75: How to Heal Feelings of Rejection in Relationships (Fear of Rejection)

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Oct 11

Rejection can feel as painful as physical pain and not only impact your self-esteem, but also can lead to feelings of loneliness, disappointment, embarrassment, or shame. In this episode, I discuss rejection, what rejection is, why it is so painful, and how to heal from feeling rejected in relationships.

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I also answer two listener questions: one from someone who recently felt rejected by someone they had been spending time with and someone else who felt rejected after getting physical with someone. By the end of this episode, you will learn how to start processing your past feelings of rejection or your fear or rejection so you can learn to trust again and show up in the world as your best authentic self.

Recommended Episode 🎙️

Free Journal Prompts

When you think of rejection, where do you feel it in your body? Is there an aching in your chest? A pit in your stomach? Does your body get tight? Spend some time reflecting on where you feel rejection in your body.
Think about a recent situation where you felt rejected. How did this experience feel when it first happened and how does it feel for you now? Do feelings of shame, sadness, or self-doubt arise? Reflect on all the feelings connected to this experience of rejection.
Download the full list of FREE journal prompts!

Book Recommendation 📚

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown

Timestamps ⏱️

Introduction: 0:00
Rejection Overview: 1:59
Question 1: 23:06
Question 2: 33:35
Outro: 47:13

Learn More About Rejection

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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started.
Hi, beautiful souls. My name is Amanda Durocher, and this is New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. It is not my intention to give you all the answers. I believe you have all the answers.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:27]:
You just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you for joining me for today's episode. Today, we are talking about rejection and how to heal from feeling rejected in relationships and how to heal from that deep core wound of rejection that so many people carry. And today, we're focusing on romantic partnerships, but rejection can happen in all different types of relationships. So I think the information And in today's episode, really can also apply to other relationships as well. So rejection can feel as painful as physical pain, and it not only can impact your self esteem, but it can also lead to feelings of loneliness, disappointment, embarrassment, and even shame. The fear of rejection can really be so overwhelming and can just have so many impacts in our lives, which is why I think this is such an important topic for us to discuss. So in this episode, we're going to dive into rejection and answer 2 listener questions to walk through how to understand and heal those feelings of rejection.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:18]:
By the end of this episode, you'll learn how to start processing your past feelings of rejection or your fear of rejection so you can learn to trust again and show up in the world as your authentic self and without that fear of rejection that so many of us have hanging over us. So I know I've had this fear of rejection in my life, and we'll talk about that throughout today's episode. So for this episode, I'm gonna start with a teaching where I talk a bit about rejection first before I answer the listener's questions. But before I jump in, I wanted to mention that I'll Free journal prompts on my website to assist you in processing and healing from rejection, and you'll be able to find those at newviewadvice.com/75. So with that, let's jump on into talking about rejection.
Rejection Overview
I wanted to begin today's episode by talking about what is rejection. So put simply, rejection are those feelings that arise when we are not accepted for who we are, when we feel rejected for being our true selves, and when we feel ostracized or excluded, but it's that real feeling of not being accepted. So when trying to heal from rejection, we wanna focus on the feelings of shame, sadness, grief, loneliness, anxiety, and self doubt because these are the feelings that people often feel when they are not accepted.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:32]:
As everyone knows, humans desire social contact. It's inherently human. We need other humans to survive, and people crave acceptance from society. And being rejected can incite negative feelings and emotions within us because it's really triggering that core need that everybody has to be accepted. So research shows that the feeling of rejection is an evolutionary tool that is hardwired into all of us. And why this is important is that it just reminds us that rejection and feeling rejected is a very human emotion, and it's part of the human experience. But most people don't know how to process their feelings and fear of rejection, so it's common for people to isolate themselves after feeling rejected or hold back their true selves or try to change themselves in order to not feel rejected. So I wanted to talk about where Rejection tends to originate from.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:25]:
So I believe that when it comes to rejection, many of us carry a fear of rejection because at some point in our life, we have been rejected. For many people, the original rejection we experienced was in childhood. So this could be feeling rejected from your parents. So, say, you were punished for a moment in time where you were showing up as your true self. Right? So for me, I was a very emotional child, and I was often punished for those emotions. But so I felt rejected in those moments because I didn't know how to be any other way, So I felt like my true self was being rejected. You can also feel rejected by your family unit as a whole, and this can lead to feeling like the black sheep in your family. And then if you feel like a black sheep in your family, you're gonna often take that out into the world and feel misunderstood in many different situations because you're carrying this core wound of feeling like a black sheep.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:15]:
