07: Healing from Heartbreak: How to Heal, Feel, and Forgive a Break Up
Heartbreak is inevitable. Everyone experiences heartbreak at one time or another, and it’s important that we allow ourselves to move through the feelings and to go through the stages of grief.
In this episode, you will learn about:
How to heal from heartbreak
The importance of healing a broken heart
Moving on from being ghosted
How to forgive yourself for dumping someone you want back
Actions you can take to help you heal heartache
Episode References:
Heartbreak Healing Jams Playlist on Apple Music
Update November 27, 2023: In this episode, I mention Online Self-Help Groups, most of the one’s mentioned in this episode are no longer active, I recommend you search google or social media to see what kind of groups and communities you may be interested in.
Healthy ways to process Anger (this is just a starting point, find what works best for you!)
Throwing rocks in the ocean
Buy cheap plates at a store like Walmart, Dollar Store, or Amazon and smash in a trash can in your driveway (don’t forget protective eyewear!)
Create an Angry Music playlist and dance / move your body
Scream in your car while in traffic or go park somewhere and scream in your car (don’t try this while actually driving)
Use Mother Earth – hit the earth, throw rocks, stomp your feet
If you haven’t already, I recommend you list to Episode 5: Back to Basics: Self-Love, Inner Child, & Forgiveness to learn more about forgiveness techniques
More About HO’OPONOPONO
You Are Love (Ho’oponopono) by Lotus Sky – My Favorite Version of this Prayer put into Song. I usually play this and sit in meditation and work on self-forgiveness or forgiving someone else. I play the song on repeat for as long as I need.
Free Resource Corner
Heartbreak Meditations
Here is a list of meditations specifically for helping you to slow down and heal your heartbreak:
Meditation For Heartbreak (11 min)
Get Over Your Ex Meditation (15 min)
Guided Meditation for Healing Broken Heart & Release Old Sad Emotions (34 min)
Also, here’s the link again to my Heartbreak Healing Jams Playlist on Apple Music.
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
6:16 Listener Question 1
22:47 Listener Question 2
36:55 Listener Question 3
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher 0:00
Hey, before we get started, I just wanted to give you a heads up that this podcast discusses heavy topics as well as uses explicit language listener discretion is advised. Welcome to New View advice, a safe place for you to ask your most vulnerable questions about life, relationships, healing, and so much more. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher. And I believe our fears and traumas are often what holds us back from living life to the fullest. Join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever is holding you back from being your best self. Let's get started. Hi, there. My name is Amanda Durocher. And this is New View Advice. If you're new here. This is a podcast where I answer listener questions about life relationships, healing, trauma, and so much more. So last week, we discussed relationships, conscious relationships, and how to bring more awareness and healing to our partnerships. And this week, I wanted to switch gears, I wanted to talk about heartbreak and when these romantic relationships don't work out, and how to heal from that, because heartbreaks inevitable, we all experienced heartbreak at one point or another. And most of us know what it's like to have are heartbroken in romantic relationships. For the few people who don't, I'm sure you've experienced heartbreak through friendships, or through the loss of family members, through death or through having to let people go in your life who no longer support you. I really believe that heartbreak is part of the healing journey. I think that if you're committed to healing in our work, and growing and changing throughout your entire life, heartbreaks inevitable, not everyone is here to do the work that you and I are doing. So if you're listening to this podcast, I believe that you want to change something in your life, or you're committed to changing right? When I first started my healing journey, I really wanted to change the grief I felt. But when I started to heal, that I started to want to heal all areas of my life because I realized the possibility of being happy. I realized that through healing, through inner work through self acceptance and self love, that anything was possible. And that I could have the life of my dreams, which really for me involves loving myself deeply loving life deeply loving others deeply, living a life of joy, embodying all these qualities, and also giving back and being of service. And I found that through the healing journey, the more I heal up, the more that all these things that I really want in life are possible. So I just mentioned that because if you can't relate to romantic heartbreak right now, maybe some of the things I talked about could relate to another area of your life. Also if you've experienced heartbreak, but didn't heal from it. So there's still some feelings there, there's still a rub there. You know, you've truly forgiven someone and let something go, when you can think about that person that memory and there is no emotional pole when it feels neutral. So you're in a new relationship, but you think about your ex, and you get angry or you get sad or you feel shame come up and you can't even go there. Like you can't look there, then there's still something for you to heal there. So maybe something in this episode will spark for you a way to dive into that healing. Because even if we're in new relationships, but we still have unresolved stuff from past relationships, we still need to heal that or we bring it into our new relationship. And so we don't really get past the healing. We can try and ignore it. But really, we end up just piling on more things to look at more things to heal more things to forgive. So the more we can look at and the more we can heal, the easier our lives become. And then we leave room and space within ourselves for the good for the things we want for creativity, for love for whatever it is you may want to bring into your life. So today we're going to talk about heartbreak and all the questions do with romantic heartbreak, romantic heartbreak and heartbreak in general, it triggers the grieving process. So if you listen to my episode on grief, I talked about the five stages of grieving, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. We grieve a lot of things throughout our lives and when people come in and out so a breakup that triggers the grieving process. During the breakup process. It's so important for us