teenager. It was clear I didn’t have a choice anymore. This part of me was not going anywhere. That’s how I found myself talking to a new therapist on a farm. I had chosen equine therapy for two reasons. One, I had heard that working with animals could help me to trust people again. And two, I thought I may be able to skip right over the speaking about the horrible thing that I labeled all my fault, and just ride horses.
But here I was in my first session being asked all the questions I dreaded answering.
“She’s difficult because she’s the worst.” I finally respond.
“Do you really believe you are the worst, Amanda?”
Me? Who said anything about me? Am I the worst? How do I explain that yes, this part of me we are discussing is me, but also, not me. She feels so distant and faraway. She is separate from me. I had worked my ass off redeeming myself for her sins. She was a troublemaker then, and here she was making trouble in my life again.
I look up, the woman is patiently waiting for me to answer. How annoying.
My breathe quickens, my head hurts, I want to run, while simultaneously my feet are glued to the ground. Maybe I could die right here. Just sink into the Earth and never come back.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. I feel like you want me to say no. But she is. Everyone said she is. And she’s just selfish. She thinks the world revolves around her and she’s the worst.” I sound like my teenage self with this answer. I have an attitude. I’m defensive. I’m ready to fight for my right to be the worst.
“Let’s take a walk.” My new therapist stands and I follow her.
At first, we walk the farm in silence. As I stare at the animals, my breath deepens. I’m on edge with this new woman, but she begins telling me about each of the horses and their different backstories. As we go from stable to stable, I can see that she’s dropped it. She’s not going to challenge me. I can relax.
She leads me to a horse who piques my curiosity. He’s the largest horse on the farm. He’s all black and exudes a sense of regality. He stands at the back of the stable and stares at us. My new therapist begins to tell me his story. He was abused by his last owner, and was brought to the farm to heal. When he arrived, he didn’t trust people, but over time he’s grown to like it here and he even has a friend, the female horse in the stable next to him.
As I stare at the horse, he walks closer to me. He takes one step at a time. Almost like he’s sensing if he can trust me as I am doing the same. He comes right up to the gate and puts his head a few inches from my face. We stare into each other’s eyes. Something inside me breaks. I’m not the worst, but I am very, very broken.
I stand there with a horse in my face and uncontrollably sob. When I’m done crying, the horse walks away and sits in the back of his stable. His job is done.
I wish I could say this magical moment with a horse changed my life, and I lived happily ever after and knew that being raped was in no way my fault. It was not that simple. Looking back, I can see it did change my life though. Not in a fairytale way where everything was okay after, but in a real way, where for the first time in my life there was a crack in my defensive armor, and I could finally see that the burden I had carried for the last 15 years was too large and never mine to carry. It was time to find a way to love this part of me because I deserved to be free of all the shame and self-blame.
This story is part of my Reflections series where I share stories from my own healing journey. You can read more reflections here.
more from Amanda:
Grounding is a very helpful practice that can support you throughout your healing journey. Grounding refers to techniques that help us reconnect with the present moment, especially when we feel anxious, overwhelmed, or triggered. It’s also useful when negative flashbacks, unwanted memories, or stressful thoughts arise.
As a survivor of rape, I wrote these gentle affirmations to support your journey healing from sexual assault and rape. Healing takes time, self-love, and deep compassion. May these words remind you: you are worthy of feeling safe, loved, and powerful.
Choosing our core values is a way to align our lives with what matters most to us. When we know our core values, we can make decisions that reflect who we are and who we want to become.
“What am I doing with my life?”
My therapist smiles. “You ask this question every week. It’s too big. A life is a long time. It must feel stressful always worrying about this.”
She’s right. It does feel stressful, and also daunting. But then why can’t I let it go?
After that all I could think about was what happened to me when I was a teenager. It was clear I didn’t have a choice anymore. This part of me was not going anywhere. That’s how I found myself talking to a new therapist on a farm. I had chosen equine therapy for two reasons. One, I had heard that working with animals could help me to trust people again. And two, I thought I may be able to skip right over the speaking about the horrible thing that I labeled all my fault, and just ride horses.
I was eighteen, and I would have sworn I was in love.
But, was love supposed to be inconsistent, painful, and confusing? And could I truly love someone else if I didn’t yet love myself?
I started dating my first boyfriend—let’s call him Calvin—when I was a senior in high school.
