134: Triggered by Your Partner’s Parents? Finding Safety, Healing, and Self-Compassion
In this episode, I dive deep into the emotions and challenges that arise when you don’t get along with your partner’s parents—especially when toxic and hurtful behavior is in play. I answer a listener question about a difficult first meeting with a partner’s mother. I share insights on how to process the pain, anger, and fear that surface in these situations. I focus on strategies for regaining your sense of safety, honoring your feelings, and navigating triggers rooted in past family dynamics. This episode is focused on healing and restoring inner-balance. I also talk about the importance of self-compassion and inner child work, while offering guidance for anyone dealing with unsupportive or judgmental in-laws or partner’s parents.
81: Help! My Boyfriend’s Parents Don’t Approve Because I’m From a Different Culture: Navigating
Poem
Timestamps ⏱️
Intro: :05
Listener Question: 1:46
Poem: 29:03
Outro: 30:13
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice with Amanda Durocher. Hey, beautiful soul. Welcome to New View Advice. My name is Amanda Durocher and if you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers you seek. I believe you have all the answers. You just may need a new View or a little help along the way. Thank you so much for joining me for today's episode.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:21]:
Today we are talking about how to navigate when we do not get along with our partners, parents or our in laws. So today I'm answering a listener question from somebody who met their partner's mother for the first time and it did not go well. And honestly, from what I read in the question, the mother of this person's partner was quite rude and toxic. So what do we do when our partner's parents are toxic and do not like us? How do we navigate that? And today we're going to be really focused on the inner journey of how to navigate that. Because in today's question, the listener's really wondering, how did they move past the ruminating of this situation? How do they move past the uncomfortability they feel in their body? Because meeting their partner's mother very much triggered them and has created a lot of hard feelings. So today we're gonna talk about how do we move forward from here. My intention for this episode is to help to open the perspective on this topic and also to validate your feelings, because our feelings are really the roadmap to our healing and they're so often showing us our own inner truth. So before I jump into today's question, I always like to mention that if you haven't already, I invite you check out newviewadvice.com on newviewadvice.com I have blog posts, journal prompts, and more resources for the healing journey.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:29]:
I also have poems and more podcast episodes. So if you're looking for more guidance on the healing journey, I invite you to check that out after today's episode. And now let's jump on into talking about how to navigate these relationships with our partner's parents. Dear New View Advice, I met my partner's mom for the first time and it went pretty badly. She was extremely cold and interrogative during our meeting. Afterwards, my partner told me that she made very nasty comments about my parents and race. She also expressed her fear that he will abandon her if we get married. My partner did stand up to her and told her that this behavior is not okay.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:07]:
And he is currently going to therapy for the first time in his life to try to learn how to set boundaries with her. She's also had problems with his ex and has made similar narrow minded comments, so I know it's not personal. It seems to me that she feels insecure about her relationship with her son and feels like she can improve it by trying to get rid of any woman he dates. Unfortunately, she's pretty much engaging in a self fulfilling prophecy that makes him withdraw from her even more. I'm pretty clear about my deal breakers. I don't mind having a potential mother in law that I'm not besties with, but I won't tolerate someone shit talking me all the time to the family. I feel like if he can't eventually learn to set firm boundaries with her and enforce them, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. We've communicated about this and he understands I listened to Your episode number 81 on a similar topic which has helped me a lot, but I've been finding it difficult not to ruminate on his mom and to continue to feel angry and hurt by her mean comments.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:57]:
It also makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking about how I'd have to be in proximity to this woman if I do end up marrying my partner. I love him so much, but I already have verbally abusive relatives in my own family and I feel scared to spend the rest of my life with someone who also has a potentially toxic family. I feel like I'm either overthinking to the point that it's negatively affecting my mood or flat out avoidance coping. How do I find a healthy balance and move on? Thank you so much for this question. I am so sorry you are navigating this situation and right up front I just want to mention that you mentioned episode number 81, so for anybody else navigating this situation, you can check out episode 81 as well, which is called Help. My boyfriend's parents don't approve because I'm from a different culture navigating family relationships, disagreements and the decision to wait or move on. So I just want to drop that in case anybody's interested or finds that helpful. But now let's jump on into your question.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:48]:
So first I just want to say I'm so sorry that you're navigating this situation. This is an incredibly difficult situation. I think unfortunately it's way too common, but it doesn't make it any easier. No one deserves to be judged based off their appearance or their race, especially by your Partner's mother. Of course you wanted this woman to like you. She doesn't sound like a very likable person, I'm going to be honest. But of course you wanted her to like you. Of course you wanted her to accept you.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:14]:
Of course. Honestly, I think it's really sad and heartbreaking that she couldn't be more kind and welcoming again. I think this is incredibly common. I was trying to think in my own life if I knew anybody who got along really, really well with their mother in law and I can't think of an example. So honestly, I think it's unfortunately very common, especially when it comes to boys and sons. I think mothers tend to be very protective of their boys and, and I think there's various reasons for that. But I think that it's unfortunate that women tend to get the brunt of this, especially from other mothers. It's another one of those things where I'm like, dang, women are so hard on other women.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:49]:
It's been a lesson I've learned throughout my life, but something I've become really, really conscious of over the last year. And I just want to say I'm really sorry because I think that it shouldn't be the case. And I think it's so unfortunate that so often people are just very immature. And this woman sounds incredibly immature. And I'm so sorry for that because as you mentioned, she sounds insecure, she sounds petty, she sounds mean, she sounds like a mean woman, she sounds like a mean girl. And I remember in high school my mother would always tell me that, don't worry, just graduate high school and it'll get better between women. And I remember graduating high school and going to college and calling my mother and being like, mom, women are still really mean. And my mom was like, oh yeah, of course they are.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:27]:
And I was like, what are you talking about? And she was like, of course they're still meant to. And I was like, you told me that that would end after high school. And she was like, oh, I was just trying to get you through high school. That was a lie. And since that point, I have been humbled time and time again with how women behave towards other women. And I just want to call that out here because I'm really sorry again that you're dealing with that. And of course you wanted to be accepted by the person you love's family. You're beginning to create a new family, right? If you do marry this person, you'll be creating a new family.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:57]:
So of course you want them to accept you and as we're going to talk about throughout this episode, I think what's really poignant here is that you have your own toxic family, which I think might be a reason that this is so triggering for you. But we're going to talk about that a bit more. So with your question, I just want to honor you and your experience. You obviously have a lot of self awareness and so I'm very glad to hear that, you know, it's not personal because it's not personal. This has everything to do with her and nothing to do with you. So I just want to repeat that for anybody else out there who might be struggling with this is if you're here right now and your in laws don't like you, it. It does not do with you. It does with them.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:32]:
If they're being mean and petty, that is not about you. So now I want to move into that. Despite all the drama that you're experiencing, it sounds like you're with a really great guy. The fact that he set boundaries with his mother, that he did speak up for you, and that he's going to therapy to learn how to set boundaries and to enforce them with his mother and to navigate this situation differently speaks volumes. So I want to call that out here because not every guy would do that. And you have found yourself, what sounds to me like a pretty terrific guy, that he sees the problem and he's willing to work on it. That is most of the battle, seeing it and choosing to do the work around it. It will take time, this situation you're navigating.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:14]:
But I do want to honor that you have found yourself a man who I think those actions speak to. He loves you. And that's such a beautiful thing you found because with that, what I wanted to mention was I know you're afraid of joining a toxic family. I can feel that throughout your question. But if you leave him, there's no guarantee the next person you meet won't also have a toxic family. I think at the end of the day, there's different degrees of toxicity within families, but no family is perfect. And I also know people in my own life who have fallen more in love with people's families and aren't really in love with the person they're with. They just love their family and.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:52]:
And then it doesn't work out in the end because who do they spend every day with? They spend every day with their partner. So unfortunately, when it comes to families, it's complicated. So in a perfect world, in an ideal world, you would love your partner, he would love you, his family would love you, and your family would love him. I wish this was the case to this day. I've read so many self help books, so many inner child books, so many books about parenting, so many books about childhood trauma. I logically understand why family structures work the way they do and why so many families are toxic and why people are meanest oftentimes and cruelest to those closest to us. I understand that. But when I allow myself to, like, step back from like, the logical part of it, my heart's like, nah, that doesn't make sense.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:39]:
It shouldn't be that way. So though there are a million reasons why it is that way, I don't believe it should be that way. I believe we should be most loving towards our family and those closest to us. But unfortunately, especially if you're listening to this podcast, it's not always the case. So for you, I just wanted to mention all that about family. I know you have a lot of awareness, but in case it helps anybody else here, that unfortunately, families are really complicated. Unfortunately, we can't control our family or our partner's families. And at the end of the day, the most important thing is your relationship with your partner.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:13]:
And as long as he is willing to navigate the situation together and to have your back, I think that's a great first step. And it sounds like you guys are taking that great first step because at the end of the day, you and your partner are a team. So as long as you can act as a team and learn together and grow together, that's really great in my book. So with that, I want to focus the rest of the episode on how you mentioned you're ruminating and feeling like this interaction negatively impacted you. Because at the end of the day, your partner's going to therapy, he's taking steps towards it, you don't have to see this woman. It sounds like you're comfortable setting boundaries. All that's great. But you are still thinking about this.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:52]:
You're still thinking about this woman. You still feel a pit in your stomach, you still feel scared. And so I want to help you navigate that because that's what so often happens in toxic relationships or when we get triggered, because that's one of the most interesting things about family, for lack of a better word. It's true what they say. There's a saying out there that's like, if you think you're healed, go spend time with your family and I'm going to add to that. Or go spend time with your in Laws. Because so often these are the people who continue to trigger us and show us where we still need to heal, where we still need to love ourselves and remember our own worth, and where we are tested the most. Because the people we can't just turn away from, right? Stranger at the store, if they say something weird to you, you can just be like, ew, nevermind, go away.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:36]:
It's family. It's the people closest to us that continue to challenge us or show us where we still maybe are holding onto some pain from the past. And I think that's what's happening with you here. So my first piece of advice for you is one, you are clearly triggered. To me, what I'm hearing from your question is that when you are in those ruminating thoughts, you're in a protective mode and you're in that fight response when it comes to fight or fl. And when you go straight into avoidance coping strategies, you're in that flight response. Both of those though are a stress response, right? You're in fight or flight. And that to me is an indication that you don't feel safe right now.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:17]:
So to me, the number one thing you need to do now is to reestablish your sense of safety and to come back to an equilibrium where you feel safe and grounded. My guess is this situation left you ungrounded. It left you on rocky footing. You're not completely grounded. You're in a defensive mode. You feel like you need to defend yourself is what I'm hearing. You're in protective mode and I want to honor that because it's likely that when you were younger, there was nobody to defend you or protect you, so you developed this strong protective tendency. There is nothing wrong with that.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:52]:
It's a beautiful thing that you have the ability to protect yourself. I could hear it throughout your question. I read your question was like, this person knows who they are. This person knows their boundaries. You said you know your deal breakers. You have had to hone that. My guess is because of things you have been through. So there's nothing wrong.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:11]:
It's actually great to have that protective instinct. It's a really good thing to have. I think it's important, but we don't want to live there. Fight or Flight exists to protect us, but we're not supposed to live there forever. And it sounds like you are having trouble getting out of that fight or flight. And so with that, it's important for you again to find that sense of safety within. I relate to this. I've currently been navigating Some negative feedback online.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:36]:
I have reentered the world of TikTok and YouTube shorts. And people aren't nice. People are cruel. Honestly, I'm not used to being judged on my physical appearance. I didn't know I was ugly until entering the Internet. Joking. I don't think I'm ugly. I'm just making a joke.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:52]:
But I've definitely felt triggered. And I do find myself, like you, in a protective place. I'm constantly on alert and I relate to being in this protective place, being in this place of what I view as high stress. And it's important to, like I said, find that inner sense of safety. Because what I realized too is that so many things that people comment online, they would never say to your face. So you're navigating something that they would never say to your face. So you're navigating cruelty. And it's the same as what you're going through that when somebody's just plainly mean or freaking rude to us, that creates a sense of unsafety because we know we're not being accepted.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:27]:
We don't feel like we belong, and that rocks our inner world. And so, again, for you, before you do any of the next steps, I'm going to suggest, I want you to really honor how hard it is to meet somebody, specifically your partner's mother, who's mean to you and who criticized you based on your looks and your race. You deserve to have your feelings about that and to offer yourself kindness and grace as you come back to safety. Because I don't believe that saying, like, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. I think that's it. I don't believe that. I believe words hurt and they wound. And like I mentioned with the online criticism, sometimes it feels like I'm getting stabbed.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:10]:
When I get a negative criticism, it, like, hits my energetic field like, ow. Ooh. It's true, it's real. And when you are being criticized by somebody you just met for things you shouldn't be judged on, such as your appearance and your race, that is incredibly difficult to go through and navigate. So again, the protective instinct that that is normal and is healthy. But now it's time to remind yourself that you are safe and so you have to take care of you. And how are you going to do this? You're going to lean into self care. When I read your question, I was wondering if maybe if you were in therapy or if just your partner's in therapy, if you're not in therapy, I invite you to find A therapist that could maybe help you navigate this and could be a place where you feel safe to talk about your experience.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:54]:
I also invite you to just lean into things that feel easy. You mentioned doing avoidance coping. There's nothing wrong with that. It's when you're doing it, just soothe yourself while you're doing it. Be like, this is what I need right now. Bring that intention to it. Right. I went through a tough couple months recently where I was kind of grieving some expectations that weren't met.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:14]:
And I watched all of that show once upon a time. I don't know if anybody's seen it. It's like seven seasons. I don't usually watch tv. I was definitely avoidance coping, but it was so helpful for me. And when I sat down, I watched like three hours of TV in the middle of the day. I just kept telling myself, this is what you need. It's okay.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:32]:
You won't be here forever. You won't be here forever, Amanda. It's okay. And I'm not there anymore when I finished the show, so I couldn't be there. But two, life has moved on. So remind yourself when you catch yourself in these behaviors that maybe you're judging that it's okay and that maybe you just need a little extra love and care today. And if you feel like you're leaning into things that don't feel healthy, then I invite you to maybe take some time outside. It's summer.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:56]:
If you don't live in Arizona like me, summer is an enjoyable season, so you could spend some time outside. I invite you to lean into creativity. Any form of creativity I find to be really healing, because I find that when we create, it helps to soften our nervous system. So for me, I've been leaning into watercolors recently, and I made myself a friendship bracelet the other day. But honestly, by doing that, by just engaging with thread and with paints, it helps me to soothe and calm. So it doesn't have to be like writing a book, which it could be. But I invite you to just embrace something that feels easy for you. And I find with those creative things, it also helps us connect to our inner child, which we're also going to talk about in a moment.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:35]:
But find things that feel good to you. This could be taking a bath at night. This could be reading a book. But just take care of yourself, okay? There's nothing wrong with where you are and what you're experiencing. So when you feel like you are back at more of an even footing and your mind starts to clear, because that's how you'll know you're coming out of that stress response is when your mind begins to feel like your own again. You said you're in this ruminating pattern. Sometimes that feels like our mind is out of control. It's not ours, we can't make it stop.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:04]:
Which is why the reset and the equilibrium is important for you to find things that help you to relax. That could also be yoga and exercise. I'm going to trust that when I mention self care that most people listening have some tools in their tool belt they can lean into if I haven't mentioned them already. And so the next step I think could be helpful for you is to dive a bit deeper with this self awareness. You clearly have self awareness around your partner and his mother. But I think that for you with this question, especially because you mentioned that sick in your stomach feeling and feeling scared, I think that the triggers might go a bit deeper than this situation right here because I think it's really interesting that you mentioned having an emotionally abusive relatives. So my guess is that the ruminating is because an older pattern that hasn't been completely resolved or looked at or felt is being triggered right now. And so I wrote down some questions that I thought you could reflect on to see if they bring you clarity on maybe what is truly being triggered here.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:10]:
Because I really do think that the situation you're living through now likely ties to the emotionally abusive relatives you already mentioned, especially because you're talking about marriage. And my guess is the roots here are around family, the sense of family and what family should look like instead of what your family does look like, if that makes sense. So some questions I had that I thought you could reflect on are one, do your feelings right now feel similar to when you are around the emotionally abusive family members you mentioned? The second question I have is, what's your relationship like with your mom and your dad? As much as we try to ignore these relationships or move on so often, these two core figures tie into so many wounds throughout our life, including it could be feeling unaccepted, an abandonment wound, that feeling of not feeling enough or unworthy that. But I invite you to reflect on if the feelings you have now are connected to maybe how you feel around one of those core figures, your mom or your dad. The next question I have for you or for anybody else listening would be to connect to that sick feeling you have in your stomach or for somebody else would be where do you feel in your body? The relationship with your partner's parent who's ever Triggering you. Where do you feel that in your body? And then when you find that feeling in your body, journal about it, meditate with it, sit in nature, but identify what that feeling is for you with this question. It sounds like it could be fear or anxiety because you mentioned feeling scared, but it could also be disgust or it could be insecurity. But identify what feeling is arising when you think of this relationship and where it is in your body and sit with it, ask it, what does it want you to know? And you can do this through journaling and meditation.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:48]:
And by slowing down, you'll be able to be with that feeling and then hopefully connect back to the truth of what what is going on within your body and what it's communicating to you. My next question was you said that you feel scared to spend the rest of your life with somebody toxic. And so my question here is, what part of you is afraid? Because like you said, she's obviously insecure and small minded. And at the end of the day, as long as your partner creates those boundaries and shows up for you and acts like a team and creates safety for you, her opinion doesn't matter. But your body is telling you otherwise. And so I think that this is likely a younger version of you arising. I think that this is an inner child who is speaking to you through that fear. This inner child wants you to spend some time with it.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:34]:
And they are arising through this feeling of fear because they want attention. That is my guess that this inner child is coming forward and saying, danger, danger, danger. And it will feel dangerous and scary until you acknowledge why you feel so scared. And the last question I had was that you mentioned feeling angry. And God, do I love anger. I know that sounds odd, but I think anger is one of the hardest emotions to ignore. And for me in my life, anger so often communicates when boundaries are crossed and when I need to embody more worthiness and I need to notice my own worth and my own enoughness. And when I need to love myself deeper and it's letting me know clearly that wasn't okay.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:15]:
And so often when we feel anxious or we feel sad or we feel offended, like we can kind of bury those feelings and kind of look the other way or for me, in my life, a lot of times I act confused, like, oh, should I really feel that way? Anger doesn't allow me to lean into confusion. Anger doesn't allow me to bury it. Anger arises and it's like, be with me, I got something to tell you. So I want to mention that here because if you're struggling with where to start, I think the anger is a great place to start. Anger, in my opinion, likes to be processed. It likes to be moved. And. And so some examples I have for processing that anger would be to get outside, move your body, and, like, focus on that anger.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:51]:
Bring that anger into a yoga practice or on a run, or, you know, embrace nature. I like to push on a tree or throw rocks in a lake, but find ways to move that anger. I also write about my anger. I also lean into that creativity again when I feel angry. But finding what works best for you, everybody's gonna find ways to process their anger. And each time it might be different, but for me, physically moving my body so often that helps me to be with the anger. And if you, for example, focus on pushing a tree and you feel that anger, the anger is going to move from your body into the tree. And I know it's a hippie thing to say, but I invite you to ask the tree if it will help you process the anger.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:31]:
Not every tree wants to. Anyway, moving on. But finding ways to be with your anger and to process that may be a good place for you to start with these ruminating thoughts, especially if they're angry thoughts. And so that leads me into my next piece of advice, which is to allow all your feelings. I believe that the feelings that are arising right now are your roadmap to the truth of how you feel, where this originated, the root, and what you will need to do moving forward in your relationship. And so, as you mentioned, with the avoidance coping, it's so easy to run away from our feelings, especially when they're difficult, especially when we don't want to be with hard feelings. But I promise you, hard feelings don't last forever, and they actually last longer when we avoid them and we ignore them and we try to stuff them down. If we allow them up and allow them to move, they will not last forever.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:15]:
I do promise you that it won't last forever. I am 33 years old, and I talk about feelings all the time, and I can still get caught in the thoughts of, oh, my God, is this feeling gonna last forever? And I can promise you, with all my experience of feeling so many feelings and probably crying on the daily, your feelings will not last forever. And so with this feeling, your feelings, I really believe your inner child is who's triggered here and is who has what I view as the keys to. To your healing and the keys to what you need and the keys to the truth of what's going on. Within you right now. And so I don't know if you've done inner child work. If you haven't before, a professional can really help with that. Finding a therapist who does inner child work.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:56]:
But I also have which I'll link in the show notes@newviewadvice.com 134 I have an exercise to dialogue with your inner child. Or you can just begin journaling, but finding ways to connect to your inner child. Like I mentioned, inner child work can be done through creativity or meditation. You meditate and then you sit with your inner child. You see what age comes forward. But my guess is that your toxic family from your past, these emotionally abusive family members have hurt you. And you sound like somebody who's able to defend yourself, who's able to protect yourself, who's able to say that's not okay with me. Those are great qualities.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:34]:
But you shouldn't have to do that all the time. And when we find ourselves having to do that, it's great to know we can do that. But we also need to have all our feelings about. But it shouldn't have to be this way. I shouldn't have to defend myself. I should be accepted. I should feel like I belong. And having our feelings about that because we're not gonna be accepted by everybody and we're not gonna belong everywhere.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:55]:
But it doesn't mean when we hoped we would be or we had an expectation of being that we won't have to grieve, that the situation isn't going to be how we hoped it would be. Because again, in an ideal world, you and this woman would get along beautifully. You both love the same man. That should bring you together, not pull you apart. But the truth is that I think more often than not that woman competition comes up between a mom and a daughter in law. I don't know what it is for everybody. I don't know if it's competition. I don't know if it's jealousy, insecurity, a sense of losing control for the mother.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:28]:
I don't know what it is for everybody, but it's a sad reality because the truth is our hearts are big. We have the ability to love more than one person. And as you know, your partner deserves to be with you and to be loved and supported by his mother. And he's navigating right now that he's not. It sounds like you both are navigating some childhood wounds at the same time. So I invite you to be supportive with yourself, but also with your partner and understanding that what he's going through is difficult too. Right? He deserves to have a mother who supports him in a loving relationship. He clearly loves you.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:59]:
The fact that his mother can't just be happy for him breaks my heart as well. And so you don't deserve for this woman to be cruel to you. And he doesn't deserve for his mother not to support him. And so that just leads me to my last piece of advice, which is always self compassion. So be kind to yourself as you navigate this. Family dynamics take a lot of energy, especially when we become intentional about them. And so as you are healing and doing this inner work and looking at things from your own past and being with things in the present, be kind to yourself. Offer yourself grace.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:30]:
There's a reason people don't do the inner work. It's because it's unseen work that changes our lives and really, I believe, liberates us from fears. Right. You mentioned that feeling of fear. I don't want you to live with that forever. I want you to feel that sense of safety no matter what the world throws at you. But that takes time to develop, doesn't happen overnight. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:50]:
There's stages and you're in the stage where you know you can protect yourself. But there's also a stage where you just know you are protected and you are safe and that you do have your own back and you don't have to work so hard, if that makes sense. So I invite you to be kind with yourself and with your partner. I invite you not to rush this decision about staying or leaving. I know how easy it can be to run when somebody is cruel to us and who is mean to us. Again, no one on this earth should judge you for your appearance or your race. That should not be the world we live in. And I am so sorry that you are navigating one where there is somebody in your close proximity who is judging you on those things.
