69: Cheater’s Guilt & Shame: How to Heal Yourself and Your Relationship after Emotional and Physical Infidelity
Cheater’s guilt and shame are common feelings after infidelity, but are often misunderstood by social media and the movies. In this episode, my intention is to explore why the feelings of guilt and shame arise after someone cheats on their husband/wife/partner and my approach to processing the hard feelings so that you can focus on self-forgiveness and compassion.
This post contains affiliate links to some of my favorite tools and resources. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. Full terms & conditions here.
The first listener question is from someone who still feels unbearable guilt even though their partner forgave them for a drunken one night stand. The second listener question is from someone struggling with self-compassion and forgiveness after cheating on their partner. By the end of the episode, I hope you have a new view on infidelity.
Free Resources 📑
New View Advice Infidelity Hub - One-Stop-Shop for all things related to infidelity
Recommended Episodes 🎙️
22: Cheating in Relationships Advice: Healing From Cheating & Being Cheated On
31: "I Cheated On My Partner While Drinking": Advice for Healing
57: We Both Cheated on Each Other: Advice for Moving Forward After Affairs
Book Recommendations 📚
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown
The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks
Suggested Song 🎶
Timestamps ⏱️
Introduction 0:00
Question 1 3:13
Question 2 25:50
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:00]:
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or drama is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started.
Hey, beautiful souls. My name is Amanda Durocher, and this is New View Advice. You're new here, this is a Healing Centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. It is not my intention to give you all the answers. I believe you have all the answers. You just may need a new view and a little help along the way.
Thank you for joining me for today's episode. Today, we are focusing on infidelity again, and specifically, we're focusing on people who have cheated in a relationship -- and have the feelings of guilt and shame arising as they're healing and are having trouble forgiving themselves. Today, I'll be answering 2 questions from listeners who have cheated on a partner or on a spouse and are having trouble letting it go and forgiving themselves and releasing themselves of this immense guilt.
I think the feelings of guilt and shame are so common when healing from cheating in relationships. So today's episode is focused on how do we begin to do that? How do we begin to forgive ourselves and let go of these intense feelings that can feel all consuming. I'm really looking forward to discussing this topic because I think social media, movies, TV shows, I think they all display and portray cheating in classic tropes and shame ridden tropes where it's once a cheater, always a cheater, or the person who cheated is not forgiven, and they're shamed, and they're blamed. And I think that cheating is incredibly common. I have worked with many people at this point who have experience being cheated on or cheating in a relationship. And I can assure you that it is very common in relationships. As I've mentioned multiple times before, this is my most requested topic. This is the topic that I get so many questions for. So you're not alone if you are moving through healing from cheating. I think it's important for us to learn how to talk about cheating from a compassionate lens from a more human lens, right, rather than from this place filled with shame and guilt because I think that that makes it incredibly difficult for people to heal from cheating. So today, we're going to be talking about the difference between guilt and shame -- why these feelings arise after someone cheats. And we're also going to talk about my approach to processing and healing these hard feelings. By focusing on self forgiveness and self compassion.
My intention for this episode is to assist you in healing and forgiving yourself for cheating in a relationship. Or if you didn't cheat and you're listening, I hope you learned something new and see a new view on infidelity. Before I jump into today's episode, I wanna mention that if you are currently healing from infidelity. I have more resources on infidelity on my website, new view advice dot com. I recently created an infidelity hub where I have all the resources I've created about infidelity. So I have free journal prompts. I have meditations. I have healing exercises there. And I have all the episodes in 1 place for you to see all the episodes I've done on Infidelity as well as some book recommendations. So if you're interested, in checking those out, I invite you to visit my website at new view advice dot com slash infidelity hub. So let's jump into the first listener question where we're going to discuss healing from infidelity and how we can begin to forgive ourselves and process this feeling of guilt.
