42: Family & Relationships: My Family Doesn’t Approve of My Partner & I Don’t Like My Boyfriend’s Family

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Nov 9

In today’s episode, I discuss how difficult family dynamics and triggering relationships are a beautiful opportunity for growth and healing. I answer one question from a listener looking for advice on how to communicate with their family that they are back with an ex who cheated on them, and another question from someone asking what to do if you don’t like your partner’s family.

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Similar Episodes:

21: Family Dynamics & The Holidays: Healing our Family Triggers

Timestamps:

0:00 Intro
8:13 Listener Question 1
26:45 Listener Question 2

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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher 0:00
Welcome to New View Advice, a safe place for you to ask your most vulnerable questions about life, relationships, healing, and so much more. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I believe our fears and traumas are often what holds us back from living life to the fullest. Join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever is holding you back from being your best self. Let's get started. Hi, there beautiful souls. My name is Amanda. And this is New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer advice on the healing journey. It is my intention to offer you advice on how to connect back to your own heart, and your own inner wisdom. I do not believe I have all the answers you seek. I believe you have all the answers, you just may need a new view on whatever you may be going through. Thank you for joining me for today's episode. Today we'll be talking about family and relationships and what to do when our family may or may not approve of the person we are dating or may worry about the person we're dating, and also what to do when you do not like your partner's family. So I'll be answering one question from a listener whose partner cheated on them, they broke up and now they have decided to get back together. And our listeners afraid to tell their family because they don't think their family will approve of the decision. And a second question from a listener who is dating someone and loves this someone but does not love their family to the same degree. And they are wondering, can you make a relationship work if you do not like your partner's family. So I think both of these are great conversations. I think that the combining of families and the growing of new families is something that many people experience and also can end up struggling with. I think we live in a world where the movies make it seem like combining families is easy, or you see them fighting but that everybody comes together at the end. And that's not always the case, because what I have found on the healing journey is that not everyone else is on the healing journey. And this becomes very apparent and family structures. I think that when we begin to heal, sometimes people in our family structures are healing with us. Sometimes they're not. And this is the same with our partners, families, sometimes our partners, families are very aware, very conscious, and sometimes they're not. So when we are combining families, we're not just combining people, but we're combining different beliefs, different patterns, people can act different with different people. So if your partner acts one way with you in a different way with their family, it's learning to navigate all these dynamics. And also our families have opinions about who we date, as we'll be discussing in question one. And learning how to navigate this family and relationships is part of the healing journey. It's part of becoming conscious, because you can go about your life and be unconscious and be triggered by everyone and never change your ways. But if you're listening to this podcast, then I assume you're on your healing journey. And here we are learning to become conscious of why we do the things we do, why we act the way we do, why we may be afraid to create new patterns with our families, why people may trigger us and that will be a lot of what we'll be discussing today. And also in the next episode where I will be discussing family dynamics and the holidays. Because I think that the holidays are a time of year that are filled with so much joy but also are filled with family dynamics are filled with us going home to family and different patterns being played out and can also be really stressful. So we'll be discussing that in the next episode. But today we're focused on as I mentioned, family and relationships, and how to bridge these relationships, how to navigate these relationships and how to heal because I find family and our relationships hold some of the most potential for growth and healing. I have found in my own life, that healing trauma has been a big part of my journey, but also healing the relationships and my triggers of those who are closest to me. So healing my relationships with my mom, my dad, my brother, healing my relationships with my partner and the triggers that will happen within our relationship and also in his families around or my family's around, and how to navigate all these things, has really been a healing experience for me, because these are the people we can't always it's not true for everyone. I know that's not true for everybody listening to this, but we can't always cut out of our lives. Especially if you're with a partner. You can't necessarily cut out your partner's family, especially if they're close. So it's learning how to navigate these different relationships and learning how to look at your triggers. And we're going to talk about that today, especially in question two, because I think that it's so important for us to start owning our triggers and it's so important