39: Advice for Healing & Feeling Sad About Getting Older & Feeling Sad About Being Single
Everyone experiences feelings of sadness throughout their life. In this episode, I answer a question from someone feeling sad that they are almost 30, and another question from someone who is sad that they are still single.
This post contains affiliate links to some of my favorite tools and resources. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. Full terms & conditions here.
I also spend time at the beginning of this episode talking about my own healing journey with self-trust.
Episode References:
Here is my Sad Music Playlist on Apple Music
This is filled with music that helps me move my sadness, but I recommend you take it as inspiration and make your own!
Book Recommendations:
Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Dr. Joe Dispenza
Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
3:09 Amanda’s Healing Journey
14:40 Listener Question 1
32:00 Listener Question 2
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher 0:00
Welcome to New View Advice, a safe place for you to ask your most vulnerable questions about life, relationships, healing, and so much more. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I believe our fears and traumas are often what holds us back from living life to the fullest. Join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever is holding you back from being your best self. Let's get started. Hey, there beautiful souls. My name is Amanda. And this is new view advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast. And what I mean by that is that it is my intention to offer you advice on the healing journey. And to offer you guidance back to your own heart. I believe you have all the answers you seek, you just may need a little help along the way. Thank you for joining me for another episode today we will be discussing sadness. And specifically two questions. One question about someone who is sad that they're almost 30, and another person who is sad about being single. So today, we're going to be discussing sadness, how we can feel the sadness, how we can move through the sadness, and maybe some changes we can make in our life to help us to move through this difficult chapter in our life. I want to mention upfront that I believe sadness and depression are different. So I believe when we are depressed, we can feel sad. But depression is different than sadness. I just wanted to mention that upfront for anybody who struggles with depression, or feels like they struggle with some of these questions, but they don't just feel sad, they feel depressed. So sadness is a feeling that everyone will feel along the human journey. I think that when things happen in our life, we become sad. For example, if somebody dies in your life, you would probably be sad. If you lose your job, you would be sad if you enter a relationship, if you lose a friendship, if something unexpected happens that feels negative to you, you can often feel sad, or when things happen outside of our control, like turning 30 or being single, we can feel sad. To me depression is when those difficult feelings don't go away. So when we are depressed, and we were moving through depression, or we are suffering from depression, we can feel sad, but we also feel hopeless, we feel helpless. We feel this overwhelming sense of gloom like gloominess is what's coming to mind. And it lasts for days, if not weeks, if not months, if not years. So depression is different than sadness. And I'm happy to talk about depression. Because I am somebody who has suffered from depression throughout their lives, I am happy to say I am no longer depressed. But I have definitely gone through bouts of depression. And I would definitely be open to having that conversation. So if you have any questions, feel free to write in, you can email me at newviewadvice@gmail.com. But I just wanted to give that upfront because today will really be focused on sadness, which I do feel is different. So before we jump into today's episode, I also just wanted to give a little update on my own healing journey. I like to give these every now and then just to be transparent about where I'm at, to help anyone out there not feel alone. I am still healing. I talk about that all the time. I believe we're on a healing journey, and there's no real destination. I believe that healing is really just the process of getting to know ourselves better getting to know the true self, who we truly are, and unprogrammed ourselves from the lies we tell ourselves from societal expectations from the beliefs we took on from our parents from our community. And so because healing is so vast, there's so much to unpack, it's really a journey and about being present for every step and appreciating the healing journey, and not trying to force a destination. I've talked about before that when my friend Dolan died, as I mentioned in a previous episode, he died seven years ago, I thought that if I healed that grief, I would be healed. And joke was on me that just by beginning to look at myself, I learned that it's a healing journey. And I learned that there was so much more to heal from, than just grief that I had so much trauma to unpack, and I had so much to look at, and I had become so disconnected with myself. So the process of re getting to know myself reconnecting with myself and revisiting parts of my past that were really challenging has all been part of my healing journey, and continues to be a part of my healing journey. So I just like to mention that and for me, what I've been working through recently is that trust of self, I think learning to trust ourselves is a lifelong journey. I have been on this journey for a long time and I'm always learning how to trust myself deeper. And currently in my life. My heart is asking me to rearrange a lot of things in my life is asking me to prioritize things that are different than what I've been prioritizing. And it truly doesn't make sense to the outside world. And through the past month, I have had to learn a deeper sense of trust, and that my hearts wisdom, my hearts and guidance, my hearts, next steps will likely not make sense to people. And I have to be okay with that. And I have to do it anyway. And I find that as a creative, and as somebody trying to create new things into this world, that will likely be very common for me throughout my life. Because in order to birth new things in this world, in order to bring new things into this world, in order to