Amanda Durocher- listener question 1 [00:03:13]
Hi, Amanda. 6 months ago, I had a drunken 1 night stand with another person even though I've been in a relationship for 3 years. I felt so bad ever since, and I regret it so much. My partner forgave me relatively quickly because everything else is going perfectly, and it was just a 1 time thing. I'm starting to get over it on my own, but I feel so guilty when I see my partner. It's gotten so far that I'm starting to think it's good if we don't see each other for a day because I know it makes me feel better. I love my partner more than anything, and ending our relationship is not an option at all. Do you have any advice? Thank you so much for this question. First, I wanna say I'm so sorry that you're navigating this situation and experiencing so much guilt. I've spoken with and worked with so many people who have cheated in a relationship. I think 1 of the most intense feelings that I've discussed with people who have cheated is this intense feeling of guilt that you've mentioned. And it sounds as though this guilt is all consuming for you right now, especially when you're with your partner. So 1 of the first things I wanna mention upfront in this episode is the difference between guilt and shame. I think when it comes to identifying with guilt, oftentimes, we loop a bunch of different emotions in with the guilt, especially the feeling of shame. So Brene Brown, who is a speaker and an author about vulnerability, talks about the difference between guilt and shame in her book, Daring Greatly. So guilt is a normal emotion, and it's a human emotion that everybody has. And guilt is often a sign that we did something not aligned with ourselves. I view it as a signal to course correct. Oops. I did something bad. Let me fix that and change course. Guilter rises when we break something. Right? So say you're at somebody's house, you're having a glass of water, and you drop the glass, and it shatters everywhere. You might feel guilty because you broke something that wasn't yours. That doesn't mean that you are a bad person. It's oops. I did something I didn't mean to do, and it's assigned to course correct. Right? You can ask, can I buy you a new glass? Can I help you clean that up? And you can apologize for breaking the glass. Shame, on the other hand, is identifying with that choice. So rather than I did something bad, shame is a belief that I am bad or I am a mess or I am fill in the blank with a word that you are over identifying with because of a decision that was made. So I think this is very common for people who have cheated in relationships. I think there's so many reasons people and we're gonna discuss a few of them today. But I think what happens a lot of the time is that when people cheat, they begin to look at their actions, which sometimes is immediately, sometimes it's months later, sometimes it's even years later, and they can begin to identify with this decision.
So meaning, I cheated, therefore, I am bad or even a over identifying with being a cheater and having beliefs around what it means to be a cheater rather than seeing I cheated, not that I am a cheater. The difference between saying I am blank and I did something I wish I didn't do rather than identifying with that mistake. We're human. We all make mistakes. Everybody does things along their human journey that they regret, that they wish they could change that. Afterwards, they say, oh, that wasn't the best choice I could've said that better. Oh, I wish I didn't yell there. Everybody makes mistakes. We want to learn how to not over identify with these mistakes and understand that we're human. Because spoiler alert, you're not bad. You are not those negative words you are telling yourself. You're human, and you made a mistake.
Yes. You did something you regret. But you don't deserve to live with that hanging over your head for the rest of your life. You deserve to heal and to see why you do the things you do. You deserve to forgive yourself because even though we make mistakes, it doesn't take away from us being worthy. That doesn't take away from our enoughness or our love ability. We are all humans. Trying to figure out this human journey as we go. And when it comes to cheating, it can really bring up so many negative feelings about ourselves because so many people don't understand why they did what they did. So my first piece of advice is to start becoming aware I want you to bring awareness to why you cheated. Because when we are healing anything, it's so important for us to become aware of our thoughts, our patterns, our core beliefs, and our internal drivers, and not only to heal, but to make sure this doesn't happen again. Right? If we don't know why we did what we did, then we're unable to tell ourselves it won't happen again or even believe ourselves that it won't happen again. I think sometimes this guilt remains when we don't know why we did what we did. I think sometimes these negative feelings such as guilt and shame maybe embarrassment, maybe discussed with ourselves. There's so many different emotions that can really get tied into this guilt. And I think sometimes these emotions remain because when we know why we did what we did, we're afraid that we can't course correct, and we keep badgering or berating ourselves with fears that we may make the same mistake again. So we never allow ourselves to forgive ourselves from this mistake, to learn from this mistake, to ensure that it doesn't happen again.