for us to start owning how we are showing up in relationships. I strongly believe that relationships and relationship drama is one of the biggest distractions we give ourselves. I see this played out more than using alcohol as a coping strategy, more than drugs and different forms of addictions. I think we are addicted To relationship drama, there is nothing that will keep you more distracted from yourself than playing out relationship drama. So that is why here, we will be talking about relationships and how we can heal in relationship. That's today's topic. I totally also believe in family estrangement, I do not believe that everybody is meant to stay in your life. And that is a decision you have to make with your own heart. But today, we'll really be focused on those relationships that we can't quite just tune out when we can look at family and use them as a beautiful healing opportunity. So that's a bit about today's episode, I'm going to dive deeper, obviously, in the questions. And I love to talk about relationships personally, because I've found them to be the most healing thing in my life, because by looking at every time I've been triggered in relationships has brought me so much peace, because it's brought me so much healing. Because I've sat with my inner child, I've looked at my patterns, and I've come to terms with my past experiences. I've sat with my own heart, and I've healed my own heart by witnessing myself and offering myself compassion. Because when we are triggered, we often react to the world rather than respond to the world. And part of healing is learning how to respond rather than react. Because relationships, you can cut out everybody in your life, but then the person at the grocery store is going to trigger you, or you can cut out everybody in your life and then the person at the carwash will trigger you. Or if you have somebody who your family brings into your life, so maybe one of your child's friend's mother's or someone like that, or a teacher will trigger you, these patterns will be continued to play out with other relationships, because the truth is, we can't fully isolate ourselves. So learning to look at our triggers and learning to heal our own hearts helps us in these difficult relationships. Because I also want to say that many people who are unconscious, like I mentioned, and aren't healing can be really triggering. But these people are really mirroring back to us a potential and an opportunity for growth and healing. Because what you will find is that the outside world may not change. But the more you change, the more the way you respond to the world will change. If you feel peaceful inside those triggers won't bother you, those people may act exactly the same. I have plenty of people in my life who have not changed but do not upset me to the degree they used to. Because I now one speak up for myself, I too, have sat with my own heart. And three, they don't trigger me I don't take their actions. Personally, I understand that the actions of others are their own actions, even when they are directed at me the truth is it has nothing to do with me. The way others react to you has really nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. That does not mean is easy. That does not mean it does not hurt. Sometimes we do need to cut people out of our lives. But the truth is, the more you heal, and the more you sit with your own heart, the more you hold your own heart, the less the outside world will sway you from that inner peace, that inner compassion and that inner love that we are beginning to cultivate here. So that's a bit about today's episode. And let's jump on in.
Amanda Durocher (Listener Question) 8:17
Hi, Amanda, first and foremost, thank you for creating this platform. Your podcast has been instrumental in my healing process. And for that I will always be grateful. I discovered my partner had been cheating on me early this year. And after going through several sessions of therapy and couples therapy, and doing a lot of introspection, I decided to give our relationship another try. Things are going well. However, I am nervous about telling my family. We are extremely close and I know the outcome will not be great. I completely understand where they're coming from. I just wish they could understand where I am coming from to any advice. Thank you for this question. I think a lot of people can relate to this question. And I think this falls under the category of your family not approving of the person you're dating or being afraid to tell your family the person you're dating out of fear that they will approve. I think that it is understandable where your family is coming from, as you mentioned. And I think that this is a great conversation for us to have today. I also want to say thank you for your kind words about the podcast, I am very grateful that you have found it helpful on your own healing journey. That is always my intention. So I just wanted to say thank you so much for your kind words, it means so much to me. And I really appreciate that you listen to the podcast and that you are looking to continue healing your own heart. That is my life's passion for everyone to heal and connect back to themselves. So thank you so much for your kind words. Okay, so I also just want to take a minute to honor what you're going through. It's definitely not an easy situation to navigate. Because you obviously love your partner, you love your family, you want everyone to get along. But you know that this will likely not be the case immediately because my guess is that your family knows that your partner cheated on you which it See what it sounds like from the question. And yeah, they may not approve off the bat because they love you. And as you said, you can understand where they're coming from you wish that they could understand where you're coming from. I think many of us can find