create anything new, you're creating it from nothing, you're creating something that has not existed before. So you are the leader of that thing. You are the leader of that guidance, you are the first person that that guidance that wisdom will pass through, if that makes sense. And so it may not make sense to other people. And we live in a world that if they don't understand what you are doing. And that could be your family, that could be friends, it could be society. But if people don't understand what they're doing, they will often project their own fears onto you. And this isn't malicious. For example, with the guidance I've received, I've had a lot of people close to me kind of question it, because they want what's best for me. So when people don't understand the guidance we receive, they're going to question it because they love us. And they want to make sure we're doing what's best for us. And when people don't understand what we're doing, a lot of times they'll give us their opinion. And this experience has taught me that I have to continue to hone that deep trust in myself. Because again, oftentimes what my heart asks me to do, does not make sense. It doesn't logistically make sense, it actually makes sense to me, I can see the path, I can see how I got here, I can see why this is the next step, but to society to people outside of me who are not familiar with my inner world, it does not make sense. But by trusting myself by trusting my own heart, and seeing all the times my heart led me right, I am able to continue to trust myself and to take this leap of faith in myself. And I just wanted to mention that upfront, because that's what I've been working through, I think I have been feeling sad this month, because things in my life do have to change. So I've been grieving the old to make room for the new. But it's not always easy. I am someone who often receives wisdom from myself or next steps. And I kind of kick and scream the whole way it can take me a while to accept the wisdom or accept what I'm being asked to do by my higher self, by source by my own heart, whatever you connect with whatever you believe your next steps come from your inner wisdom, your intuition, and accepting that can take me a little bit of time. That's because I'm being asked to expand in new ways that again, people don't understand. For example, when I started this podcast, a lot of people in my life did not understand it, did not think this was something I should do. But my heart asked me for months to do this. And I eventually did it. And I look back and I'm like, I probably should have done it a bit quicker. But that's been part of my journey is receiving insights, receiving next steps receiving wisdom and learning to act on them sooner than later. But it's a process. It's a learning process. So it used to take me months than weeks than days. And the harder something is the longer it can take for me to accept and to do. Sometimes I jump right on an insight and other times it takes me a while to accept that this next step isn't going anywhere. my higher self isn't gonna ask me to do anything else, my higher self is going to continue to ask me to do this hard thing. So I just wanted to mention that up front. And for me, my next step is writing a book. So I mentioned that because one I'm not trying to be secretive or deceptive. I just like to talk about teachings in ways that hopefully a lot of people can relate to. But personally, I'm being asked to write a book, a memoir, which I've mentioned before, I actually got this wisdom back in December of 2021. And it has been a very long time. Obviously, for me to accept that this is what I'm being asked to do. I've written bits and pieces, but I am now being asked to make it my number one priority, which to a lot of people doesn't make sense. My podcast is growing. I'm getting more and more feedback every day. I'm getting more and more questions every day. More more followers, more and more listeners, I should be focused on this, or I just did a healing circle, I should be expanding that I should be continuing those. And I'm a screenwriter. So I should continue with that, which it's not that I'm stopping any of these things. But I am re evaluating and re organizing and rearranging my life, so that my priorities are different. So that this book is my number one thing, because that's what's being asked of me. And I ignored the whispers long enough. And through that, I have found myself really sad, and having a lot of hard feelings. And that's because I am out of alignment. And when I'm out of alignment, it's because I am not listening to my heart. And my heart has been asking me to do this. And the more I don't do it, the more out of alignment I become. So then my outside world becomes more difficult. I find at this point, it is incredibly difficult for me to ignore my heart. It is one of the great things about this journey that I believe the more you listen to your heart, the more it will ask of you and the more guidance you'll get, and you'll become clearer and more intuitive. And that's awesome. But it also can be harder, because the more you do it, the more it will feel really yucky, when you don't follow it, it will feel really bad. So the things you used to be able to shut down and numb are the coping strategies you used to be able to use to check out or to ignore yourself, no longer work. And then your life becomes more uncomfortable, until you will do the wishes of your heart. Because once your heart knows it's heard, it wants you to follow through because it's a promise you made to yourself. You know, I for a long time with this book felt like it was something being asked of me by a higher power, or by something outside of me, it felt like my heart was outside of me in a bit right? Like, I don't know why my heart is asking me to do this thing. I don't want to do it. And recently, it's been like, all right, my heart is me. I'm asking myself to do this. This is literally for nobody but me. This is something I need to do for myself. And the outside world may not understand why right? Now's the time. And the outside world may not understand why I have to do this, I may not even fully understand yet. Why I have to do it, which is why I need to trust myself and do it anyways. Because I know on the other side of this book are gifts beyond by imagination, that could be more self trust, that could be inner peace, that could be financial gain, whatever it is, I don't even care what is on the other side of it. Because I've