Unfortunately, this is a strategy of the mind, and it doesn't work because you're being cruel to yourself, and you're actually how I view cell punishing yourself by playing on a repeat these mistakes you've made. And that's not healthy because it often leads to more distance between you, yourself, and others. So for you, my guess is that your 1 night stand stemmed from something. And so by bringing awareness, you can begin to figure out your why and your triggers to help you alleviate yourself of some of this guilt. Many people tune relationship for a variety of reasons, but a reason that has become clear to me over and over again is that they're seeking a need when they cheat. So this need is often not just sex, I personally haven't met anyone yet who said the sole reason they cheated was for sex. It's often a different need. So I wanna take a minute to really let this sink in because I constantly hear from people in the New View Advice community that they didn't cheat because of sex. But this is such a strong belief in today's society that if you go out and you cheat in your relationship that you were seeking sex with somebody else. That is completely untrue. And many times when I ask people who I've spoken with, if they know why they cheated. They actually can't articulate their why at the beginning of our sessions. And while that may come as a surprise, I wanna spend a few moments -- exploring some of the reasons why I've found people cheat throughout working with people in the newbie advice community. So 1 pattern I've found with cheating is that people who are people pleasers can lose themselves in a relationship. So sometimes people cheat when they've ignored their own needs for so long And to be clear, this is not the fault of the partner who was cheated on. Much of this is very unconscious. Even losing yourself in a relationship is often very unconscious, and we're not able to see ourselves until we're so far gone in that relationship, until we almost snap out of it, and we're like, what happened? Either through a breakup through a moment like cheating or something else will snap us back to reality of what happened, where did I lose myself along the way?
But Often, we lose ourselves in relationships 1 step at a time, 1 choice at a time, ignoring ourselves and our own needs and our own wants 1 moment at a time, and it's over a large period of time where we really feel like we lost ourselves because many small moments lead to this greater, larger feeling inside. So with the people pleaser example, I find that sometimes with people pleasers, they swing from 1 extreme to another so they can be all giving and self sacrificing, and then something happens, and they completely swing to the other end, and they do something for their own pleasure. Right? Oftentimes, when we people please and we lose ourselves in relationships, a lot of our needs aren't being met, but we're trying to make those needs be met by self sacrifice. By giving up too much of ourselves. So then we can swing to the other side and cheat in that relationship because we're trying to fill a need that hasn't been met for a while. But, again, this isn't to blame the person who's cheated on. It's an opportunity for us to just see that there's a reason why these behaviors happen as we're taking accountability for our Another example is that you're not having a need met in your relationship, so you go seek that need outside of your relationship.This is similar to the above example, but it could really be any need. So 1 example that's coming to mind is say you have the love language of words of affirmation. So that's a need for you. You need that language that is going to build you up rather than tear you down. And I honestly think so many people in this world are critical, and they don't even realize it. I know that I fall into this category for a long time in my relation I was very critical of my partner, and I didn't even recognize that I was critical.
My parents were critical of 1 another, so I grew up with that and also They could be critical of me. So it was just the way we talked to each other, so I didn't understand how that was affecting my partner, whose love language was words of affirmation. Also, for me at the time, Words of affirmation was not my love language, so I didn't understand how much that was affecting him. So sometimes when we have a -- partner, and then we meet somebody who's really kind and complementary. It can open our hearts, and that can lead to cheating. That's just an example, but it's because that need is being met. This can also happen if you have the love language of quality time, and you have a partner who isn't able to really fill that. Right? They are very surface level and say you're looking to go deep and you meet this person who all of a sudden you click in a way you're not clicking with your current partner, that can lead to cheating. And, again, it's not an excuse for the cheating. It's understanding why this is happening. So many of these actions are unconscious. So this is us beginning to bring awareness to why we do the things we do. The truth is that most of the times when you enter an adult relationship, an adult romantic partnership, your partner isn't going to meet all your needs. They may never be able to meet your needs or you're going to have to grow together to meet those needs. Many of us not learn how to be an adult relationship. So when we enter adult relationships, we think they're gonna be like the movies. They're not like the movies. Adult romantic relationships involve work, and commitment and love and learning how to be kind to 1 another, learning how to see 1 another, learning how to love 1 another, and learning that the person you're in love with is a different person than you. They have different needs than you. They have different ways of being loved. They have different ways of communicating. And learning how to complement each other, learning how to go through life together is a journey, not a destination you meet, the second you meet each So oftentimes when people cheat, they may not even be conscious of it, but they're seeking a need outside of their relationship because it's not being within that relationship. Another reason people can cheat in relationships is a fear is arising within the relationship, and it can cause someone to act out So an example could be the fear of commitment, the fear of marriage, the fear of losing this person, the fear of deep intimacy. If you have a fear like these, then you may find that you end up, for lack of a better phrase, self sabotaging your relationship at some point because you are hitting this fear.