this in different times throughout our relationships with our families is that we just want to feel seen and heard as our own individual self. And I think in family structures, especially if you have everyone in your family feeling a certain way, it can be hard for them to see and respect to your decision. So we want to work on how can you communicate this clearly and effectively to your family. I also want to mention that you mentioned the nerves. So it sounds like you may have some anxiety regarding the situation. So when it comes to this anxiety, I invite you to sit with your heart, and to see if it's in your highest and best interest to have this conversation soon to help alleviate you have this anxiety, is this anxiety communicating to you that you need to have this conversation and you've been putting it off? Or is this anxiety really asking you to maybe help the brakes and take some time to be in your partnership, before you tell your family? I think you definitely need to tell your family eventually. But I don't know how long it's been since the two of you have gotten back together. Or if you ever broke up or what the dynamic there is. And I think sometimes when things are new, and we're retesting the waters, or we're testing the waters, or we're creating something new, sometimes it's okay to not tell everybody or not to tell our families or those who may have judgments or try to offer us advice. Sometimes it's okay to keep things to yourself for a little bit as it's in the incubation period, as it's growing as it's forming, as it's still getting on its two legs, so to speak. So I just invite you to spend time first figuring out what is in your best interest. And if it's just spending time with your partner, allow that no, you will tell your family soon. Now I know we're coming up on the holidays. So you may be looking to spend the holidays with both your partner and your family. So this conversation may have a timeframe where it needs to happen. Or as I said, the anxiety could be communicating to you that you really need to have this conversation because you won't feel comfortable until you do because you may feel like you're keeping a secret from your family. And that may feel extremely difficult for you. So it may be important for you to have this conversation soon. And if that's the case, then I invite you to pick a time. So either timeframe, like within the next week, the next month, and hold yourself to that or pick a time schedule with your family be like Hey, I have something I want to communicate with all of you, are you available on Friday, and put that time on the calendar because that will help you to hold yourself to this right hold yourself accountable. Because sometimes having tough conversations are difficult, so we can put them off. And also if you communicate to your family that you have something you want to say to them, then they may have time to prepare as well. You may also choose to communicate it to one family member and not all of them at once or for you it may be communicating to everyone so that it doesn't get passed through the grapevine. Or you may just want to communicate it to one person. But these are all going to be decisions you want to think about ahead of time, because you want to create a situation where your heart can feel safest and where you can feel most comfortable having this difficult conversation. So you're just going to want to figure out what works best for you and your family structure. These may seem like small decisions, but sometimes we can just decide to just drop information that we've been like holding on to. And it's not always the right time. So the more intentional you can get, the easier this conversation can be for you. It does not mean it will be an easy conversation. But it can be easier if you allow yourself to think and reflect on some of these decisions ahead of time. So when you decide you're ready to have this conversation, and you have chosen a timeframe to have this conversation, I invite you to become very clear on what you want to communicate to your family. I would invite you to communicate how you are back with your ex how you went through your own process, you may want to communicate this process to your family. I don't know if they know you're in therapy. I don't know if they know you went to couples therapy. But I invite you to communicate that you have taken steps that you have thought about this, that you're not just jumping into this communicating your process to your family, and also communicating how you're feeling about having this conversation about how you feel about your partner, and how you want things to look moving forward. So you don't want to say like I want you all to be nice to them. It's more like I want you to respect me. So always bringing it back to yourself I think can be helpful because if your family has feelings about your partner, you want to make it clear that this is about you. It's really not about the person, the partner. It's about how you want your family to respect you and your decisions because I think your family if they don't approve of your partner will have an easier time respecting you and respecting your decisions and seeing you than they may not seeing your partner so the more you can communicate that this is what your heart is asking. I think it's easier for people we love to hear that to understand that we have thought about our process that we have thought about all these fears that may be arising for them because the truth is As you know, your family loves you so much. And what's likely the root of this is that they don't want to see you get hurt. And maybe they think they know what's best for you, maybe some of them didn't like him to begin with. So this is just another reason to add to the list. I'm not sure of the dynamics. But the truth is, it all comes from a place of love. And it's not