100: Get to Know Amanda Durocher: Why I Started New View Advice & Reflections on 100 Episodes
In honor of New View Advice’s 100th episode, Amanda Durocher gives a behind-the-scenes look into why she started the podcast and what she has learned on her healing journey. Amanda discusses her passion for helping trauma survivors and anyone seeking guidance along any type of healing journey. This episode features questions about starting new view advice, entrepreneurship, and the continued support of the new view advice community. Thank you to everyone in the New View Advice community for your support as we reach 100 episodes!
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Timestamps ⏱️
Introduction: 00:15
Question: 01:18
Outro: 27:18
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started. Hey, beautiful soul. Welcome to New View Advice Advice. I'm Amanda Durocher. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:24]:
I believe you have all the answers you seek. You just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you for joining me for another episode. Today, we are going to be learning about impostor syndrome at work and why feeling like an impostor often has nothing to do with your current job. In fact, imposter syndrome is usually a form of self sabotage and we don't even realize it. When feeling like an imposter, you may receive positive feedback and praise from colleagues and find it does nothing to relieve your very real feelings of anxiety and insecurity. By the end of this episode, you will learn to embrace self kindness so that you can begin to explore the root causes from your past that are causing you to feel like an imposter at work. My intention for this episode is to assist you in remembering that you are not an imposter.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:59]:
You are a beautiful human being. Before we jump into today's listener question, I always like to mention that if you haven't checked out my website, I invite you to check it out after this episode for more free resources, including journal prompts, meditations, blog posts, and podcast episodes about the healing journey. You can check that out at newviewadvice.com, and today's episode show notes will be at newviewadvice.com/99. So let's jump on in to talking about impostor syndrome. Amanda, I loved your episode on workplace anxiety. I found it really helpful. I struggle with a lot of anxiety at work and realized it's rooted in impostor syndrome. This is my first job out of college, and I don't know what I'm doing, and I realized I feel like an impostor.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:38]:
A family friend helped me get this job, so I really am not sure I am qualified. Most people at my work are nice to me, but I still feel like I don't belong here. I find myself worried that someone will soon realize that they made a mistake in hiring me. The more I think about it, the more anxious I get. Any advice on how to get over this? Thank you so much for this question. This is a great question that I think so many people can relate to. I think that imposter syndrome is much more common than most people realize. I think one of the myths of imposter syndrome is that when we feel like an imposter, we think that we're the only ones who feel that way.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:07]:
So we feel even more isolated and different. But today, I wanna reassure you that you are not alone, and I'm sure people you work with also feel the same way. I know I relate to this question, and I talked to my partner, and he also relates to this question. So you are definitely not alone in feeling impostor syndrome. Imposter syndrome is when we internally feel anxious or qualified or inexperienced even though external circumstances say otherwise. This is why, to me, imposter syndrome is often tied to feelings of low self worth. But what is so interesting about impostor syndrome is that we usually feel it when we get recognized by our peers for performing well or getting promoted. But even then, we don't feel like we're good enough.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:42]:
We feel like an imposter. Imposter syndrome usually isn't about the job itself or the goal itself or wherever you're experiencing the imposter syndrome. It often isn't about that situation itself. So in this question, it's not about the job itself. But often, it's about some underlying feelings about your self worth that you are now projecting onto your job and career. There is truth within the feeling you have, but it's usually misunderstood. I know this has been true for me in my life. For example, I'll receive compliments about my podcast and it's so hard for me to feel the compliments.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:13]:
It's so hard for me to accept that people like my podcast. In the past, I've really felt like an imposter. And in my life, I really had to look at why I didn't believe all the kind feedback I was receiving. And I realized that this was connected to feelings from my childhood. Growing up, my feelings were always invalidated. Honestly, I felt pretty crazy growing up. I had all these feelings and were told they were wrong or they were overdramatic or that they were just not true. And so when I began healing, I began validating myself for the first time.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:42]:
But when I started this podcast, it was the first time that I said a lot of the things I had learned out loud. I was taking my experience and sharing it with others. And my whole life, people have invalidated my experiences and my feelings. So talking about these things has been a challenge for me. I love doing it. I love doing the podcast, but I often feel like an imposter and like somebody is going to come and tell me I'm a crazy liar. Crazy liar. Where is does that come from? That's something connected to how I felt in my childhood in 2 years.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:06]:
That's something people have said to me and also something that I internalized and began saying about myself. So the truth is now when a listener sends me an email thanking me for being helpful on their healing journey, my first thought is that they're lying to me and they don't mean it. I mean, admitting that's pretty embarrassing. I'm gonna be honest. I struggled with this episode because I relate to this so much. And I was like, can I talk about feeling like an imposter about my podcast on my podcast? But you guys know me or at least anybody who's listened before knows me. I'm very open and honest about my human experience. And so I share this because to me, healing imposter syndrome is an inside job.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:42]:
And in a sense, it's a form of self sabotage. Because I know, like, for me, when I receive positive feedback about the podcast, I'm self sabotaging because I'm falling into an old pattern of feeling like I'm not good enough rather than accepting the praise in the moment, rather than allowing myself to be seen. I immediately come up with a million reasons about how that's not true because it's too good to be true. And so healing from imposter syndrome is beginning to accept who you are rather than invalidate yourself or harm yourself. You know, I think imposter syndrome's harmful because it consists of us telling ourselves hurtful words. Even if the outside world is praising us, we continue to tell ourselves we're not enough or we're unworthy. So healing these feelings of being an imposter requires you believing in yourself. It requires you remembering your own self worth, and it requires a lot of self love.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:28]:
I also wanna spend a few minutes talking about false and unrealistic expectations driven by our past and how that can impact impostor syndrome. So very often, we think we'll feel a certain way when we get something and we often don't feel that way. So for example, we think we'll feel stable when we get a job, or that we'll feel confident when we get that promotion, or we'll feel successful when we make more money. And very often, our expectations and reality do not match. Very often, at those goal moments or those big moments, we have expectations of how this will feel in luck, and that's just not the case. So for you, you likely imagined feeling a certain way when you got your first job out of college. Maybe it was confident or self assured or a 100% certain about your future. And it sounds like you're discovering that that's not the case and is likely contributing to your feelings of imposter syndrome and self doubt.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:17]:
So I invite you to ask yourself where any expectations may have come from. So for example, if you had an expectation about how it would feel to have this first job out of college or expectations about life, success, and failure. You know, most people I talk to about expectations can't explain to me why they have specific expectations. They just do. And my simple question of where did this expectation come from is usually met with, I don't know. But the interesting part is that these false expectations cause people to become upset and unhappy, and is your internal definition of qualified even true? And is your internal definition of qualified even true? I hope that made sense. You know, I'll give an example. With me with the podcast, I expected that I would feel successful for having a podcast.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:06]:
I expected I would feel validated for having a podcast. I thought I would feel validated if somebody said something kind to me. But I quickly learned that even when people validated me and praised me for the podcast, I still didn't feel like I was enough. I had a false expectation that the podcast would create that feeling of enoughness I was searching for when the truth is I was sabotaging and I really needed the inner work to feel like I'm enough and to heal why I ever thought I wasn't enough in the first place. Time and time again I had to practice what I preach and remember I'm not perfect. I'm human. And having a podcast and then a business was all new for me. I wasn't perfect.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:41]:
I'm still not perfect. I'm learning. And so much of that learning was that with my podcast, I have seen where I still need to grow. I am humbled all the time by how this experience of creating this podcast and new view advice in my business trigger me. They trigger me all the time. And I'm constantly triggered with not feeling like enough or feeling unworthy or feeling like a failure. And the truth is it's always an invitation to go within, to dig deeper, and to bring more self love into my life. It's okay to have all your feelings.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:16]:
That's the truth. The truth of life is we have a lot of feelings and it's okay to feel them and that no feelings last forever. So your feeling of being an imposter will not last forever. So now that we've talked about the underlying reasons that often contribute to imposter syndrome, here are 3 steps for beginning to identify your false beliefs around impostor syndrome and start healing impostor syndrome at work. So step 1, be kind to yourself. I think when healing impostor syndrome and the feelings of unworthiness and the feelings of self doubt and the anxieties of not being enough at something, the most important first step is to practice being kind and compassionate with ourselves. Many times imposter syndrome is rooted in deep unworthiness, low self esteem, feelings of not being enough, and even self hatred. In order to heal, we need to begin being kind to ourselves.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:02]:
We have to practice offering ourselves words of kindness, words of understanding rather than words of judgment and words of self harm. Right? Calling yourself a failure or constantly questioning your own self worth is harmful. So we wanna begin practicing being kind to ourselves. For example, if you feel imposter syndrome sneaking up at work instead of believing the self doubt begin to say to yourself, I know this is scary. It's okay to admit the feelings you're having, you know. Or you can say, it's okay to be unsure about this. You've never done this before. Or I'm feeling really anxious and that's okay.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:35]:
I know this won't last forever. We wanna be kind to ourselves and loving to ourselves. It makes me so sad that so many people struggle with imposter syndrome, feelings of unworthiness, and self doubt. As I've mentioned, I know I struggled with these things for so long. And at this point in my life, I can see that the person who was always hardest on me was me and it was really unnecessary. Being unkind and self hating never made my life better. It always made it harder. I've been saying this a lot recently but we are with ourselves our whole life.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:04]:
No one else is with you from the moment you're born to the moment you die. But you are with you for the entire human journey. We have to learn how to make peace with ourselves and become kind to ourselves. We deserve it. And if we spend our whole lives with ourselves, don't we want to like ourselves? Don't we want to enjoy our own company? And so as I mentioned imposter syndrome is so often tied with self hatred, and this may sound harsh to some. But when we say things to ourselves like, you're an idiot, or you're stupid, or you're such a fuck up, or I can't believe you said that. You shouldn't have said that slash did that or I can't believe you. You're such a failure.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:41]:
You're no good. These are self hating thoughts. Those are not loving. They are cruel. You would not say those to someone else, and if you did, people would call you really mean. We need to begin to change the way we speak to ourselves through practicing self kindness and self compassion. And when I say this, again, it's really just being kind to yourself. You don't have to say all of a sudden, I'm the best at my job.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:04]:
No. No. No. No. No. Instead, you're gonna say, I know this is scary. I know this is hard. Oh, I feel anxious.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:10]:
It's okay. I got you. Self kindness is learning how to have your own back. It's learning how to support yourself rather than knock yourself down, right? So say you're in a boxing ring with yourself, that feels like impostor syndrome. The imposter syndrome and you are battling it out. Where what if instead you put the gloves down and you just hugged it? You just hugged the other person in the ring. You just hugged the imposter syndrome and you just said, I know. This is hard.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:36]:
Wouldn't that be different? So many people are so mean to themselves, and change happens when we do something different. So today I invite you to be kind to yourself. My second step for healing from imposter syndrome is to practice self awareness. So after we've spent some time being nice to ourselves and I know for so many out there, you're probably like, it's so cheesy to be nice to myself. But I invite you to really be honest with yourself. How many of your thoughts are loving and how many of them are cruel? I bet most of you have more cruel thoughts than nice thoughts throughout the day. And that's something that is important to begin to bring awareness to. So as I said, after we spend some time being nice to ourselves, now we can begin bringing awareness to when we feel impostor syndrome, who triggers it, or what triggers it, and what specifically makes you feel like an impostor.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:21]:
In this question, you talk about how a family friend helped you get the job, and because of that, you do not feel qualified. And I would invite you to reflect on why you think this way. Because I think that many people get jobs through connections and people they know. There's a reason so many people promote networking when looking for a job, that you that you're not qualified. I'm sure you went through an interview process and you were the best fit for the job. But I note this because it's a great place to bring awareness and dive a little deeper because even though I think that getting a job through a family friend doesn't make you unqualified, it doesn't change how you feel. You feel unqualified for that reason. So I invite you to reflect on this.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:59]:
Why because someone helped you get the job does it make you unqualified? What stories are you telling yourself? Almost every job involves someone helping you get it. People have to hire you. That doesn't make you unqualified. That is not a fact. But why do you think it's a fact? What is driving this fear of yours? And lastly, be honest with yourself. Is there anything anybody could say to help, or would you feel this way even if the boss of your company came up to you and said, hey. If you didn't know this today, I wanted you to know you're qualified. That may be something you wish you could hear.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:30]:
It's likely that won't happen. But another scenario which is very common is that that situation could happen and you still wouldn't believe it. You would come up with another story about how they didn't mean it. Right? Like, how when I receive positive feedback about my podcast, my first response is not to believe it. My second response is to be kind to myself and to say, Amanda, someone just sent you a very kind email. They did mean their words. And to reassure myself that they're not trying to quote, unquote trick me because that's where my mind goes. My mind thinks everybody's always trying to trick me.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:01]:
It's a funny little game in my mind. But then I'm able to really reread the email and to accept the kind words and to be like, wow. I'm so glad my work is helping other people. That means so much to me. But, again, a lot of times I have to do a little song and dance in my head first. I have to hear that thought where I say, that's not true. And then I have to say, yes. It is true.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:21]:
They wouldn't send you this email if they didn't mean it. They are not lying to you. And then I go, wow. Oh my god. That's so nice. And so that's a step of bringing awareness. Right? Is beginning to see in the moment what is happening within our minds. And so with self awareness, I think another place that would be great to practice awareness is around this feeling of belonging.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:41]:
I think it's really interesting that you said most people at my work are nice to me, but I feel like I don't belong here. You know, my guess is that your workplace isn't the first place where you have felt like you don't belong, especially if everyone is nice to you. It's a sign that this is likely an inner feeling, an inner fear. And when did you first feel like you didn't belong? Is there anywhere you feel like you do belong, or is this something you struggle with in most situations? I know for me, I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere for a really long time. And if I'm honest, I can still struggle with this. I think one of the most important things for humans is to feel seen and understood. And when we don't feel that way, we often feel as though we don't belong. But what I have discovered through my decade long healing journey is that the more I see myself and the more I understand myself, the more I feel like I belong wherever I am.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:26]:
Even if others don't accept me, I know it's really not about me. So I invite you to begin to see yourself clearly and to remember your own self worth. And so as I've mentioned, oftentimes imposter syndrome doesn't actually do with your job. It's a feeling you've been carrying for a really long time, and it's connected to feeling unworthy or feeling like you're not enough. And many times, this can go all the way back to childhood. And I think for so many people, not for everyone, but for a lot of people, feeling like they're not enough stems from their relationship with their parents. So this can be with both your parents or your mother or your father. But so many people have felt like they aren't enough from such a young age.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:00]:
They internalize these feelings of not enoughness and unworthiness in childhood and have been carrying around this wounding ever since. It's so common that as children, we interpret our parents' actions as meaning we are not enough. Oftentimes, this was not our parents' intention, but many people grew up with emotionally immature parents, and this can cause children to internalize these difficult feelings. An example for me is that I felt really criticized by my parents rather than praised. I know they loved me, but as a child, the criticisms were internalized as me not being enough. I needed compassion, and honestly, I didn't often receive it. And this is very common, and I didn't receive praise. So I've struggled with work and feeling like I'm enough in the things I create because nobody's ever complimented them throughout my life.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:44]:
You know, when I started the podcast and when I began writing and all those things, all my creative works, nobody ever said, yeah, Amanda. Go do that. You're awesome. These are great. I was often met with a lot of confusion and so that caused confusion for me as well. Also, growing up, I never had any mentorship or encouragement from any kind of adults. You know? I never had teachers who encouraged me, and I never had any sort of mentorship. So I find that that also contributes to my imposter syndrome because I've really had to find the feelings of worthiness within.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:16]:
But it's a reason for my imposter syndrome is that because nobody ever praised me, which they didn't have to. I understand that. But because I never received that encouragement, instead of internalizing something neutral, I internalized I wasn't enough or I was unworthy and that I was bad. That's a big one for me is that I internalize being bad. So then with my work, I project that and a lot of times I say my work is bad. I am bad. I am bad, so my work is bad, which is not true. And I've had to really look at that and heal that and have all my feelings around that.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:47]:
If any of this interests you or if you wanna dive deeper into this, I also invite you to listen to episode 76, why do I feel like I'm not good enough, how to heal the feelings of low self worth, shame, and inadequacy. And with the self awareness, that sounds like a lot of deep hard work. So I also invite you to bring awareness to your accomplishments. Be kind to yourself. You have worked hard to be where you are. And if no one else tells you today, I know you're doing great. I truly, truly know it. And I think it's important to acknowledge how far we've come.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:14]:
Right? You graduated college. Congratulations. That's amazing. Not everybody does that. So pat yourself on the back and remind yourself that you worked hard to be where you are. You deserve to be where you are. My third step for healing from imposter syndrome is to embrace fear and self doubt and stop trying to be perfect. I think when healing imposter syndrome, it's so important to remember that you are human.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:35]:
Humans are not meant to be perfect. I'm so sorry if someone in the past held you to unrealistic standards or only validated you when you won an award or you did something being grand or when you did something that they labeled as good. I'm so sorry because I think that also contributes to imposter syndrome is when people only validate us for big experiences or for achievement. You are amazing just because you're human, and life is about the journey, not the destination. I think that the Internet and social media have many faults, which I've talked about on many different episodes. But one is that so many people think that everyone else is doing so well and that their life is perfect. And trust me, they're not. They're human too.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:17]:
You know, a lot of people on social media just look like they have a perfect life because they throw a filter on it, or they highlight only their professional successes or you're only reading what they choose to share. Remember that with anybody on the Internet, myself included. You get to hear what I choose to share. You don't hear everything. I try my best to share the vulnerable truth, but there's probably things that I hold back because I have fears and maybe I'll share in future episodes. But remember that anybody who you're comparing yourself to is also human and by being human it means you are not perfect. So there's nobody out there who's perfect. If somebody's life looks perfect, I doubt it is.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:00]:
I don't know anybody with a perfect life. Being human is honestly about making mistakes. It's about learning. It's supposed to be messy. Life would be so boring if we knew everything. That can be so hard when we're going through the tough emotions and the hard feelings and when we're feeling anxious, but the truth is that life is about learning to love yourself. It sounds so cheesy, but it's so true. It's so true.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:21]:
Isn't that exciting that you get to go on this journey of life with yourself? You're not an imposter. You're human. And And I'm not trying to be preachy, but being able to learn from mistakes and failures is one of the greatest forms of learning there is. There is no replacement for learning from difficult tasks and experiences. Embrace it. I know in my life when I mess something up it sticks a lot more than when I just get it on the first try. You know, when I have to work for something, that sticks and I learn from it. When life is just easy, I don't remember that.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:53]:
That's boring. Ray Dalio, who is a successful investor and has a best selling book titled Principles, he goes as far as saying don't feel bad about your mistakes. Love them. And he also says pain plus reflection equals progress. So I invite you to try reflecting on this and how you might view mistakes from this new lens. It may give you a new perspective on your sense of not being enough. And from this episode, I hope you understand that it's okay if life feels challenging. It doesn't mean you're an imposter or that you're not enough.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:22]:
And the truth is, I don't know if self doubt ever fully goes away. I think we can doubt ourselves when we do anything new. I know that doubt arises for me when I am navigating changes and new ideas and new creations. I just recognize it's doubt rather than attaching to it like it has to be true or the truth. Oftentimes, I'm doing something new. Like, right now, I'm exploring creating YouTube videos and I feel self doubt arising. It doesn't mean that that doubt saying, Amanda don't do YouTube. It means that I'm doing something new that kind of scares me and doubts arising.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:54]:
And I'm just like, okay. I feel that. I'm still gonna move forward. Thank you, doubt. Thank you for showing me that this is scary for me, that this is new for me. And if I have trouble getting past that doubt, then I would go deeper with it. Right? What is this doubt communicating? Where did this start from? What past experience is it possibly linked to? So if self doubt is something you want to learn more about, I have another episode, episode 65 called overcoming self doubt, 4 tips to heal and overcome self doubt in your life, And I recommend you listen to that as well because I think self doubt is a big part of imposter syndrome. And before I wrap this episode up, I just wanted to mention that fear is a part of human journey as well.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:31]:
Again, you're in your first job at a school. Of course, that feels anxiety inducing. It's new for you. It's a new change. It's a new life chapter. It's a lot of new, and this can ramp anxiety, fear, and doubt, and that is okay. You are human, and you have such a wonderful opportunity to learn and challenge yourself through this job. I've told this story so many times on the podcast, but when I got my first job out of college, I cried every day because I didn't know what I was doing.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:55]:
I also felt like an imposter, and and I had no idea the working world was gonna be so hard. Working 40 hours a week was not equivalent to, like, the 12 hours of school I would do a week in college, and I would cry every day in the bathroom. And I told myself every single day, you can just leave. You can leave, and nobody has to know you ever worked here. You don't have to put this on your resume. You can just leave. And I never left. I stayed and I'm so glad I stayed because I learned so much.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:18]:
It was a marketing job. Marketing is not my forte. But I learned so much through that experience, and it taught me how to persevere. It taught me how resilient I was, and it taught me how to do hard things. And that has been so helpful throughout my life. So I just want to reassure you to all of you listening that you are not an imposter. You're wonderful. You are a human.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:37]:
And I am grateful that you're here and you're looking to heal and learn from your experiences and to grow. Because though life can feel long, it's actually quite short. And isn't it fun that we get to continue to grow throughout our entire lives? I think that's really cool. I have found through healing my imposter syndrome that it makes me enjoy life more because by healing imposter syndrome, I'm really healing the feelings of not being enough, and I'm remembering I'm enough, and I'm remembering I'm worthy, and I'm remembering I deserve to have a voice and to speak, and also giving a voice to all those parts of me that didn't have a voice. Those parts of my youth who felt invalidated or wrong or scary or bad. Every time I choose to overcome my imposter syndrome and I choose to lean more into self worth and self love, I'm honoring my whole human experience at every age. And that's pretty cool to me. So with that, I hope you found something in this episode helpful.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:28]:
Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for listening to another episode of newbie advice. As always, I'm so grateful to have these conversations with you each week. If you haven't already, I invite you to rate and review the podcast. If you're on Apple, you can leave 5 stars and a review. Or if you're on Spotify, you can leave a review for this episode and leave a 5 star review. Ratings and reviews really help to bring more people to the podcast and help me to continue creating more content and answering more listener questions. So thank you so much in advance, and thank you to everyone who has already left a rating and review.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:05]:
Thanks again for listening to another episode of new view advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you next time.