So say your relationship is going really, really, really well. And deep within you, you have a fear of intimacy or you have a fear of really being seen. And the more you're seen in this relationship, it may cause a part of you to act out, a part of you, which I often think is connected to our inner child, to react to life and to do something to sabotage that intimacy because they're so afraid of intimacy for a real reason. It's often a safety mechanism when we self sabotage because it's a way we've learned to remain safe in the world. And that's why self awareness, inner child work and learning to see why we do the things we do and understand where many of our inner thoughts and core beliefs come from is helpful in healing because a lot of this is unconscious until it's made A great book that can help with this, if you think this could be you, is The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. In this book, he discusses the upper limit problem and how we can have internal blocks and internal beliefs that keep us from reaching new levels of happiness, love, and success. Gay Hendricks does an amazing job of breaking down why it is that we can self sabotage when things are going really well. And so I think this can be a really helpful book for people who think that could be something that's going on here for them. And perhaps there's another reason you cheated in your relationship. These are just 3 examples I wanted to give that I think aren't really talked about, and I've also seen by working with people who are healing from infidelity in their relationships. So as you begin to bring awareness to your behaviors, your thoughts, and the feelings you're having, I also want you to begin to track your thoughts. So tracking specific thoughts you tell yourself when you are with your partner. It sounds like you likely have a lot of negative and self criticizing thoughts when you're with your partner, and that likely is the cause for why you wanna distance yourself.
You likely are able to cope and distract yourself when you are alone or you're able to reassure yourself more when you're by yourself. But it sounds like when the 2 of you are gather, my guess is that you are saying some negative thoughts as well as feeling these feelings of guilt and shame, and maybe other feelings are getting lumped in with this guilt in shame, so I want you to really begin to to identify the feelings that are arising. So I want you to begin to track these negative thoughts and then asking yourself if these are really true. For example, are you telling yourself, I am bad? Is it really this shame that's arising? Are you punishing yourself? Are you criticizing yourself for a miss -- stake you made? And are you identifying with that mistake? And another belief that I invite you to explore is what does it mean to be a cheater? Are you identifying as I am a cheater? And what does this mean to you? Because cheating on someone can cause you to begin identifying as I am a cheater and telling yourself that story, I am a cheater. And the problem with that is that many of us have created stories and beliefs around what it means to be a cheater, such as cheaters are bad, cheaters are liars, cheaters are unworthy, cheaters are unlovable, cheaters are unforgivable.
When truthfully, I don't think cheating 1 time or even multiple times makes you which cheater. I don't think you have to identify as a cheater. To me, what's coming up right now is when I think of having a drinking problem. So I've been sober for 2 and a half years. When I think of I had a drinking problem, I don't identify as I am a drinking problem. I don't identify as I am an alcoholic. I've chosen those words don't feel good to me. I identify as I have a drinking problem.
That drinking problem isn't me. That is not who I am. It is something that I have healed from and continue to heal my relationship with call. So I invite you to create a little distance between you and yourself in this cheating. I have cheated before rather than I am a cheater because you're not currently cheating in your relationship. It sounds like you and your partner have worked through these problems, and you're the 1 having trouble forgiving yourself. So I think that maybe creating some distance between being a cheater and just saying I have cheated. May help you to begin to look at what is going on within you in relation to this cheating.
I also think that being a -- means so many different things to so many different people when the word itself just means that you cheated on a partner. So all the stories that you have attached to the word cheater are gonna be different than the words that somebody else has attached to being a cheater. That is your own experience of that word. That is the beliefs you have picked up from society, from your family structures, from when you were young, from the experience you had with cheating. Just like my relationship with alcohol, every person who has trouble with alcohol, who struggles with drinking, has different beliefs and a different relationship with that alcohol. And so it's important when you're healing to begin to separate other people's stories your stories and what the actual situation that's going on is. Because we're often the ones who create more meeting behind these words, so it's important for us to begin to bring awareness and begin to track what we have attached to these words such as cheater. So I invite you to get curious, track your thoughts, and bring awareness to this situation.