the healthiest way to play it out when the people we love don't approve of the people we're with. And they voiced that. But it does come from a place of love. And so learning to communicate with your family and communicate boundaries will be really helpful for you. Because you also will likely have to voice that you're not looking for advice, you're not looking for their opinions, you are just looking to communicate that you and your partner are back together, he is a part of your life, you too have delved into the patterns you had and whatever healings you may have had, or any insights or introspective moments, as you mentioned, you had that healing. And those decisions have led you to this decision where you have decided to stay with your partner. So you just want to make sure that you're communicating clearly your own inner world, and you don't have to give them all the details. I don't know what your relationships like with your family, I don't know your family can even hear about feelings. So all of what I just said may seem too vulnerable. And if that's the case, and you really just want to communicate, I have chosen this, please respect my decision and keeping it short and sweet. Also works as well. But using those I statements, so not accusing your family of anything before they do anything. And really focusing on you will probably help them rather than focusing on your partner like I've chosen to stay with my partner, I've chosen to make this relationship work, I am looking for you to respect my partner and also meet in this decision. So as I mentioned, because this is going to be a difficult conversation, I think that you want to just become as clear as possible ahead of time, have clarity on what you want to say have clarity on what you're trying to communicate, have clarity on when the best time for you is, those are all the logistics of what the situation will look like becoming intentional, choosing a timeframe, communicating clearly and effectively. And communicating with from that personal place and calm place. When you have this conversation, make sure you're prepared to not attack your family. Or if they attack you that you're able to calmly leave those situation, you just want to remain as calm as possible for yourself. And I find that other people can hear us a lot better when we remain calm. If you show that you're getting too upset, then that can upset others and the emotions start to escalate, especially in family structures. So the more clear you can remain with that communication, the more grounded, you can remain in that communication, the easier I think this conversation will go. But now I also want to invite you to reflect on your own triggers, hear your own fears, hear if there is an inner child healing that could happen through this experience. As I mentioned in the intro, I believe family relationships and our relationships with our partners are beautiful opportunities for self growth. And so my invitation to you through this experience before you even decide to have this conversation, would be really to reflect on what your fears are here, become clear on those fears. Why are you afraid to tell your family? You know that they may get upset, but why are you afraid they're going to get upset? Are you afraid when your family gets upset? Do you feel like you have to fix it when your family gets upset? Do you feel like you have to remain the passive party or the peaceful party in the situations? Or are you afraid you're going to disappoint your family? Are you afraid of being a disappointment? I invite you to take this opportunity for growth. As I mentioned, you're going to do that by asking yourself those questions by seeing if the feelings that are arising now have arisen before? Is this a pattern you're playing out? Have you had to communicate this difficult conversation about other relationships? Did it go well? Did it not? I invite you to dive into what you are afraid of here. Because your family you may know exactly how they're going to react. But why does that upset you? Because as I mentioned, your family may always react a certain way. Because that's what life is. So many of us are in family structures where no one else is healing. It can be really hard to be the one who's healing because a lot of times we do have to be the bigger person in the room because we're the only one with awareness. It can be so easy to fall into the I don't want to be the bigger person. I just want to yell, kick and scream and I want to be heard while I'm yelling. Ah, if only that were the case. But the truth is when we fall into old patterns, we're going to be seen as that old version of ourselves and our souls and our hearts are asking for us to be the bigger person or asking for us to show up in a new way or asking for us to hold our own hearts to face our own fears to sit with why our families trigger us and our hearts are inviting us to stand in our own strengths. And on our own power. To me, that's what being an adult is, I don't think you're an adult, just because you're 18, I think you're an adult, when you own your mistakes, you take responsibility for your life. So I actually think we live in a world where the amount of adults aren't as many as we think there are, because a lot of people don't choose to take responsibility for their lives. I believe in radical responsibility. And what I mean by that is that it is our responsibility to take responsibility for every aspect of our life, it is our responsibility to continually go within and ask ourselves why we are triggered. And sometimes it's an easy Aha. And sometimes it requires crying for days. And sometimes it takes days to even get to why am I so triggered here. And sometimes it takes years. But it is our responsibility as those who have chosen to heal, to step upon the path of responsibility for our actions and our decisions, and also to