You can also develop this fear of rejection or this core wound of being rejected through school. I know that was a really big one for me that I felt rejected so many times through friendships. So for me, one of the most challenging relationships that I've had to heal throughout My healing journey has been that of friendships and female friendships, and I'll be doing an episode in a couple weeks on female friendships because I I think there's so much to talk about there, but what I just wanna say about that is that if our peers reject us for who we are, if we feel excluded, if we feel like we're made fun of and bullied for who we are, then then we're gonna feel rejected because, again, that feeling of rejection is that we don't feel accepted for who we are. And so many times, we carry these wounds of being rejected into our adult lives. We can also be rejected in adult life, in romantic partnerships. We can be rejected from religious organizations. We can feel rejected At the workplace, we can be rejected through other experiences as well, such as being rejected from jobs you apply to or from colleges. I actually had that one come up for me recently where I didn't realize I was still holding on to this fear of rejection that was rooted in being rejected from my dream school that I applied to when I was 18.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:24]:
I didn't realize I was still carrying that around, but recently, that was triggered. And I was like, Oh my gosh. I'm still afraid of being rejected because in that moment, I felt so vulnerable, and I really thought I was gonna get into this school. And when I was rejected, it was so heartbreaking. Right? I think everybody listening to this episode understands how painful rejection is. Right? Nobody likes to be rejected. Did. Nobody likes to feel like they're not accepted.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:49]:
And what happens with rejection, the reason why I am bringing up that rejection is often rooted in childhood is because what happens when we are rejected is we often internalize it as if I am not enough. I am not good enough. I am wrong. I am bad. I am unlovable. I am unworthy. Those are some of the core wounds that are created from rejection, which is why rejection is so painful and which is why when we are rejected in adulthood, it often goes back to our childhoods where we created these root belief systems that we weren't good enough. Because oftentimes in childhood, we show up authentically, naturally.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:32]:
We don't know how to be something else yet, and it's when we show up in situations as ourself and we are rejected is where we learn to change cells. It's where we learn to show up differently. It's where we learn that who we are, quote, unquote, isn't good enough, so let me try something else. That's a child's mindset that we often take into adulthood because we continue to change ourselves to fit in. But the truth is in any moment we're rejected, it's actually not about us. And that's a really hard lesson sometimes because it's like When I was rejected from my dream school, how is that not about me? How is that not about me being not smart enough? The truth is it just isn't about me. When the school is making decisions, they weren't like Amanda Durocher is not good enough to go to this school. They were just like, this is our yes pile.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:19]:
This is our no pile. But I internalized it as if I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't good enough. I didn't do anything with that. Those are my beliefs. So those are stories I created around it. Right? Same with I had a lot of trouble in female friendships growing up. I felt rejected all the time.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:35]:
I felt like I would make a friend. I would show up as myself, and then they would leave and make more popular friends or new friends, but they would leave me behind. So I created this belief that I'm not good enough and that I have to change myself. So I started changing myself in all my female friendships. I started showing up in Certain groups in different ways, but none of them were Amanda. They were different versions of myself that I was trying on. I viewed them as Costumes. Like, with this person, I would be drunk Amanda.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:03]:
With this person, I'd be funny Amanda. With this person, I'd be the Amanda who listens to all your problems. But I was never showing up as Amanda, Just Amanda who was all those things into 1 and more. And so I mentioned this because this is oftentimes what happens with rejection. We begin to change ourselves. We begin to be different versions of ourselves, or we begin to withdraw. So we begin to isolate ourselves because it is, Again, so painful to be rejected because what we are searching for as humans is love, to love ourselves, to love one another, and to be loved by others. So when we are rejected, when we put ourselves out there, it's painful when that love is not reciprocated.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:46]:
Right? For the example of my dream school, I loved that school. That was very vulnerable. And so vulnerability goes hand in hand with feeling acted because when we feel rejected, we were almost always allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Because in the future, if we show up not vulnerably, It doesn't hurt as much when we're rejected because we're like, I didn't care anyway or, oh, I didn't really like that or, oh, whatever. That wasn't really me, so it doesn't matter. It's really when we're vulnerable, when we let those guards down, when we show up as who we are, when we allow the world to see us without a mask on, without a costume, to go back to that example, that it hurts when we're rejected and when it really feels like, oh my god. I'm not good enough. Oh my god.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:31]:
They didn't like what they saw here. What does that mean about me? And then the stories we start to tell ourselves. I hope that makes sense. So So we've sort of covered this, but I also wanna talk about why is rejection so painful. So as I mentioned, studies have shown that rejection can be just as painful in the brain and body as it is to experience physical pain. So that's painful. Right? So we are constantly trying to protect ourselves from physical pain, and so why wouldn't we try Try to protect ourselves from rejection. Right? Because we don't want to hurt ourselves.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:00]:
We don't want to be in pain. So we oftentimes develop a fear of rejection to Keep us from feeling pain because that fear will keep us from putting ourselves out there in ways that our mind and body interpret as safe or as situations that would lead to rejection. So the fear of rejection, I think, is one of the reasons why people fear vulnerability because if you show up Authentically, you show up as your true self and somebody rejects you, it's incredibly painful. And that's why rejection is very closely tied with Shame. So shame, as I've talked about on many episodes, is when you internalize a belief about something you did. So for example, Shame and guilt are often talked about together. So guilt is I did something bad. For example, I broke a cup.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:45]:
Oops. I broke that cup. I did something bad. Can I help you clean that Shame is, oh my gosh? I broke a cup. I am bad. It's internalizing that you are that mistake, that you are wrong. And so I mentioned this because with rejection, we oftentimes start to internalize this rejected experience as I am bad. I am wrong.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:07]:
I am not enough. I am unworthy. I am unlovable, which are all untrue. Right? We are always enough. We are always worthy. We are always lovable. If somebody can't love us in a moment, it actually says more about them than it does about us. We are always enough.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:25]:
We are always worthy, and that's why it's so important to heal and to create that connection with Self. Because the more you feel enough within yourself, the more that somebody rejecting you will not trigger you because you'll know that that rejection isn't really about you. It's about them. For example, say you're a vulnerable person. So you put yourself out vulnerably and somebody can't accept that. Somebody reacts to it. They either get angry or they make fun of you. That's not about you.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:52]:
That's about their uncomfortability with their own vulnerability. You know, I think about my childhood where I felt really rejected for having so many emotions. That wasn't about me. That was about my parents and my family's uncomfortability with their own emotions and that they felt like they couldn't Fix mine. That has nothing to do with me. My emotions were always valid. What I needed was compassion and support, But instead, I was often left feeling rejected, and that same thing happened in female friendships. I would show up vulnerably, I would I'd show up as myself, and I would be rejected because it wasn't cool.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:30]:
You know? I was never really good at being cool, or I was Too emotional in those friendships too. I was a very emotional child. I'd experienced a lot of trauma. So a lot of my friends in my youth weren't comfortable with that either, But that wasn't about me. That didn't mean I wasn't enough. Maybe we weren't a match. That's okay. That doesn't mean I'm not enough.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:49]:
Maybe they were uncomfortable with their own emotions, so they couldn't be there for mine. That's okay. Again, has nothing to do with me. Maybe I wasn't cool enough for them. Okay. That doesn't have anything to do with me. That has to do with their beliefs around what quote, unquote cool is and what that means to them. It has absolutely nothing to do with me.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:09]:
I was always enough. I was always worthy, and I was always lovable. And I'm still enough worthy and lovable, and So are you. You are worthy. You are lovable. You are enough. And if you have been rejected, I am so sorry because it is so incredibly painful. But it's so important for us to begin to look at and process because this fear of rejection can really hold us back in life.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:30]:
In some ways that this fear of rejection can hold us back is that can cause us to be depressed, lonely, have social anxiety, and it can create negative thinking about ourselves. And everyone will experience at one point or another. So it's important to learn how to heal and process this rejection because though a lot of rejection that you feel today is probably triggering a core wound from the past. So, say, the 1st time you were rejected, you felt like you weren't enough. Moving forward, any other time you're rejected, you'll likely tell yourself, I knew it. I'm not enough. This is confirming I'm not enough, and it'll continue to trigger that core wound until you look at that or wooed. But with that said, it's still gonna be painful when you're rejected in the present.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:15]:
So healing from rejection involves looking at the past and sitting with the present. Right? So say you were rejected from a job, and that triggers your wound of not being good enough, and you could start to track and see where maybe that originated from. It doesn't mean that today when you were rejected from that job, it didn't just hurt. Oftentimes, when we're rejected, It is also something we need to grieve because we thought something was gonna go differently. We don't often put ourselves in situations where we can be rejected, and then expect that rejection. So we still have to process all the rejection. Right? Past, present, future. We're just going to have to learn how to sit with, feel, and process of rejection.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:56]:
So my 1st piece of advice for healing from rejection is to practice self care. So when you feel rejected, it feels painful, and you need to take care of yourself. If you hurt your leg, you'd take special Care to heal your leg. You may need a cast. You may need to get X rays. You may need to bandage it up. You may need to leave it lifted. You may need to take some time not walking on that leg.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:18]:
It's the same thing you need to do with yourself when you experience rejection. Rejection's painful. As we've talked about, the brain registers the pain of rejection the same as physical pain. So you need to take care of yourself when you experience rejection. So it's important to be kind to yourself, to treat your mind and body with care. Maybe you have to go slowly for a little bit. Maybe it's about giving yourself permission to relax and to rest. It's about paying attention to yourself and listening to what you need because giving yourself that space to just feel that pain will help it to move and allow you to move forward.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:59]:
Because we wanna learn how to feel our feelings without Spiraling, so practicing self care and giving ourselves rest and time and kindness, kindness is so important, will allow us to feel the feelings without spiraling from the feelings. So my 2nd piece of advice is to bring awareness to your feelings of rejection. So as I've already mentioned, rejection often back to childhood experiences, and feeling rejection is so painful, and it can leave what I view as a scar on our heart. And it's through allowing ourselves to look at This past rejection that we're often able to heal and move forward from present rejection. So if there's a situation you're in right now that you feel stuck in the A feeling of rejection or you feel paralyzed by the fear of rejection, that to me would be a sign that it's probably rooted back in past rejection. So in episode 73, so 2 episodes ago, I discussed how recently I've gone through my own healing around this feeling of I am wrong. I felt like Like, for my whole life, I was wearing a pair of sunglasses that said I am wrong on them, and so I would view every situation through this lens of I am wrong. So any situation that happened, I internalized that I did something wrong in it.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:09]:
And this was rooted in a lot of painful rejection experiences from my You so I bring this up because though I was feeling rejection in the present, it was really rooted back to this belief I created that I am wrong from being rejected in the past. For me, it goes all the way back to really my family unit where I did feel like a black sheep in my family. I felt like everything I did was wrong. Nothing I ever did was right. So I created this belief that I am wrong because I was also told by my family that I was wrong so many times that what I was feeling, what I was doing, how I was reacting was wrong. And so I felt rejected by my family. I developed a belief, I am wrong, and then I continued to carry that belief throughout my life. I've like I said, I view it as glasses, And I wore these glasses and viewed the world through the I am wrong lens.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:00]:
And the only way I could remove these glasses was to go back and to see that I was wearing these glasses. Right? So many of us are wearing these, quote, unquote, glasses or carrying around these beliefs that we're not conscious of. So it takes that time, that intention, and that self love to begin to bring awareness to the past to see the beliefs that we're carrying around today. So another way to bring awareness to your rejection is to ask yourself if rejection is triggering one of your greatest fears. So are you afraid of being rejected and looking at that fear and what that rejection feels like to you? So does that Rejection, bring up the fear of being unworthy, of being not enough. What is the fear behind the rejection? And then I also invite you to explore through awareness how does the feeling of rejection impact your adult life? If you're feeling rejected from a romantic partnership, I invite you to see if your current situation Is unknowingly triggering that past event that could have left you feeling rejected if it's triggering Fear of rejection, or is it new rejection being developed in this moment? Right? That's okay as well. It's important for you to bring awareness to your situation and to see why this rejection is so scary or so painful or why you're feeling maybe stuck in it and unable to fully process this rejection. I talk about the healing journey is like an onion, and rejection's the same way where we're often peeling back the layers to the rejection because as I mentioned, rejection is oftentimes a Poor wound is oftentimes connected to the roots.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:39]:
Right? View it as a tree, and you go all the way down to the tips of the roots. Those tips of the roots are often tied to some form of rejection because that's where we develop these beliefs about ourselves that are just not true, but that are incredibly painful. So developing that belief, I'm not enough, will impact your entire life, impact all your relationships, if you're carrying that around. That's why healing from rejection is terrifying and also important because we want to look at where these beliefs of I'm not enough. I'm unworthy. I'm unlovable originated. Right? So oftentimes, when we start peeling back the layers, peeling back the layers of an onion, There's layers that we didn't even know were there, and that is oftentimes tied to rejection. And, again, I'll have journal prompts on my website to assist you with this.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:28]:
So if you're like, Amanda, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know where to start. Check out my website, newviewadvice.com/75, and I'll have journal problems about rejection to assist you with this process. My last piece of advice for healing from rejection is to practice self compassion. In. Be kind to yourself. Rejection triggers our deepest core wounds. That is incredibly painful.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:49]:
This is really real tough looking at rejection, and allow yourself the time to feel your feelings and be kind to yourself. Understand that Healing from rejection does not happen overnight. It's oftentimes, as I said, rooted to a lot of our core beliefs about ourselves. So this can take time. Right? I'm still healing my wound of rejection. Right? Because, like, the layers of the onion, More layers will just appear, and that's okay. But that's why self compassion is really important because this is not a process that happens overnight. So it's important to be kind to yourself throughout it.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:25]:
Because, also, the kinder we are to ourselves, the more safety we create within ourselves, so then the more layers of the onion that are able to be pulled back because that safety is required for healing. It's important for you to become the safe place that you needed throughout your entire life, But oftentimes, weren't given, but you can be that safe place now. You can create safety within yourself so that you can heal. And the more safety you create within yourself, the more of a safe place you will be in other relationships and will be with your loved ones, and that is a beautiful gift you can give to others and to this world. So it's important to be kind to yourself. I really believe healing from rejection is an invitation to be your own best friend. And then by allowing ourselves to look at our deepest fears, we're inviting ourselves to heal. And as I mentioned, when it comes to rejection, shame can often be tied to that rejection, And shame lives in secrecy, silence, and in judgment.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:19]:
That's a Brene Brown teaching. She's a leading expert on vulnerability and shame, and she talks about how shame can live in secrecy, silence, and judgment. And so a big part of healing from rejection is allowing this rejection to the surface. Right? No longer hiding it in secret, no longer being silent about it, and no longer judging yourself for it. So when we're rejected, We were looking oftentimes for acceptance outside of ourselves, and so healing from rejection is a journey about learning to accept ourselves for who we are and to love ourselves. So that is the introduction on rejection. Now I'm gonna answer 2 listener questions. But if you have any questions about that introduction, please reach out.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:55]:
You can email me at newviewadvice@gmail.com, and I would love to continue having this conversation with you about rejection.