I have so many journal prompts on my website to assist you with this. As I mentioned, you can find those at new view advice dot com slash infidelity hub. I also offer 1 on 1 sessions, and I work with many people who have teed in a relationship. And together, we're always able to dive deep and see the roots of these actions in a safe way. I also recommend therapy. There are many therapists who can help you with this as well. I have also done many podcast -- episodes that can begin to help you to bring more awareness to the situation. My next piece of advice is to practice self compassion with yourself, or in other words to stop self punishing. I think something that is very common with cheating is that when people cheat, they begin to self punish especially if you have a forgiving partner. Because there's a part of you that believes you should be punished or that you should not be so easily forgiven, And so you become the inner punisher, especially if that person outside of you, your partner, is not punishing you. It sounds like in this situation, your partner forgives And you're the 1 who's having trouble letting it go. So I want you to introduce self compassion more and more, especially in those situations with your partner. I think this loops back to our discussion on shame. And if you believe you are bad because of something you did, then there's a part of you, your mind, -- which wants to punish or harm you because of that belief I am bad. Because, again, I think it's the mind trying to keep you from doing it again I think that this can also stem from having critical parents or parents who used to use their words to punish and hurt us. So when we something bad. We take that same strategy our parents used on us of being harmful with their words, and we begin to harm ourselves with our words. Because I want you to really think about that if you understand what you did was wrong and your partner has forgiven you, really exploring why you are unable to let this go. Do you keep punishing yourself with cruel words? Why don't you allow yourself to be with your partner and be present with your partner anymore? I think that that self awareness will really help you to begin to release these layers of guilt and shame.
I've seen over and over again how the feelings of guilt and shame create spiral of guilt and shame. It's so hard to live with self hatred, self punishment, self criticism, self denial, self harm. And so what can you do to begin to forgive yourself? What can you do to begin to open your heart to yourself? What can you do to begin to see yourself through the eyes of your partner who has chosen to forgive you? Want you to begin asking yourself what you need to let this go, and also maybe what are you running from? What is your fear here that is arising? I think a lot of people who in a relationship really are afraid that if they were to let this go, that they may make the same mistake again. And that's more scary to them than harming themselves with cruel self talk. And I think this can happen because it can be traumatic to cheat on someone, and it can be traumatic to be cheated on. So we don't want to live through that again. So we keep living with this shame and this guilt to ensure it doesn't happen again. Truthfully, that doesn't help us because as you said, by living with this guilt and shame, you're keeping yourself from a loving relationship. You're keeping yourself in this spiral and in this pattern and in this loop rather than allowing yourself to move forward in life. Because the truth is we can't guarantee we won't make mistakes again. We can't guarantee bad things won't happen again. It's 1 of the scariest things as a trauma survivor or as somebody who has experienced something very overwhelming for us or very harmful or if we've harmed somebody else, it can be really traumatic, for lack of a better word. So a part of us doesn't want to forgive ourselves because it doesn't want it to happen again.
So you have to learn how to be kind to yourself and assure yourself that it's okay and that you are human. And that you will make mistakes and learning how to accept yourself and accept where you are rather than thinking you need to be this perfect human. That's not true. We all are going to make mistakes, and I think that mistakes are okay. Mistakes are just part of the human journey. It's part of the journey. Here. Right? If life was perfect, it would be quite boring. So we're really here to learn. I believe that we are souls having a human experience. And the soul came here to learn what it was like to be on planet Earth, learn what it was like to be human. And so it's really interested in these learning opportunity. And And it's not so much about never making a mistake again. It's learning how to accept ourselves exactly as we are in each present moment. So that leads me to self forgiveness. I think that when it comes to cheating, we need to learn how to forgive ourselves for our mistakes.
It does not condone our act. -- actions. It does not mean what we did was right or that we didn't hurt anyone, but forgiveness is freeing ourselves of the past. It's letting go of the resentments and the pain so we can move forward and learned from our mistakes, and we can move forward and be in a healthier and a stronger and a more loving relationship. I see time and time again the inability to forgive oneself at -- after cheating. And so I think it's so important to begin diving into the beliefs you've had about yourself and beginning to get honest if cheating created those beliefs or if some of those beliefs go back farther. So as you begin to forgive yourself, as you begin to bring self awareness to this, as you begin to practice self compassion, I also think it's important to practice self care. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself.
I think when people cheat, they think they need to overcompensate with their partners and abandon their own wants and needs And I really think it's important for you to take care of you because that will help you to be a more loving partner. You mentioned needing space sometimes from your partner. I really think that's okay. That sounds like it's a healthy choice for you right now. If it's really hard for you to be with your partner, begin to look at that, and then don't punish yourself for needing space. I know that I need space for my partner. He's my favorite person, but I also need alone time. It's been hard for me to voice that. But when I get that alone time, I'm actually a better partner. And it may sound counterintuitive, but when we fill our own cup first, we can show it better for others. So maybe a part of this right now is that you just need to take care of you and practice being kind to yourself, giving yourself what you need. Spend this time getting to know you because you are worth knowing. You are obviously a loving partner. Not everyone who cheat wants to heal or becomes self reflective about it. But you have, and you've taken this as a chance to get to know yourself deeper, to heal, learn, and grow. And I think that's beautiful and should be honored. And I think that at the end of the you're going to be a more loving and also a more responsible and also a more compassionate partner to your partner as well. You so much for this question.