communicate to our families that we are adults. I think sometimes it is so hard for our families, because especially parents, they have looked after us for so long, it can be so hard for parents to let go of seeing their kids as kids. I've seen this so much in my life, how adult children can fall back into childlike patterns in the presence of their parents. And we have to leave the nest as adult children. And we have to communicate to our family, that we are adults. And sometimes it takes us communicating that first, we wish that everybody was always on the same page. But it's just not always the case. So it requires us to learn to communicate for some times, even in my own life, I feel like the biggest adult in the room, even when I'm the youngest person in the room. And I know other people may not see me that way, because they see a young woman in the room. But I have sat with myself and I have taken responsibility for my life. And I have sat with the worst things that have happened to me, the medium things that have happened to me, and the things that have happened to me, and I've taken responsibility for all of it. And I've taken responsibility for all the healing there. And I say that, because what I'm asking you to do isn't easy. But I can tell you that what's on the other side of it is freedom, liberation, peace, love. It doesn't mean you'll feel those things in every moment. But I can tell you that in the past week, I've sat with some of the hardest things I've experienced. But I had a sense of peace that never left me. And why is that? Because I have sat with my own heart and I have cultivated peace within me a trust within me. And how did I do that first, looping back around, I did that first by looking at family structures. I believe that relationships, as I mentioned, are one of our biggest distractions here on Earth. And so many humans can get caught up in drama. And relationships are actually one of our greatest teachers. And I talk about that a lot in romantic partnerships. But it's true with family. Family is here to teach us so much. And to mirror back to us our greatest wounds our greatest insecurities and our greatest fears. So the more you can become aware of them, and how your family triggers you. And what do I even mean by trigger? It means when you come out of alignment, what pushed you out of alignment, what was said that made you triggered that may do sad that pushed you out of that inner peace? What thought Are you replaying in your head? What conversation Can't you let go of what action made you angry, allowing yourself to become conscious of all those patterns, all those things, all those moments in inviting yourself forward, your heart forward, your inner child forward that we talked about a lot here, and sitting with that part of yourself and seeing what needs to be witnessed. And I'll go a little bit more into detail in the next question about breaking down that trigger process. But I wanted to invite you to begin that as well. And as I mentioned in the next question, I'll break down how to really look at a trigger. But I want you to one, create a space for you to have this conversation into I invite you to really sit with your heart and what are your fears here? And where do those originate from. And I just want to also invite you throughout this time to offer yourself a lot a lot of self care. What is self care to me, self care is giving yourself what you need in the moment. And so it could be an act of self care to have this conversation. Or it could be an act of self care to give yourself time before having this conversation. But if you choose to have this conversation soon, I invite you to do self care at a time so that could look like taking a bath, talking it out with a friend. It could be meditating journaling, a lot of journaling. I always find journaling to be really helpful and the more More people I work with the more I'm such a fan of journaling, because everybody says journaling is helpful. And so I really believe journaling is helpful for everyone. So just journaling about how you're feeling about this experience. And also journaling about those triggers those fears, those insecurities, allowing the pen to flow, allowing yourself to just free write and seeing the thoughts in your head on paper can allow energy to move, it's an act of moving the energy that is stuck in you and putting it outside of you. And so I invite you to do self care ahead of time do self care after, if you need this to be a short conversation, set it up. So you can leave after you tell your family if you need to. Just allow yourself that time afterwards, maybe you'll need to go for a walk, maybe you'll need to decompress, maybe you'll need to exercise, but just creating the space for self care before. And after. I also just invite you to be kind to yourself and compassionate because it's not easy to go against family's wishes, it feels very unnatural. So I invite you to be kind to yourself to offer yourself grace and compassion. Where you're doing isn't easy. So many of us never change family patterns. We just continue playing out patterns and family or being frustrated or never voicing our needs or concerns or how we're truly feeling. And so what you're doing his courageous, what you're doing is probably different for your family structure, you may be the first one, to be voicing this in a healthy way and a new way to be voicing your needs and what this is going to look like for you and your partner moving forward. So I just invite you to be kind to yourself during this process. Emotional conversations are really hard. And we don't talk about that enough. It takes a lot out of us. And it takes a lot to have them. So I just invite you to be kind and loving to yourself throughout this process. I hope something in this answer was helpful. Thank you so much for this question. I'm sending you so much love.
