97: I Am Afraid to Put Myself Out There: Fear of Abandonment & Embracing Courage & Vulnerability

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Apr 17

In this episode we dive into the fear of putting yourself out there and the fear of abandonment, and how to begin to identify the root causes for these fears and how to heal. I answer a listener question from someone who enjoys being alone, but still struggles to put themselves out into the world authentically.

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They desire connection, but fear being left all alone or unaccepted. I discuss abandonment and how it is often connected to self-abandonment, and how these moments throughout our life can leave an impact on us and our hearts. My intention is to help you to see that vulnerability can be scary, but it’s also really courageous. You deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin. My hope is that through this episode you see your own bravery and feel inspired to be yourself. There’s no one like you and you deserve to express yourself in your own unique way.

Journal Prompts 📝

Check out the Fear of Abandonment Journal Prompts or fill out the below form for the complete list of journal prompts.

Recommended Episodes 🎙️

Book Recommendation 📚

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by: Brene Brown

Timestamps ⏱️

Introduction: 00:15
Question: 01:45
Outro: 24:21

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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started. Hey, beautiful soul. This is Amanda Durocher, and welcome to New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers you seek. I believe you have all the answers.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:25]:
You just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you so much for joining me for today's episode. Today, I will be discussing the fear of putting ourselves out there and the fear of abandonment. Do you find it hard to be yourself in social situations, or do you struggle to put yourself out there, or do you find that you filter yourself or change yourself in different social situations? In this episode, I answer a listener question from someone who enjoys being alone, but still struggles to put themselves out in the world authentically. They desire connection, but fear being left all alone or unaccepted. Throughout this episode, I discuss abandonment and how it is often connected to self abandonment, and how these moments throughout our life can leave an impact on us and our hearts. My intention is to help you to see that vulnerability can be scary, but it's also really courageous. You deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:09]:
My hope is that through this episode, you see your own bravery and feel inspired to be yourself. There's no one like you, and you deserve to express yourself in your own unique way. Before we jump into the episode, I just always like to put a reminder up here that if you haven't already, you can check out my website, newviewadvice.com, for more free resources including journal prompts, meditations, and more. For this episode, I will be adding journal prompts on my website for healing the abandonment wound, and you'll be able to find those at newviewadvice.com/97. So with that, let's jump on into talking about the fear of abandonment and the fear of putting ourselves out there. Dear Amanda, thank you so much for your podcast. It has been so helpful for me along my own healing journey. I'm writing in because I've been noticing that I struggle to be myself.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:53]:
When I'm alone, I feel like I'm happy and I'm all of me. But when I go out in the world, I filter myself. I find that the idea of being all of me is honestly a bit terrifying. I struggle to see why this is. I think I'm pretty great, but when I go out with friends or on dates, I've been single for quite some time. I'm just not entirely myself. I prefer being alone, and I think this is okay. But the more I self reflect, the more I see that I fear that I'm too much for people.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:14]:
I fear that people won't like me when I just show up and don't try so hard. As I type this, I realize I hold back my opinions. I also filter myself, afraid of saying the wrong thing. In In a world where it feels like everyone is so quick to judge, how do I show up authentically and unfiltered anyways? What a great question. Thank you so much for this question. I know so many people can relate to how you feel. I know I can relate to how you feel. And I wanna honor all the self awareness you have here.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:39]:
I talk about it a lot here on the podcast, but so often awareness is the first step. And it sounds like you've struggled with this for a while, but are now aware of it. And we can't change that which we are unaware of. So I think this is a great first step that you're even seeing this. You're seeing this difference between when you're alone and how you feel and how you feel when you go out in the world. I remember when I first noticed this in my own life, I was in a meditation, and I saw this image of when I was out in the world, I had this huge cloak on, and it was dark and it was heavy. And when I came home, I would take that cloak off, and I would feel so free and light. And that was the first time I really saw, oh, wow.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:16]:
I do. I go out in the world and I feel different. So I just wanna honor again that I think awareness is such a great first step here. And from your question, it really sounds like you struggle with being vulnerable, being you, being all of you, and knowing that it's safe to be yourself. I too have struggled with this. I, for so long, was so afraid to be myself. I had this fear of being abandoned, which it sounds like you can relate to as well since you mentioned fearing that people will leave you. You know, I think so many of us have a fear of abandonment.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:44]:
If you don't, that's awesome. But I think it's so human to fear being alone, being left behind, or leaving others behind. That fear of isolation is so often connected to the fear of abandonment. So many of us have had moments throughout our life where we were abandoned in times of need or in times of vulnerability. Very often when this happens, we then chained ourselves to fit in with the group, the pack, the family, society. We are inherently designed as humans to connect with one another. So the idea of being left all alone is terrifying and heartbreaking. An example of how this could happen in childhood would be that say you were a child and you were crying and you went to a parent for help.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:25]:
And instead of consoling you or offering you compassion, the parent yelled at you. In this moment, your child self may have taken on the belief that it's not safe to cry and then began filtering their sadness, not embracing it, or hiding away and dealing with their hard feelings alone. This is one way we can experience abandonment. I give this example because I think that when it comes to abandonment, so many people think that it has to be that a parent left you or somebody really left you in your life to experience those feelings of abandonment. But I think that the small moments, like the one I just described, also can trigger those feelings of abandonment. Because in that moment of need for that child, that child needed to be consoled. They needed to know it was okay to have all their feelings. They were abandoned.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:06]:
Their parents said, nope. We're not doing that. No. And that child was shunned and scolded. And that creates that feeling of isolation inside rather than connection. So when looking at the abandonment wound, it's not just looking at moments when people left. It's looking at moments where you felt isolated, where you felt like being you wasn't okay. Your fear, you mentioned here, is the fear of being left alone because you show up authentically.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:32]:
That's such a real fear. That's so authentic. I feel that in my bones cause I've been there. I still struggle with that at times. And these fears are created because of moments where we were not accepted fully. An example from my own life that I thought of while outlining this episode and that I've honestly been reflecting on for the past year would be that when I was a teenager, this is like a quick little story. But when I was a teenager, I tried to throw a party and there was alcohol at it. And my mom and my neighbor found out that there was going to be booze at it.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:02]:
I think I was 14 or 15 at the time. And so they went through all the other kids' bags and they took all the booze and they called everybody's parents to say this was gonna be a booze party. You can come pick up your kid's alcohol. So I was not only left hosting an embarrassing and booze less party, I also was the reason so many kids ended up getting in trouble or having to have uncomfortable conversations with their own parents. So looking at this, not a big deal. You'd think I'd recover. But afterwards, none of these kids would talk to me. I was deemed uncool, and I went from having a bunch of kids to sit with that lunch to having no one to sit with that lunch.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:37]:
And I ended up eating my lunch in the bathroom by myself. I would spend those 20 minutes or however long lunch was wandering the halls hoping that that time would end because I had nobody to sit with. And that was so incredibly heartbreaking for my teenage self. You know, I had gotten these other kids in trouble, and they were mad at me. They would call me cruel names and whisper about me behind my back. 1 of the my neighbors blamed me for her getting in trouble and she was cruel. She was cruel to me, you know, and it was really, really hard, and I felt abandoned. I couldn't talk about it at home.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:10]:
My brother constantly made fun of me for it, and my parents were livid with me. They had zero empathy or sympathy for me. I was the bad kid. I did a bad thing. Again, I felt abandoned. I had already struggled in friendships for quite some time, and this felt like the nail in the coffin. I felt so alone and devastated. I share this story because this is an experience I've reflected on time and time again, and what I now see is that not only was I abandoned by my peers, my family, and everyone who heard about the terrible thing I did, I also self abandoned.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:41]:
I abandoned myself in my time of need. And I think so many times when we are healing from the fear of abandonment and healing from the abandonment wound, we have to be honest with ourself about the times we have abandoned ourselves. In the example with the child being yelled at for having feelings, the child abandons themselves by no longer remaining connected to their feelings and their real experience. They begin to turn away from themselves. They begin to judge their own feelings. This is obviously unconscious and not the fault of the child, but it's important when healing the abandonment wound and healing from the fear of abandonment to see how we played a role in the abandonment. And how by playing a role what I really mean is that we created a belief in that moment that we have continued to play out. So that child may have created the belief that it's not okay to have all their feelings.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:30]:
And so they've repeatedly throughout their lives, in situations with other people or in other moments, they have continued to not embrace their feelings. They have continued to not trust themselves, and they have continued to judge themselves in their experience. Self abandonment is simply the act of turning away from oneself. It is the act of judging yourself rather than holding yourself in those moments. It's one of the reasons I talk about self compassion so much on this podcast is that we abandon ourselves so often in our times of need, but in order to heal, we need to to embrace ourselves. We need to hold ourselves. We need to love ourselves, and we need to accept ourselves. And so often we began turning away from ourselves because others did not accept us, and we wanted to fit in with the group, the pack, the family, the society, the girls, the boys, whoever it is.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:23]:
We wanted to be accepted. So we turned away from ourselves. So we sacrificed ourselves. So we deemed a part of us unlovable and we abandoned it somewhere along the way. And the truth is when we're healing, it's about collecting all of us. It's about coming into communion with all of us. It's about seeing all of ourselves and knowing that there is nothing wrong. There's nothing unforgivable about our human experience.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:50]:
There is nothing so awful that we ever did that we didn't deserve our own love. That we didn't deserve the love of others. There's nothing wrong with you. There never has been. In the example I share from high school I abandoned myself by conforming by rather than seeing I was human and I made a mistake. I became my own worst punisher after this experience. I became small, afraid to be seen, or to make a mistake again. I shrunk myself.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:15]:
I already struggled with sharing my feelings, but it became even harder for me to share and to be vulnerable. I numbed myself. I muted myself, and I became absolutely terrified of doing something wrong. If I ever felt like I said something wrong, I punished myself for days or I self isolated because I was so afraid of experiencing this pain again. And I told myself I would not make this mistake again. So instead, I became the punisher and the abandoner to myself. This story that I share may sound small to you, but it was really profound for me. It was really painful and has surprised me again and again by how big of an influence it had on my life.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:52]:
As someone who has survived violent acts by others, it's always humbling for me to see how words or the lack of words. Right? So in this situation, I was abandoned. These people just didn't talk to me afterwards. It was like I didn't exist. That can be just as painful on the heart and leave just as deep of a scar as physical violence can. You know, in this moment, I felt like I was marked as a pariah. I was boxed out. I conformed more than ever before after that, terrified of being left all alone again.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:18]:
And conformity in this situation for me was I conformed. I left how I felt. I left my opinions and who I was behind in order to fit in. I was so desperate to fit in. I tried to do anything that would make me accepted, and I abandoned myself time and time again. I said things I didn't mean. I dressed away that wasn't really authentically me. I drank a lot.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:39]:
I made a lot of self deprecating jokes. I was a different person than who I truly am because I was desperate to fit in. And it's funny. Like, looking back on this, it's sort of a silly story. My crime was really acting my age. You know, I was a 14, 15, 16 year old who just wanted to have a party with alcohol. I was not the 1st teenager to do this, but the crime I felt I experienced from this was way over the top. And the story is a bit more complicated.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:07]:
It's nuanced as so many stories are. You You know, there's more layers to this story, and I see how this story came to play out as it did, such as I put my trust in the wrong group of people. I desired popularity, and I thought this was my chance to make it. I really thought if I threw this party the best party of the year, I'd be popular. I learned way too much from movies, by the way. But I really desired popularity and I really thought that I'd finally be cool and I'd no longer be a friendless loser and I'd no longer be made fun of. And the truth is these kids were using me. They were using me for my house where I would let them come and drink.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:39]:
Right? You know, I was like, oh, we can do that at my house. Nobody else wanted to do it at their house. And when I didn't deliver that and when they didn't need me anymore, they threw me to the side. And I'm not judging that. It's more that I see now that this situation, there's just so many layers to it. But a part of this story was feeling really abandoned at the time. And I quickly wanna share in case anybody's experienced anything like this that I see now that this experience had nothing to do with me and my worth, but it sure as hell felt like it did at the time. And so so much of the healing journey is understanding that something can be true and untrue at the same time or that we have to accept the unacceptable.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:16]:
You know, in this situation, my heart was broken, but it also didn't mean I deserved to have a broken heart. I made a mistake, but I wasn't that mistake. And so so many times when we're looking at those moments where we felt abandoned, it's so often not black and white. It's more nuanced than that. So healing can take time because we're peeling back the layers and we're seeing all sides of a situation so often. But I wanted to share this story because I think these moments in our past, big and small, can leave an impact on us. And it's so scary to be denied, and it's so painful to be denied and rejected and ignored. And it's scary to put ourselves out there with the fear of being unaccepted.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:52]:
We don't know if we're gonna be accepted in the moment when we're vulnerable, so it can be really scary to put ourselves out there. And so this leads me to talk about courage. I wanna say that it's immensely courageous to be yourself in this world and especially a world that's so quick to judge as you mentioned. And I wanna honor your courage and your bravery for even wanting to be yourself in the world. I'm constantly shocked by how judgmental people appear on the Internet, but I will say I have found people in person to be much more understanding and kind. The more I interact with people face to face, the more I'm met with my humanity and the humanity in others. The world sometimes feels like a scary place. It honestly feels dark, and it feels so divided.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:33]:
And things like the media, the Internet, social media can really play into those narratives that the world is dark and scary, and it's not safe to be ourselves. But I truly believe that many times when we interact with each other in person, we see the humanity in all, or it's easier to. It doesn't mean we're always gonna be met with that, but it's easier. I think that it can be so scary to share our opinion and our point of view in a world that is quick to judge. You know? I know I've struggled with that. I've had to confront my own fear of cancel culture, and that has triggered my fear of abandonment. But through confronting these fears, I learned to be kind to myself. I learned that if someone rejects me, it does not mean I'm not enough.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:13]:
It truly means nothing about me. Not everybody's gonna like me. Not everybody's gonna like you, and that's okay. So many of us are desperate for everyone to like us, but it's just not the case, and that's okay. It's okay to accept that. Doesn't mean that people should disrespect you, be rude to you, be mean to you, or bully you, or anything like that, but it's okay if not everybody likes you. Because if you think about it, do you like every person you've ever met? The answer is probably no. So learning to be vulnerable takes time.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:42]:
It's okay if you feel scared. I commend you for wanting to live a vulnerable life. It's courageous in this world to be vulnerably you, but you deserve to be all of you. And I assure you that you are not too much. Anyone who thinks you're too much likely struggles with their own feelings of enoughness. I've learned that people who think I'm too much have how I view it learn to live life in a box. And what I mean by this is that they live in this box and they think everybody else should live in this box. And when I step out of their box, because it's a little too small for me, that can trigger them.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:12]:
Their box feels safe to them. That's okay. It's not mine to judge. But if they shame me or scold me or tell me to get back in the box, the answer is no. But I also invite you to think about how every time you step out of a box, you're inviting everyone else to step out of that box too. That's what's so cool about vulnerability and it's super courageous because you're often the first one to do it. So if everybody in your town is living in a box and you decide to step out of that box, you're a leader. You're courageous.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:43]:
And you're giving others permission to do it too, which is so cool. Because that's the ripple effect that just being you, just showing up in the world authentically you with all your feelings, all your fears, and all your love and passion gives others permission to have all their feelings, all their fears, all their desires, and all of themselves too. And sometimes people aren't gonna like that. And they're gonna try and make you small. But again, it has nothing to do with you. It does with them and their fear of their authentic selves. And so, so often when we're learning to be vulnerable in the world, it's remembering that it's safe to be vulnerable. We deserve to be vulnerable.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:27]:
We deserve to be ourselves. And it's okay if not everybody likes it. With that box example it takes courage to say no. It takes courage to say I'm gonna stay outside the box. I'm gonna keep growing and learning and changing and embracing all the boxes not just your box. You know there really are no rules to life and because of that you get to be whoever you want to be and so does everyone else. My prayer for you and for everyone listening is that you have the courage to be yourself. You know I'm being reminded right now of the serenity prayer.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:55]:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I think this is relevant because it takes wisdom to know who will accept all of you and who may not be the best for you. And it also takes wisdom to know that it's okay if you're not fully accepted when you're yourself as long as you accept you. So that act we mentioned of self abandoning is that so often we have deemed a part of us unacceptable. And through reconnecting with ourselves and accepting ourselves, we learn that it's safe to be ourselves. Because truly we're looking for our own acceptance. And I know you may be thinking, no. I'm really looking for the acceptance of others.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:37]:
I love being alone. But you love being alone, but when you go out in the world it sounds like you don't accept who you are. That may be a hard pill to swallow. I know it was a hard pill to swallow in my own life that when I went out in the world, I wasn't fully myself. I have filtered myself for a really long time, especially when I was sober. It was like especially through sobriety, I saw how afraid I was to be myself in the world. I had, for a very long time, had this mask of booze. Right? When I drank, I could be a different version of myself.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:07]:
I numbed my fears. I numbed my anxieties, and I numbed my insecurities. And when I went sober, I had to be me everywhere I went. I didn't have this thing anymore that helped me to relax into myself. I had to be me. And it took honestly, it took a few years for me to show up in relationships as myself and not defensively, just open heartedly. And it's still a practice because as you mentioned, the world can be scary and it can be judgmental. And when you live with an open heart and when you live vulnerably, it can be painful if you're not accepted, which is why so many people close their hearts.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:42]:
But through your own self acceptance, I promise you will have your own protection. That's why we do some of this inner work because it creates a protection around us because we have our own back. We're not looking outside of us for our needs. We know that we have them within us. If no one has given you permission, I give you permission, not that you need it. But I give you permission to be your full authentic self. You deserve it. A hard truth that I've mentioned throughout this episode is that not everyone will like it.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:09]:
I've learned that time and time again on my own journey. The more I grow, the more I see who accepts my growth and who tries to dim my shine, who's triggered by all of me, and who accepts all of me. Some people have left my life. Some I speak to less than I used to. But as I grow, I meet more and more people who accept all of me. And those who don't I send love to. It's okay. I'm not for everyone and you aren't either.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:30]:
But something I like to remember when I'm fearing being vulnerable is that the person who I am with the most throughout life is me. I was born with me, and I will die with me. I am with me from the second I wake up, from the second I go to bed, and through the dream realms. Okay? So I am with me all the time. And so I'm the one whose opinion about myself matters most. I'm the one who has to stop self abandoning, and I'm the one who has to accept and love myself. Self abandonment might sound harsh, but I feel that's what we do when we filter ourselves and when we bite our tongues when we know we should say something. This doesn't mean you always need to speak your truth from the rooftops or the mountain top.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:11]:
It takes time and wisdom to know when the best course of action is speaking and when it's not. Sometimes the best course of action is removing ourselves from a situation. It's leaving a room. It's not saying anything or it's firmly stating a boundary. I find that when we're learning to not abandon ourselves, we can wanna yell it at people. But true self communion and self acceptance is knowing your truth and holding it firm, but not having to demand it from others. It's okay for your truth to be different from others. You don't have to sway because somebody else's truth is different, and you don't have to force them to acknowledge your truth or to accept you.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:50]:
In this moment, I'm remembering something a therapist said to me once, which was that when you walk into a room, it's not about walking in and being like who in here likes me? It's also asking yourself, who in here do I like? When a therapist said that to me, I had never thought about it like that. I was so desperate to be liked at the time that I never took the time to think about, do I like these people? And it can be empowering to remember that you don't have to give all your power away. You are allowed to be you. So you mentioned dating. You know what I mean? It's a two way street. Do you like this person? Do they like you? Are you guys a good match? It's not about being desperate for this person to like you. It's about really honoring yourself and honoring them and hopefully coming together. And And if it doesn't work out, knowing that's okay and that your person is out there for you.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:37]:
For this episode, I don't really have a step by step process. I'm seeing that this is more of a discussion about vulnerability and courage, but I still do hope you found it helpful. But if I were to quickly outline a few action steps, I'd say that I invite you to reflect on abandonment and the abandonment wound. You know, why are you afraid of being left alone? Have you experienced this before? Is there a moment in your life that comes to mind where you did feel abandoned by a parent, a friend, a teacher, a mentor, a family member? Can you offer yourself compassion as you reflect on this? I will also add some abandonment wound and healing from abandonment specific journal prompts on my website, and you can find those at noviaadvice.com/97. I also invite you to write a letter to yourself or to spend some time in meditation with yourself or contemplation with yourself and give yourself permission to be you and remind yourself that you have your own back and that it's safe to be yourself and that no matter what happens, you have your own heart. As always, I invite you to be kind to yourself as you navigate vulnerability. It's hard. It takes courage.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:37]:
Courage is not something to overlook. It's brave and commendable, and it's really needed in this world right now. And before I wrap this episode up, I just wanna thank you for being you. All of you who listen to this episode, thank you for healing. Thank you for opening your heart and embracing the love inside you. You deserve to be yourself. You deserve to feel safe being yourself, and you deserve to feel the lightness of who you truly are. I'm so sorry for the judgments of this world.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:01]:
I'm so sorry that it feels like such a judgmental place. And I'm sorry for all the pain you've experienced, but I know it's possible to move forward and to remember your worth and to love yourself. Be kind to yourselves, beautiful souls. You deserve it. Send you all my love. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. As always, I enjoyed talking with you about vulnerability, courage, and how to heal from the fear of abandonment. If you have any questions after this episode, you can reach out to me at contact at nuviadvice.com, or you can fill out the question form on my website at newviewadvice.com/question.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:41]:
Thank you again for tuning in to another episode of New View advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you next time.