learned that what I usually think is on the other side of what I'm being asked is not what is actually there, there's always something better. I'm always getting gifts that are better for me that make my life better, happier, more joyful, and more full of love more full of self fulfillment. And I just wanted to share that for anybody else whose heart might be asking them to do hard things right now, or who may find themselves in a period of change and unknown that I'm right there with you. This journey. Like I said, I don't know if it ever ends. I'm always healing, I'm always growing. I'm always being connected to new parts of myself, I'm always feeling my inner child come up and having new layers of past trauma to heal. And it's not always easy. But I truly do believe that when we follow the voices of our hearts, we are fulfilling our own wishes, we are fulfilling our own hearts desires, we are fulfilling ourselves. And through that new and unexpected gifts will come into our life. And we'll be able to live those lives we dream of. And it might not be what our ego wants. But it's what our soul wants. And through that we learn to love ourselves. And we learn to love this life and this human journey, which can often be difficult. So I hope something in that was helpful for someone. But I just wanted to share that because I'm always talking about how here we listen to the wisdom of our hearts. And I just wanted to give an example of my own life where I was resisting it. resistance comes up in my own life, but I'm going to do it anyway. resistance comes up, it can be scary. I've had a lot of fear come up, but I'm going to do it anyway. And it can often be scary what our hearts are asking us to do. But what I find is that the more we face fear, the less fear there is, each time we come up against a fear and we face that fear and we move through that fear. We have less fear in our lives. And that's really one of the reasons we're here is to face fear and to embrace more love. So I hope something here was helpful. And let's jump into today's episode about sadness.
Amanda Durocher (listener question) 14:41
I turned 30 next month and I find myself feeling sad about getting older. I recently ended a long term relationship. I don't love my job, and I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be. I always thought by 30 I'd be married with a kid and now I'm almost 30 And I find that instead of looking forward to my birthday, like I usually do, I'm dreading it and feeling sad about it. If I know my age is just a number, and I know I'm fine in the grand scheme of things, but that doesn't change how sad I've been feeling. Any advice on how to move past this? Thank you for this question. I am so sorry to hear you've been feeling sad, and that you are struggling with turning 30 I for 1am, almost 31. So I turned 31 in November. And I want you to know that life does not end when you turn 30, it is just beginning. But I think your feelings are totally valid. And I actually think it's very common to feel sad around our birthdays, and specifically milestone birthdays. So I think this can add around 1821 3040 or a different age. So somebody may put a lot of expectations on 25, we just collectively tend to put expectations around certain milestones. But everybody may have a different year that feels really difficult for them because of external expectations of what that age would mean. I think that 30 can be really hard for people because I think that transitioning from 20s to 30s can feel like such a big deal it can feel like things are supposed to be so different times have really changed in the past couple of decades. So our parents, 20s and 30s were much different than our 20s and 30s. And I think that a lot of times the sadness is around external expectations. So like you said, you thought you'd be married with a kid. And all of a sudden, it's hitting you that you're almost 30. And you don't have that like what does that mean? I can tell you that what it means is that your path is different than what you expected. That is very, very common, we often don't get things the way we think we're going to. Or if we do we find that it doesn't bring us as much happiness as we thought, I have friends who got married in their 20s. And they're getting divorced in their 30s. And I know some of them thought, oh, I have to be married by 30. And now they're getting divorced. So it's just a personal journey. And we have to realize that age is just a number like you said, and that our life is unfolding the way it's meant to. So it involves some of that trust that I talked about in the intro, learning to trust ourselves to trust our path and trust, the guidance we're getting in each and every present moment. And with that, I believe that if you're feeling sad, you may have to allow yourself to grieve the expectations you put on yourself. For example, I found myself two years ago, so when I was 29, crying over the 30 under 30 list because I realized I was never going to be on it. And it seems so silly to me now that I was crying over it. But it was hitting all these really hard expectations I put on myself, like if I achieved x by a certain age, it meant something about me like it would tell the outside world I was doing okay. And what I have come to learn, especially over the past year is that there really is no rush. And there's only the path of our hearts. And I can struggle with that myself. As I mentioned in the intro, I'm working on that still. And these expectations we put outside ourselves. Oftentimes when we don't meet them, it doesn't mean anything about us, but it means something to our ego. So our ego tells us that if we have a certain life by 30, or we hit a certain number of Instagram followers, or if we hit a certain weight, that we will feel different inside. And oftentimes that is not the case, we have to learn how to change our inner world how to be who we want to be and to feel the feelings we want to feel inside. And then our outside world will start to reflect that back to us. So for example, if you are looking for love, then you want to practice feeling love inside, you want to practice loving yourself, and then you'll be able to attract a partner who loves you. But if you always feel like you're in a lack of this love, then you will attract more of that lack of love, because you're focused on that lack, where our attention goes, energy flows. So we want to become aware of what we want, and what feelings those wants will bring us so for example, if you want