Amanda Durocher (Listener Question) 26:50
I've been in a relationship for two years. I love my boyfriend and many days I want to marry him and no, he's the one. But the problem we have is his family. His family is overbearing, and he doesn't stand up to them. They have no boundaries, and will come over to our house unannounced. And it drives me crazy. I don't think his mother likes me. And honestly, I don't like her either. But I really wish I did. I really wish we got along better and that we could be one happy family. But I don't see that ever being the case? Can my relationship work? Even if I do not like my boyfriend's family? Any advice? Thank you for this question. This is a great question. And I feel like many people can relate to this question and not getting along with their partner's family. So I think this is a great conversation for us to have. First, I want to say that I am sorry, you find yourself in this situation, I think that many of us dream of being one big happy family, as you mentioned. And that's not always the case, with family comes family dynamics, family patterns, different personalities, different relationships, how your boyfriend acts with you may be very different than he acts with his mother and how he is able to navigate both those and how you're able to navigate all those. There's a lot of different dynamics that play out when families are involved, and also when combining of families are involved. So changing these old dynamics can be difficult, especially if people are unconscious and aren't looking to look at these dynamics. So as I mentioned in the previous question, as somebody who is looking to heal as somebody's writing into this podcast, as somebody on their healing journey, it can be really hard to be the person who is conscious, it can be really hard to be the person who can even see the patterns playing out, you may be able to see the patterns that this family is playing out. You may even be able to see what's healthy and what's not healthy. And that can be really difficult. Because even though you can see it, it doesn't mean it's going to change it. So it's how can you create safety for yourself? How can you create boundaries for yourself? And how can you love yourself through this? Because yes, I believe that your relationship can work even if you don't like your partner's family. I believe that that will be up to you in the end. But I do believe that by beginning to look at these relationships, and what's triggering you and what's coming up for you, it will really help you to navigate the situation you find yourself in. So in this situation for you, I see a big opportunity for healing and growth. Sometimes family is a great way to see what triggers us as I've mentioned, and what still needs to be healed within us. I know in my own life that the people in my life that triggered me they were most often triggering my own inner wounding. And the more I sat with myself, and the more I dove into these triggers, the more I sat with these triggers, the more I healed up the wounding inside and I saw that so much that was triggering me on the outside was really rooted in beliefs from my past or beliefs from my childhood, the more that my relationships with people healed even without them ever knowing it. I didn't have to have conversations with most of these people about my triggers. I had to sit with myself and as I healed, they just stopped triggering me. So I'm going I want to invite you to look at your triggers before taking any actions. And it is an action to look at your triggers. And what I find is that if you go through this process of looking at your triggers and feeling the emotions attached to these triggers, you will be led to an action or you will feel different on the other end, because it sounds like you really love your boyfriend, and you really want to make it work. So I want to invite you to really dive into your inner world here. I think that this is a great opportunity for growth, I really think that the people that we can't get away from if for lack of a better word, the people who are in our lives for a reason were brought into our lives for a reason, if you can trust that everything in your life is for you, right, so everything happens for you for your greatest expansion, then I invite you to take this opportunity as a chance to grow and to see what would happen. If you dove into your inner world, instead of projecting into your outer world, the feelings you're having, it doesn't mean you won't have to take any actions, but I invite you to first go within. So what do I mean by this? I talked about this in the previous question, too. And so the next time you're triggered by one of your boyfriend's family members, let's say it's someone coming over to your house unannounced, I would invite you to become clear on why does that bother you? Because the answer to this question is actually going to be different for different people, it could be that they're interrupting you, or that it feels disrespectful, or that it feels like they're breaking your boundary. Or it could just trigger that your boyfriend doesn't stand up to them. So it could every time be like, Oh my gosh, my boyfriend never stands up to them. And that could be the trigger, more so than the fact that they're interrupting or disrupting your flow or whatever it may be, the trigger is going to be different for everyone. It may be similar, and there may be multiple, but you want to become clear on why does this really bother you? Then you're going to reflect on this. Why? Because if first the Why does with the other person, keep going? Keep asking yourself why? Why? Why? It's like a little kid asking why? Why? Why trying to always get more information? Because they're so curious. You want to become curious about your inner world. This is self awareness. And you want to ask yourself why? So maybe it's because it feels disrespectful? Why does it feel