“Ma’am your bag will not fit in the overhead bins, you’ll have to check it.” Says an indifferent airline employee as I hand her my ticket to get on my flight from Los Angeles to Toronto.
“Are you sure?” I plead.
“Yes. Please step aside.” My palms are sweaty. My voice stammers. I feel a lump in my throat. My breathe becomes more and more shallow. This bag has to fit on this flight.
Why can’t I just let it go? This is a question I find myself pondering recently. I look back on the last seven years, and can see clearly how I lived in an endless loop of triggers, flashbacks, and challenging emotions that I had no idea how to process. I had to find a way to make sense of things that most people won’t even talk about. It was a day-by-day struggle to get to where I am. Now that I feel so much better, I look back and struggle to find the words to describe this healing journey I’ve been on.
Therapy is very helpful for many people on their healing journeys, but finding a great therapist can feel overwhelming. Not all therapists are created equal and they often specialize in different types of trauma/problems and healing modalities.
These are 25 self love affirmations. You can pick one to work with, you can work with them all, or if none of these resonate, begin to think about what you do want to affirm about yourself and write your own!
Check out more from the blog:
These are 50 affirmations to assist you on the healing journey. You can pick one to work with, you can work with them all, or if none of these resonate, begin to think about what you do want to affirm about yourself and write your own!
Everyone wants to feel validated. It’s human nature to want to feel accepted by others. We all want to know that how we think, feel, and act is justified. We don’t want to feel crazy or alone. In the age of AI, instant validation is quite literally in the palm of our hand.
You're not failing at your healing journey. You're drowning in information overload. It’s no secret that healing is trending. With an abundance of resources combined with the accessibility of social media, there’s never been a better opportunity for personal growth. But healing isn’t a “gotta catch ‘em all” process.
Grounding is a very helpful practice that can support you throughout your healing journey. Grounding refers to techniques that help us reconnect with the present moment, especially when we feel anxious, overwhelmed, or triggered. It’s also useful when negative flashbacks, unwanted memories, or stressful thoughts arise.
The roller coaster of relationships in your 20s is quite the ride. As someone deep in my healing journey for almost five years, it’s been interesting to reflect on. From partners to family to friends, so much changes - including yourself.
Long-term grief - It’s been over 10 years since my dad died, and the grief is still present. This is how I would describe my grieving process after 12 years without him. Sometimes I think I understand the cycles of grief.
Attachment issues have been a popular interest in the healing space over the past several years. While it’s great that we’re now aware of the topic and its effect on our behavior, we seem to be reaching a counterintuitive level of awareness. They’ve almost become a part of our identity. Instead of using them to understand each other, we’re using them to remain misunderstood.
As a survivor of rape, I wrote these gentle affirmations to support your journey healing from sexual assault and rape. Healing takes time, self-love, and deep compassion. May these words remind you: you are worthy of feeling safe, loved, and powerful.
I have a big heart. I get my feelings hurt a lot. I care deeply. And that’s okay. I love my big heart and the way I love and care for others. But mixed in with that love is some clutter - things I sometimes disguise as sensitivity or kindness. People-pleasing. Approval-seeking. That kind of clutter.
Choosing our core values is a way to align our lives with what matters most to us. When we know our core values, we can make decisions that reflect who we are and who we want to become.
Worry is inevitable. Our minds latch onto problems the moment they arise, and before we can acknowledge it, we are spiraling into stress, anxiety, and overwhelm. A worry chart is a simple, quick & effective way to rewire the brain to respond differently to life’s challenges.
There was a point along my healing journey where I realized self-love was a very important missing piece. In a society that teaches us to be hard on ourselves, I came to understand that it was my responsibility to unlearn and re-teach myself. Our mothers and fathers were taught these beliefs, which were passed down - consciously or not.
“What am I doing with my life?”
My therapist smiles. “You ask this question every week. It’s too big. A life is a long time. It must feel stressful always worrying about this.”
She’s right. It does feel stressful, and also daunting. But then why can’t I let it go?
Let’s be honest, journaling can become a tedious task on the healing journey. Sometimes instead of helping, it becomes one more thing on the to-do list. This can feel stressful or overwhelming, which is the opposite of what we are trying to achieve.
I remember a time not too long ago where every single day I lived with deep anxiety, fear, regret and uncertainty. I often asked myself if I would feel this way forever. I asked people for their perspective, wondering if it was possible to go a full day without ruminating on thoughts or memories that pulled me down.
Choosing myself isn’t always the easy answer. It often feels like the toughest choice to make. I like helping others, and making others happy. Why should I choose myself? Isn’t that being selfish? But recently, someone told me - ‘how can you help others if you won’t help yourself first?’ The truth stung.
Let hard things soften you. Sometimes I think life tries to send us messages. Sometimes they come as gentle nudges, other times they hit like a freight train. If we ignore the subtle hints, they tend to come back louder and impossible to miss. Over the last year or so, one message has kept resurfacing for me: release control. It’s shown up in different ways, over and over again.
Currently, I am outgrowing who I thought I was. And let me tell you, it’s uncomfortable. What does it mean when you outgrow who you thought you were? When you outgrow who you thought you were, it means you’re growing and evolving from a version of yourself that no longer aligns with who you are becoming. It feels like people, goals, and daily routines no longer bring you the satisfaction or joy they once did.
Sometimes I have to remind myself: other people don’t determine my value - I do.
With the nature of my work, I spend a lot of time around people. Big groups, small groups, social settings of all kinds. And sometimes, I catch myself wondering if I fit in. If I’m good enough. If people even notice I'm there.
The other day on TikTok, I saw a video of a girl sitting in her car talking herself through the anxiety she felt about having to go to an event. I thought back to situations where I felt the same way and saw how I also tend to talk myself through these situations. I realized small actions can help us move through situations that trigger anxiety.
After that all I could think about was what happened to me when I was a teenager. It was clear I didn’t have a choice anymore. This part of me was not going anywhere. That’s how I found myself talking to a new therapist on a farm. I had chosen equine therapy for two reasons. One, I had heard that working with animals could help me to trust people again. And two, I thought I may be able to skip right over the speaking about the horrible thing that I labeled all my fault, and just ride horses.
Recently, I have found myself on the verge of burnout. Balancing work and personal responsibilities has felt overwhelming at times, as though I am neglecting myself in order to keep up with everyday tasks. Sometimes it feels like life has become less about living and more about keeping up with the piling responsibilities. Here are 7 Simple Ways to Manage Stress -
I was eighteen, and I would have sworn I was in love.
But, was love supposed to be inconsistent, painful, and confusing? And could I truly love someone else if I didn’t yet love myself?
I started dating my first boyfriend—let’s call him Calvin—when I was a senior in high school.
Welcome to this gentle guided meditation designed to help you release what no longer serves you and step into the energy of new beginnings. In this session, I’ll walk you through a calming process of letting go—whether it’s a thought, emotion, habit, or chapter of life—and then guide you in planting the seeds for a fresh start. Together, we’ll create space in your mind and heart for clarity, growth, and transformation.
There’s a cliché that says, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Lately, I’ve come to understand this in a new way.
Filling your cup is an art, and it looks different for everyone. For me, it’s a mix of alone time, quality moments with loved ones, play, fun, rest, movement and nourishing meals. It also means living more consciously - recognizing when I’m giving someone a heavy pour with no end in sight.
“Ma’am your bag will not fit in the overhead bins, you’ll have to check it.” Says an indifferent airline employee as I hand her my ticket to get on my flight from Los Angeles to Toronto.
“Are you sure?” I plead.
“Yes. Please step aside.” My palms are sweaty. My voice stammers. I feel a lump in my throat. My breathe becomes more and more shallow. This bag has to fit on this flight.
I’m at a point in my healing journey where I’m much more aware of things... painfully aware of things, sometimes. It’s a good thing to be aware - it shows me what needs to change - but it can also be deeply uncomfortable.
I notice when someone isn’t a good communicator. I see who struggles to hold themselves accountable. I can read between the lines of people’s words, actions, or lack thereof.
Welcome to this guided meditation for Energy Cleansing.
Whether you’re feeling weighed down by stress, negative energy, feeling disconnected, or simply seeking an energetic refresh, this guided meditation is here to support you. Through gentle guidance and intentional breathing, this practice is designed to help you release what no longer serves you and reconnect with a sense of clarity, peace, and inner balance.
Sometimes I think about what I could say if I had my past self in front of me. As I've grown, let go, healed, experienced new things: I think of how much of what I know now that I would love to teach her.
Welcome to this affirmation meditation for the healing journey.
Whether you're just beginning your healing journey or continuing your path toward emotional wellness, this short guided meditation is here to support you. Filled with healing affirmations, this practice is designed to help you affirm how you want to feel and cultivate self-love and inner peace.