to focus on self love. Many times when we end relationships, we feel lost and confused. And so there's so many hard feelings to feel and all those feelings are real and all those feelings are valid, and none of these feelings are wrong. So part of heartbreak is allowing us to be wherever we are without judgment. Though I've been in a romantic partnership for 10 years. I have experienced lots of heartbreak over the past 10 years through friendships, family, the death of loved ones And I've found that every time my heart breaks, when I truly allow myself to move through the grieving process, to allow myself all my feelings, that my heart actually opens more in the end, that I am able to allow more lovin, through grieving the loss of someone through the feelings of forgiveness that have to arise for myself and the person involved. And our hearts crack open, because the more they break, and the more we feel our pain, and we leave space for it, then we're able to build that space for others, we're able to empathize with others, we're able to see where they're at. Because we've seen that place within ourselves. So many of us expect people to show up for us in a way that they're uncapable. Because they've never looked at that within themselves. And heartbreak. feeling these feelings, you will become the person who can hold the space for others. And that is so beautiful. So I've learned through heartbreak, how to love myself more how true happiness truly comes from within, and how I am always worthy of love, no matter who may come in and out of my life. So I'm excited to talk about this topic. And let's jump on in.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 6:16
Question one, Dear New View Advice. I'm struggling to move on from a breakup. My boyfriend and I were together for four years, and he recently broke up with me. Our relationship was far from perfect, but I never thought he'd leave me. I'm heartbroken and depressed. He broke up with me a few months ago, but I'm still having trouble moving on. I feel lost without him. What should I do? Thank you for this question. I think that this is a great place to start this conversation about heartbreak. And I just want to say I'm really sorry for what you're going through the heartbreak you're feeling, the depression, the loneliness, those are all real feelings. And I just hope you're being patient and kind with yourself throughout this process. So I think heartbreak often can feel all consuming. And it can be hard to focus on other things. So that's why it's so important to really give heartbreak the time it needs to heal. As I mentioned earlier, we go through a grieving process when we break up with someone my experiences with grief is that the emotions come and go, and we can't judge what's up. And we can't get mad at ourselves. If we're angry one day, depressed the next and then angry again and be like I thought I already worked through the anger. There's layers, emotions are layers, and you just have to trust the process and just allow yourself to move through these feelings as they arise. So right now it sounds like you might be in a bit of a depression phase, because you mentioned that you're feeling depressed. And that's totally understandable. Breakups are hard to fully heal from something takes time. So you said it's been a few months. And I think that we start to compare ourselves to others. And some people seem like they can get over a breakup really quick, others take a really long time. Just don't compare yourself to anyone else. Everyone's coming from breakups at a different point in their lives. So breakups are a great opportunity for real growth, because you are moving through a transition breakups are a transition. And if you allow yourself to move beyond this, to heal this and to grieve this relationship, this old version of you will die, for lack of a better word, it will shed from you, you will become a new person at the end of this. But the great thing about being human is that we shed versions of ourselves all the time. So I think of it as we can either put layers and layers and layers on top of ourselves and get farther and farther from our true self. Or we can shed these layers. And through the healing we are shedding these layers. I always like to imagine it as whenever I'm going through a rebirth, this layer is shedding down into the earth. And Mother Earth is taking this and I'm becoming a lighter version of myself with less heavy emotions with less trauma with less burdens. And I'm becoming more connected to the truth of who I am, which is a joyful, loving being. And so heartbreak can often feel all consuming. So often when our partner breaks out with us. Not only are we grieving the loss of this person in our life, but for many people this can also trigger some of our biggest fears. So some of these biggest fears include not being good enough, feeling unlovable, being unworthy of love, abandonment, abandonment is a huge one. So many people had parents who were absent. So a parent who worked too much a parent who died, a parent who was emotionally unavailable, divorced parents, and all that can create a wound of abandonment. So when somebody leaves us that abandonment wound, oh, is that triggered? Because the feelings of rejection, betrayal, abandonment, come up for us when we're left, that's how it feels. So be patient and kind with yourself as you move through this. You know, these are all real feelings you're experiencing. So if you allow yourself the time to not just look at this relationship, but to look at some of your child altered wounds that are triggered, then this can be transformational for you. And like I said, I mean, this could be a rebirth for you. And I think we go through so many rebirths I think rebirth rising from the ashes of our pain is the most beautiful thing about being human, you don't have to be stuck where you are, but you do have to allow yourself to feel it. And the more time we give ourselves to truly start with our feeling, and to be with the feelings, then the quicker, we are able to move through the feelings. The reason heartbreak can feel so long and never ending is because a lot of times we're running away from how we're feeling, or we're numbing or escaping the pain. And the truth is, this just stalls the process, and we need to feel the feelings. So part of this transition period you're in is that you're relearning what life is, without this guy, you mentioned that you feel lost without him. And this really means that you lost a part of yourself in this relationship. And I think this is so common, I think so many of us lose parts of ourselves in relationships, because we make ourselves small, or we try to be something we're not, or we learn to vibe with this other person, but we end up changing ourselves because we want to make them happy, or we don't want to upset them. And we lose a part of ourselves in that. When we lose our boundaries. And we lack boundaries, we often lose a part of ourselves. So feeling lost without him is real. But what you're looking for with that statement, is you're looking for you to find you, and how you're going to do this through self love, I hope that you're taking some time to be single, I would not jump right into another relationship. And I want you to learn how to love yourself in this period of being single. Because what you're truly looking for is to be there for yourself. And this can be really hard when we've never done that when we've never truly been there first. That was when we never take the time to be there with ourselves, a lot of us become the older we get more and more disconnected with ourselves. So we don't even know ourselves. And this is a beautiful time being single, to get to know yourself. I think being single is so beautiful. Because I think that you can take the time to be really selfish, really get to know yourself. And then the next time you're in a relationship, you will not lose that. Because the more connected with yourself you become, the more authentic you become. And the more you truly love yourself, the more you're not going to give that up, you won't sacrifice yourself. It doesn't mean that in relationships, we don't learn to ebb and flow with each other. But you should not lose yourself in a relationship. So I'm going to give you a few things to help you through this transition period. If you listen to my podcast, many of the things I'm going to talk about today may sound like repeats. But the truth is, there are no shortcuts in the healing process. And there's no shortcuts to self love. And it's a lot of repeating the same actions and repeating connecting back to ourselves in various ways. Throughout the healing process, you're gonna have to find what works for you. Everybody's different. Oh, and also, before I jump in actions, I also just wanted to say that I don't want you to judge yourself for anything you feel. So as humans, we so often judge our feelings, and then they get stuck in our body. And it doesn't matter if no one understands your pain. It doesn't matter if people are like you guys broke up months ago, why are you still complaining about this, you understand your pain, you know how real the pain you're in right now it is that is the validation you need. And that is the validation you need to sit with your pain is real, emotional pain is very, very real. And it can cripple us and keep us stuck in the past if we try to ignore it. Or if we let people convince us that it's not real, I can't tell you the amount of times where I let people tell me that my emotions were not valid. So I am so passionate about telling you your emotions are valid, because I was told my entire life that nothing I felt was real. So I became so disconnected with myself and I learned not to trust myself. And throughout my healing journey, I have had to go back to all those feelings I felt that were invalidated. And I have to validate them. I want to help you not have to do so much work. Because it's a lot of work to go back and validate all those feelings. So if you can start validating yourself now. So less work you have to do later. And it's life changing. And you really learn how to trust yourself this way. Because the more you validate your feelings, the more you feel your feelings, the more you'll move through these feelings and then you'll realize that you were right. And there's nothing wrong with feeling them because the more you feel them the more you move through them. And then the better you feel. So action one for you. I want you to move your body. So this could be going for a run, doing yoga, just throwing on some music and dancing. I find when we're depressed. For me depression was one depression is something I experienced for about 20 years of my life. So anybody who suffers from depression, I feel you. I have been there and it is real, but I find that depression was like the blanket I put over a lot of hard feelings. So it was the blank Get I put over the tears, it was the blanket I put over the anger. For me, it was often covering up other feelings. And those were too hard to feel. So I just kind of lived at a depression level. So a way to move through depression is really to move our bodies because depression needs to move, to allow the other feelings to arise, to allow them to move through you. So you need to move your body. So I want you to move your body, I want you to move these feelings because you might move from depression to sadness, but that's still movement. So you just got to allow it to up to come up. As an inspiration, I created a heartbreak playlist that I'll link in the show notes. But I really encourage you to make your own find songs that resonate with how you're feeling, because I find movement in music totally can help us move through how we're feeling. There are a million songs out there about heartbreak, so many artists write about their heartbreak. And it's a really good one to find the songs that resonate for you. If I'm experienced heartbreak, I make a playlist I put on some songs, and I screen the lyrics. And I move my body and I allow it moves. And a lot of times I cry at one moment, I'm angry at the next I lie on the floor. And then I move and now I find I can put on a few songs, I can really move through a lot of emotions. But at the beginning, if you just feel one feeling throughout the whole time, just allow yourself to move, movement can a lot of times create tears for people who struggle to cry. And I find dance really helps with that. But yoga can really help with that as well or intentional running. So by intentional running, I bring the emotion up and that I imagine it leaving my body with every step in the pavement, I just find that music and movement are a beautiful combination to help us move stuck energy and emotions. And for you, it sounds like you feel a little stuck. So I would really try movement. I also think it's so important for people who are depressed because I think when we're depressed, we often don't want to do anything. And that is totally valid. But when we can get ourselves to move even to just go on a walk, it can be transformational. I always find when I'm depressed. If I just get my butt out of bed, it makes a difference. It really does getting out of my house, it makes a difference or throwing on some music and moving at the beginning, it can be hard, but give yourself a few minutes, you know, be patient, slow your mind down, breathe, and allow yourself to move and it'll