disrespectful? Because they're coming into my just asking yourself, why until maybe you reach a new insight? Are you reminded of a pattern from your childhood? Are you reminded of a feeling you've played out before? Is this trigger reminding you have other people? Is this trigger triggering a feeling? So is it just that you feel so angry when this arises? You want to continue to dive deep to become curious and to start seeing the picture from your inner world from your own inner perspective. Instead of saying, well, that person is doing blank, that person's always interrupting me. It's like, why does that bother you that they're always interrupting you? And maybe it's because I never get my own space? Boom? When did that originate? were you unable to get your own space? As a child? Did you always share a room? Did you never have anybody who respected your boundaries? When did that start? How did that feel. And so the next part is you want to connect to the feelings that are arising the feelings that are triggered. And you don't have to go into all the details of a memory, you just sometimes need to go to the past. So you can become clearer on the root like, oh, this actually started when I was five, you don't have to know everything about the first time or the first experience, you just want to become clear, try and find the root of where this originated, and connecting to the feelings and allowing those feelings up allowing those feelings to be witness like, Ah, this didn't make me angry. I'm very angry right now, talking to the feeling acknowledging it. So many of us try to shove our feelings down and deal with them later. But the action that you may be being asked to take is to feel your feelings. So this could keep triggering the same feeling to come up. But until you feel it, you actually won't know and have the clarity about how to handle this situation. This is a silly example from my life. But I used to live in Los Angeles and there was this dog that lived below me and it would bark all day. And I used to work from home even before the pandemic and this dog would bark like every day during my meditation practice. It drove me nuts. And then one day, I decided to bring that dog into my meditation practice and it became a part of my meditation practice to sit with the feelings that would arise when there's a dog would bark when I tried to sit down in silence, instead of projecting on the dog. Like if that dog if the owner of that dog of the building, you know, like everybody, I started to be like, Why am I so angry? This is making me angry, why am I angry and allowing whatever needed to arise to rise in that space? And I did this through meditation, I think you can do this through journaling, you can do this on walks with yourself, you can do this by talking out loud to yourself, finding ways to start processing your inner world. I think meditation and journaling are really helpful practices. These are two practices that you can do really anywhere. But just allowing yourself to begin to dive into why you feel the way you do. Again, with this dog, I used to call it yappy, I have no idea what its real name was, it would trigger different feelings. And eventually, after sitting with enough feelings and enough moments that would arise of being interrupted, or the anger that would arise some days, or the sadness or the not feeling like there was enough space for me like it was just always triggering different things. One day, the dog didn't bother me, did the dog still bark every day? Yes, it did. But I was able to sit in meditation, and tune that dog out. It just stopped bothering me. But I sat with that dog like every day for like a month, maybe longer and allowed myself to process my own inner world. And that all happened without me talking to the dog. So I invite you to do this with your boyfriend's family. Again, I gave the dog example. I've also done this exercise with so many people in my life, the people in my life don't know how much time I've spent meditating and sitting with how they make me feel and how that's often rooted in something from my childhood. But I invite you to begin to just allow these feelings up, it can feel really frustrating. And then just allow yourself to feel frustrated, journal out the frustration, and you will eventually start to get to the root, it's not going to happen in one day. It could you could have the first insight in a day because my guess is you're going to have a lot of triggers here. So it's not going to be one thing that's triggered, there's going to be a lot of different triggers. Because it sounds like his family comes over each person is going to be inviting you into your own inner world in different ways. As I mentioned, I invite you to become clear on what is bothering you and why keep getting curious until you can feel kind of like an aha moment. It's going to feel different for everyone. For me, it feels expansive when I get to that root, it feels like oh yeah, pay attention to what it feels like in your body. When you get your aha moments. Pay attention to your green flags, pay attention to your red flags, pay attention to what your body is always communicating to you. And if this is hard for you, I invite you to get in your body. Find ways to ground yourself, ground yourself in nature, ground yourself through exercise, ground yourself through yoga, ground yourself that will also help with this because your body is going to communicate when you reach those roots. Or when you feel those feelings or what feeling needs to be communicated. But so many of us are living outside of our bodies. So that's also my advice to you is if you're not already to find ways to get in your body. So you want to get in your body first, then you're gonna ask yourself why. And then you're going to see what arises, then you're going to feel the feelings that arise. Don't judge it. Don't attach stories to it. Don't overthink it. If you start swearing in