29: How to Heal from Being Cheated On in Relationships
Healing from being cheated on in a relationship takes time, patience, and a lot of self-love.
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In this week’s episode I answer two questions, one from someone who was cheated on in their relationship and wants to know if taking someone back who’s cheated is the best choice for them, and one about why do people who were cheated on return to the relationships that hurt them. I also talk about forgiveness and why we choose to forgive for ourselves, not for anyone else.
Journal Prompts:
Has your partner's infidelity changed the way you view yourself? Has this experience created new negative-self talk or criticisms about yourself?
What was your relationship like with sex before the infidelity? Has it changed since the infidelity? Does it make you want to have sex more or less? Explore how this experience has affected your relationship with sex both physically and emotionally.
Do you trust that your partner has changed and is willing to work on your relationship moving forward?
Download the full list of FREE journal prompts!
Free Resources 📑
New View Advice Infidelity Hub - One-Stop-Shop for all things related to infidelity
Episode References:
Books:
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One by Dr. Joe Dispenza
Becoming Supernatural: How Common People Are Doing the Uncommon by Dr. Joe Dispenza
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt
The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
7:51 Teaching
17:59 Listener Question 1
32:27 Listener Question 2
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NOTE: This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher (Intro) 0:00
Welcome to New View Advice, a safe place for you to ask your most vulnerable questions about life, relationships, healing, and so much more. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher. And I believe our fears and traumas are often what holds us back from living life to the fullest. Join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever is holding you back from being your best self. Let's get started. Hey there beautiful soul. My name is Amanda. And this is New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where my goal is to help guide you on the healing journey. And to facilitate tough conversations about topics that many of us can feel alone in, or topics that can feel very shameful, such as today's topic, cheating, I know there can be a lot of shame mixed up with cheating. And it's my goal to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through and to help you connect back with your own heart. Because a lot of these situations we find ourselves in as we travel through adulthood, are challenging, and there isn't a direct roadmap, and the roadmap that you're looking for is within your own heart. That's what I truly believe. I truly believe we have all the answers we seek. But the world has taught us to look outside ourselves. But really, we have to look inside for the answers we're looking for. So my intention is to help you do that is to help you connect back to yourself to help you heal and to help you let go of the past. So you can step forward to be your best self. So today's topic is cheating. And I've done another episode on cheating. So if you feel called to can listen to that one before this one if you haven't listened to it yet. So that's Episode 22, where I talk about healing from cheating more in general. And I answer a question from somebody who's cheated and somebody who was cheated on. And since releasing that episode, I have received so many questions from people who have experienced cheating. So that told me how prevalent this issue is, in today's society, and how many people are healing from this and how I think it's a really important conversation for us to have. So this is actually going to be the theme of August. So if you're tuning in, when this first episode is released, it'll be four episodes, I'm going to release about cheating, the first two will be focused on the perspective of being cheated on. And the second two will be focused on the perspective of helping people heal who have cheated. I'm also interested in doing an episode from the third perspective, which would be the person who finds themselves involved in relationships. So if there's any questions about that, I'd love to talk about the quote unquote, the other person example of cheating, but I actually didn't receive any questions about that one, I've only received questions from people who have been cheated on and people who have cheated in a relationship. So I'm just going to focus on that to start but if anybody listening has any questions from that third perspective, please feel free to write in, you can email me at newviewadvice@gmail.com. Or you can visit my website and there is a form to fill out a question you can visit that at newviewadvice.com/question. So today, we will be focusing on the perspective of being cheated on and how we can move forward from being cheated on, and how we can heal, and how we can forgive moving forward. So one question is from the point of view of somebody who wants to give somebody a second chance, who's cheated and they want to know how to know if that's the right choice for them? And the second question is from somebody who wants to know why people go back to cheaters. This is a person who has found themselves being cheated on multiple times, and is curious about why they keep going back. So I think this will be a great episode. And like I mentioned, we will also be continuing this topic next week as well. Before I jump in, I just wanted to give a quick life update, because I know I had taken a long hiatus from the podcast. So for anyone who is a longtime listener, thank you for still being here. Thank you for tuning in. I want to apologize that it took so long for season two to get off the ground. But I promise moving forward, we will be uploading episodes consistently because I now have a team of people. I have two new people to help me keep this podcast consistent and to upload episodes each week. So I'm super excited. I just got back from a three and a half month trip around the world. I thought I was going to work and travel when I was going to do it all. That was not the case. I ended up having to let go of all expectations I had of myself pretty quickly into the trip and just surrender to travel. And I really enjoyed it and it was really fun, eye