Listener Question 1
Thank you so much for your podcast. I found your episode on unrequited love, and it resonated so much with me. I have a question. I'm in love with this guy who I go to school with. I'm in college, and we've been hanging out quite a bit. We're not officially dating or anything, but before summer break, we were spending a lot of time together. He's funny, kind, and smart.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:24]:
We live in different states, and I've been apart since school got out in May. At the beginning of summer, we texted almost every day, but about a month Into summer, he stopped responding to my text, and then I saw on his Instagram that he's back together with his ex. I'm crushed. I feel so rejected, and I'm having trouble moving on. I'm confused and don't understand why he chose her over me. Why isn't he into me? What did I do or can I do? Any advice would be really helpful. Feeling lost and and sad. Thank you so much for this question.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:53]:
I am so sorry you're feeling rejected after the guy you were talking to got back together with his ex. It a 100% makes sense why you are feeling rejected, especially when you're left guessing about a lot of things. It sounds like You didn't really get closure in this situation, so I am very sorry to hear that you are moving through these feelings of rejection. So I actually wanna start this answer with how you probably didn't feel like you got closure as I mentioned and how, one, I don't think closure is really ever as clean as we hope it is. I think maybe sometimes it can feel clean for 1 person and not the other person, But I think this idea of closure is almost one of those fantasies our mind hangs on to. Like, if I had only gotten closure, if I had only gotten answers Because a lot of times, those conversations where you ask somebody why they ended things or, in your case, why he got back together with his ex, The answer you get may not give you closure. It may just lead to more questions, or it may leave you feeling worse about yourself. I think that the idea of closure is, again, kind of a fantasy.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:00]:
So I think that many situations end without closure. You know, for me, I know that in my life, The relationships that have ended many times are friendships, and there are so many friendships where I didn't feel like I got closure. I actually don't know if I felt like I got closure in the end of many friendships. The ones that I feel like I got closure, I was probably the one who ended it, and I probably left that other person feeling as if they didn't get closure. So I just want to honor that the feeling of closure is real and wanting closure is real, but I do think it's a fantasy we hang on to. So letting go of the idea of closure can be helpful for you. And with that, I think it's really important for you to allow yourself to grieve this relationship. I think when we don't feel like we have closure, it's where we stay in our heads, and we bounce questions back and forth.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:48]:
Right? So here you ask, like, why isn't he into you? Why did he choose her over you? Like, you're in your head, and you're not allowing yourself to fully grieve the end of this relationship because it sounds like you're not interested in just being friends with this guy. You know? You use the word love. You're in love with him, And he ghosted you. He went no contact, and he's back together with his ex, and you're interested in him in a romantic way. To me, that doesn't sound like somebody you want to be with. And I know that may be hard to hear, but I think you deserve somebody who communicates with you, Somebody who notices your worth and somebody who reciprocates those feelings. Right? You know? Maybe he just viewed you as a friend. I don't know from this question or maybe he was really leading you on, and then he went no contact.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:38]:
Either way, I don't think that This is necessarily the healthiest relationship for you to continue, and it sounds like this person doesn't wanna continue the relationship because he stopped talking to you. And as painful as it is, right, as much as that feels like rejection, it's important for you to allow yourself to grieve this relationship. So I think for you, I have a few episodes on healing from heartbreak, which I think will be helpful for you as you grieve this relationship. So I recommend listening to episode 62, Healing from heartbreak and also episode 72, I talk with breakup coach Dorothy, and she gives great advice on healing from breakups. But I want you to really allow yourself to grieve the end of this relationship. As I mentioned, you deserve somebody who sees how great you are. And through this, I want you to pay attention to the stories you're telling yourself. So this leads me to my next piece of advice, which is that I want you to begin to identify if there are any beliefs or stories you are telling yourself.
Amanda Durocher [00:27:34]:
So as I mentioned, I want you to really get honest with yourself about what you are telling yourself because that is likely contributing to your pain. So for you here, for example, you said, I'm confused and don't understand why he chose her over me. That is a story you're telling yourself. Maybe it wasn't ever that simple that he chose her over you. Maybe he's the type of guy who's just into who's ever in his vicinity. Maybe he was talking to his ex the whole time. It sounds like you were never actually dating this guy, so maybe they Had a relationship the whole time that he just wasn't being honest with you about. I'm not sure, but you're creating a story that he chose her over you, And that's a story you're telling yourself.
Amanda Durocher [00:28:16]:
And with that story, I'd ask yourself what beliefs are attached to that story. So with that story, you're saying he chose her over me, so I'm not enough because, again, that I'm not enoughness is not true. You are enough. You are enough exactly as you are. You are enough in this moment. You don't even have to change yourself. So many people come to healing wanting to change themselves. It's not about changing yourself.
Amanda Durocher [00:28:38]:
It's about connecting back to yourself. It's about peeling back those layers of the onion that may not even be you. You are wonderful. You are amazing as you are, and you deserve somebody who sees those qualities in you. So I want you to really begin to look at what stories you're telling yourself and what beliefs may be triggered by this. Really bring awareness to what you're telling yourself here. Again, you don't know why they got back together, and it likely has nothing to do with you. And I know it can feel so personal, but it really likely had nothing to do with you.
Amanda Durocher [00:29:15]:
So I want you to see if you're internalizing things like she's better than me or I'm not worthy of love and calling yourself out for those stories you may be telling yourself and seeing if you've told yourself these stories before. So that's where we can start Connecting back to if this is rooted in your adolescence or in your childhood is the belief she's better than me or I'm not worthy or I'm not enough. How long have you been telling yourself those stories? Did your first love trigger those feelings? Did your childhood trigger those feelings? It's beginning to connect back to where these beliefs could have been created. But I want you to practice that self awareness and calling yourself out if you start kind of beating yourself up up in your head. Right? You deserve to be your own best friend. I don't want you bullying yourself in your head. I don't want you saying to yourself, I'm not enough. I'm unworthy.
Amanda Durocher [00:30:04]:
I'm not lovable. All untrue. You are amazing. You are lovable. You are worthy. You are enough. This person just isn't your person, and that's okay. Super painful to heal and to grieve, but you don't need to add on beliefs about yourself as you heal from this.
Amanda Durocher [00:30:24]:
Allow yourself to feel the pain. Notice the thoughts that may run through your head, but don't attach to them. That's the work. It's learning that our minds may run rampant. Our minds may tell us stories, but those stories aren't true most of the time, and we don't have to believe the stories our own mind tells us. That's a practice I want you to work on through this. My 3rd piece of advice is to set boundaries. I'm not sure if you've done this yet, but I invite you to create boundaries with this person, especially since you're returning to school or you may already be at school, but to set boundaries.
Amanda Durocher [00:30:58]:
You know? If this person left you on red all summer, they don't deserve your time or attention. You deserve to set boundaries. If they reach out when you get back to school, you don't have to respond. You're not being mean by not responding. I think we've created this culture with texting and DMs that we need to respond to every message we ever receive? No. You don't. Protect your energy. Protect yourself.
Amanda Durocher [00:31:20]:
Be that guardian that you wish you had probably when you were growing up. Right? Part of the healing is creating those boundaries for ourselves, and creating those guard posts that keep out those who don't treat us well. And I'll be honest. From what you've written me, I don't know this person. I don't think he treats you well. I think you deserve somebody who treats you like you're enough, who honors you, who respects to you, who communicates with you, who loves you. And so I want you to practice maybe setting some boundaries for yourself. My final piece of advice is to lean into that self care and that self compassion I mentioned, relationships can be really complicated because we can't control other people, and all we can do is focus on ourselves a lot of the times.
Amanda Durocher [00:32:04]:
So So it's important for you to take care of yourself, and I encourage you to really lean into self care because I'm not sure if you'll see this person when you're at School a lot, but it may require you taking a step back and giving yourself space when you need it, giving yourself what you need. And maybe there's days you just need to cry, and that's okay. Self care and self compassion is about allowing ourselves what we need in every given moment. So many of us are programmed or we are used to not putting our needs first, putting other people's needs first, And I want you to practice putting you first, and this isn't to be selfish and to just run off and be alone. It's to learn how to prioritize you because the more you prioritize you, the more you become your own best friend. You have your own back. And so that when you do go out in the world, when you put yourself out there vulnerably, You know you've got you, and you won't be knocked on your ass in the same way. You won't be knocked down.
Amanda Durocher [00:33:00]:
You'll be able to stand up sooner. Right? It doesn't mean we won't Ever get knocked down again? I know that I still get knocked down sometimes, but I'm just able to pick myself up quicker and easier because I have all the tools and because I'm my own best friend. It's all about learning how to flow with life. Life is gonna throw us curve balls. It's about learning how to flow with it rather than being demolished by life. I hope that makes sense. Thank you so much for this question. I am sending you so much
Listener Question 2
Dear Amanda, I feel so rejected and like such a fool.
Amanda Durocher [00:33:39]:
I don't know what to do. I met this guy a year ago through mutual friends, and I've had a crush on him since I met him. At first, we were just friends, but over the past year, we began talking more and more. Sometimes we would talk for hours on FaceTime. Over time, our conversations got flirtier and dear, and we even began sexting. About a month ago, our relationship finally went to the next level. We hooked up after a night out with our friends. We were both drinking, but not so much that we didn't know what we were doing.
Amanda Durocher [00:34:04]:
I really thought we both had a great time, and I thought things would finally progress from there, but he's become distant since. He said he doesn't know what he wants and that he thinks we should stop talking because he doesn't want to lead me on. I feel so rejected and heartbroken. I don't know what I did wrong. What should I do? Thank you so much for this question. I am so sorry that you experienced this. I wanna start this question with saying that you did nothing wrong. I'm gonna say it one more time.
Amanda Durocher [00:34:35]:
You did nothing wrong. And I think that this situation is much more common than you may think it is. You may feel like you're alone. You are a 100% not alone. Many people have experienced this, and I think that even though you knew this person for over a year, it sounds like this person may have not earned your trust entirely. It sounds like this person was not a trustworthy person, and I'm so sorry. And I'm so sorry that you experienced this. And I also just wanna call out right here from the beginning Somebody who says to you that they don't wanna lead you on after talking to you for a year and after having sex with you and after sexting with you is not taking responsibility for their own actions.
Amanda Durocher [00:35:16]:
That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them, and that to me is them showing you their true colors because they did lead you on. That's, to me, a form of manipulation saying that they don't wanna lead you on. You've been talking for a year. You have mutual friends. Like I said, you had sex. You've been sexy. Of course, you were let on. That has nothing to do with you, So I wanna really stress this because I don't want you to internalize this experience like there's something wrong with you.
Amanda Durocher [00:35:47]:
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. So my first piece of advice is that I want you to get real honest with yourself about this this relationship and about the beliefs you're telling yourself. Are you telling yourself that you were rejected because you weren't enough? Since the relationship became physical, Cole, you may be creating some narrative about that as well, but I wanna be really clear with you, and I want you to be clear with yourself about what is actually true and what are stories you are telling yourself. From what you wrote here, I'm sensing that this is the type of person whose Actions may not always match their words, and that's really important for you to notice. Because I think for you, the Abuse episode I did, which is episode 68, may be helpful for you because what I find is that emotional abuse can be subtle. And somebody who says that they don't wanna lead you on, but very clearly through their actions led you on could be somebody who can be a bit manipulative or can use these emotional abuse tactics that I talk about throughout that episode. Because, of course, he led you on. It's not like you met this person at a bar, Had never met them before.
Amanda Durocher [00:36:53]:
You've talked to this person for a year. Of course, you were developing a connection. And then just say, I don't wanna lead you on To make it sound like you being led on or you having feelings is a bad thing to me as a form of emotional abuse that's using your emotions against you. It's not wrong that you developed feelings for this person. But from your question, to me, it seems like this person may not be as trustworthy as you may have thought they were. So I want you to start bringing awareness to the relationship and beginning to really look at where have you noticed that their actions and their words may not match. And with this, looking for red flags, you may have not noticed. A lot of times, I think that there are red flags in relationships that we can only see afterwards because we were wearing blinders before.
Amanda Durocher [00:37:39]:
So as I mentioned earlier, I used to wear these glasses is that said I am wrong. Right? And I would look at the world as if I was wrong about everything. And it takes me taking off those Glasses to look at the world differently to see that I wasn't wrong. Right? So if you're wearing glasses that say this guy's perfect or this guy is great for me or this is a great guy, you may have to take off those glasses to see that he wasn't always a great guy, to see that he wasn't always honest. And so sometimes, unfortunately, it takes a relationship ending for us to be able to look at a relationship clearly. So So I invite you to really spend time journaling about this relationship and about the beliefs you've created, about any fears that are triggered, about these feelings of rejection, and about things that may be coming to the surface that you can see clearer now. So the next thing I wanna mention here is that shame is often mixed up with rejection, And I want you to become aware of any feelings of shame that may be arising because I mentioned this because you said you don't know what you did wrong And the belief I am wrong or that you did something wrong here, I think, is a shame belief. You're carrying this shame that you could have done something to fix this relationship.
Amanda Durocher [00:38:53]:
You could have done something better. You could have done something different. That you weren't enough is my guess about a belief that is triggered here. And that Because you weren't enough, this relationship failed or that it ended up the way it did with him saying he needs distance and didn't wanna lead you on. I bring this up because shame is so burdensome. Shame feels so heavy to carry around, and shame, as I mentioned earlier, lives in silence, secrecy, and judgment. So in order to free ourselves of shame, we have to bring shame to the light. Right? I imagine it as this dark burden, and when we shine light on it, it's able to dissipate and disappear.
Amanda Durocher [00:39:36]:
And so I want you to be honest with yourself because, also, when sex is involved, I find that shame can sneak its way in easier because sex is a very vulnerable act. And I think that it sounds like you really put yourself out there, and now you feel rejected. And that can create that shame that I'm not enough or I'm wrong. And I really want you to, 1, know that you're not wrong, 2, know that you are enough, and 3, begin to free yourself of this shame. You did nothing wrong. And, honestly, this question is reminding me of an experience I had in high school that I processed recently. I've mentioned on a bunch of episodes that over the past year, I've really been healing my teen years. That's probably the 4 years of my life I buried the deepest and are, like, at The core of my onions, I've been peeling back the layers because they are horrific, terrifying years to process, but it's also really freeing to free ourselves of shame.
Amanda Durocher [00:40:29]:
And I had So much shame buried in my teen years. It was like this heavy burden that I've been unburdening myself of. And one example I have from high school is that one of the first sexual Actual experiences I had was with this guy, and he and I were AIM ing. So this was the early 2000, I guess, Mid 2000s. And, you know, he said all the right things. He was really into me. And 1 night, he convinced me to sneak out and to spend time with him. And I look back and, you know, it's like those moments where, like, I should have known better, but I didn't know better.
Amanda Durocher [00:41:04]:
And the world would tell me I should have known what was gonna happen in that car at 2 in the morning with a boy I didn't really know. Right? Just because we had been AIM ing didn't mean I knew him. I look back now, and it's like, yeah. He wouldn't talk to me at school. I didn't know him. He didn't wanna be seen with me. But I was convinced that if I talk to him long enough, he'd become my boyfriend, and then he'd love me. And then I'd become friends with all his friends, and then I'd be really cool, and then my life would be perfect.
Amanda Durocher [00:41:30]:
None of that was true. Instead, I snuck out with a boy at 2 in the morning, and, you know, we're in his car and He kinda puts himself on me. I'm so uncomfortable with the situation, and it ends up going farther than I want. But I carry this experience with so much shame. I never spoke about it, and that's where shame lives. Silence and secrecy. But I carry this because I was so ashamed because afterwards, he wouldn't speak to me anymore. And I internalized all these beliefs.
Amanda Durocher [00:42:00]:
Like, I did something wrong. I must have been bad sexually because it was one of my for sexual experiences. I was like, I don't know what I'm doing here. I was buried in shame because everything I did, I felt like I was wrong for doing it. And I bring this up because I had been carrying this experience until recently. I had to process this experience recently because I've experienced a lot of sexual trauma that this was a lighter one for me to process, but it wasn't light as in easy, but it was just not as horrible as some of the other things I've survived. So I didn't understand that I was still carrying around this burden of shame, but I was because I never spoke about it. I carried it like I did something wrong to make this person who I was really into, and as I naively thought I could be in love with, that I thought our relationship could become something more that I was wrong, and I made myself wrong for it.
Amanda Durocher [00:42:56]:
When the truth is, I look back and he said all the right things. You know? He manipulated me. He knew exactly what to say to get me into the situation I was in. Sure. He did it to other people too. You know? But I lived with such shame for so long about it. And I mentioned that because It wasn't until recently I was able to even see those red flags I mentioned because I carried the shame, and shame will keep us from looking at the red flags because shame will blame us. Shame and blame go hand in hand.
Amanda Durocher [00:43:25]:
And oftentimes, when we're carrying shame, we're also carrying blame, and we're blaming ourselves for things that we don't deserve the blame for. Honestly, so much of life isn't about shame and blame. Right? Situations happen. I'm sure this guy had a lot of insecurities as well-being a teenage boy, And his actions were reflection of that, and that had nothing to do with me. And, again, I share that story because Here with your question, I see the shame, and I just wanna honor you and honor your experience and honor the fact that you don't have to carry that Shame. You don't have to carry that burden. There's nothing wrong with you, and I invite you to really see that. Because like I said, bringing that shame to the light, bringing that rejection to the light, Allowing yourself to really sit with it will help you to free yourself of it.
Amanda Durocher [00:44:13]:
So many of us don't sit with the shame and the rejection because it's so freaking painful, and we're afraid of it. We're afraid that we can't handle it. We're afraid the tears won't stop. We're afraid we'll be angry forever. We're afraid of our emotions. But as humans, we are emotional beings. Emotions are a part of us. It is a part of our DNA.
Amanda Durocher [00:44:35]:
So rather than being afraid of it, I invite you to befriend it. I invite you to become that mother or that father to yourself. I invite you to become your own best friend, and I invite you to encourage yourself to see this situation in a new light and to see that you did nothing wrong. And I just wanna wrap this question up the same way as the previous question that I invite you to offer yourself self care and compassion. This is a painful experience you're moving through. This shame or this blame or this rejection may be tied back to beliefs from your youth that we've talked about throughout this episode, but it doesn't mean you don't have to feel the pain and grieve this relationship. Because the truth is you probably put expectations on this relationship too. Right? Maybe you thought that he'd become your boyfriend.
Amanda Durocher [00:45:21]:
Maybe you thought that this relationship would go farther. Maybe you imagined this relationship different than how it's going. So So it's important for you to offer yourself that compassion and that self care because what you're going through right now is painful. You didn't expect this relationship to end this way. I'm sure you put more trust in this person because you have mutual Friends, so you didn't think that they would treat you this way. This is a real painful experience you're going through. I just invite you to be kind to yourself through this time. Offer yourself compassion.
Amanda Durocher [00:45:46]:
Give yourself the space you need. Give yourself the things you need. As we've talked about, rejection is just as painful as physical pain. If you were sick, you would take care of yourself. If you had a broken leg, you would take Care of yourself. If you burned your hand on the stove, you would take care of yourself. Treat rejection the same way. Take care of yourself.
Amanda Durocher [00:46:06]:
Be Kind to yourself. Allow yourself this experience, and don't make yourself wrong for it. Nothing you're feeling is wrong. Nothing about this experience is wrong. It's painful, but it's not wrong. It just is. You will get through this. And on the other side of this, you'll be even more deeply with yourself, and you'll be able to show up in a new way because you'll have spent time with yourself getting to know you better.
Amanda Durocher [00:46:32]:
Because what happens in a lot of these type of relationships is those expectations we put outside of ourself are really things we're looking for within us. Right? So I expect you to love me. Maybe I should look in the mirror and love myself a little bit more. I expect you to see me. Maybe I should look in the mirror and see myself more. That's the healing journey. It's really a journey coming home to self, and it's a beautiful journey. And though much of it can Feel painful.
Amanda Durocher [00:46:54]:
It's also filled with so much joy and lightness when we begin to free ourselves of the shame and the pains we're carrying from the past. So I hope something in here was helpful. I am sending you so much love. Thank you for this question. Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of NewView Advice. As always, I am so grateful to be here with you and to have these Stations, I really enjoyed talking about rejection with you today. I think it is such an important topic. So if you have any questions, please reach out.
Amanda Durocher [00:47:27]:
You can email me at newviewadvice@gmail.com, or Or you can visit my website, newviewadvice.com/question, and ask a question about rejection. I also would love to do an episode about maybe rejection in the workplace, I think that's another place where people can experience a lot of rejection or rejection in friendships or rejection in families. So if you have a question, please reach out. I'd love to continue this conversation. Thank you again for joining me for another episode of NewView Advice. As always, I am so grateful to be here with you and to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you next time