your head, just allow it don't attach to it. Just allow it to move. Just allow yourself to move these feelings move anger through different processes like journaling moving you may need to throw something hitting a pillow can help. If it's sadness, allow yourself to cry, move to sad music, just allow these feelings up. And then you'll feel like it moved, you'll feel that something moved, you'll feel like the motion processed right to say you're angry. You'll know when you're done feeling the anger, anger often doesn't last that long. I recently had an experience where anger lasted for about four days, I'd never really had an experience like that. Normally, it lasts for like 15 minutes. But it usually doesn't last too long. I had something I had to really feel angry about. But I allowed that anger to be up for like four days, I was irritable. But I allowed it to be up I just allowed myself to be angry for four days, it was always simmering under the surface, I kept processing in different ways it kept moving, but it was always there. And then once it left, it was like this weight lifted because all that anger had been within me needing to be released. And what you'll find when you start healing, you start looking at your triggers, they're coming off in layers. So one thing will come off and then it allows another to arise. Your body is an intelligent system, your body is extremely intelligent is never going to give you everything at once. Your body wants to keep you safe, your body does not want to overwhelm you. But what's up right now may be extremely difficult. And the more we avoid our feelings and the thoughts and the patterns that are rising to be looked at, the more unbearable it can feel and that can move into depression when we ignore ourselves for too long. When we ignore those voices, and we try to numb ourselves it can lead to depression, which we'll also be talking about in December, because I have a lot to say about depression and I actually haven't done an episode on it yet. And I'm looking forward to diving deep into depression but I find when we don't do this work, it can lead to depression. When you move through this trigger cycle, you will often feel like something moved, you will know how that feels within your own body, you either feel neutral, feel expansive, or an insight and clarity will come. So when you allow yourself to maybe feel anger, you may have clarity and insight come in, I have to set this boundary, oh my gosh, I've been waiting for my boyfriend to set this boundary, but I have to be the one to set this boundary. Because in your situation, I think that may be the case. So if these people are coming to your house and interrupting your life, you may think your boyfriend will be the one to say something because oftentimes with our partners, family members, we want our partners to speak up because we don't want to be the bad guy. But the truth is, you may need to be the one to voice your boundary. And it may be heard better. I have found in the past with my boyfriend and his family, I thought that he would say everything that needed to be said. But I actually find when I say things that need to be said, One, I'm following my heart. But they're really heard because I'm not within the same family pattern. So his family can hear me say something more than they probably could hear him say it when I try to state a boundary, because the same family patterns aren't there. So it's much easier for them to hear it from me than to hear it from him, if that makes sense. So I do think for you, you're going to have to state some boundaries is either gonna have to be you or your partner. But through looking at your triggers, feeling the feelings attached, you will become clearer on what needs to be said and what needs to be done. Oftentimes, we are all so confused. But what we really need to do is the next step, and the step we are often avoiding is feeling the feelings and clarity is on the other side of feeling our feelings. I hope something in that answer was helpful. I totally understand how difficult this situation is for you. I believe it is an opportunity for growth. And I believe that that does not make it easy. But I do believe that you deserve an inner peace and you deserve to connect back to your own heart. And when people outside of us trigger us, it is a reflection oftentimes of something within us that is looking to be healed. And I hope I was able to offer you some advice today. And if you have any questions on that, please let me know. I'd love to go deeper into triggers and all of this in another episode. So thank you so much for this question. I am sending you so much love. Be kind to yourself as you're moving through this process. It's not easy when people around us are triggering us left and right. It can be easy to just avoid people who do that. But it also can be a real opportunity for growth when we allow ourselves to do the inner work. So thank you so much for this question. I'm sending you so much love today.
Amanda Durocher (Outro) 42:41
Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode of New View Advice. As always, I am so grateful to continue having these conversations with you. If you enjoy today's episode or any previous episodes or you are a fan of New View Advice, I invite you to subscribe to the podcast and leave a rating and review. You can do that through Apple podcasts. So you leave a rating and review by going to the episode page scrolling to the bottom, leaving a five star rating and a review. If you don't know what to leave for a review, you can leave the name of your favorite episode and then I will know which episodes are being enjoyed and I would love to dive deeper into each and every one of those topics. So thank you so much for tuning into today's episode. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. sending you all my love. See you next time.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai