119: How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection
In this episode, I explore how to overcome the fear of rejection. I answer a listener's question about struggling with the fear of rejection in love, specifically feeling frozen when it comes to asking someone out on a date. I also dive into how and why the fear of rejection can leave us feeling paralyzed, triggering the freeze response. Throughout the episode, we discuss why the fear of rejection is so overwhelming, how it's a very human (and unavoidable) experience, how to recognize fear cycles, and strategies to move past them.
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Timestamps ⏱️
Introduction: 0:05
Listener Question: 2:14
Outro: 26:10
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice with Amanda Durocher. Hi, beautiful soul. Welcome to New View Advice. My name is Amanda Durocher. And if you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers you seek. I believe you have the answers. You just may need a new view and a little help along the way.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:19]:
Thank you so much for joining me for today's episode. Today's episode is about the fear of rejection, and I am answering a listener question about how to overcome the fear of getting rejected. Rejection is a painful emotion. Nobody likes to be rejected. I know that every time I've been rejected in my life, it has been so painful because it really triggers those core wounds and is so tied to us feeling worthy and us feeling accepted and us feeling lovable. So, of course, we can fear rejection. But today, we wanna talk about how to move forward and how to not allow that fear of rejection to keep us stuck Because that's what so often can happen with these big fears, like a fear of rejection, is that it keeps us stuck in a loop and in a fear cycle, and then we are unable to move forward. And so today, I wanna talk about how we can begin to look at this fear of rejection, work with this fear fear of rejection, move forward, be kind to ourselves throughout this fear of rejection.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:14]:
And I really wanna encourage everybody out there who is struggling with this fear of rejection that you're not alone. It is very, very human. And as I talk about in every episode where I mention rejection, rejection feels just as painful to our brain as physical pain. So it is something we try to avoid. So we're gonna talk about that throughout today's episode. But my intention for this episode is to help you to overcome this fear of rejection and to know that it's normal to have this fear of rejection, but to no longer feel stuck by this fear. Because, truthfully, that's what fear does. It keeps us stuck and keeps us from moving forward, and it keeps us from following our heart.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:47]:
So I'm excited to dive into today's episode about the fear of rejection. I think this is such a relatable question. And before I do, I just always like to mention that if you're interested in learning more about New View Adviceor interested in some free resources like journal prompts, meditations, and more, you can check out my website, newviewadvice.com. And today's episode show notes will be at newviewadvice.com/119. So with that, let's jump on into today's episode. Hey, Amanda. First off, I just wanna thank you for the podcast. It's been a real lifeline for me.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:18]:
I stumbled upon it during a tough go of things, and it's honestly helped me be more compassionate with myself. So I'm truly grateful for your work. I've got a question for you. There's this girl I really like, and I've been wanting to ask her out for a while, but every time I think about making a move, I freeze. The fear of rejection is holding me back, and I can't seem to push through it. I find myself imagining what I'd say to her, even practicing it in my head. But when the moment comes to actually talk to her, I just don't say anything at all. I also worry that she's heard things about my past, and I'm afraid she might judge me based on that.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:46]:
I've changed a lot in the past year, but I'm still scared that she'll see me as somebody I used to be rather than who I am today. It feels like I'm stuck in a cycle of fear. Part of me knows there's no way to predict if she'll feel the same as I do, but that knowledge doesn't seem to quiet the anxieties I have. Do you have any advice on the fear of rejection and how to actually take the step to ask her out? Thanks so much for everything you do. Thank you so much for this question, and thank you for your kind words about the podcast. I'm really grateful that it was able to help you through a tough time in your life. That is always my hope with these episodes is that these episodes reach people who they can help. So thank you so much for sharing that with me.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:20]:
And now I wanna jump into the fear of rejection. I think that this is such a human fear, and I know I can relate to the fear of rejection. For me, recently, it's been in friendships. So I've actually been dealing with this fear of rejection as well. So I am right there with you. I think the fear of rejection is so common because it's tied to our need for acceptance. It's part of human nature to be accepted. We wanna be accepted by a group.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:43]:
It's honestly tied to our evolution. Right? We are not meant to be isolated. We are meant to be in community, and we are in community through being accepted. So when we're rejected, we feel rejected by a community or by a person, but it triggers an inherent need for connection, acceptance, and love. We also often tie acceptance to worthiness. So so many people believe I am worthy when I am accepted or when people approve of me. So when we are rejected, it can really trigger that feeling of unworthiness and that poor wound so many of us struggle with of feeling unworthy. Unfortunately, I think it's a common thread throughout humanity that so many of us feel unworthy, which is not true, but it is a journey home to self to remember our own worthiness.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:29]:
And along the way, the fear of rejection will come up to trigger that so that we look at it. That's what I believe. But the truth is with being accepted, because we do need acceptance from others and community, but the truth with that is that not everyone is going to accept us. Not everyone is going to like us, and it is unavoidable to be rejected at some point in time. And my belief is many of us who are listening to this have already experienced rejection. And when we sense danger, which our body and our mind consider rejection danger, it will do all it can to avoid that danger. So you described feeling frozen. You said you freeze every time you go to actually ask this woman out.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:10]:
And to me, that's a trauma response. That's a stress response. That's as I said, your body is sensing danger, and that danger your body is sensing is that it knows it will be painful if you are rejected. It's trying to avoid pain, so your body is going into the freeze response, which I think many of us freeze and go into inaction around things that feel really scary and that we fear will leave us in pain. And I think that this is common in, as you mentioned, romantic pursuits, but I think that this fear can come up in all sorts of relationships. We can fear rejection in friendships or in working environments or in new groups or if we move to a new town or a new place. We can struggle with this fear of rejection. And I think it's interesting that you've mentioned in your question that you've changed over the past year because I'm also wondering if this fear of rejection is coming up for you because you are more yourself than ever before.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:00]:
You've changed. You've grown. You've healed. And I found throughout my own healing journey is that every time I peel back some layers of a version of myself who I was not really or I view it as a death. So I lay in the grave this old version of myself. So for me in my life, let's say it was, like, my drinking self. Right? So I used to drink a lot. I've been sober for years now.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:20]:
But when I used to drink, it was like this persona I used to wear. I used to wear drunk Amanda. And when I finally put her to bed, it was very healing for me. It was very important. I then had to go through a period where I embraced my sobriety, but I did it alone for a while because I had to learn who this new version of Amanda was. And then when I started stepping out into the world again, I found I would fear this rejection more than I had in the past. Because in the past, I had been wearing a persona of who I wasn't really, but I knew how to get that girl accepted. So drunk Amanda was easily accepted in groups of people who liked to drink.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:53]:
I knew how how to avoid the fear of rejection. I knew how to avoid rejection in a way. But when I embraced sober Amanda, she had to learn how to be in the world in a new way, and that was scary and would trigger my fear of rejection. I mentioned that here because you said that you've changed a lot in the past year. So I wonder if this fear of rejection is coming up because you are a new version of yourself, and it's vulnerable to be a new version of yourself. The more we connect back to our hearts, the more we connect back to the truth of who we are, the more vulnerable we become. Because we, when we were children or at other points in our life, we put on these personas and these masks and these different ways of being that aren't truthful to us as defenses to the world or as ways to be accepted. But as you found, it sounds like, and as I found throughout my own life, we can only do that for so long until it becomes too painful to be somebody who we're not.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:42]:
And so the more we connect back to the truth of who we are, the scarier it is to show that version of ourself to the world. Because normally, that version of ourselves, the truth of who we are, we've hidden away because they have been rejected or they've been abandoned or they've been made fun of. And so we put on these different personas or ways of being because, 1, we're taught them in family structures or in the way we grow up, but also because they were defense mechanisms. We didn't want to get hurt. And so it sounds to me like you are entering a new way of being, a new chapter of your life, and you're coming across a new fear. A new fear of I used to be 1 way, and now I'm a new way, and will I be accepted in this new way of being? And I think that that is a beautiful place to be. I actually think of this process that we go through many times in life. You will likely go through this process again because I know that I have gone through this process many times before.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:37]:
I didn't only go through this process when I went sober. I went through this process of laying to rest versions of myself that no longer fit. Like old clothes, they no longer fit. They're no longer in fashion. So the more I embrace my style, my way of being, the more I come up against fears of, oh, but what if the world hates this version? What if I'm left all alone in this version of myself? And those are just fears. But this process that I'm describing, I'm reminded of a caterpillar. So when you're a caterpillar, you're an entirely different being than a butterfly. So oftentimes, we're a caterpillar, and then when we are healing or we are embracing a new way of being or we're changing or we're forgiving ourselves for past mistakes, we go into the cocoon, and we have to become self reflective.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:20]:
We have to get to know ourselves. In the cocoon is where we see, that version of myself no longer fits. Or, I've made some mistakes in my past, and I wanna make amends there. I wanna forgive myself. I want to ask for forgiveness if that's necessary, but I want to change. And so we change within that cocoon. Think about it. A caterpillar goes from being a caterpillar to breaking down within that cocoon to a complete different state of being to then becoming a butterfly.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:48]:
But the process that I feel like you're going through is that process of breaking open the cocoon. And you're not quite a butterfly yet, but you're no longer a caterpillar, and that cocoon no longer fits. You can't be alone and isolated anymore. You need to step out of your comfort zone. You can't ever ask somebody out without engaging with somebody else. So you have to step outside that cocoon, outside that period of isolation, that change you've experienced within, and you have to invite somebody to see the new you. But the caterpillar actually struggles to get out of the cocoon. And if somebody tries to open the cocoon for the caterpillar, it actually dies.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:24]:
It needs to do it on its own. But it takes time, and it's an uncomfortable process. It creates discomfort. And so the process you're currently going through is an uncomfortable process. Asking somebody out and fearing rejection is uncomfortable. We fear pain, but also you have this layer on top of it that you're a new version of yourself that you're likely feeling this fear of showing the world. And I think that's a beautiful place to be, and you are in a beautiful amount of discomfort. I know that might be an annoying answer, but I really think that discomfort is where the most growth happens, and it's where we get to see our growth edges, and we get to see and embrace those new ways of being.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:02]:
In my life, I mentioned that I've been also experiencing this fear of rejection in friendships. So I have been trying to make new friends where I am because I found myself not really knowing many people here in Scottsdale. I'm not originally from here. I was like, Amanda, you have spent so much time by yourself. It's time to go out there and meet people. And when I was going on bumble b f f dates, I'll be honest, I was nervous. I was afraid of being myself and being rejected. And what I found time and time again is that by being myself, I began to connect with people in a way I hadn't connected with people before or in a very long time, and that's a beautiful gift I gave myself.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:43]:
And, also, what I got to see is that the people who didn't vibe with me, I also didn't vibe with them, and I no longer took it personally. It wasn't like, oh, no. This person doesn't like me. It was more like, oh, we don't mesh well. And I mentioned that to you because with this person who you wanna ask on a date, my guess is you've probably placed them a bit on a pedestal. I think it's very common for us to place each other on pedestals. When we admire somebody, it is natural to place somebody on a pedestal. But I want you to begin to think about yourself and lift yourself up on a pedestal as well.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:18]:
I used to say let's take people off pedestals, but recently, I'm like, why don't we raise ourselves to be on the pedestal with them? So if you admire about this person, you think that they're a beautiful person, I invite you to look at yourself and see your own beautiful qualities. If you think they're very kind, remember you have that same kindness within you. And say you think they're a really intelligent person, remind yourself of your own intelligent qualities. Remind yourself what you offer a relationship as well and begin to lift yourself up too so that you meet this person on that pedestal. You can meet somebody where they're at. I think it's beautiful that we actually can lift each other up. And that's why I've changed my view from knocking ourselves off the pedestal to lifting ourselves up to be on the pedestal with somebody is because I think it's beautiful that we can invite each other to be better versions of ourselves. So I think what we admire in somebody else is oftentimes what we're looking for within.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:05]:
So for me, I admire really courageous people because I'm always striving to be more courageous. Also, I admire really outspoken people because throughout my life, I've felt silenced. I've felt like I can't speak my truth or I've really feared speaking my truth, so I admire those people. And instead of knocking those people off pedestals and being like, they're not that good, I've decided to be like, you know what? I can meet them on that pedestal too. I can remember my own courage. I can remember my own voice, and I can remember that I have these qualities that I admire in them as well. And I think that that helps when asking somebody out because I think maybe you're suffering a bit with this freeze response because you're admiring this person and you're putting them on this pedestal and you're creating all these expectations of this person. And at the end of the day, this person's a human too, and this person likely struggles with some of the same fears you struggle with.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:53]:
Fear of acceptance, the fear of being unworthy, the fear of being unlovable. This person wants to feel accepted as well. This person wants to connect with somebody romantically as well. So remembering that you and this person, you're very different, but you're also not that different because you're both human and you both understand each other. We both can have empathy for what it's like to want to be accepted. You know, I kept reminding myself that on the Bumble BFF dates is I kept being like, everybody who is on this app is looking for friendship. So at the end of the day, it's not about, is this person better than me or worse than me? We are all striving for connection, and I have to remember that. So when we show up on these Bumble BFF dates and maybe we don't jive, it doesn't mean anything about me and that I'm not worthy of friends, and it doesn't mean anything about them and that they're not worthy of friends.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:40]:
It just means we didn't jive. But, also, when I remember that we're all searching for connection, I'm actually able to connect with these people better because I'm not trying to impress them, and I'm not competing with them. Instead, I'm like, oh, we both just wanna connect here. How can we connect deeply in this moment? I hope that's helpful in some way. So now I wanna talk about this fear of rejection and how maybe you can begin to become aware of where this fear of rejection originated from or become a little less stuck by bringing awareness and your conscious mind to this fear of rejection. Because I believe fear is often what keeps us stuck. So as I mentioned, freeze is a trauma response. So oftentimes, when we sense danger, we can freeze, and it can keep us stuck because we don't want to get hurt or experience what we consider danger.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:28]:
And so how this trauma response plays out in daily life is it can lead us to inaction. That's what I find in my life. When I feel frozen and I can't act towards something, very often for me, it's that it's triggering a deep fear of something. So how do we begin to free ourselves from this loop and move forward? So my first piece of advice would be to figure out what you are afraid of here. So you mentioned the fear of rejection, but what is the belief being triggered with that fear of rejection? So what I mean by that is what would it mean to you to be rejected? What's the story you're telling yourself? If you are rejected, does it mean you're unlovable? If you are rejected, does it mean you're unworthy? If you're rejected, does it mean that you're too much? If you're rejected, does it mean you're not enough? These are all just stories you're telling yourself because at the end of the day, if this person rejects you, it means nothing about you. There could be a million reasons this person doesn't wanna go on a date with you, and none of them could do with you. It could be that this person doesn't have time in their schedule. It could be that this person's attracted to a different gender.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:30]:
It could be that this person's already dating somebody. It could be that this person doesn't have the capacity for dating right now. It could be that this person just came out of a relationship. It could mean a million different things, and none of them do with you. But we often internalize rejection as if it does something with us. So I want you to begin connecting to what are the stories that are keeping you stuck. What is your biggest fear here with being rejected? Like, in the worst case scenario, what would it mean? And for me, for example, with the friendships, if I was rejected by friendships, the deep core wound for me is that there would be nobody there. I'd be absolutely abandoned.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:06]:
So for me, rejection and abandonment have become tied together because throughout my life, many moments when I was rejected, I was also abandoned. So somebody would reject me and then leave when I needed somebody the most. So these 2 wounds, rejection and abandonment, are so tied for me. So similar with you, for me, it can lead me to freeze because it's so scary, the idea of being rejected and abandoned because of traumas I've experienced throughout my life. So I mentioned that here just as an example. But for you, I invite you to become really aware of what the real root of this is. And I also wanna say with this fear of rejection, there could be multiple stories tied into it, so be patient with yourself. I know for me with many of the stories I tell myself, it's not just 1 layer, 1 moment in time.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:49]:
It's many moments in time. And so that's why healing is a process. But I invite you to become aware of when did you first become afraid of rejection? Did you experience rejection by your parents, by a sibling? In your last relationship, did you experience rejection? Did you experience rejection in friendships? In high school? In your youth? But we want to become aware of when we created these stories. Because as I mentioned, when we are rejected, it truly doesn't do anything with us because rejection is unavoidable as a human, and not everyone is going to like us, and it doesn't mean anything about us. It took me a very, very long time to understand that. And how I truly came to understand that not everybody was gonna like me was by continually looking at and healing the reasons why I felt like I needed people to like me. And that oftentimes went back to trauma throughout my life for me. I also wanna mention here that you mentioned your past.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:43]:
And with looking at the fears here and what may be triggering your fear of rejection, I also wanted to bring up how you mentioned that you were worried about this person knowing about your past. And I'm not sure what you're referring to here, but I do invite you to be kind to yourself and to remind yourself that you have changed and that you can forgive yourself for those past mistakes. Because I'm also wondering here with your question if you are a bit stuck because you have not fully forgiven this past version of yourself, if you haven't fully let go of who you used to be. It makes sense there would be discomfort here because you don't wanna be judged for that past self as you embrace a more vulnerable version of yourself. So this involves a lot of self forgiveness, just reminding yourself that you have changed. It's okay to have made mistakes. We all make mistakes, and we all have really hard moments in life that we wish we could take back. We all wish we didn't say that thing, or we didn't date that person, or we didn't do that thing, or we didn't drink too much that 1 time.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:42]:
Whatever it may be, We all have those moments. And in order for us to move forward, it's important for us to forgive ourselves. Because when we forgive ourselves and we let go of our past mistakes, then we're no longer afraid of others judging us for those past mistakes because we take away the power of that past mistake. And I just invite you to be really kind to yourself because as I mentioned with that butterfly example, as you step out of the cocoon, it's uncomfortable, and you are learning to love this new version of yourself who was likely taught to hide. The more we step into the truth of who we are, that version of ourselves has always been there, or it's very much connected to very young versions of ourselves. But we were taught that there was something wrong with that version of ourselves, our more compassionate self, our empathetic self, our funny self, our big self, our bright self, our goofy self. And the more we step into those ways of being, it's vulnerable and it's scary, and we have to forgive ourselves for who we were in the past when we forgot who we truly were because we were often trying to impress somebody or we were playing a role or we were stuck in trauma response. Like, oh my goodness.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:49]:
I wish I could take away the shame everybody feels from trauma responses, the ways we end up being in the world after experiencing horrific things. And it's just a process to come home to ourselves. It's a process to be the version of ourselves who we're proud of, who we love, who's connected to the truth of who we are because we live in a world that often shames the truth of who we are and encourages us to live in defensive behaviors and to fight 1 another and to be divided. And that the more we connect back to our heart, it's a very vulnerable thing. So I just want to encourage you to continue being you, to continue stepping out of your comfort zone. And if this person judges you based off your past behaviors, it would be extremely painful. But the truth is, you deserve somebody who sees the new you. You deserve somebody who doesn't judge you.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:36]:
You deserve somebody who's willing to grow with you, who's willing to evolve with you, who's willing to see that you have inside you the ability to change, because not everybody on this earth changes. And not everybody on this earth is empathetic, and not everybody on this earth is looking to heal and grow together and not to lower your pedestal. Instead, hold that standard. I'm somebody who grows. I'm somebody who changes. Come up here. Come join me up here. I'm somebody who doesn't judge others for past mistakes because I've learned from my past mistakes.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:05]:
Come join me over here in non judgment land. Doesn't that sound fantastic? We can all dream. Right? But with all that joking aside, I do wanna say that if the thought process part is hard for you, I think with the freeze response, connecting back to the body is gonna be super helpful for you. So finding somatic ways to release this fear of rejection, that can be through breath work, through yoga, through exercise, through running. For me, when I have terror, panic, and fear arise, sometimes I just need to run it out. I go and I run 4 miles, I come back, and I just feel better. It's like energy that needed to be moved. And on that run, I am focused on that fear, and it's, like, processing with the movement.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:49]:
And so I mentioned that because connecting back to your body is an individual experience, and you're gonna find the practices that work best for you. But if that cycle I talked about with looking at the fears and where they originated and looking at past experiences, if you're like, I can't even. I'm so frozen. Find a way to connect back to the body. Oftentimes, the freeze response can be thawed. That's how I view it, like an ice cube through some sort of movement. And so I invite you to find a way to connect back to your body. And before I wrap this question up, as always, I like to end it with, be kind to yourself.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:22]:
You're healing. You're growing. You're changing. You're human. There's nothing wrong with any of that. And the more vulnerable we become, the more we're gonna come up against fear. Fear is a part of the human journey, and we wanna learn to dance with fear rather than allow fear to control us. I don't think fear is going anywhere.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:40]:
I used to believe maybe I could heal my way out of fear. I don't think that's true. I think as we evolve, we're always gonna come up against fears. It's because fear is there every time we try something new. Because with that danger response that fear can trigger, when we do something new, we we trigger that, oh my gosh. Is this okay? Am I okay? I haven't done this before. The unknown triggers fear. Change triggers fear.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:06]:
That's okay. We have to understand that fear is just a part of life. It's a part of being human. But to say a quote that I actually couldn't find who originally said it, maybe George Adair who's an author, but the quote is, everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear. And that is a quote I have had on every vision board I have made since I was probably 20 years old. Because that quote, everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear, continues to be true for me over and over again. Even in those moments I'm rejected, or I'm abandoned, or I experience something awful because I stepped outside of my comfort zone, that movement forward towards the truth of who I am always leads me towards my true north. Every time I step outside my comfort zone, I learn more about myself, and I face my fears and I see how courageous I am.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:58]:
And that's true for you too. You gotta see your strength every time you face your fears. And so now, truly, before I wrap this question up, I wanna say go for it. If you need permission to ask this girl out, I am giving you permission. Go do it. The worst that will happen is that this fear you have, the fear of rejection, will come true. But you already know it, and you've already been struggling with it. So throughout this whole process, you've already been dealing with this fear.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:22]:
So it's the worst thing that can happen is what you have actually already been battling, and it may not even be true. She could be so excited. She could be like, oh my god. Thank god. This person finally asked me out. You won't know unless you do it. I find whenever we do something new, new doors open, and we see who we are, we get to embrace ourselves, we get to love ourselves deeper. Oh, that's the good stuff.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:45]:
So I encourage you to take the leap of faith and to ask this person out. You feel these feelings in your heart for a reason, and you will find out why that is only through action. Sometimes the best thing we can do is act. So if you need permission today, I give you permission to go ask this person out. So thank you so much for this question. I hope something is answered was helpful. I'm sending you so much love. Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of NewView Advice.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:14]:
As always, I'm so grateful to have these conversations each week and to connect about rejection and to talk about how we can begin to overcome this fear of rejection and move forward in our lives. If you haven't already, I invite you to rate and review the podcast. Ratings and reviews really help to bring more people to the podcast. I am just so grateful for everybody who takes the time to rate and review an episode that they enjoyed. Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of New View Advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you next time.