more money, why do you want more money? Because I want to have a car because I want to travel because I want all these things? What do you think those things will give you? And your answer may be joy or freedom. And then it's how do you attract more joy and freedom into your life now, because I believe everything we need is within us and these external things will not bring us those feelings. We have to cultivate those feelings first and then we will be able to experience that outside of us. I'm hoping some of this makes sense. Here's an example from my own life. So recently, I have found myself in a living situation I'm not in love with. I am in a temporary home and I'm really craving that forever home because I was telling myself that my life would change once I found my forever home And I recently realized I found myself in the same trap that I thought that this house would bring the changes to my life I was looking for that it would bring me stability, happiness, community connection, all the things. And I realized that I'm going to follow myself wherever I move, I'm not guaranteed on any of those things. And I don't have the power to choose where I'm living and all those things, those things are outside of my control. Right now, the amount of time I'm in the location I'm in is outside of my control. And I know that so what can I control? What can I do? I realized that I can change my life now. The location, yes, it will change my life, but it won't change the things I'm actually looking for. I'm looking for connection. So how can I connect with people in the community I'm in now, I'm looking for more joy, more stability, how can I give myself that stability. Now, I do not have to wait for my outside circumstances to give me what I need. Now. My heart is telling me what I need now because it is within my control to change my life in the present moment. So my advice to you would be to get really clear on what you want, and what can you control, getting married and having kids is out of your control. If you're single, I assume you don't want to force it. So you want to trust that those things will happen for you when it's in your highest and best interest to meet someone get married and have children. So what steps that your heart is asking you to make can you make right now? What can you do to change your life? Are there whispers you've been ignoring? Are there hard feelings? You've been numbing? Is there something you're afraid to do but continually appears on your heart or in your inner world and your inner vision and your meditations and your dreams? These are questions you could begin journaling about to help you accept where you are in life. And what you can do now to attract more of what you want. I think some of this sadness is because you're not accepting where you are, you aren't living in the present. And it sounds like you aren't living from a place of gratitude for what you do have. I think this can be very common for many of us, our world is designed to show us what we don't have. So we have to make a conscious effort to look at what we can be grateful for what we do have what we can appreciate. And I believe there is always something to be grateful for. In my toughest moments, there were still things to be grateful for an example Oprah always gives us like, if you're having trouble thinking of something, think of your beating heart. Think about how it beats all day long. When you're sleeping, it does not take a break. Your heart beats for you. Your heart is pumping blood through your body all day, every day so that you can live. That's something to be grateful for. That is incredible that our bodies are working for us so we can do the things we want to do in life so we can show up to life so we can wake up every day and experience life. We always have our hearts to be grateful for. So I invite you to start exploring a gratitude practice. I think that coming back to gratitude, when we are sad can really help us to move through that sadness. I know that when I start focusing on gratitude, it's one of the quickest ways to shift my emotions. Because even if I'm sad, and I deserve to feel that sadness, and I have all that sadness, the gratitude alleviates some of the pain that can feel endless, or it can help me not get stuck in the sadness. Because we don't want to get stuck in emotions. We want to allow these emotions to move. I also invite you to journal and explore why you think that 30 should be any different than 29. Is this your own expectation of parental expectation, a societal expectation. But I know when I turned 30, I actually felt a huge amount of relief. Because I felt like there was all this expectation on my 20s and what they had to be and I felt like I was supposed to actually feel a certain way at 30 I feel like I was in such a rush in my 20s I felt like there was a destination. Like my 20s were the time I had to figure out my life. I had to figure it out. I had to figure it all out so I could then live the rest of my life. And when I turned 30 I realized none of that was true. I actually could have slowed down my biggest regret of my 20s is that I wasn't kinder to myself. It continues to be the only regret I ever have in my life is that damn I am so hard on myself. I wish I could just be kinder to myself. And sometimes I wish I listened to the inner wisdom a little quicker because I caused my own suffering by not listening to the whispers of my heart. But when I don't listen, I offer myself kindness and compassion because there's no point in bullying myself, punishing myself and berating myself, because oftentimes the reasons I don't do the things I'm meant to do, or I'm being asked to do is out of fear. Fear is a real emotion. Fear is so cool. Hamann here on planet earth fear run so many people's lives. doing the work is learning to deprogram that fear, to detach from that fear to become aware of that fear to face our fears. One of my favorite influencers, I don't know if she would call herself an influencer is Elise Myers. She's a tick tock star, I guess she's also on Instagram, she now has a podcast. But she's always talking about how she's terrified to do everything she does, but she doesn't anyway. And I think that is a beautiful lesson. And I think it's so important for everybody. Because as I talked about in the intro, that's really something I'm moving through, doing it scared, embracing life, even when we're scared because I think we put these expectations on ourselves, and we take on the expectations of