opening, healing, relaxing, challenging and expansive. All at the same time. I traveled with my partner of 11 years he quit his job in March and we decided to travel for a little bit and we thought it was only gonna be six weeks and it turned into three and a half months. So what are you gonna do? And it was really great experience but it was also like I met challenging at times. And it taught me to just surrender to life. And what was really being asked to me by my soul was to be present with the trip. So the more I did that, the more healing it was. And for me, the biggest thing that was healed on the trip, I really believe that this was the healing. I was going over for three and a half months, but I didn't know it. When I got there. I actually arrived in Egypt. That was our first stop. And the guidance I received, when we landed, I could just hear it in my head was you're here for the answer to a question, but you don't know what question you're asking. And I was like, What are you talking about self. But after three and a half months of traveling, and having a big healing, right before I came back to the States, I understood what I was saying there. And for me, it was allowing myself to release self blame. So I had been holding on to a lot of self blame, throughout different experiences that were honestly triggered throughout the trip. So it was kind of this divine, like, trigger here trigger their healing, relaxing trigger, but around self blame. And around this self abuse I had been holding on to I have been my own biggest critic for the longest time and self love has been an ongoing practice. But there was still this big level of self blame that I had trouble releasing. And it was because it was locked in with an experience for my teens. And it's was the experience I've mentioned before, where I was raped in my teens by a group of people will just put it at that. And I still really blamed myself for parts of it. And you can tell a survivor as many times as you want that it wasn't their fault. But it's not until the survivor themselves truly feels like it wasn't their fault that that blame can go away. And for me, it's taken years, but I can feel how much freer I am, because I can feel that that's truly released. And I just feel so grateful for the opportunity to travel and have this really healing experience. If anybody's interested, you can let me know. And I can go more into it. But for today, I'll just leave it at that. I don't want to focus too much on myself. But I just wanted to say that because for anybody who's like, where is this podcast ban? Or what are you doing? I just wanted to make it clear that I am back. And we will be uploading episodes for what's technically season two, is it in seasons? I'm not sure. But what is technically Season Two for the foreseeable future. And I have a team of people who are helping me and I'm so excited to be back here with you, and to be answering questions. So today, as I mentioned, we're focusing on questions about being cheated on. And I'm going to start with a short intro about forgiveness and how we can work on forgiving those who have cheated on us and also forgive ourselves. And then we'll answer the two questions. So let's jump right in.
Amanda Durocher (Teaching) 7:51
I wanted to start this episode talking about forgiveness, because I've received different versions of the same question over the past couple months. And the real core of this question was, can we forgive those who have cheated on us? Can we forgive people who have cheated? And I believe the answer is, yes, with all my heart. I believe everything is forgivable. And you could be with me being like, yeah, everything's forgivable, or your sin there again, is everything really forgivable? Amanda? Are we sure. So I wanted to talk about it. Because I think forgiveness gets a bad rap. I think people think forgiveness is more than it is and also believe it's less than it is. So I wanted to talk about forgiveness. If you have listened to other episodes of this podcast, you know, I talked about forgiveness all the time. But I think that forgiveness is such a core part of the healing journey. And I also think it doesn't happen overnight. It takes time, it takes work. But when we can learn to forgive, it is so healing and it's freeing for us. I recently saw a Tiktok that I thought was relevant to this topic where Sandra Bullock is talking about forgiveness. And she quotes somebody when she says forgiveness lets you off the hook. And she's talking about how not everybody cares that they've hurt you. And this is so true. And the real truth is that not everybody knows that they've hurt you. So take the example of your parents. Because I think this is just a really common one that your parents did the best they could they really did. No matter what circumstances you grew up in. Unfortunately, so many parents are wounded children within themselves. And if you have parents who aren't willing to look at themselves, they're likely going to hurt you. If you're listening to this podcast, I'm sure that resonates for you. And the truth is that your parents might not even know they hurt you or they might not know what they did that stuck with you that has caused you pain, but it doesn't mean you can't forgive them. So many people think forgiveness is condoning the actions of others. Forgiveness is not condoning the actions of others. Another quote I love is by Oprah Winfrey and it's that forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different. So what all these quotes are leading to is that Forgiveness is for you. We forgive others to free ourselves. We don't do it for them. I actually think it's an act of defiance to forgive, right? We live in a world that doesn't want us to forgive. That's how I feel. I look outside, and there's so much pain and there's so much hatred. And I don't see a world that necessarily promotes me being happy. So by forgiving the pains of my past, and living my best life, to me is the best form of defiance I have in my tool belt. Because if I was to let the people who have hurt me, the people have abused me, physically, emotionally, and sexually. If I was to hold on to what they did to me and not forgive them, then to me, they win. And it's not a competition, but it feels that way that it would feel like I let them win if I don't let it go. And another thing I like to say is that it may not be your fault, what happened to you, but it is your responsibility to heal. And that might not seem fair, but you can go listen to my episode entitled, Why life isn't fair, because I don't believe life is fair. I believe we're all born into different circumstances. And you can view it like a game, right? So some people are born at level zero. Some people are born at level 20. Some people are born at level 100. We are all born into different circumstances. And some people are born into tougher circumstances than others. It's just life. Nobody said life was supposed to be fair, we just act like it was. So it's not your fault, what has happened, it is not your fault, the pain you have experienced and the abuse that you've experienced, that it is your responsibility to heal. And why for yourself, because you deserve to be happy, because you deserve to be free of that passed because you deserve to step forward and be your best self, and not be stuck replaying the pains of the past in your head, or not live untrusting of life because of the way somebody treated you. You choose to forgive, to set yourself free. So can you forgive someone who's cheated? Yes, because you do it for you. And the second part of forgiveness is that you will find as you go on your forgiveness, journey of forgiving someone outside of yourself, the person you actually need to forgive the most is yourself. And you might be saying no, I did nothing wrong. This person, this person, this person? Well, let me tell you, when you start to sit with that, when you start to journal about it, when you start to actually dig into why you are so angry about it. Yeah, you are angry at this person. And yet you do want to work towards forgiving this person. But who you're likely most angry at is yourself, why you're angry at yourself for getting hurt. You're angry at yourself for avoiding red flags, you're angry at yourself for trusting somebody who proved untrustworthy so many times, there is a level of self blame when something devastating happens outside of us such as cheating. So So many times we start to blame ourselves, did this person cheat? Because I did blank did this person cheat because I did this. Or we just blame ourselves for opening our hearts up. Like we're like I ain't doing that again. But who suffers there? Who suffers? Or if you say I'm not going to trust men again? Or I'm not going to trust women again? Or I'm not going to date again. Or No way. I'm going to open up myself like that. Who are you hurting, you're hurting you. You're the one who suffers. And so we want to forgive others and ourselves throughout this cheating journey. There is so much shame involved in cheating. And there is a lack of conversation around this topic. I can tell it's true because of the amount of questions I received. And it's a complicated topic. It's not just simple. It's not just like dad cheater victim cheated on. It's like just not that simple. Every relationship is different. Every situation is different. It's complicated. There's so much to take into consideration. And I want you to know if you're moving through this right now that it is hard. It's hard, what you're going through. It is a tough lesson. It is a tough experience. And it is heartbreaking. heartbreaking for somebody to cheat on us. heartbreaking for somebody who you put your trust in your lovin to break that trust to hurt you like that. And it really might not have been their intention. As silly as that sounds. I've talked to a lot of people who are struggling with forgiving themselves for cheating on someone. And I can tell you that it's not as simple as just I'm just gonna go cheat on somebody. It is very complicated. The reasons people cheat and it's often because we have wounded inner children. And so what I mean by this is that when we enter relationships, so we enter romantic relationships, even friendships, our inner children are often looking to be healed. So we will play out patterns from our childhood to heal them. So many of us go into relationships with core beliefs about ourselves. And unfortunately, many of us didn't have a perfect childhood. I don't know anyone who did. So we have some core beliefs from ourselves from the way we were raised from our schooling from society. And a lot of these core beliefs are such as I'm unworthy. I'm inherently bad. I'm not supported. I'm unlovable, I'm not enough as I am. And these core beliefs we bring into our relationship, and we're looking to heal them. So many people play out patterns where they're externally looking for these to be healed. But the truth is, no one outside of you can heal this. So we expected our parents to be the ones who made us feel worthy. So then we expect our partner to make us feel worthy. But the truth is only you can feel worthy. If you believe you're worthy, nobody outside of you can make you feel worthy enough, if you don't believe you're worthy. And nobody outside of you can make you feel like you're enough, unless you truly believe you are enough. And how you do that is by getting to know yourself, by forgiving yourself by forgiving the pain of your past. And how I started to get to know myself how I started to love myself, was through meditation and journaling. I talked about these all the time. And I know people are probably like, what else do you got? I'm going to be preaching these till the day I die. Because through meditation and journaling, you get to know yourself, I invite you to start speaking with yourself, to start getting to know yourself. So many of us are so disconnected from ourselves. I see around me a generation of indecisive people. And I don't think it's because everybody's actually just doesn't care. I think it's because people don't know what they want. People don't know themselves. So I am so passionate about helping people to connect back with themselves. Because that has changed my life. I went from chronically depressed, suicidal, anxious to vibrant, loving life, and then wanting to give back all through the work I talk about here all through the inner journey of just accepting Amanda for who Amanda is. So I will give more specific examples about how to meditate and journal throughout the answering of the questions. But I just wanted to give a quick intro about forgiveness so that we're all on the same page, as I referenced forgiveness throughout this episode. And as I mentioned, so many people were wondering if you can forgive somebody who's cheated. So I just wanted to give this specific question some extra time. I hope that was helpful for somebody out there. And let's jump into question one.
Amanda Durocher (Listener Question) 17:59
I was recently cheated on I listened to your podcast, and it helped me out a lot. I still have some questions. I want to heal passes. And I think I want to give him a second chance. I am scared too, though. I don't know how to make the best decision for myself. I feel like I do sometimes. But then I doubt it. Any words of advice? Thank you for writing this question. And I'm happy to hear you found the first episode helpful. And I'm thankful you wrote in the second question. So we could continue this conversation about cheating, because this question is really relatable and really relevant right now for so many people. So I just thank you for writing this in. And I also just want to say I'm so sorry that you are moving through this, this is a tough decision to make. And I love how you worded it that you are looking to make the best decision for yourself. And you're unsure how but you're looking to figure out how to do that. Because that's what this podcast is all about. It's about us finding out how to connect back to ourselves to make the best decisions for ourselves. So I just admire the way you wrote this question because I think that this is the everything is figuring out how to make the best decisions for ourselves when they're hard or when they're easy. So I just want to thank you for writing this in and honor the experience you're moving through because being cheated on is not easy. And being willing to take your partner back is not easy, because that trust won't just be rebuilt overnight. So it will just take time to rebuild that trust together. So I also just want to acknowledge your feelings of fear and feeling scared to take your partner back. I think that's a completely valid feeling. And that is information for yourself. So that's to me a sign that you're connected with your feelings, because that will be so important as you're moving through this and as you're figuring out if you want to give this person a second chance because you want to pay attention to the signs you're receiving in your body. And I don't think fear necessarily means you should run. Fear is just letting you know that it, you're about to make a scary choice, because it's scary to completely let this person go. And it's also scary to put your heart on the line again. So it's just information, it's just letting you know that this is a tough choice either way. So I want to offer you some advice on how you can connect back with yourself and how you can figure it out if this is the best choice for you, and how you can become confident in your decision. Because what we want to do is we want to connect with ourselves, and we want to become completely conscious of the decision we make. So I want you to become connected with yourself so that if you decide to take this person back, you take full responsibility for that. And if it goes bad moving forward, you know that your heart wanted to give it a second chance, and that you did everything you could. Or if you decide to leave this person, I want you to be fully connected with yourself. And to know that was what's best for you. So my first piece of advice would be that before taking your partner back, I would take some time to really reflect on why you want to take this person back. So oftentimes, when people cheat, our inner child gets triggered, because the safety of the relationship is broken. Because trust is inherent for safety in relationships. And oftentimes, we're left wondering if we can feel safe and trust the person we once thought was a safe place. So I think you need to get clear on why you want to get back together. And I think that when you become clear on that, why that will really help you to stop doubting yourself, because you'll have a clear intention and a clear why. So here's some questions I would ask myself if I were you and I would spend time journaling with or meditating on. And so how I meditate on questions, because this is how I get most of my information at this point. It's either through journaling, or write down a question and I'll free right. And I'll let out all the thoughts like I'm angry, I'm this, I'll just let the thoughts and then it'll start to become more coherent, if that makes sense. So sometimes the thoughts I'm writing are just like, I don't know what I want, I don't know what the answer to this is. And then it'll eventually start to change the dialogue. If you allow your pen to just flow, the dialogue will change. But you just have to give yourself enough time with that free writing. And with meditating, I would recommend either doing a guided meditation to get you into a meditative state if you don't meditate, or breathing, sitting in silence, finding a quiet room, a safe place, a place where you feel safe, and you know, you won't be disturbed, a comfortable spot, I do this before bed, sometimes I do it in my meditation room, I do it in parks, but find a safe place. And breathe. Concentrate on your breath. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. And then when you get into that space, I want you to visualize a circle around you. The circle can be any color, mind's often gold, white, or pink, in that moment, allow a circle to rise and picture that circle around you. And that's your safe space. So you're setting a boundary around yourself energetically by visualizing that circle. And then I want you to ask yourself the question. These questions could be, do you trust that he has changed and is willing to work on your relationship moving forward? Are you scared to live without him? Are you making this decision out of love? So that's the voice of your heart? Or are you making this decision out of fear, which is oftentimes our ego, such as I fear, I won't ever find someone else or I fear that I'm overreacting. So you would sit with this question and see what arises, do images arise, do thoughts arise? Just keep sitting with it, set a timer, do 10 minutes and see what arises during that time, I find that this is a practice. So it can be really hard for people at first because we don't trust the information we get or because our mind is going crazy. But all I will say is that the more I meditate, the quicker I can just drop into a clear minded space. So it just takes time. But this is a great way to connect with yourself and no longer doubt yourself is to be able to sit with yourself because why sitting with ourselves meditating with ourselves is so helpful to us because nobody can take ourselves from us, right? No matter where you are. You can sit with yourself in silence. Because for me at this point, it doesn't even have to be silent around me. I just have to be silent within, if that makes sense. But that's a built practice. But that is a practice that nothing outside of you will ever take from you. So I think it's just so important to build a meditative practice. You can do that through meditation journaling, or if you have a safe person, your life or a therapist, I would explore these questions. So just explore. Like I said, do you trust that they're willing to change and work on the relationship because the truth is it will take time to build that trust. And why are you making that decision? What is your Reason behind taking this person back. Because when you get clear on that, you'll know if it's the right choice, once you get clear on, if it's out of love, like this person made a mistake, and I'm willing to forgive them, and I'm willing to move forward, or if it's, I'm afraid I'll die alone, it's very clear where the reasoning is coming from there, right. So the willing to forgive and giving somebody second chances from your heart, and doing something out of fear is from your ego, it's not necessarily your highest and best interest. So that'd be my first piece of advice. I would also say that, when discussing getting back together with your ex, or with this person who cheated on you, I would be clear on if they're willing to be patient with you. And if they're willing to continue to discuss it, because what I find is a lot of people will get back together, and then like, the cheating won't be discussed. So it'll be this shameful secret kept under the rug that has stepped around, right. And it's the rug starts to build a mound, because the more resentment and the more icky feelings get just stuffed under the rug, then the rug becomes bigger and bigger, the mound under the rug becomes bigger and bigger, and then you're walking around it, and then it's almost like there's a minefield within your relationships. So you need to be clear with your partner, that it will take time for you to trust. And I would invite you to ask for open communication about it, I don't think your partner deserves to have to talk about it all the time, either. So if you do decide to talk about it, I would set boundaries around that I wouldn't just bring it up all the time, because your partner will be healing from cheating as well, which we'll be talking about later in the month, that cheating on somebody brings up a lot of feelings and a lot to be healed as well. So you're just going to want to create a boundary around this, one way you can do that is to have a time set weekly to commit to your relationships that have conversations and to communicate about the feelings you're having. Because you just want to create a safe space for both of you to heal from this cheating incident. And I definitely think this trust can be rebuilt, it just takes time. And you'll both just need to be patient with one another and kind to one another as you rebuild this foundation of your relationship. And I also just wanted to comment in regards to you not knowing if you're making the right decisions for yourself. This is very common, and it's another thing that's built with time. So learning to trust ourselves is a process. But the more we tune into ourselves and do those meditative practices that journaling, therapy, self reflection, walking with ourselves, sitting in silence with ourselves walking with ourselves in silence, no music, just the more time we spend with just ourselves, is where we truly learn to listen to the voice of our hearts, and what our hearts are telling us. And then the more we'll know the voice of our heart in comparison to those fears. So for me, it helped to view the many voices inside of me of different aspects of myself. So through meditation, journaling, I've learned to know the difference between my inner child, my ego, the voices of others from my past, and most importantly, the voice of my heart. And this was a built practice. And it's part of getting to know ourselves, I don't think it's talked enough about in society that there are different voices that live within us, that our ego and our heart and our inner child, they can all sound different. And if we've all just put the voice inside of us our thoughts as one voice, then we don't necessarily know those different aspects of ourselves. So it's just important to start honing your practice so you can get familiar with you with your inner world. And I also just wanted to comment on that it can be scary to follow the voice of our heart, because it often takes us to the edge of our vulnerability. And that's terrifying. But I can say from my experience, that the more you follow your heart, the more rewarded you will be, and the more life will offer you. Because the truth is your heart has the roadmap for your destiny to your heart has the roadmap for your desires. And everybody's desires are different. Even if I want to buy a certain car, I don't know, that's what's coming to mind, say I want a certain car and somebody wants the same car I want, the path we get to getting that car will be very different. So it's just we need to stop looking outside of ourselves. And we just need to listen to our hearts because it's going to lead us to our happiest place. But it also will ask us to do tough things. So I just want to be clear that whatever decision you make here might be difficult. I think cheating is just always difficult. I also want to make that clear, because I've received a lot of questions about it. And if you choose to stay or you choose to leave both paths are difficult. And that's really unfortunate. And I'm so sorry that you're in the situation. But through difficult things, we also grow the most and we also get the opportunity to really get to know ourselves. So I just wanted to offer you that as well. And so as I mentioned for this getting to Are yourself meditating journaling are really good. And two more questions that you could use when journaling would be one journaling to your inner child. And you could write down your inner child, I'm so sorry, we got so hurt by our partner, what would you want me to know before making the choice to get back together with him or not? I am listening in promise to free write whatever comes to mind in this moment? And another journaling question could be what does my ideal relationship look like? Do I truly see this as a potential with my ex partner? These are just two more questions to help you get clarity if you're not able to immediately connect with that, why. And learning how to slow down is a great way you'll be able to connect with yourself. So as I mentioned, getting away from your phone, getting away from TV, Netflix and connecting with yourself. So sitting in nature and just sitting with yourself allowing those tough feelings to arise because the information and the why might be under sadness might be under anger, might be under feeling. So you might have to allow yourself to feel feelings first, in order to connect with why. So I hope something in this answer was helpful. I'm sending you so much love, you are so worthy of so much love. I just want to make that clear. It's not your fault that this happened. It's not your fault. But as I mentioned, things that aren't our fault are still our responsibility moving forward. So I'm really proud of you, that you are learning how to connect with yourself in order to figure out what's best for you, I am really happy that you are taking yourself into consideration when making this decision moving forward. And I just want you to know that no matter what you're worthy of love, you are so wonderful, you're so beautiful, you're looking to better yourself. There's just nothing better in this world than us wanting to better ourselves. Because I truly believe the problems outside in the world would be fixed if everybody's out their own hearts. And you choosing to do that and choosing to possibly forgive your partner in order to move forward together is a beautiful and courageous thing. And I honor you and I honor what you're moving through. And I honor this experience, and I just send you so much love as you navigate this, thank you for this vulnerable question.
