54: How Porn Addiction Impacts Relationships

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Mar 1

Oftentimes when we discuss porn addiction, we only discuss it from the view point of the person dealing with porn addiction, but the truth is that porn addiction impacts the people in the relationships with those suffering from the addiction as well.

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In today's episode, I talk about what porn addiction is, how porn addiction impacts relationships, and I answer two questions: one from someone angry at their partner for being addicted to porn and another from someone trying to figure out how to move forward after learning about their partner's porn addiction and infidelity.

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Timestamps ⏱️

0:00 Intro
4:40 Teaching
14:27 Listener Question 1
26:15 Listener Question 2

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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher 0:00
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher. And I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started. Hey there beautiful souls. My name is Amanda and this is New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers you seek. I believe you have all the answers, you just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you for tuning into today's episode. Today we are talking about porn addiction, and specifically how porn addiction affects and impacts romantic partnerships. So today, I am answering two questions from listeners who have recently found out that their partners struggle with porn addiction, and they have a lot of feelings about it. So today, we will be discussing it from the partners point of view. But if anybody out there with porn addiction wants to reach out with a question, I would love to cover the other side of this as well. I did a lot of research before today's episode, and I was really interested in this topic, because I've actually received many questions from people with porn addiction. And I've worked one on one with people who struggle with having a partner who has porn addiction, and how this really does impact relationships and how this addiction ends up affecting both parties of the relationship. So the person who has the addiction and the person who is also in the relationship with somebody who's addicted. And I did some research before today's episode and porn addiction is actually not diagnoseable. So it's not in the DSM, which is the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. So this is the official book of diagnoses that psychologists, psychiatrists and other professionals use to diagnose people. So porn addiction isn't actually diagnoseable. And there's actually much debate around porn addiction. So some people think it's a real addiction. Some people believe it's not a real addiction. Some people believe that it's a coping strategy. Other people believe that people only think it's an addiction because they feel guilt, from their religion or from their partners, etc. And I thought this was really interesting, because I personally believe anything can be an addiction. So when we are trying to figure out if our behaviors or our coping strategies are addictions, I think what we really just need to simplify it to is, is this behavior? Or is this substance? Or is this coping strategy negatively impacting my life, or the lives of my loved ones. And I think it can be just as simple as that. And so I think porn can definitely be an addiction. And I think porn addiction is a real addiction, just like you can be addicted to alcohol, You can be addicted to weed, You can be addicted to shopping, you can be addicted to sex, You can be addicted to porn. And I think that it's important for us to de stigmatize this addiction because it's a real addiction. So in the introduction, today, I'm going to talk a bit about porn addiction, because I found some interesting statistics I wanted to share because there are a lot of people watching porn. So about a third of internet searches are porn related. And to me that like blew my mind, because we use the internet every day. Like I use it for everything in my business, I use it for social media, I use it to talk to my friends, I use the internet for a million different reasons. Personally, I don't watch porn. So it's that's not one of them. But a third of all internet searches in the United States. And let me repeat that statistic is for the United States alone. I'm not sure about other countries, but in the United States are porn related. So to me, that tells me Yeah, we probably do have a porn problem, just like how we have an alcohol problem in this country. And we have a drug problem in this country. I think there's also a porn problem in this country. And I think that it makes sense because many people turn to porn or sex for the endorphins for the happiness of an orgasm. And that's something you can definitely get addicted to. And I think that when we are feeling depressed or anxious, we turn to coping strategies, and those coping strategies can escalate. And so today, we're going to talk about two relationships where the porn addiction escalated to a point of cheating, and how that addiction has negatively impacted the lives of those with the addiction and also of the partners. So as I mentioned, I'm just going to give a quick overview of porn addiction. Before we dive in, I'm gonna give some statistics I found and talk about how porn addiction can negatively impact relationships in case this is something you're struggling with. You can see if maybe some of these ways are affecting your relationship right now. And also so we can be on the same page when we dive into answering the two questions in today's episode. So let's get started.
Amanda Durocher 4:40
So for today's episode, I wanted to start with talking a bit about porn addiction so we can all be on the same page. So as I mentioned here, when I talk about addiction, some people may use the word compulsion. Some people may use the word fetish, but when we talk about addiction here, we're going to be talking about something that negatively impacts your life, and how we continue to use it, even though it is negatively impacting our life or the life of those around us. And we see the negative impact. But we continue to do this behavior anyway. Because I don't think we have to overcomplicate addiction personally, because I actually found the over complication of what was alcohol addiction actually kept me drinking longer. So there's so many articles about what classifies you as an alcoholic on the internet. And when I was trying to Google, if I had a drinking problem, I was coming across all these really extreme examples. And there were all these quizzes and tests and articles, saying that what I struggled with was an alcohol addiction. And it actually kept me drinking longer, but also kept you in more shame because I struggled to find people who lived with the same situation I lived in. So for me, I've just found that when we talk about addiction, or coping strategies, or whatever word you really want to use, what we're looking at is, is this behavior negatively impacting your life, and addictions live on a spectrum? I don't think we can take a quiz and say, if you have an addiction or not, I think it's really you looking in the mirror, and asking yourself if this behavior is negatively impacting you. And if you're ready for change? And if you're asking yourself the question, is this behavior negatively impacting me? The answer is likely yes. Because if it's not negatively impacting you, you're likely not to self reflect on that question. So if you find that some of these behaviors you're doing, such as watching porn has having negative impacts on your sex life, having negative impacts on your relationship is keeping you from doing other things that you want to be doing is keeping you from creating or being present with your partner or with your family. These are things to start reflecting on in your own relationship. Or if you have a partner who struggles with watching a lot of porn and you're wondering if they have an addiction, you may want to ask them if they feel as though this porn watching is negatively impacting their life or the life of those around them. And so I believe porn addiction is a real addiction. As I mentioned in the intro, there's much debate around it. So for anyone out there who may be struggling, because people are telling them, it's not a real addiction, I want you to know that I believe You can be addicted to anything. It really just depends if these things are negatively impacting your life or not. And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with having an addiction. The first step, I'm pretty sure the first step of the 12 steps is admitting you have a problem. And I know in my life, anytime I am using a coping strategy that's not serving me, the first step is admitting I have a problem. So I just want to send love to anybody out there struggling with porn addiction, or who knows somebody struggling with porn addiction, because all addictions stem from a place of wounding. So oftentimes, we're trying to cover up negative emotions, anxiety, depression, childhood trauma. I know with porn addiction, there's a complicated layer, of some people who struggle with porn addiction have experienced sexual trauma, there is a stigma there and a trauma response there with the porn they choose to watch, or they have a sexual wound that needs to be looked at. And so I send love to anybody out there who's struggling with that, because for anybody who's new here, I am a survivor of sexual trauma. So I have a lot of empathy and understanding about how those traumas can have very big ripple effects. So I just want everybody to know that if you struggle with porn addiction, or somebody you know, struggles with porn addiction, there's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with anyone out there. By the way, I think we are so harsh on the world we live in, everyone is doing the best they can, in most people are coming at life from a wounded place. And if you're here on your healing journey, I want to commend you for your bravery. Because you're doing work most people aren't willing to do, you are doing work that most people are too terrified to do is the truth. And most people ignore for as long as possible. And some people go to the grave and never become self reflective. But what I found throughout my own journey is the more self reflective I come, the more I come home to myself, and the more peace I feel and the more connected to life I feel. And every layer I unravel helps me to come back to the present moment, which is where life really is. So that was a bit of a tangent. So I wanted to give some signs and symptoms of porn addiction, because I thought this might be helpful. So some signs and symptoms that you may be struggling with porn addiction is if you're using porn for a longer amount of time than you intended or more often than you intended or you feel a compulsive need. And you always find yourself thinking about porn. Another classic sign of an addiction is if you've tried to stop but you find that you can't stop and you may need professional help. You may be having trouble controlling your porn issue. So oftentimes addictions escalate because at one point we're able to control it and we're able to dip our toes in and out of using a substance or behavior or a coping strategy and as we become reliant on it, depend on it in order for it to give us that high, so those endorphins or that release of anxiety, or that release of depression, or whatever it may be, we become more and more dependent on it, and then we're unable to control it. That's a sign that your porn addiction may be something that it's time to look at. Another sign or symptom is if you're continuing to use porn, despite the negative effects that's having on your life, on your work or on your relationships. So one of the main effects of porn addiction, which is what today's episode is focused on, is that porn addiction can affect your romantic relationships and can really affect all relationships. So this can happen for many reasons. But what happens when we have any sort of addiction is oftentimes there becomes a disconnect between our relationships because of this addiction, because there's usually many feelings that are too difficult to express. So for example, if you feel shame around your addiction, or you feel secrecy around this addiction, it causes a disconnect between you and your relationships, because you are unable to speak about it. So it causes you to almost put up a wall in order to protect this addiction, because you're not ready to give it up or you're not ready to give up this behavior, or this coping strategy or this compulsion, whatever word you want to use today. And because of this wall, it creates a disconnect in your relationships, because your shame is creating a wall around you. But it's not a protective wall, it's really a defensive wall. And it can get bigger and bigger, the more that this becomes a burden that you are carrying. Other ways this can affect your intimate relationships is that it can affect your sex life, it may affect your ability to have sex and may affect you wanting to have sex and may affect your physical relationship. Also, there is a correlation between porn addiction and infidelity. Because I've seen that in the questions that I've received. And also in some people I've worked with, that this porn addiction can escalate to actually seeking sex or a relationship outside of your romantic partnership. So I also just wanted to share a few statistics I found about porn addiction as well. I found these from the recovery village.com. So I will link this in the show notes at New View Advice.com/ 54. In case you want to do some more research, I will link the websites I used in my research for this episode. So three statistics I wanted to share are one 1/3 of internet downloads in the US are related to porn. To me, that's huge. People are downloading stuff all day. I don't want stuff for work all day, I download movies, I download music I download so much and everybody does so many of our lives are connected to the internet. And a third of those downloads are porn related. And so that just shows you how much porn is used. And so about 25% of internet searches, or 68 million searches a day are porn searches. So one out of every four searches is porn related. Again, that's huge to me, I use the internet all day for about everything I do. I use it for anything I search, and 25% of internet searches are porn related. So I just want to share that because if you think that your household is unique to a porn problem, porn is a very big industry, obviously. And it's also very widely used across the United States. And I just want to preface that the stats are for the United States. So if you're outside the US, you can look into your country stats, but for this episode, we're just using statistics from the United States. And the last statistic I want to share is about a half of American families said porn use was a problem in their homes. So again, that's 50% of households. That's a really, really big number. And that's a really prevalent thing that once again, as we talked about on this podcast isn't being talked about. Right? So porn use is something that's covered in shame because it's lives in secrecy. And we're not talking about how many people are using porn and how this porn use may be negatively affecting relationships. So I just wanted to give that overview of porn addiction. I hope somebody found that helpful. And if you've been feeling alone with porn addiction or alone and being the only one who has a partner struggle with porn addiction, I think this is much more common than we all think. I have received many questions on this topic, which lets me know that this is a real issue that many people are struggling with. And I also know people in my own life who have struggled with partners who have porn addiction. So I just want you to know you're not alone and that this is something that we can continue to talk about here. And I'm sending you so much love as you and your partner continue to heal and let's jump into question one.
Amanda Durocher 14:27
I recently found out my husband has been struggling with porn addiction. I found out because he use my computer to watch porn and to have sexual conversations via internet chat. I confronted him and he came clean that he's been struggling with porn addiction for quite some time. He said he started watching when he was a teenager and it just got worse from there. Since then he has started therapy and told his family about his addiction. He's working to be a better husband and is open to discussing the addiction with me. But the problem is I am so angry and struggling to forgive. I feel like he's getting better. And I'm just getting worse. I'm so angry and don't know what to do any advice? Thank you so much for this question. I just want to send you so much love. This is a difficult thing you are moving through. And I just want to thank you for your vulnerability asking this question, I want you to know that all your feelings are valid, you do not have to deal with this gracefully. This is something that is hard. And I'm so sorry that you have found yourself here. And I'm so sorry that you feel so angry. And I just sent you so much love. So I want to first start with how you said you feel like he's getting better. And you're getting worse. From this question. It sounds like your husband has admitted he has a problem. And he's getting help. So he has a therapist, and he's told his family, which it sounds like he was holding on to the secret for a long time. And it sounds to me, I'm not sure. But from this question, it sounds to me that you may be carrying the secret now. So from this question, it doesn't sound like you're getting the help you may need. So my first piece of advice is that I think you need to get help. I think you need to find a therapist or start talking to your own friends and family. Because what it sounds like to me which can happen in these type of situations with addictions is that your partner shame is now your shame. So now you feel the shame of your partner's addiction. Now you feel like it's something shameful, or something you don't want to talk about, or something that feels like a shameful secret within your relationship. This can happen with cheating as well, where the person who cheated in a relationship carries the shame. And then they transfer that shame to the person who was cheated on. And then the person who cheated feels so much better, because they feel like oh, relief, I can talk about this now, or the person who was cheated on now carries that shame, and they feel like they can't talk about it. So my first piece of advice is that I really think you need to get help. And I think that this is important for step for so many people on their journey of healing, and also their journey of healing relationships that a romantic partnership may need help, you may need to talk about what's going on in your relationship in a safe space in order to become a better partner. And I think that so many people think that you just have to figure it out and battle it out with your partner. But the truth is that many of us weren't taught how to be good partners, because our parents didn't have a great marriage, our parents got divorced, because we didn't have a good example growing up about what a healthy relationship was. So we need to learn how to do that. And we don't learn that in schools. So we have to learn that through going to a professional and learning how to communicate and also learning that it's okay to have all our feelings. And this leads me to the second thing I want to discuss, which is the anger you're feeling. So before I dive into anger, I do want to mention that I recently did a whole episode on anger, where I dive into different ways where you can process your anger in healthy ways and how anger is not something we have to be afraid of. But I want to also talk about it here because I think that your anger is valid. Your anger is trying to tell you something. And it's important for you not to bottle up and shove down your anger. Because you're not going to forgive your partner and you're not going to move past this, you're just going to become more and more resentful. If you don't allow yourself to feel that anger, your trust was betrayed. And somebody you trusted broke that trust, that is always going to make us feel angry. And so I just invite you to embrace that anger for a little bit. Because you may find it difficult to talk to your partner right now because you feel so angry, which to me is saying that you need to feel this anger. And so I don't know, if you still live with your partner, I don't know if you have the opportunity to maybe go stay at a family's house, a friend's house or in a hotel for a few days so that you can process some of this feelings. Or if your partner maybe goes to work, and you can process it during the day, but you have to start feeling this anger. Because your anger is going to help you decide what to do because you asked What should I do. And this anger is going to help you to see what your next steps are. And so it's important for you to feel this anger because you said you're struggling to forgive which it sounds like you want to forgive your partner, you want to continue this relationship, but you're not going to be able to forgive until you feel your anger until you process your anchor. I also want us all to get comfortable with understanding that forgiveness doesn't happen overnight. It's okay to tell somebody I'm working towards forgiving you. Because so many people I talked to are like, Oh, but I said I forgive them. But then I took it back. You can't take back real forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the resentment you are carrying. We don't forgive for other people we forgive for ourselves so we no longer carry the burdens of the past. So we no longer carry the heavy feelings and the shame and the guilt and the anger. Forgiveness is letting that go. I say the Oprah quote a lot where she talks about forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different. And how do we do that we feel a lot of emotions. We feel all the emotions were so used to bottling up or feel a lot of emotions we've never had before and that's okay. Forgiveness often involves a grieving process. We have to grieve what we thought existed. So in your state jubilation, finding out your husband had a porn addiction probably involves you grieving the relationship you thought you had. Because it may all feel like a lie to you now, knowing that he was struggling with this porn addiction for I don't know how long but throughout your marriage, and that's okay. And that's an important step for you. And I did an episode with Andrea Giles recently, Episode 51, where she talks about how, when something like this happens when infidelity happens, or when a moment like this, like finding out your partner struggles with porn addiction happens, we have to grieve the old relationship to make room for the new one. And one of the steps of the grieving process is anger. So I just want you to know that yes, you are angry, and that is okay. There's nothing wrong with where you are. And I promise this will pass. So many of us get stuck in the heavier motions, because we think they will last forever. I promise you, this will not last forever. And the more you allow yourself to process and feel your anger, and feel how unfair this all was, the sooner you will get to the other side of this, which might be another difficult emotion, or you may find some peace. But you have to allow yourself to feel that anger and you have to come into relationship with your anger, because your anger is yours, it's a part of you looking for attention. And the more you ignore it, the louder it's probably going to get unless you bottle it up, and you put it in a box. But do you know what happens when we bought all of our emotions, and we put them in a box, and we leave them somewhere within us to be dealt with for another day. Or another year, we disconnect ourselves from ourselves. And we begin to feel disconnected with life. And our ability to love and to feel deeply and to connect with life becomes harder and harder. So what I also want to mention with this anger and forgiveness is that I want to invite you to reflect on if some of this anger is at yourself. So you may feel really, really angry at your husband. But I also invite you to reflect on are you angry at yourself? Were there red flags you ignored? Are you angry at yourself for giving away your trust? Are you angry at yourself for not seeing this sooner? Are you angry at yourself for still loving your husband. And it's not that you shouldn't love your husband, or it's not that you were to blame. But many times we feel these feelings and then we feel shame and guilt for feeling them. So you may be angry at yourself for still loving your husband and then angry at yourself for being angry at yourself for still loving your husband. And then it just creates this endless cycle where the truth is you just have to allow yourself to be like, Yeah, I'm angry that I still love him. And then when you allow yourself to feel that anger, you're like, Yeah, of course, I still love him, there were so many good times in there too. And that anger is also showing me that my trust was broken, and that my heart is broken, and that I don't know what to do. And all I have is anger. So I'm just gonna allow myself to sit here and feel it. And feeling anger is uncomfortable. And so I invite you to write about your anger, to paint about your anger, to go out in nature and express your anger, throw some rocks in a river or push against a tree. But anger wants to be moved and expressed. And we are all so afraid of our anger here. And your anger is an accelerator. It's an accelerator of showing you what you need to do next. So many of us live life and we're like, what am I supposed to be doing? I don't know. I'm just gonna keep doing what I did yesterday, when anger comes in. It's like, No, we're going to do something new today, I'm going to show you something else. And a lot of us are so afraid of that. Change is inevitable. And oftentimes, the hardest things in our life are the greatest reward lives. And the hardest experiences we feel bring us home to ourselves. So I just invite you to look at this anger in a new way and to embrace it. Because I just want you to know that there's nothing wrong with you that it's okay, you're angry. And I'm so sorry that you're looking at your partner like why is he getting better and I'm getting worse. It's part of the healing. And there'll be a time when you're better and he's worse. And it's part of being a relationship. We're not always on even footing. And it's okay. It's all okay. But my biggest piece of advice for you are one to find an outlet, find somebody to talk about this with. So if you don't feel like somebody in your life is a safe space, I invite you to find a professional, find a therapist, find a coach, find somebody who you can talk about this with. Because you will probably find that just talking about this helps you to relieve some of this anger as well, because you have bottled it up and I bet there's a part of you really freaking angry that your partner feels better and you feel worse. And that's valid. Everything you feel is valid. That's okay that you feel that way. Now, it's what you do from that place. That is the next step. So are you going to be really mean to your partner because you feel that way? Are you going to get help? Are you going to spend time with yourself? Are you going to learn how to be in good relationship with yourself. That's the question I have for you. And what the forgiveness forgiveness comes over time, as I mentioned. So my advice for forgiveness is to start feeling those feelings and forgiveness will come in time. And after you allow yourself to feel your feelings, it sounds like your partner is open to discussion, talk about how you're feeling with your partner. Now, don't yell about your anger, but maybe express to him that you are feeling angry, and you're having a hard time with that anger. So you're not ready to talk about certain things. Or maybe he's open to just hearing you talk about some of this. So I just invite you to explore healthy communication, to feel that anger and to find somebody to talk more about this with because I think as I mentioned, with porn addiction, so much shame is involved. And it sounds like your partner's shame was kind of transferred to you. Because now he feels free to talk about it. And so he no longer feels that secrecy. But it sounds like you're now living with those secrets. And that is really difficult. The more you talk about it, the more you allow yourself to be free of that shame, the better you will feel and likely the less angry you will feel. So I hope something in this answer was helpful. I'm sending you so much love, and I promise life will get better. And I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this really difficult situation. But I promise on the other side of heartbreak is healing. And that's beautiful. So thank you so much for this question I'm sending you so much love.
Amanda Durocher 26:15
I recently caught my boyfriend cheating on me with a trans woman. I know that cheating is cheating. But I feel that the fact that this is a trans woman is opening another box of questions for my healing process. He says that he fell into a rabbit hole of pornography and has been digesting trans pornography a lot. Since our breakup, he has stated multiple times that he wants to be with me marry me and create a life together. He has started therapy and says he wants space to heal and grow separately. We have recently gone no contact and I'm trying to focus on myself but I can't. Is this relationship something that can be healed? Or should I move on? Thank you for this question. So much here. I am so sorry that you were dealing with this and I sent you so much love as you continue to navigate the situation. And thank you for your vulnerability asking this question. First. As always, if you've listened to my podcast, is this relationship something that can be healed? Or should you move on is only a question that you know the answer to? I cannot give you the answer to that question. But I will try to help and guide you with some self reflective questions that may help you to make your own decision. So I believe that every situation is different. And so that this will be a individual choice for you. And that it's up to you if this relationship can be healed, or if you want to move on, and there is no right answer. So either way, it's just fine. If you choose to forgive your partner heal and grow in a new relationship, great. If you choose to move on, that's great, too. So I just want to take the pressure off the table, I really believe there is no right or wrong choice. So I first want to refer to the trans woman part of the question that you mentioned that you said that it's opening up another box of questions for your healing process. I think that that is totally understandable. And I think that again, that this is something you need to self reflect on, what does it mean to you that he cheated on you with a trans woman? Because from your question, it sounds like it has opened up a different part of this for you. And maybe it would have felt different if he cheated with someone else. This is something that you have to take the time to reflect on. Because the answers you get from the questions of what does it mean that he cheated with a trans woman is going to be different for everyone. So for you, I invite you to explore that deeper. And this sounds like a complex situation. And it sounds like again, like the previous question, it sounds like he is getting help to work through this. And I want to invite you to also seek help. Sometimes we don't feel like we need help when our partners are moving through something. But I think it's very important that you get professional help to work through this as well, because this is a complex issue, and you're obviously struggling with it. And it's important for you to talk through this in a safe environment. So finding a non judgmental and safe place for you to discuss, this will be really important for you on your healing journey, I believe because it sounds like you're moving through a lot. So with the trans woman part, I also just want to say that I think that this is a great example of how we can put judgments on ourselves for having certain thoughts. And if this feels like an extra layer for you, then it is an extra layer. And it may not be an extra layer for someone else. But it is for you trust that in your gut that yeah, this is something real for me. And this is bringing up more stuff for me. And this is more I have to heal and look at. I think a lot of times we judge our thoughts and maybe sometimes we think that we shouldn't have those thoughts, which just delays the looking at the reflecting the self awareness and the healing part of that. So it's okay, if that adds an extra layer for you. So I just wanted to mention that because trust your gut, trust how you're feeling and allow yourself to explore that more deeply because you won't be able to heal and forgive and move past this until you allow yourself to truly see all of it because that's the truth about the healing journey is that we can't bypass and we can't half ass. And we can't pretend to ourselves that we're fully healed. Because your body will tell you if it is or not. And your body will continue to hold on to that which you have not moved through and healed. So you may heal half of it and tell yourself you're fully healed. And then a layer may arise later. And that's just how it's going to be because your body is holding on to everything that you need to look at, in order to be your fullest and most authentic self. So before I offer some self reflective and journal prompts to help you decide what you want to do moving forward, I do want to say that it sounds like you two are broken up at the moment. So he asked to grow separately, and you are going no contact. And so what I want to say about that is I think it's important for you to focus on yourself, then. And I know you said that you're trying to focus on yourself. And it's hard. But I think that leaving the door open of is this relationship going to be healed or not, is what's keeping you in limbo. And so I think it's important for you to decide what you want, because going no contact and then coming back later may be the right choice for you. But sometimes I think in that situation, you need to decide that it's over. And then maybe you to come back together later. And you trust that if it's meant to be it's meant to be. But by leaving yourself in limbo, it sounds like you're just causing yourself distress. And if he has to go non contact to me, that's a breakup. If I'm fully honest, you can't keep somebody on the hook. Like that's how it feels to me is that he wants to grow separately, he wants no contact with you. But yet he wants to marry you. That's not fair. that's holding you in limbo. That's not fair. You need to for your own healing, decide if you want to work through this relationship together and what that looks like, which may be time apart. But you both understand that you're working to grow in your relationship, or you need to choose to fully let this go. Because the No Contact thing to me feels unhealthy because it's holding you, like I said on a hook. And you're not able to move forward because you don't know what the future is. And I think here you have to choose, are you working to forgive, heal and grow together? Or are you choosing to move forward and heal and forgive on your own. But I invite you to really reflect on if this no contact yet talking about marriage thing is serving you. So that's my first thing for you to reflect on would be is your current situation and how you two have set it up? With no contact yet planning to get back together? Is that serving you? Is that what's best for you. And it's okay if it's what's best for him, but not what's best for you. Because right now, it's important for you to choose View. And many times in relationships, it is important for us to choose us because when we show up for ourselves, we are able to show up as better partners. And so for you, you have to decide what is going on what is best for you. And some other questions that you can reflect on are do you think you can forgive him and move forward in a relationship together? Are you willing to grieve the relationship you had to make room for a new relationship? Does your inner child trust this person. And my advice for connecting with your inner child is I have an inner child meditation on my YouTube channel that I will link in the show notes at UVU advice.com/ 54. And you can listen to this meditation and bring this question forward. Does your inner child want to forgive this person right now? Because maybe they don't, maybe they're not ready to trust this guy again. And that's okay.
We also have to understand that people come into our lives, and they are not meant to be there forever. You will not be born in this world and then die with all the same people in your life. People come and go and some people come into our life just to teach us lessons. And that's okay. That's part of what it is to be human, that we are here to help each other grow. And it's not always pretty. And that's okay. And involves a grieving process and involves letting go of our expectations for the future of what we thought the future would look like. But that's okay. Again, it's part of being human. Life throws us wrenches all the time. And it's learning how to flow with life rather than resist life. So I invite you to reflect on that. I invite you to really reflect on if you decide to stay Why are you staying? Are you staying out of fear, love? Is it because you love this person? You know that he would be a great partner and you want to make it work? Or are you staying because you fear life without him? Are you saying because you don't know what life would be without him and that scares you? Why are you staying? And again if you decide to leave, are you leaving just because you're angry right now? Or are you leaving because you love yourself enough to let this go and to focus on yourself a little bit. So I invite you to really get reflective on why you're mad. making the choices you're making. And how you're going to do that is by journaling. I invite you to buy a journal if you don't have one, and to spend a week, a month, a couple hours journaling about how you feel. Allow yourself to unfilter Write your thoughts down. I can't believe how many people I watch a journal, and they're mostly in their head, and they won't just put the pen to paper, I invite you to start just writing whatever's in your head. And what you could be writing is I hate doing this, Amanda told me I have to write all my thoughts. But this is so stupid, just start writing. Because what you will find is that the more you write, the more that you will be able to read back your writing, and see things that are harder to see when they're only in your head. And by journaling, you're moving energy, you're moving those emotions, and you're able to see your next step. So I invite you to begin journaling. I invite you to begin meditating, that's a beautiful practice to connect back with yourself. And I invite you to find a safe space to explore this issue deeper. What you are moving through is a real wound. And I'm so sorry that you're moving through this. But it is a real wound and it's not just your partner's wound anymore. And it's important for you to find a safe space to explore this. It's okay to explore your emotions. It's okay to explore your inner world. So many people are so afraid of that because they just don't know how to do it and finding somebody to help you with that could be really helpful for you on your healing journey. I hope something in this answer was helpful. If you have a follow up question, please reach out. As always, I love hearing from everyone so you can reach me in my DMs on Instagram or you can email me at newviewadvice@gmail.com. But I hope something was helpful here and I'm sending you so much love as you continue to heal. Be kind to yourself as you move through this. This is not easy what you're moving through. And so it's so important for you to find ways to relax and relax your nervous system and find ways to ground and calm yourself because these feelings are heavy and it can be easy to try and cover up these feelings because they're so hard. So it's important for you to find ways to relax as you move through this difficult time. Thank you so much for this question I am sending you so much love
Outro 37:13
thank you for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. As always, I am so grateful to have these conversations with you each week. I hope you learned something new in this episode or found something helpful in this conversation. If you have any questions I would love to invite you to reach out and write in your question you so you can write a question at newview advice.com/question or you can reach me at email at newviewadvice@gmail.com. Thank you again for tuning in to another episode of nouveau advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through sending you all my love. See you next time
Transcribed by https://otter.ai