society, because we think if life is predictable, we won't have to deal with fear, we won't have all these feelings come up, we can avoid them. And there's really no avoiding hard feelings. There are going to arise unexpected things can arise and we can't control life. So as I said, it's coming back to what can you control? What can you change in your life right now. So three things I recommend for you to do to help you with this sadness. And to start this next decade intentionally is one to develop a journal practice. If you don't have one already, this is a great way to become in tune with yourself. Something I've mentioned before is that our inner voice may be quiet at first, it may speak in one word, it may speak in one word answers, or it may always show us the same thing. Or it may be sound repetitive, or it may sound quiet. And this is because our intuition gives us step by step guidance. And it gives us the next step. Not all the steps. And it wants to see that we listen, our intuition wants to trust us. So we have to learn to trust our intuition. And the more we trust our intuition, the more our intuition will trust us. It's developing a relationship with ourselves. It's all about the relationship we cultivate with ourselves. It's like a relationship outside of us where it takes work, it takes time, it takes effort, we don't just automatically trust ourselves. I think that's a false belief. We tell ourselves, we have to build that sense of trust. If you're somebody who has not been following your inner guidance, and you're somebody who has been lying to yourself, telling yourself things are okay, when they're not telling yourself that you'll do that later and never doing it, then you are breaking your own trust, you are showing yourself you're not trustworthy. So when you're building that intuition, it takes time, it takes patience, it takes building a relationship. So I think that starting to journal, I've been doing a healing circle with six beautiful souls. And so many people have voiced how journaling and just becoming aware of their inner dialogue and all the feelings they have throughout the day has been so helpful. It really is a practice, though. It's something you want to practice daily, weekly, multiple days a week, a lot of this inner work takes time and patience. And when you become consistent, you will see changes, it doesn't take years to see the changes. It takes weeks, we're on week four of this healing circle. And so many people have already experienced changes or new awarenesses and can see that the consistency, assist them with getting to know themselves better. So really, it only takes a few weeks, it just takes consistency. And through this journaling, you could also practice gratitude, so journaling, 10 things you're grateful for daily, this is a great way to start cultivating appreciation for where you are right now, too. I recommend meditation I talked about this a lot. I talked about journaling and meditating together. I think journaling is oftentimes easier. It's a great intro into the self work. But meditation can be really good for you a gratitude meditation, a self love meditation, meditations that help bring you back to the present. Because I think a lot of your sadness is that you're not where you thought you should be, which is living in a unrealistic expectation of yourself because it doesn't exist. You want to find ways to bring you back to the present, because the present is where life is happening. And that is where we will find happiness. And that is where we will find joy. It's not in the things outside of us, you can get a quick fix from things outside of us. But true happiness, joy, peace is cultivated from the present moment. The third piece of advice is that I think you should pick one thing you can change in your life today. And do it. You know, if you figure out what you could do, do it do this one thing, it could be a big thing or it could be a small thing. Ask yourself what's one thing you can do for yourself? This will be different for every single person who does this exercise. Every single person who asks themselves what they need to change or what they can change today, it will be different. And many times when we're out of alignment. It's because we are not listening to ourselves. And if you ask yourself what you need and do it it's a great way to start developing. that trust with yourself that we spoke about. For me, I've been asked to wake up earlier. And I was resisting it for a while. Even though I know when I wake up at a certain time, my day flows better. But I have a lot of resistance to it because I love to sleep. But I've committed recently to making that change. And each day is still difficult, I do not want to get out of bed early. But each time I do it, it becomes easier and easier. Resistance wise, it doesn't take me as long to get out of bed, I don't have as many angry thoughts. It doesn't mean it will ever be easy for me to do. But it becomes easier. And I face less resistance. So for you this could be meditating daily, this could be journaling, this could be taking a new route to work, this could be trying a new coffee shop, this could be quitting your job, it could be something big, but it's going to be different for everyone. This is a Dr. Joe Dispenza teaching that we need to do new things in order to change our lives. So if we're not happy in the present, we need to rewire our brains and create new patterns create new things. And the best way to create new patterns is to change something. So if you always are doing the same things every day, what can you do to mix up your routine to add in an element of surprise because the universe can't bring you new things if you're living a predictable way. Joe Dispenza. His book, breaking the habit of being yourself is a great intro to his work. And I also like becoming supernatural. Those are his two books I recommend, and I will link those in the show notes. So I hope something in his answer was helpful. And I just invite you to allow yourself to feel sad, connect to the sadness, honor the sadness, and you can journal meditate. I also think coloring when we feel sad is a great way to feel the feelings and then see if there's something you can do that would be different or some way you can honor your sadness. Or if you can start adding gratitude. And when you feel sad and seeing if that makes a difference for you. I hope something again in this answer was helpful. And I am sending you so much love. happy early birthday Angel.