move, you just have to be patient enough. We live in a society that expects everything to happen in the split of a second, like as quick as changing a web page. And the truth is you just gotta give it like a little time, make a playlist and move through one song, give it at least three songs and see if it helps. I really, really believe movement helps. I've always found it helps. So for number two, I wrote down self love baby. And that's really what it is self love is the name of the game. And this is important for anybody moving through a breakup and anyone listening to this episode, the most important thing you can do for yourself during a breakup is lean into self love, and self love practices are doing things for you. You say you lost yourself in this relationship. So you need to find yourself. And for you one way I highly recommend is to start journaling. So this is a great way to start to get to know yourself again, and to see your patterns, your way of thinking and the emotions you may be suppressing. So I'm going to suggest some journal prompts, I'm going to include these in the show notes as well. So if you're interested in these journal prompts, don't feel like you have to write them down. Now you can visit my website, www.newview advice.com At the end of this episode, and they will be there as well. But a few journal suggestions I have for you. One, how am I feeling right now in this present moment? What could I do today to shift where I'm at and move to a different emotion? To what parts of myself? Did I quote unquote, lose in this relationship? Why did I change myself to be with this person? And some follow up questions for this question. If you're struggling to get to an answer, it would be was I hiding? Was I making myself small? was I trying to be somebody I thought I should be? Not who I truly am. Three, when I sit with the heartbreak of losing this partner? What comes up for me right now? Is it a feeling a memory, a sensation in my body? Sit with this and then write about it? Or what stage of grief Am I in right now?
A reminder the stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression or acceptance. Five, is there a limiting belief I keep replaying about myself because of this breakup? And then I want you to ask yourself if there was a moment or person in your childhood who told you this or made you believe this before this breakup? So some examples are I'll never be good enough. I'm unlovable. I'm unworthy for love. No one will ever love me. And to clarify this question I want you to ask yourself if any of these beliefs resonate, or if there's a different belief for you, and when did you truly start to believe this? And if you can't quite find a childhood one, but you think it might be your childhood, just start jotting down all the times that you think, validate this, I can tell you right now, none of these beliefs are true about you. But it doesn't mean that you don't believe it's true. Six, start to become curious about the similarities between now and other times in your life. Do you feel this way? After every breakup? Have you felt this way after multiple breakups, become curious about the patterns. So those are some journaling suggestions I have for you, as I mentioned, I'll put them on my website. I find journaling is a great, great, great way for people who wants struggled with meditating, and two who are really disconnected from themselves. And again, I think we're all programmed to become disconnected from ourselves. I'll get off my soapbox, but I'll just quickly say that I really think this world wants us to be disconnected with ourselves. We live in a world that, honestly there is a war for our body hearts and minds, we are fed lies from the day we come out of the womb. And I promise you, the more you connect with yourself, the more you'll be led back to love. Because you're looking for you to love you. And the more you love you, you can love others. So we need to stop expecting people outside of us to change, we need to change ourselves, and change ourselves, we need to get to know ourselves. So I'm really passionate about you connecting with you. So action three for you is I want you to connect with people. I don't want you to start dating. But I want you to connect with people in your life. So I want you to connect with friends, a therapist or family members, or there's a lot of resources in today's world, there are a million online communities for self growth. And I think that can be really good for you to connect with people. Because I think when we're depressed, we tend to isolate ourselves. I know I was very guilty of this back in the day that when I was working through something I really isolated. So if you find yourself feeling stuck, I really want you to connect with friends, family, or like I mentioned a therapist, because you feel a little lost, connect with your friends. Remember who you are, right? Remember what it is to laugh. I love to call my friends when I'm upset because they always make me laugh. And laughter is such a cure for depression. So I just think that if you connect with people that could really help. I hope some of that helped. I also just want to mention that the truth is the greatest cure for a breakup is time. And if you start to love yourself through this breakup, and don't ignore yourself anymore, you'll change and you're going through a transition. And that takes time. And I just want to thank you for asking this question. I think so many people can relate to this and heartbreaks real, our hearts do break. And it can be hard because other people can't see how broken our hearts can be. So that's why it's so important for you to honor how you are feeling. And I just want to send you so much love.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 22:47
Question two, Dear New View Advice. I was recently ghosted, and I don't know what to do. I met a guy on Bumble and we were dating for three months. We went on dates. I met his friends, he met mine and we talked almost every day. One day, we were texting and everything was fine. And the next day I stopped hearing from him. At first I thought something might be wrong. But when he posted on Instagram a week later and didn't respond to my message, I realized I had been ghosted. I'm finding it really hard to move on. We talk to almost every day, and then just nothing, no closure, no explanation, nothing. I'm embarrassed to admit it. But I find myself hoping that I'll run into him somewhere so that I could at least talk to him. Why do I want to so desperately talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to me? I feel desperate, but I just can't move on. I really liked him. And I thought everything was going well. I keep replaying the things I said and did to try and figure out what I did wrong. I'm a mess. What should I do? Thank you for this question. I think so many people experienced this today. I just want to say I'm really sorry, this happened. I don't think anyone deserves to be ghosted. I think that people who ghost who just cut off all communication, they lack emotional maturity to have a tough conversation. And I think when we don't have closure, that's so difficult. And I'm really sorry, you had to go through this. So first, like I said, I'm just really sorry, this happened. I think the replaying of events is very common. When we go through a big change. You had feelings involved, your heart was attached, and this guy didn't have the maturity to break up with you in person, or even through a text message. And that does suck. So I just want to take a minute to validate your feelings. There's nothing wrong with you. And this is a really hard thing you're going through, you experienced a heartbreak. That is a real heartbreak and your body's processing that and on top of having to grieve this person who you became very close to in a short amount of time. You're also going through shock, confusion, disillusionment, and to go off the disillusion, man. I want to address that I think you've put this guy on a pedestal because If you are trying to run into him in, you're replaying what you said and did, you are treating it like his opinion of you matters, and that it defines you. And none of that is true. The only thing that matters is what you think of yourself. And I think that somebody being this emotionally immature shows that their opinion of you doesn't matter at all, he could have broken up with you for a million reasons. And most likely, you'll never know. And I advise you to let go of having to know why. And for judging yourself and putting the blame on yourself, this is a him thing, if somebody can cut somebody off like that, this is a him thing, this is not a you thing, I wouldn't waste another minute on blaming yourself for this, and how you're going to do that. Because if you are, it's easier said than done to just stop blaming yourself, you're gonna start loving yourself, you're gonna start telling yourself how fantastic you are, and how you don't deserve somebody like that you don't, nobody deserves somebody treat them like that. You deserve better. You deserve so much better. So what you were doing here is you were looking outside yourself for love and validation. Because as humans, our ego gets fixated on the why things happen. But I think that you're feeling personally the way you did, because you put so much on this relationship in a short amount of time. And you put this love and validation outside of yourself, and you're really looking for that from within. So you need to just sit with you, I do want to say that the length of the relationship doesn't matter in a situation like this. And what I mean by that is that allow yourself to feel the feelings and to heal. We can have immense heartbreak, from a two month relationship or two year relationship. But those relationships a two month or two year or 12 year can have immense growth as well. And that's what matters here. So allowing yourself to love yourself. Because our hearts break more, the less we love ourselves in a situation like this. Because when we don't love ourselves, we put everything on a person outside of ourselves. So we expect that person to validate everything for us to validate that we're worthy, that we're enough that we're lovable, that we're worth being around. And all those things you have to validate within yourself. So it doesn't mean that if you already love yourself, that heartbreak won't hurt, but you're obsessing about what this guy did, because you're looking for something outside of yourself. So here's what I recommend for you. One action I think you can take is that I think you need to meditate, your heart is hurt right now. And before jumping into new relationship, you need to take some time and be with your heart, you're hurt, you're sad, you're depressed, you're angry, and you need to sit with yourself. And you need to validate how you're feeling. You're looking for closure, because you're looking for a reason. And the truth is life is hard. Life is unfair. And sometimes there aren't reasons for shitty things that happen. Sometimes we don't get to know the reason. And so you have to learn how to heal from this without that closure. And so how you can find that is healing the feelings, and then really forgiving yourself for being in this relationship, forgiving this person and seeing the lessons that you can pull from this. So what does this teach you? I know it can be hard from the beginning. So when you first start meditating, I want you to just sit with how you're feeling and let yourself feel that way. And oftentimes, there's a little child in there, who's triggered and really, really hurt. As I mentioned with the other question, I think that abandonment can be triggered. I mean, this person just left you that's heartbreaking. Allow yourself to feel that allow yourself to be with that. So I think this is a great opportunity to start sitting with yourself. And I think meditating is great. But you can also go on a walk, and you can go to walk and put some music on that matches how you feel. You can check in with yourself, ask yourself how you're feeling. I once took an acting class that we had to say how are you feeling at the beginning of class, we had to give three emotions and we weren't allowed to say tired. Because tired is not a real feeling. It's not an emotion. It's like your body could be tired, but what's underneath the tiredness, what emotion is there and I just recommend that for everybody who listens to this. So whenever I say ask yourself how you're feeling tired is not a feeling what's under that. And if you're struggling to find an emotion I once read that all emotions can fit into four categories. They're called the primary categories for emotions. And these four categories are sad, mad, glad and scared. So if you're having trouble identifying how you're feeling, just start with these and pick one of those feelings. And I think just starting to sit with yourself and allowing you to feel this could really help you because what's happening for you is that you are mentally the obsessing is that you're mentally trying to figure out what happened and you're mentally trying to fix this. And that's where the desperation is coming from is because you're in your mind. You have to drop into your heart. So I did this exercise in my first episode, but a way you can drop into your Heart is that you start breathing, breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.
After these three breaths, I want you to take your awareness. And I want you to drop it into your heart. So if it helps, you can view this as an elevator from your head. And just follow your awareness down to your heart. And I want you to focus on your heart space, which is in your chest. And I want you to breathe into that. And from this space, I want you to ask yourself how you're feeling. And I just want you to sit with that every day, sit with your heart, the more attention we give to our hearts, the more it starts speaking back. It sounds counterintuitive, but the truth is, we often don't trust ourselves with our own feelings. So the first thing is just connecting to your body. And that heart practice will really serve you. So a second action I want you to take is I want you to connect with your inner child. So I want you to find time to play. This could be doing our coloring painting. Last summer, I did an art project where I found shells on the beach, the kinda kind of look like wings where they're connected. And then I glued them onto a canvas, and then made them look like wings. I thought that was so fun. My inner child had such a fun time doing that, because she got beach time, and she got art time. And I would listen to Harry Potter as I look for shells. I loved it that was completely for my inner child. And I have another friend who's currently making jewelry, and she wears it and she's loving doing that. And I think that's so fun. And I just want you to connect with your inner child. So oftentimes, this can be like an art thing, this could be dance, this could be play. This could be collecting something in nature, like I mentioned the shells, but I want you to connect with your inner child because creativity can be so healing. And I want you to let this creativity come through your mind is obsessing about this guy, and you need to put that energy somewhere else. And right now that can be drawing while you have your favorite movie on in the background or a good music playlist. Oftentimes, I'll put on a movie, or a TV show, and I'll paint or I'll color. And I'll do that for the day. And that just really helps me to relax to get out of my head. Because if you find meditation, hard connecting to creativity can still get you there. It can be really meditative. Recently, I had a really hard day. So I threw on an audio book and did a puzzle. And that really helped me I also write poetry when I'm upset, but you need to take this energy, you have all this chaotic energy, I can just sense it from your question. And it's all this chaotic energy that you're focusing outside yourself. You're like, why did this happen? Maybe I'll see this guy, maybe I should talk to him. But you need to take all that energy, and you need to put it on something. So a creative act can really help you move through it. But find a way to access creativity and these feelings and just allow yourself to do that to focus on something other than this guy. Because the obsessing doesn't help and creativity really heals. I can't emphasize it enough. It's so healing and I think so many people are unhealed and creativity heals. So I'm so passionate about it. Okay, so the third thing I want you to do is I want you to get in touch with your anger. Because ghosting is immature. And there's anger within you, you might not be in touch with it yet, but you are angry and you have a real reason to be angry. And you're not going to be able to move on until you feel this anger. And this is really true for anybody who goes through heartbreak because it is one of the stages of grieving, anger. And so many people are afraid of their anger. Part of my healing journey has been learning how to have a safe relationship with my anger. And to know that when I get angry, nobody will get hurt. I used to have angry outbursts and I can't say I'm perfect and I never have them anymore. But anger is real. It's real emotion and you deserve to be angry. So I want you to feel this anger. Some of my favorite anger tools are everybody's gonna find their own way. But I'll list a few things that I do to get in touch with my anger. So I love to throw shit when I'm angry. You got to do in a safe environment. So I love to throw rocks at the ocean. I love to buy glasses at a place like Walmart, Amazon, the dollar store and smash them into a trashcan. So go in a driveway and smash glasses into a trashcan while listening to angry music and screaming. It is therapeutic and the anger will move if you move it. So those are two things I love to do. I also love I lived in LA for a long time and in LA you're always stuck in traffic. And so it's a great place to scream in your car. though I might have looked crazy to people in traffic near me, but I would scream at the top of my lungs in my car, because it's a contained space where nobody can hear you. You're not hurting anybody, but I would scream and let it out and scream like, Fuck you scream, I hate you scream, whatever. And I still do this screaming in the car is so great. You can also scream in nature. But some of us live in cities. So it's hard to find like a secluded place where we feel safe enough. So throwing stuff throwing stuff in nature, I had a friend who said she throws eggs in the woods. I think that totally works, throw eggs at trees, Mother Nature is here for you. I also think hitting the Earth. So just lying down and hitting. Those are some of the safe ways I found to express my anger. I also think through movement, so I'll angry run. So I picture my anger going into the pavement as I run. And then sometimes I'll just end up stomping and stopping my run and jumping up and down. You just have to find what works for you. But anger is real. And anger is just asking for us to make a change in our life, and to see when boundaries have been crossed and to see when things aren't okay. And here being ghosted, wasn't okay? It wasn't okay. It was fucked up. And you deserve to be angry about it. And the more you feel the anger, the more you will never allow anything like that to happen again. Or if it does happen, you won't have these obsessive thoughts. You'll be like good riddance, this guy's out of my life. So get in touch with that anger. I think that our society is so afraid of anger. I think people are so afraid of anger. But it's human. Anger is a good thing. Anger tells us when boundaries have been crossed. Anger tells us when things need to change. Anger is a communicator. So I hope that some of those ways help. And I'll list those in the show notes as well. Again, I'm really sorry this happened and just be kind impatient with yourself. I'm sending you a lot of love as you move through this. Thank you for this question.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 36:55
Question three, Dear New View Advice, I broke up with my boyfriend and find myself regretting it. I dumped him and then a few weeks later saw that he was already dating this girl we went to college with, I was so upset, and I tried to get him back. He told me he moved on and to stop texting him. I'm so upset and feel like I ruined everything, that he may have been the one. What should I do? Thank you for this question. I think so many people can relate to this happening. So thank you for this amazing question. The first thing that comes to mind when I hear this question is that you need to forgive yourself, I know how painful this is right now. But you need to forgive yourself, I think you're more mad at yourself than your ex boyfriend. And you need to accept that you did end this relationship, and that he did move on. And you need to forgive yourself for that you need to accept your actions. It's such a basic concept. But so many of us don't accept what we've done and don't take responsibility for our actions. And you have to take responsibility for ending this relationship. And now the other person has moved on. And instead of badgering him or obsessing over him, you need to accept the fact that you broke up with him, that you created the situation, and that you need to forgive yourself and you need to move on. And on the other side of this, you're going to be more grounded in who you are. And you're going to know what you want need, and you're gonna know how to communicate better. I really believe that. So I also think that part of the lesson that you're learning right now is that and that I think a lot of us need to learn. So that's why I'm going to talk about this is that relationships involve to separate people. So many people, they put themselves into their partner, or they think that it's like, they think you become one blob of a person or that your person is the exact same as you has the same thoughts and needs wants. And the truth is your partner, your ex boyfriend is an entirely different person than you. When you break up with somebody, they're entirely different than you. So they do not have to be there. When you change your mind. They are separate outside of you. And so many of us think that we can break up with somebody get back together, we think that we can just change our minds when we want. And that's not true when other people are involved. You may change your mind. But he didn't change his mind. He moved on. And that's a hard lesson to learn. But it's a good lesson to learn that when breaking up with somebody that there's two people involved. It's not all about you. And that's a hard one. So I think one of the lessons here is that you made an adult decision to end a relationship, and you're having adult consequences right now. So that's a really hard lesson to learn. And I think it happens to a lot of us. And I think that this is really hard. I think what you're going through is really hard because you are moving through grief, as well as regret, shame and other feelings that arise as well. I want you to be patient. I want you to be kind with yourself but I really want you to work on accepting the decision to break up with him so that you can move on and by move on. It's really that you can move on to the grieving process of that relationship you had of that person who it seems like you thought would always be there for you. So you kind of took for granted. And that's a lesson to learn that the people we love, we should not take for granted, they will not always be there, they do not have to take our abuse, they do not have to be there, when we break up with them, they don't always have to be there for us, when we take them for granted. So learning from that growing from that doesn't make what you're going through any easier. But I think that growing through this will be huge for you. So I also just want to address this idea of the one, I don't think he was the one for you. Because I think that you're just learning a hard lesson. And I think it's easy to go to. But if he was the one, I think we put too much pressure on finding the one, let's take that pressure off the table. Let's be more in the present moment, I almost feel like finding the one is looking for something outside of yourself. We're looking for partners who can complement us for where we're at. Let's just take the pressure off it. So when you meet the next guy or with don't wonder if he's the one wonder if he's good for you right now. And then every moment is that person good for you right now. We really have to worry more about the present moment and being present with where we're at, then the fear of missing what's ours, because I don't believe we miss what's ours, I believe what's always meant for us will always find us. And we put so much pressure on timing. And we just have to slow down and be in the present moment. So I don't think you missed the one. I think that you're only feeling that way because you have regret over ending this relationship. You're almost going to the idea I feel like of what if I ruined my whole life? What if he was the one and I'm going to be unhappy forever? I think your mind is going crazy. So action one for you is you need to slow down. I can feel like the panic and the million thoughts a minute the overwhelm the oh my god, did I ruin my life? I almost feel like that's what's coming out of this question. And I need you to slow down, I need you to be in the present moment. Realize everything's okay. Your life is not over. You didn't miss the one. There are millions of people out there. You broke up with this guy for a reason, too. So there's somebody else out there for you. So I think you should journal about why you broke up with him in the first place and remind yourself why you ended this relationship. I also think some of these feelings might be that you feel like you quote unquote, lost. I think a lot of people think of relationships in winning and losing terms, our human minds, and our egos like to think like that, like there's a winner and a loser. But that's not the case. Nobody won or lost this relationship, this relationship ended and you're both healing from it. And you're both dealing with it in different ways. There's no winner or loser when it comes to relationships. And I want you to be honest about why you were so quick to break up. Or if you're respecting yourself with the breakup. Be honest, get to the root of this breakup. Were you quick to break up from your question. It sounds like he didn't regret it until you realize he was happy. So maybe journal about what's that about? It doesn't sound like you tried to get back together next day. It sounds like you tried to get back together when you found out he was with someone else. That sounds like a childhood wound might have been triggered. Like maybe you felt in that moment, like you weren't good enough you felt unworthy, or that winning and losing that competitive mentality might have kicked in. And my guess is that is rooted in before this relationship. I just want to get real honest with yourself, get to the root of why you did this and why you regret it. The more clarity you can get, the less likely you are to repeat this. I think you're not sitting with yourself and listening to your own heart. So along with journaling meditation is so important because quieting your mind allows your heart to speak. Like I mentioned in previous questions, and you have the answers you need. You just have to get out of your own way. So another thing that I already mentioned, but I want you to forgive yourself, this is a really hard lesson. But you need to forgive yourself so you can forgive yourself through meditation. You can forgive yourself through journaling, you just have to sit with yourself and work on forgiving yourself. I'm going to link in the show notes. Hop opponent Ono video that I have already talked about. But a great forgiveness practice is how proponent Oh no, it's a Hawaiian prayer. And you repeat to yourself. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you, I love you. And you sit with why you ended this relationship and you say those phrases to yourself. And you can say these to yourself or in your mind's eye picture your partner, your ex boyfriend and forgive him as well for moving on because that does hurt. It hurts that he moved on so quickly. And you're just going to forgive yourself by getting in touch with yourself by loving yourself through this by allowing yourself to feel these feelings and to accept what you've done and to accept that this relationship is over. And that you did break up with him. And that's okay. There's more People out there. And this is a great opportunity for you to fall in love with yourself. And the third thing I want you to do is I want you to disengage entirely from your ex boyfriend. So if you haven't already, I want you to block him on all apps. I want you to delete his number, I want you to block his number. We live in a world that makes it hard to move on because of the constant trigger of seeing somebody we've tried to end a relationship with. That trigger can bring up all these feelings. And though I believe in feeling our feelings and moving through them, I think when it comes to breakups, you don't have to see this person all the time, you don't have to see that they're happy when you're unhappy. stalking your ex does not help you move on. It's okay to block people. We don't owe anyone a look into our lives. And we shouldn't be looking at people that we still need to heal from or that trigger us. It's not ignoring it. It's allowing yourself distance so that you can look at this relationship you had when you want to. Because I think that we live in a culture where people do end up stalking their exes on apps and seeing what they're up to and looking at pictures of them. No, we got to stop doing that disengaged block,
it's not a bad thing to do. It's good for your mental health. I really, really think that'd be good for you. It's okay. It's okay to block people. It's okay to unfriend people. And we have to stop taking offensively when people block her in front of us. It's fine. Just let it go. We have stopped taking everything so personally. So I also just want to say before I wrap up this question that part of the disengaging too, and part of the accepting what happened is I don't want you to compare yourself to this girl from college. So it sounds like you know the girl he's dating now. And I think that can be really hard when people we you know, our exes start dating people we know or start really dating anybody because we do compare ourselves to that person. Like, what about them and not me. And I don't want you to compare yourself. You're different people. And you're lovable. She's lovable, but just focus on you right now. Just take this time to really fall in love with yourself. I promise that you will move past this, I promise it'll get easier. And you'll realize that it was probably for the best that this relationship ended and that you did break up with him and you'll be in a better place in the next relationship you start. And I wish you a lot of luck and I love you and I'm sending you so much love. And this too shall pass. Thank you for this question.
Thank you for joining me for another episode of New View Advice. For today's free resource corner, I have compiled a list of heartbreak meditations that I found on YouTube, so anyone can access these. And I recommend listening to these meditations with headphones, I find headphones really help us to get in it rather than listening to it on our phone speaker. So I recommend putting on headphones and listening to these meditations. They range from 10 to 30 minutes. And if you feel intimidated by 30 minutes, listen to the 10 Minute one. And don't do it while driving. We could do it first thing in the morning while you're in bed. You can do it right before you go to sleep you can put in your headphones and you can fall asleep while listening to these. But slowing your mind down allowing yourself to feel your feelings are two of the first steps of healing heartbreak. There are a lot of feelings here that are real. And I really hope these meditations help you if you do listen to these meditations. I'd love to know your thoughts. So please reach out and let me know what you think of any of these. Thanks again for joining me for another episode of newView advice. I'm so grateful to every person who takes the time out of their busy week to listen to this podcast. I love answering your questions and discussing the healing process. If you have a question about anything from trauma to relationships, to healing to anything under the sun, I'd love to hear from you. I want to help you move through whatever you are going through. And I know the healing process can feel lonely. So my goal is to create a space where you can feel less alone and you can ask your most vulnerable questions. If you have a question you would like to hear answered on the podcast you can email me at newviewadvice@gmail.com. Visit my website www.newviewadvice.com and select the Ask a Question tab at the top of the webpage. Or you can send me a direct message on Instagram at newviewadvice. No question is too big or too small. Thank you again for joining me Amanda Durocher for another episode of New View Advice. As always, I'm so grateful to be here with you and to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. See you next time.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