Amanda Durocher [00:27:25]:
That is unfair and that is truly heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking. This question to me is heartbreaking. How I want to wrap this up is as you create that sense of safety for yourself. As you dive a little deeper into these childhood wounds, as you feel your feelings and as you're kind to yourself. Remember that what you're navigating is a form of heartbreak. It is heartbreaking when somebody can't accept us, especially when somebody can't accept us for such small minded things such as appearance and race. Somebody who's so small minded, as you know, you can't change her and because you can't change her, that's when the inner work is so important because it's gonna be about you, being with you and seeing what answers arise as you're with yourself and your inner child.
Amanda Durocher [00:28:05]:
She's not going to change. This is who she is. Your partner can set boundaries with her, but it's very likely she's not going to change. And that's okay. We can wish those people the best and move on. And so she is small minded. And that's reminding me of a poem I wrote. I'm actually going to read that poem after this episode, before the closing, in case anybody's interested.
Amanda Durocher [00:28:23]:
But you deserve to feel safe. You deserve to feel loved. I want to honor that. It sounds like you're with a very loving man and I'm very happy for you. I'm very happy that you're with somebody who's willing to do inner work with you, who's willing to set some boundaries and look at his relationship with his mother. That's huge. I just want to honor that one more time because I really hope that you two can find a way to navigate this situation together. Because it sounds like you really have found somebody who loves you.
Amanda Durocher [00:28:47]:
And I think that's so beautiful when we find somebody in this world who can love us. So thank you so much for this question. I'm going to read a poem and then I will just do my quick usual outro. You know, I wrote this poem last week when I was dealing with somebody who was small minded and they really, really made me angry. So one of the ways I process my anger is through poetry. And so I didn't even think of this poem until answering this question. But I wanted to share it here because, hey, why not? A poem is always a good time. Okay.
Amanda Durocher [00:29:20]:
I call it, you're small minded. I hate that you're small minded and refuse to see the truth. That not everything around you is happening to you. Some of these things are caused by your actions, your bad attitude and arrogant reactions. But I'll be honest with you. I feel bad that you're stuck in a cycle of ruminating on hatred and bad luck. I wish you understood that the power is in you to open your mind and choose a new view. But instead you blame and choose to hate me instead of facing the truth that you could be free of the anger and shame, the bitterness inside if you took a moment and opened your mind.
Amanda Durocher [00:29:52]:
I'm sorry you're hurting. I've been small minded too, but my life got better with a bigger point of view, but you're just too stuck in your old fashioned ways. So it's time I say goodbye and fully walk away. It's easy for me to do because I clearly see that this problem you have has nothing to do with me. Thank you so much for joining me for this episode of New View Advice and for listening to my surprise poem there at the end. I am so grateful to have these conversations and to continue to heal together as a community. So thank you so much for joining me for this episode. If you haven't already, I invite you to rate and review the podcast.
Amanda Durocher [00:30:29]:
You can leave a comment on the episode on Spotify if you enjoyed it. Maybe just leave a heart or a thumbs up so I know that you enjoyed this episode. And if you're looking for more episodes like this, feel free to write in a question. But thank you again for joining me for another episode of New View Advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you next time.