Amanda Durocher (listener question) 32:04
Recently, I've been feeling really sad and lonely. I'm in my late 20s. And I'm still single, I feel like everyone around me is getting married, already married or having a kid, it can be really difficult to go on social media because everyone looks so happy and in love. And I'm at home alone drinking wine and watching Netflix. I'm tired of being single, but also tired of dating apps and first dates. It's been years since I've had anything serious, and I'm feeling really sad and down about it. Any advice? Thank you for this question. I think that you are not alone. I think this is a very common feeling. And I'm so sorry, you are moving through this. I know that feeling sad and lonely, are not easy emotions. And they are very real emotions. So I just want to validate how you're feeling. It can be lonely to be single. And I think that a lot of self love can be found in time to be single, I think a lot of self growth. I think being single is a beautiful time to honor and we'll talk about that. But it doesn't mean it doesn't sometimes feel lonely. And I just want to honor how you're feeling because those are real feelings. And I just want you to hold your own heart and just honor that instead of trying to maybe numb it or move from it. And just allowing yourself to acknowledge your own sadness and loneliness that you've been feeling recently. Because I believe our feelings are always valid because we're feeling them. Feelings are information. They are not there to harm us they are not there to make us suffer more. They are there to inform us about very real feelings. And the more we connect with them, the more we ask our feelings questions, the more information we can learn about ourselves and about what we are experiencing and why we are experiencing that in the present moment. And I also just want to honor your feelings about seeing everyone on social media looking really happy. I think that's so real. I think it's so hard not to compare ourselves and compare our lives to others when we are on social media. I feel like this is something our minds just naturally do is compare what we see to what we are experiencing. So seeing a lot of people getting married can be really difficult. I know that when I wanted to get married, I am not married my partner I have been together 11 years we have chosen at this point not to get married. We have had many discussions about marriage, but because of different reasons. For both of us, we've chosen an untraditional path which is a partnership outside of marriage. Maybe that will change one day I'm always open to my life changing but right now I've chosen not to get married. But I mentioned that because there was a period in time when I really did want to get married for all the wrong reasons. If I'm honest, I wanted external validation all these other things. I can go into it in another episode. But it was really hard for me. I had been in a longer relationship than all these people I saw getting married and engaged on social media And I was constantly comparing my relationship to theirs like that their engagement or their marriage meant something more than my relationship or more than me, like it made them more worthy of love. My mind was twisted. And I mentioned this because I think that social media has a way of really messing with our heads. So it's so important to detox. It's so important to disconnect yourself, and it's fine to mute people, it's fine to unfollow people. I unfollow people all the time. And if people are offended by that, I'm sorry, I never mean that. Offensively, it's just for my own mental health. Sometimes it's hard for me to follow people who do the same thing I do, because I get in that comparison mode. There's nothing wrong with creating safe spaces and creating your social media to be only content you want to see. And if it's causing you anxiety, or depression, or sadness, and this loneliness, I invite you to really take a break from it. And I do another episode called Episode 19, comparison and social media, which may be helpful for you as well where I talked about this. But I just want to honor that we are navigating a world of comparison of social media, and how that affects our mental health. And we're all just starting to learn and hear about the effects this is really having on us. So I just invite you to be kind with yourself, because I think it's so easy for us all to compare ourselves to what we're seeing on social media. And it is just so important to remember that these social media feeds are curated, they are not real life, you are seeing somebody's highlights. It's like when you watch highlights of a football game, and you only see the good highlights. But in between, there are a lot of boring plays and bad plays, but you're just seeing the highlights of the game, you're just seeing the highlights of somebody's life. And just because somebody's getting married doesn't mean they're happier than you were lovable, it absolutely means nothing compared to you, you're just two different people on two different paths. And I just invite you to be kind to yourself to offer yourself compassion. When you find yourself comparing to bring awareness to when you're comparing and maybe getting off the app in those moments. Or maybe having an affirmation you can tell yourself or just becoming aware, self awareness, becoming aware of our thoughts or feelings is so helpful for the healing journey because the healing journey is really becoming conscious of the unconscious conscious of the subconscious. And the more we bring to consciousness, the more we can change our lives. I also want to say that it's okay to allow yourself to feel sad. We don't want to live in the sadness, but it's okay to honor it. So are you allowing it to be felt? Or are you numbing it? Because sometimes it can take longer for us to process our feelings if we don't allow ourselves to feel them fully. And instead, we numb them. So you mentioned drinking wine and watching Netflix. There is nothing bad about either of these things. But it's important to become aware of why you're doing these things. And if you're using these to numb or if you're drinking wine and watching Netflix for a different reason. I know in my life when I used to drink there were many reasons I would pick up a drink. One of them was to numb and it helped me to become aware of how I was using alcohol as a coping strategy. In my current life. I can use Netflix to numb I also use Netflix as a way to unwind. I don't think these things are inherently bad. I think that it's how are they affecting your life? Do you find that you're watching an hour of TV at night? Because it helps you fall asleep? Or are you watching 10 hours of TV on a Saturday because you're trying not to feel your feelings? There's nothing wrong with coping strategies. There's nothing wrong with occasionally numbing. It's becoming aware so that we can change and maybe reevaluate to healthier coping strategies if the ways we are coping is negatively affecting us. So in my own life, I often watch TV before I go to bed to help me unwind from a workday. Is this the healthiest thing I can do before bed? Probably not. But do I find that it's negatively impacting my life? Personally? No. I don't find watching a comedy negatively affects me I find watching comedy actually really helps me It assists me in becoming lighter. As somebody who does a podcast that talks about trauma TV helps me to bring lightness to my life. As somebody now working on a memoir about trauma and sexual assault. It's helpful for me to unwind with television, and somebody out there might tell me that it's the worst thing I could be doing but I truly don't believe that. I believe that it works for me right now and we're on planet Earth. It's okay. Recently my partner and I have been watching Bachelor in Paradise and you know what, I've really been enjoying it and it's okay, I'm human. I'm allowed to watch what's considered quote unquote, trashy TV. It's helping me to just relax Next, it's getting aware of why we do the things we do. And it's okay if not everybody understands it. But I just want you to start becoming aware of you're drinking wine, and you're watching Netflix, and just seeing if these are assisting you, and even becoming aware of if you're using them to numb because maybe you're not allowing yourself to fully move through this sadness, because you're numbing, because as I mentioned, it can halt the feeling process when we numb our feelings. And I also want to say I think being single can be hard, as you've mentioned, because it sounds like you're feeling very lonely right now. But since you find yourself here, I invite you to embrace this period of your life, because it really won't last forever. I know it can feel that way when we're in it. But it really won't last forever. And I think that a lot of the advice I gave in question one applies here. So starting to journal starting to become intentional. What are you looking for in dating? Why do you not like being single, I truly believe that being single is a beautiful time and is often taken for granted, it's a time you get to be in tune with yourself as a time you get to be self involved, which is so important on the healing journey. When I was first healing, I was incredibly selfish in a negative sense, because I don't think selfish is always negative, I think it's okay to be self centered sometimes. But it was hard for me to be in a relationship at the same time I was healing because I needed to think of myself. And I needed to give myself what I needed. And I needed to be incredibly selfish. And I needed to have a lot of hard feelings. And that can be really hard when somebody else is involved. So there's a beauty and allowing ourselves that time that time to be single to get to know ourselves. I also think you should get in tune with what you think a relationship will bring you and start bringing more of that into your life. So as I mentioned in the first question, if you're looking for love, how can you bring more love into your life right now? How can you love yourself more? How can you appreciate the relationships you already do have? How can you tune into the feeling? You're looking for the feeling of freedom of love of companionship? And how can you bring that into your life now? So are you able to be a better companion in the relationships you already do have? Are you able to embrace love? Are you able to take yourself on dates, I think that sometimes when we start to become obsessed or sad or stuck in the feelings of not having something, it's important to come back to what do we do have and connect to what we think that thing outside of us will bring us and find ways to cultivate that now in our lives. It's really that concept of manifestation, the idea that we need to live in the frequency of what we want in order to attract that which we desire. And I believe this is true. And this is one way to do this. And another is that we have everything we need within us. And I truly, truly believe this. And the more we appreciate what we have, the more we honor what we have, the more we dig deep to uncover why we feel the way we do, and why we act the way we do, the more freedom we'll bring into our lives. And the more we will naturally begin to live a happier and more whole life and attract the things that are really meant for us not what we might think is meant for us. I mentioned this because I found in my own life that many of the things I thought I desired. For example, marriage, I actually wanted for the wrong reasons. So by becoming intentional about what you think a relationship will bring you why you think you need to be in a relationship or why you're actually sad about