What Am I Doing With My LIfe?
“What am I doing with my life?”
My therapist smiles. “You ask this question every week. It’s too big. A life is a long time. It must feel stressful always worrying about this.”
She’s right. It does feel stressful, and also daunting. But then why can’t I let it go?
I remember first wondering this question when I was in high school and beginning to plan for college. When choosing a college, I had to answer the inevitable question – what should I major in? This question led to – what do I want to do with my life? This was the first time I felt the paralyzing pressure of figuring out my future.
As my friends and classmates had answers to these questions like doctor, lawyer, physical therapist, teacher – I became more and more overwhelmed. I was only seventeen - how on Earth was I supposed to make such a big decision when I had barely yet lived?
Growing up in a place where people were defined by what they did for a living, how they dressed, and how much money they had – not by who they were as a person – impacted this immense pressure I felt. Though these were always subtle conversations, I learned at a very young age that the answer to what I chose to do with my life mattered to other people. They would be silently watching and judging.
I didn’t know my major yet, but I told my parents I wanted to move to Los Angeles. It felt like a seed had been planted, and if I followed it, I’d get to see what it grew into. But my parents shut this dream down quickly. It didn’t make logical sense. No, instead I would go to a “good” school in Boston.
I didn’t have a major for most of college, but ended up choosing Communications because it felt logical. I was validated by others for making the “right” choice, but I could sense that no one actually cared about my happiness. As I took classes that bored me, my mind wandered and I found myself living in daydreams. In my vivid imagination, I was an actress. I dreamed of playing interesting characters with deep emotional stories.
Two years later, I graduated with honors. But as my friends started work or ventured to grad school, I became paralyzed again. I still didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life.
I turned down many jobs because I was searching for the “perfect” fit. I continued to dream of being an actress, but that was crazy. Unreasonable. Illogical. Eventually I realized, I just needed to start somewhere. I got a job in marketing and settled into a life where I was more excited by coworker happy hours than the job itself.
But then at 23 years old my life got turned upside down. One of my closest friends died. Suddenly, I was snapped out of the trance of numbness. Life was short. The pressure was back – I began to ask myself what am I doing with my life?
I began therapy and admitted to myself that I wanted to be happy, but also, I wanted to be a good person. Somewhere along the way I had forgotten that. It didn’t feel as important as figuring out a career.
I also realized that I didn’t want to just live in daydreams – I wanted feel alive in my real life. My friend’s death made me ever aware that I had been living on auto-pilot. It was like I was frozen, and as I began to unthaw I realized the life I was living didn’t feel like it was mine.
This is when I began questioning the stories I had learned as a child. I had always believed all the adults around me had it all figured out. But, maybe they didn’t. I began to question if I had the courage to live differently than everyone I knew at the time.
I signed up for acting classes. I didn’t know where this would take me, but I could no longer daydream about a life I wasn’t living. I needed more. As I began to create again, a spark lit inside me - hope had been ignited.
During this time, I attended Super Bowl LI. My friend who died was a big New England Patriots fan, so my boyfriend and I decided to go to the game in honor of him. The game cost as much as my rent, and it didn’t make sense to go – I just knew I needed to be there. It was again like a seed had been planted. This was the first time in my adulthood that I chose something illogical.
We attended the game and it didn’t start out as we hoped. The Patriots were losing. By the bottom of the third quarter the Patriots were down 28-3. Sports reporters insisted it was impossible for the Patriots to win. The stadium began to clear out and I wondered what had possessed me to do something so illogical.
But in a historic comeback, the Patriots won. I felt as though I had witnessed a miracle. As confetti fell from the ceiling, something inside me softened. Sometimes it pays to be illogical.
This is when I decided to finally move to Los Angeles to be an actress.
When I moved to Los Angeles, I thought this is it! I’ve finally figured out my life. But, I soon learned life doesn’t always go according to plan. (Let’s be honest – life usually doesn’t go according to plan). During this time, I had repressed trauma of childhood sexual abuse surface. This sent me down an unexpected road of focusing on healing, rather than my career. As I healed, people from my past only ever asked me – what films can I see you in? The answer was nothing, and I felt shame for it.
As I processed trauma, I transitioned to trying a career in screenwriting. I, once again, began a new pursuit. I fell in love with writing and telling stories.
My life continued to blossom internally, and I was learning to love myself. But I still struggled with the weight of others' expectations, swinging between happiness and shame over not having reached the milestones expected of someone my age.
In 2021, I started my podcast, New View Advice. It was a new pursuit. As with all new creative beginnings, I felt exhilarated and terrified. But for the first time I could see how life had led me here. I was using so many of the talents I learned along the way. My degree in Communications, the business skills I learned in my 20s, my acting and voice training, and my love of storytelling.
New View Advice challenged me in a way nothing had before. This was a built from the ground project. This felt like my baby. It was up to me if it succeeded. This felt powerful, and also felt like an immense pressure. I found myself wondering on many sleepless nights… what am I doing with my life?
Then, one day, after a New View Advice project didn’t work out the way I expected, I felt the old shame of others viewing me as a failure sneak in. I went for a walk and sat with a tree and cried. As I cried, I realized I didn’t feel like a failure because I failed. I felt like a failure because I assumed others viewed me that way.
I took a moment and reflected on my life. How could I call myself a failure? I did courageous thing after courageous thing. I picked myself up time and time again, and I was brave enough to try new things over and over again. And on the days, I didn’t worry about others’ opinions, I was actually happy. Why was I still letting others’ opinions weigh me down?
I had felt so burdened by the opinions of others because I thought it created safety, but truly it just created a cage that kept me small and feeling trapped. My creativity requires risks and boldness. Being afraid of what others think hinders me, it does not support me.
When my friend died, I learned that life is short, but now I realize the real lesson to learn is that each and every moment is precious. And why would I want to know the ending to the story? Half the fun of life is following the seeds
I can still struggle with the question - what am I doing with my life? But now I know to remind myself – You don’t have to have it all figured out, all you have to do is truly live.