Amanda Durocher - listener question 2 [00:25:50]
Hi. I love your podcast, and I find all your advice extremely helpful. My question for you is a relationship question. How do you deal with the feelings after a breakup whenever you were the problem? Most breakup advice ice ice ice ice slash here is along the lines of you're better off without them. You deserve better. Screw them. But how do you deal with the feelings of guilt and regret whenever you were the 1 that treated your partner poor My accent I recently broke up, and I'm struggling with all the normal breakup feelings, but this time even worse because I'm the 1 to blame. Broke up with my partner because I felt bad for him in the way I was treating him. I cheated on him multiple times while drunk. I told him about them, and he still wanted to stay with me. I know he deserves better, but he's too blinded by love to see that. Trying to stir up any compassion or forgiveness for myself feels impossible right now. Thank you for this question, and thank you for your kind words about the podcast. I think this is a great question.I think so many people can relate to this question. So thank you. I am so glad you asked this. So I want to offer you a new perspective on this because as much as I love self awareness and taking accountability, I think it's a really important step to healing. And I think that there's power in understanding why we do the things we do, and when we take accountability for our mistakes, that's when we can truly begin to heal. I think it's so important. And it reminds you of the lyric from Taylor Swift song antihero where she goes, it's me. Hi.
I'm the problem. It's me. That's 1 of my favorite lines. I hear it in my head all the time, and I love that. I love that you're able to take accountability for your actions. But with that said, I truly believe there is a balance, and I don't think you were the entire problem in your relationship. I think it sounds like you definitely have some things to look at and heal, but I wanna offer you some compassion because it sounds like you are being very self critical using words like, you're the problem, blaming yourself, and saying you're having trouble offering yourself compassion. I'm not sure how old you are, but we all make mistakes in relationships, especially when we're young.
I think the twenties for a lot of people learning how to be in relationships, learning how to take accountability in relationships, learning how to be healthy in a relationship. It's not about learning to be perfect in a relationship. So first, I want you to explore your beliefs about relationships and reflect on the relationships that were modeled to you as a child. And as a teen. Many of us are not taught how to be in a healthy relationship and how to be loving and caring, and many of us are actually taught behaviors that contribute to us being the problem. Many of my problematic behaviors that I have displayed throughout my relationship were learned behaviors. I saw other people act this way in my life or on TV shows or in movies, and 1 of these behaviors is yelling. I used to yell a lot at my partner.
I had a lot of bottled up anger, and I didn't know how to process it. I wish I could say I never yelled at my partner still, but I actually yelled at him just the other day. Not my finest moment, and I felt horrible. I started having thoughts like, what the hell, Amanda? You should know better. I went into a spiral of negative thoughts, and then I said to -- myself enough, like enough. And I got real honest with myself. What triggered me? Why did I react this way? What inner signs did I ignore to allow it to get this far? What was I trying to say with my anger? So, for example, for me, I didn't feel seen in the moment, so I fell into an old pattern of yelling. Thinking the louder I get, the harder it would be to ignore me.
This doesn't actually work and is something I learned from the way my parents interacted. I found that my father specifically used to yell a lot, and I felt like it was a way he would take up all the space, take up the room. But with the healing journey, it isn't about perfection. It's about connecting back to ourselves, and it's about learning to love ourselves as imperfect humans, and it's about learning to catch those moments quicker. Right? So for that moment where I yelled at my partner, then I went into a downward spiral, and then I became self reflective, that happened in the span of probably 20 minutes where that could have lasted days in the past for me. And I really think it's important to continue that awareness and learning why we do the things we do and learning how to be an adult, learning how to be responsible to take accountability for actions, learning how to apologize to others and to ourselves, and growing and learning from our life and experiences, not running and hiding in shame. It's about acceptance. So I invite you to take some time to reflect on your actions within your relationship and whether there are any similarities with the relationships that you have witnessed during your life.
Self acceptance is a really important part of the healing journey, and self acceptance is accepting who we are and where we are in every present moment. And part of that self acceptance is accepting that a lot of times we get it wrong, and a lot of times we're not acting from the present. We're actually reacting to the past. But self acceptance isn't about continually punishing ourselves, blaming ourselves, and calling ourselves the problem. It's about recognizing where our problematic behaviors come from. It's about recognizing that we were never meant to be perfect. It's about learning and growing so next time we can hopefully do better, it's about accepting where we are. And loving ourselves exactly where we are no matter what behavior we're displaying or have displayed previously.
Amanda Durocher [00:31:05]:
I really think we want to learn how to respond to life, meaning to take a moment to step back acting intentionally rather than reacting to life, which is when we respond from our emotions rather than from the present moment. So for you, I think acknowledging your mistakes is huge, and I think it's really brave that you're willing to admit that you made a lot of problems in your last relationships. I know that for so many people, they don't do that. Just turn on the news or read the comments sections on social media, and you'll see so many people who do not take responsibility or accountability for their actions. They are acting like children, and I think acting like an adult is learning to take accountability. For yourself. I think that's a beautiful step. But as I say this, I really want you to be kind to yourself as you do this.
A way that may help you to do this is to begin practicing inner child work. My guess is that a lot of these actions and behaviors you exhibited in your last relationship were stemming from inner child or from childhood wounding. It can be a lot easier to be kind to ourselves when we begin to view the child with in us who is acting out rather than viewing ourselves as the adult we are today. So as you bring awareness to why you do the things you do and why you cheated on your partner while drunk, begin connecting with the feelings, thoughts, and beliefs arising. Do you see a pattern throughout your life? Did 1 of your parents exhibit similar behaviors If you have strong feelings arise, when was the first time you felt these? Such as guilt and shame, have you healed the times you first felt these a So to return to the example when I yelled at my partner just the other day, I stopped myself, and I said, why am I so triggered? And I heard the word disrespected in my head, and I was like, oh, yeah. I did feel disrespected. And I was like, this isn't a word I've really sat with, disrespected. So I was like, when did I first feel disrespected? What is this connected to? Why did I have such a strong reaction to such a small moment? Then I had flashes for my teen years after being sexually assaulted.
And how I felt disrespected by the people for ignoring my existence. The people in the past who hurt me tried to never speak to me again. They walk the halls of my school and they pretended I didn't exist, I felt like a ghost. And so I realized that in my present day, when my partner ignores me, can trigger this feeling of being a ghost and feeling disrespected. So for me, I was triggered by this past trauma that ignoring me equals disrespect. There was a part of me acting out and trying to actually get my own attention. Because it wasn't until I became aware that I was feeling expected when I was ignored and that there was a part of me and my teen years that had a real thing that needed to be witnessed and healed and sat with. That part of me was going to constantly get triggered until I looked at that because that was something within me that needed to be witnessed.
It really needed my attention. Because that teenage version of myself who experienced very real trauma deserves for me to look at everything she experienced. Once I brought my awareness to this present moment and how it connected all the way back to my teen years, it was so much easier for me to be kind to myself about my overreaction. I was like, oh, course. Of course. I felt that way. I had never seen that before. Okay.
I can see that. I'm so sorry, self. I gave myself a moment. And then I was able to take real responsibility for my actions in the present and to truly apologize to my partner because I could see that he did nothing wrong. And he didn't deserve that reaction. That was true. It was all me. Now could he have acknowledged me and helped me to feel less ignored? Yes.
And we talked about ways he could do that moving forward to help me feel safe within the relationship. But we were able to have that conversation in a calm manner And I was able to communicate why I needed that, and that was helpful for him. But, technically, in that situation, he didn't do anything wrong. It was 1 of those Taylor Swift moments where it's me, hi. I'm the problem. It's me. And I took responsibility for that. And I share this because this is 1 way you can begin to forgive yourself and take accountability for your actions.
Inner child work is so important, and I truly see so many children in adult bodies when I leave the house. There are so many people with unprocessed trauma and emotions. And when we do not process the hurt and pain within us, we either begin to lash out at others or at ourselves. Healing is a journey back home to self, and it takes time and energy and is much easier if you can be kind to yourself as you heal rather than judge and criticize and -- and so I think that sometimes we can take on too much responsibility. And here, it sounds like you may be taking on too much responsibility. I think there were probably other issues within your relationship. There may have been needs that weren't being met. That's not me blaming your partner This is not about blaming and shaming.
We're not throwing blame and shame back and forth. We're just becoming aware of why we do the things we do. And that oftentimes, we don't just act out and do horrible things. I think that's a reason it can be hard to let go of guilt and shame is that when we don't understand why we did the things we did, we can think we're just this horrible person. We're like, oh my god. What if that happens again? That was a fluke, but that fluke could happen again. It doesn't work like that. But we're living so unconsciously here on Earth.
It's so important for us to begin to bring awareness to ourselves to understand that that's not how it works. Right, to understand that maybe our partner wasn't meeting all our needs, but maybe we never communicated those needs. Right? And so it's just about seeing the bigger picture, not about blaming anybody. And here, I want you -- to not only work on forgiving yourself and giving yourself a break and understanding that we make mistakes, I also want you to learn to see maybe if there were some needs that weren't met for you within this relationship and to become aware of why you did the things you did Because I think that that will help you for future relationships. That will help you be able to communicate your needs. That will help you to be able to see the signs and the triggers that led you to those nights out where you were drinking and cheated on your partner. So I just want you to take responsibility, but also to let yourself off the hook at the exact same time. It sounds counterintuitive, but I see life as the infinity symbol where it's all about balance.
And so we have to learn to balance responsibility and also balance that forgiveness and letting go of our mistakes. I really believe that you're achieving likely stemmed from a wounded place, So rather than judging yourself for this wound, I want you to learn to love yourself so fully that you and your body know that it's safe for you to release that wound. As I mentioned in my previous answer, I think self care is really important for you right now. Self criticism can feel like we are stabbing ourselves with 1000000 little needle needle. And so it's important for you to begin to care for yourself. Treat yourself like a child. Give yourself time to play and rest and cry. Allow yourself the time to feel your feelings but also to enjoy life.
Healing is a journey, not a destination. So you have to learn how to live and enjoy life and allow the healing and heart feelings and hard realizations and hard moments, but also to enjoy it. Life is all about balance. I also wanted to touch on how you broke up with your boyfriend because he's quote, unquote, too blinded by love to see that he deserves better. I think a way you could begin to reframe this is that you broke out with your boyfriend because you know that you can be a better partner and you're choosing to be single until you are ready to be a more loving partner? We are not responsible for making others' decisions, and I'm not saying you should be with your ex. I think you being single could be a great time for you to heal and connect with yourself But I do believe you should reframe this decision from a you perspective, not his perspective. If he chooses to be with you despite your fault, That's his choice. You do not need to make that choice for him. I know many people who have been cheated on and have stayed with their partners, and their relationships have changed and grown and now flourish. It is possible to heal from cheating in a relationship, and the relationship also does not have to last. But I want you to begin taking ownership for this decision and framing it in a way where you broke out with him to choose yourself and your own healing because that's really what I think you did here. I know how hard it can be when we are our own biggest critic, So I want you to begin to reframe the language within you to be more loving, compassionate, and gentle with yourself. You deserve your own love. And the more you love yourself, the more you will attract a partner who loves you. And the more you love yourself, the more you will be willing to accept the love of others. Because I think sometimes when somebody loves us more than we love ourselves, we just can't be in that relationship or we can't see it. And I really believe we can only love somebody as much as we love ourselves, so it's just so important to learn to love ourselves. Because you're worthy of love. You deserve love. You're enough exactly as you are. You're human. And I invite you to be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself, and to forgive yourself. You're not the only 1 who's made this mistake. This is very common within relationships, and I think it points to a bigger societal problem with relationships.
Not something that's wrong with you. So I invite you to be kind to yourself, and thank you so much for this question. I hope you found something helpful.
Thank you so much for tuning into another episode of New View Advice. Thank you for having this conversation with me about infidelity. I really enjoy talking about this topic because I think that it has a bad rap. And I think that it's important for us to continue to dive deep and to be compassionate with ourselves. I wanted to mention again before we wrap up, if you're interested in more resources assist you in healing from infidelity, you can check out my website, and I have an infidelity hub where I have free journal prompts, resources, podcast episodes and more to help and assist you in healing from Infidelity. And you can find that on my website at newviewadvice.com/infidelity. Yep. Thank you so much for tuning into another episode of New View Advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through, sending you all my love. See you time.