not being in one. So my guess is you might feel like you're lacking something. So connecting to why you feel lack and your beliefs around that lack and what you think if you had something outside of you, it would bring you by connecting to that you can start to uncover beliefs in your subconscious. That might not actually be true. So for example, for me, every time my therapist challenged me to look at why I actually wanted to get married, it was always for the wrong reasons. For example, I wanted to get married because I thought a wedding would make me happy and wrong reason. I wanted to get married because I thought that other people would start to view my relationship the way I viewed it, I wanted people to view my relationship seriously. And that's outside of me. I can't control how other people view it. I can be married and people can still view my relationship whatever way they're going to. I can't control how other people think. I thought that if I got married, it would validate me in some way. It was never going to. And the more I accepted that my partner didn't want to get married, but he wanted to be with me. And I've embraced our relationship the way it is, the happier I truly am. And I realized that that was my ego that thought I had to get married because of societal parental and family expectations. It wasn't actually my soul. My soul just wanted to be with Evan just wanted us to be partners and didn't care if we got married. And I just mentioned this because the more you connect with why you're tired of being single, and why you want to be in a relationship you make You learn that some of these things you can give yourself. So if you want to be in a relationship because you want to feel loved, I really invite you to embrace ways you can love yourself. And you can show yourself that you love yourself. Because oftentimes, we think that relationships will fill this hole we have within us this hole of I need to be loved, I need somebody told me I'm worthy. And the longer in a relationship, you realize, nobody can fill that hole, but you only you can love yourself the most. And the more you love yourself, the more someone will love you. So if you're finding you're attracting a certain type of person, when you're dating, tune into that, because that pattern will show you something within you because again, the more you love yourself, the more you will attract somebody who loves you as much as you do. We find people who match our energetic vibration and match where we are. So I hope something in that answer helped. And I'm going to link a playlist I made for feeling the feelings of sadness in the show notes at WWW dot newView advice.com/ 39. Because I want you to, as I mentioned, really embrace feeling these feelings of sadness and loneliness, and then connecting to yourself becoming aware of the thoughts that fly through your head that will be really helpful for you. What thoughts are you having when you're on social media and you see somebody get married? What thoughts are you having about being single? What are you telling yourself, it means that you're single, because I believe that the more you get to know yourself, and the more you love yourself, the easier this chapter will be. Again, it doesn't mean it's easy, but it will be easier for you. And because you are single, it's a great time for growth, it's a great time to connect back with yourself. And I just want to mention, for everyone who's single out there, for all the single listeners, there is someone out there for you, and you're allowed to be patient. And I know it can be really hard. But there is somebody out there for you, who will love you for you who you are worthy of who will treat you how you want and the more you become intentional about what you're looking for, then I think that dating could become a little easier for you. Because you'll know right off the bat, what you're looking for and what you're not. I think intention is always so helpful. And sometimes the universe is aligning to give us what we want. And sometimes we don't understand the timeline. But it will happen when it's meant to it will happen when you're ready. And because of that you can trust that there's someone out there for you. I know that I know that you're very lovable. I know that there's somebody who will love you as much as you deserve. So while you're waiting, I guess in a way waiting or Well, this isn't quite in your life yet. I just invite you to really explore yourself, get to know yourself, embrace those likes and dislikes. Embrace what you like to do, and just start to cultivate that love for yourself. And I think that will really really help you throughout this chapter of your life. So I hope something in this answer was helpful. I am sending you so much love. Thank you for this question.
Amanda Durocher (Outro) 47:57
Thank you for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. As always, I am so grateful to be able to have these conversations with you each week. If you have not already I invite you to leave a rating and review for the podcast reading reviews are so helpful. They are such a great way to support the podcast I am so grateful to everyone who's already left a rating and review. They really do help bring more people to the podcast and it's one of the best ways to help support the podcast. So I just invite you if you haven't already to leave a rating and review you can leave a five star rating and review on Apple podcasts. Unfortunately, I think right now you can only leave them on Apple podcasts. So it's for anybody with an iPhone, you can go to the episode page, New View Advice, scroll to the bottom and leave a rating and review. Thank you so much in advance. Thank you again for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. sending you all my love. See you next time
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