Amanda Durocher (Listener Question) 32:27
Why do people stay with people who repeatedly cheat on us? Even after breaking up, we go back, this is the third time my partner has cheated. And hopefully the last time thank you so much for asking this question. This is something many people experience. So this is a great question for us to discuss. I also want to honor what you've experienced, this is really tough. And I'm so sorry that you have been cheated on by the same partner multiple times, I'm sure that it's really difficult and is filled with a lot of different feelings such as shame, betrayal, and sadness. So I just wanted to take a moment to say I'm so sorry, that this is something you're moving through. But thank you so much for bringing this question forward so that we can discuss it and hopefully help you to possibly understand why this pattern keeps repeating or at least get some tools so you can connect with yourself and find out the reason why this pattern might be playing out in your life. So as always, I think the answer to this question can be different for everyone. So I'm going to give a few different reasons why this might be happening. And also some tools for how you could connect to yourself to find out why this is happening for yourself. Because what you are doing here is you are playing out a pattern, the fact that your relationship has had the same pattern where your partner cheats, you break up, you get back together, your partner cheats, you break up, you get back together, the fact that this has happened multiple times means it's a pattern. So I would say that what we want to help you do is figure out why you're playing out this pattern. Because the truth is you can't change your partner's actions, you can only change your actions. So I don't know why your partner continually cheats on you. I don't know much about your relationship, especially with this question. So we want to dive into why this pattern is playing on your part, why you keep getting back together with this person and why the relationship itself keeps playing out the same pattern. So I believe that there's a reason for the things we do, we just may be disconnected from ourselves. So it may take time to uncover why this pattern keeps repeating. I know this is true in my own life. And I have found that getting to the root of the patterns we repeat and changing those patterns to be the best way to change our lives. So so many of us get stuck playing out patterns over and over again because of the root belief systems, the root feelings because of the root experience that's connected To this pattern, we keep playing out. So what I mean by this is, let's look at this pattern. So why do you continue to go back to someone who cheats on you? So if I were you, this is the question I would start to uncover. And I would start to really get clear on the why behind this question. So I would journal about each experience. So why did you go back after the first incident? Why did you go back after the second incident of cheating? And why did you go back after the third incident of cheating, and I would journal about that I would meditate on it, I would go for walks, I would reflect in therapy, I would get really clear on each experience and why you went back. Because my guess is it's the same reason or the same feelings. But there is going to be a similarity about the why you went back each time. And it could even be because your partner said the same thing each time and you believed them each time. But you want to get clear on why you went back each time, because you're playing out a pattern here. So my guess is that you're playing out a root belief system, like I mentioned. So what do I mean by root belief, root beliefs are often taken on in our childhood or through traumatic experiences. And when they're taken on our childhood, it's often before age seven, and we continue to play out these beliefs through our life because they have become core to who we are. So as I mentioned, in the first part of the episode, when I talked about forgiveness, some of these common core beliefs are I am unworthy. I am not enough as I am. I am unsupported. No one supports me. I am unlovable, I am inherently bad. These are just a few examples. And so let's walk through the example of if your core belief was I am unworthy. So how may this have appeared for you? This would take reflection on your caregivers. So what was your relationship like with your caregivers? Were they present? Were they absent? They yell at you? Did they emotionally physically or sexually abuse you? Did they tell you you're bad? Did they miss every important milestone in your life? Did they favor one child or sibling over another? Were they an alcoholic? There are just so many examples of experiences children have every day from our childhoods. And today that can imprint on child's mind that they're unlovable and they're unworthy of love. So what you'd want to do is really connect to that core. Right? So what is your partner reflecting to you that you may have felt in your childhood? So is it abandonment? Did you have a parent who left to do up parents who got divorced? Did you have an abandonment wound? I don't know what it is. That's the truth. But with your playing out a pattern, I would say that you have to get to that root belief system as I mentioned, another question you should ask yourself is if you blame yourself at all for this cheating, so oftentimes, we take on the blame for things we can't control. So just because you're playing out a pattern doesn't make it your fault. Does that make sense? You're not to blame for your partner's actions. Your partner is an adult who's making an adult decision every time they cheat on you. Now, even if it's not your fault, as I've said multiple times throughout this episode, it is your responsibility to heal for yourself. So the reason it becomes our responsibility is because we're the only ones who can heal ourselves. We're the only ones who can tell ourselves, we're worthy. We're the only ones who can fix our lives, nobody out there is going to fix it for you. So we want to connect to ourselves and heal these root beliefs and heal our past and heal our present day situations for us, because we deserve it. We deserve to be happy, we deserve to be loved. You deserve a loving partner, you deserve somebody who treats you well, you deserve somebody who treats you like, you're amazing, because you are because you're God given right to be an amazing human. And so we just have to connect back to the truth of who we are. And how we do that is by uncovering why we play out these patterns. So to me, this pattern sounds like a pattern of self sabotage. And like you view yourself lower than your partner, this may not be true, but that you have given your partner some power and that they're above you. But the truth is you're equals. And so many of us have had experiences from when we were children that made us feel like we were less than, like we weren't enough. Like there was something inherently wrong with us. So we let the world treat us that way. We let people treat us poorly, because we don't feel worthy. Because we don't feel like we're enough because we feel like we're inherently bad. And so we just let the world beat us down. But let me tell you something. It is your responsibility to lift yourself up. It is your responsibility to stop taking the abuse of others because you deserve to not take that abuse. You do not deserve to be abused. You do not deserve to be treated poorly. You deserve to be loved. And what is probably happening here is is that there's some self love missing in your life. Because the truth is we let people outside of us treat us poorly when we don't love ourselves. And the reason we don't love ourselves is often because of those childhood wounds. Where we were made to feel like we were unlovable, or we were treated awful. As children were, we were abused, or abandoned, or left to our own devices, or yelled at as children. And we grew up in a world that we didn't know it was safe to love ourselves. Because when we were children, the safest thing was to go into safety mode, the safest thing was to expect the pain was to expect the world to treat us bad so that we could remain safe. That is a child pattern that is a child defense pattern. Now that you are an adult, it's time for you to look at it. And there's nothing but love for yourself through this process. Because when you were a child, you had to do that to remain safe. Because so many of us grew up in unstable, unsafe environments, that we had to feel unworthy because we didn't have tools about how to feel any other way. So if we felt unworthy, and we let people beat us down, or we expected them to beat us down, we felt like it wouldn't hurt so much. It's really, really, really sad to me, that's how so many of us grew up, and that we continue to treat children this way. So it's so important for you to get connected with your why you keep playing out this pattern. I don't know why yours is. But my guess is it's one of these root beliefs in your childhood. And my guess is that because of that, you're lacking some self love. And so I want to offer you some self love practices that you can practice, as you dive into why you continue to play out this pattern, because the truth is, like I said, I don't know why your partner continues to cheat, I don't know what their thing is, it's probably a childhood wound as well. As I mentioned, we all go into relationships with childhood wounds. So you and your partner both have childhood wounds, you're looking to heal, and we often project them onto each other. A book you could look into would be attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, where it talks about attachment styles. So somebody who continues to cheat to me would be probably an avoidant attachment style, because they're leaving the relationship. And then you may be playing on an anxious attachment style. I'm not gonna go too much into the attachment styles today. But I recommend this book, if that's something that you feel called to. But what I feel about attachment styles is that the route of attachment styles is the root of our childhood. So we play out these attachment styles because of things we experienced in our childhood. We're not necessarily born with these attachment styles, because I found throughout my healing journey, I went from an avoidant attachment style to an anxious to now I'm going to secure attachment style. And how I did that was through healing. But I think that knowing your attachment style can be really helpful throughout the healing journey. So for self love practices, I want you to just start telling yourself, you love yourself every day, maybe right? If you affirmations about yourself, I want you to pay attention to your self talk. What do you tell yourself? How do you talk to yourself? Are you tough on yourself? Are you your own biggest critic? Or are you loving, when we are lacking in the self love department, our inner dialogue is often very critical. And I would recommend writing them down because if you write them down, you're taking them out of your head and putting them on paper. And that act itself can release some of the shame because you're bringing awareness to the negative things you say to yourself. And then I want you to write a few kinds of things, you could start saying to yourself to just become aware of your inner dialogue. Because I think that the way we speak to ourselves is so important. And it's a great self love practice, because who's likely triggered every time you're cheated on is your inner child. And I want you to as a second self love exercise to start getting to know your inner child, connect with what age resonates for you. So the age five, age seven, what age comes to mind, you can even just think of the First Age that comes to mind for you. For me, it's usually age five, seven and 14. And sit with them. Comfort them, talk to yourself in a safe space. So when you're alone, like you're that child, because so many of us weren't talked to the way we deserved as children. We weren't parented the way we need it. So what we have to do now is learn to parent ourselves. And so one way you can start doing this is connecting with that inner child and talking to yourself. Like you're that child. So if my inner child super triggered, I'm usually like, hey, Amanda. I know, this is super scary. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I know, what do you need? What do you need? Do you need the color? Do you need a nap? Do you need a bath? What do you need, I will put everything down and listen. Because that's what we need to start doing for ourselves, we need to start slowing down and giving ourselves what we need. And what you need might be a good cry, or it might be a scream, it might be to let anger out. I'm a big proponent of releasing the anger that's inside of us, I think so many of us have pent up anger. And what you're going to want to do is just in different ways, connect with this inner child. So if there was an activity you really liked to do as a kid. That's a great way to start connecting with your inner child to start doing those activities. For example, for me, I loved to dance, I loved to color I love to draw. So sometimes just to connect with my inner child, I just color and I just sit with myself. And I just, it feels soothing, because I'm doing that activity that I've loved since my childhood. And I'm giving myself that space to just create. So those are just some ideas to help you start self love practices, since you're also repeating a pattern. Another thing I recommend, if you don't already have a therapist would be to get a therapist. Now I understand that therapy is not an option for everybody, because it can be expensive. But I am a huge proponent of therapy. And I think it's really important to look into it if it's an option for you. So many people's health insurance covers therapy. And also if you're looking for therapists, you can ask them if they have sliding scale rates, which means that they may offer a price. And then they might also have a lower price for people who need a sliding scale option. So if therapy seems out of your price range, you can look into that because I think that have any environment to explore this pattern could be really, really healing and helpful for you. My last piece of advice would be to do something different would be to mix up this pattern. So this is a basic Dr. Joe Dispenza teachings. If you haven't read these already, I recommend his books, breaking the habit of being yourself and becoming supernatural. And he teaches that in order to change our life, you have to change what you do. So say you wake up every day shower, brush your teeth, drink coffee, drive the same route to work, sit at your desk, drive home in the same way you drove there, you eat dinner, and then repeat the same thing every day, there's no room for change, the universe cannot surprise you and your life will not change. Because you're living in a loop. You're living in a pattern, you're doing the same thing over and over again. So for you, I would suggest to try something new. Here are some suggestions because I don't know what you've already done. But one, how many conversations have you had with your partner about this? Is this something that as I mentioned in the previous question just gets scooped under the rug. Or have you guys communicated and committed to working through this pattern of cheating together. So as I mentioned, you can set a time each week to connect, and to talk about your feelings, and to heal this together. Another way to do that is through couples therapy. If you haven't tried that already, you can also read a couples book together so you can start getting the same dialogue and the same words to communicate about your relationships. So if you haven't The Five Love Languages is a great starter book for couples. Getting the love you want. I have a few on my website under book recommendations that are great for couples to start learning how to communicate. You can also take a break from this person do you guys live together? Do you have the option to move out and to see what that's like, because you want to break the pattern. So if you haven't done that yet, that's something different you could do. Or also you could prioritize making each other feel special, you could prioritize that love and that romance Friday date nights, and like making them really special and really infusing that romantic feel and doing new things, right. So if you always go to the movies, then go bowling or cook a meal together, but you want to start doing something different to break this pattern you're in, the only way to break a pattern is to do something different. It doesn't mean you have to necessarily leave this person but you do need to start doing different things in your relationship, if that makes sense. And I also would advise for you to really ask yourself if your partner is willing to change. So through these conversations, I think you'll get an idea if they're willing to change or not. Are they really defensive or are they open to communicating about it because you need to be honest with yourself if this person is really willing to change on and you deserve someone who treats you well loves you for who you are, who is willing to change and grow with you. You deserve love that lifts you up, rather than leaves you heartbroken regularly. I want you to know that I want you to know that love exists for you, you are worthy of that love. And the more you heal yourself, the more you get to know yourself and those core wounds that exist within you and within your partner, the more love that will flow into your life because the more we love ourselves, the more love we attract. Because the world is always mirroring back to us that which is within ourselves. I hope something in this answer helped and I'm sending you so much love. I know this is a challenging thing to move through. And I think it's courageous that you are looking at it and you're looking to change because change is one of the hardest things for us to do. As humans, we are so programmed to say the same. But if you want the life that you dream of and you desire, then you have to change. So I'm sending you so much love. Thank you for this question.
Amanda Durocher (Outro) 51:07
Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. I hope today was helpful and that I was able to offer you a new view on being cheated on and how to heal and how to move forward. Next week, we will be continuing this topic of being cheated on with two additional questions. And these questions are focused on one person's thinking of leaving the relationship. And the second person is no longer with their partner but wants to know how to heal from rejection. So we'll be talking about that next week. I wanted to mention here as well, that I will be offering healing circles for cheating in September. So what that means is I am hoping to get a group of people who are willing to walk through healing together and moving through feelings. I think there's so much healing and community. So I'm still putting together what this looks like. But it will consist of weekly calls and videos and journal prompts and having the intention to heal. So I'm going to do one for people who have been cheated on and one for people who have cheated. If this is something that interests you, please send me an email and I can add you to the waitlist. My email is newviewadvice@gmail.com. And you can also join my email list at my website newviewadvice.com. And I am really looking forward to that I think that having the intention to heal as a group I've always found that to be super helpful in my life. I've done group therapy and group healing circles. And they've been life changing for me so I'm looking forward to facilitating that for others. Thank you again for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. sending you all my love. See you next time
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
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