68: Emotional Abuse & Gaslighting: How to Heal from Relationships with Emotional Abuse, Gaslighting, and Lying
Emotional abuse in romantic partnerships, families, and friendships can be scary and confusing because many forms of emotional abuse are subtle and committed by people we love. In this episode, my intention is to bring awareness to emotional abuse by discussing what it is, common warning signs, discuss what gaslighting is and why some people gaslight, and how it can look different in every relationship. I also answers two listener questions about healing from emotional abuse in relationships with romantic partners.
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Journal Prompts 🖊️
What makes you feel safe in a relationship? Can you think of an example of a relationship (romantic partner, family member, or friend) where you feel safe? What signs and actions in this relationship make you feel safe?
What actions makes you feel unsafe in a relationship? Can you think of an example of a relationship (romantic partner, family member, or friend) where you feel unsafe? What words, feelings, or actions in this relationship make you feel unsafe?
Is there a person in your life where you feel like you need to “walk on eggshells”? How does this feel in your body? Why do you think you feel this way?
Download the full list of FREE journal prompts!
Free Resources 📑
Recommended Episodes 🎙️
Book Recommendations 📚
How to Do the Work by Dr. Nicole LaPera
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsey C. Gibson
Suggested Song 🎶
Learn More About Emotional Abuse (Episode Research): 🔗
Timestamps ⏱️
Introduction 0:00
What is Emotional Abuse 3:07
Signs of Emotional Abuse 9:48
Gaslighting 10:28
How to Heal from Emotional Abuse 22:00
Question 1 30:02
Question 2 42:50
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or drama is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started. Hi beautiful souls. My name Amanda Duroocher, and this is New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers you seek. believe you have all the answers you just may need a new view and a little help along the way.
Thank you for joining me for today's episode. Today's episode topic is emotional abuse. gaslighting, and other forms of harmful emotional behavior. Today, we'll be talking about what emotional abuse is, various warning signs of emotional abuse how emotional abuse can impact all areas of your life and my recommended suggestions for starting your healing journey. Emotional abuse is not only scary, but it can be really confusing. abuse doesn't just happen by, quote, unquote bad people. People we love may be exhibiting these behaviors as well. And today, I wanna help you to begin to identify emotional harmful behavior in your own life. Because I think that a lot of times with emotional abuse, it's very subtle. And that's what can be very confusing for us and our awareness. So emotional abuse can be present in all sorts of relationships, including romantic partnership family relationships, friendships, even relationships you may have at work. Those are your questions today cover romantic partnerships. But throughout the episode, I will be touching on other type of partnerships as well. So one question is from a listener who recently ended a relationship with a partner who lied to them. And as they are reflecting on that relationship, they're noticing more times when this and lied, and the relationship is feeling emotionally abusive, and they're wondering how to heal. And the second question is from a listener who's healing from an abusive relationship and is having trouble viewing this person as all bad, and they're looking for advice on healing. I also wanna mention here upfront that it may be hard to label someone's behavior as abusive. I feel like the a word can feel so scary for some and liberating for others. And if the word abuse doesn't feel to you. I invite you to use whatever word does feel good to you. Maybe it's just harmful behavior.
Maybe it's just using what type of emotional abuse it is. for example, maybe you just wanna focus on how somebody's criticizing you and you don't wanna call it abuse. I wanted to mention that here up front because I'd want you to listen to this episode with an open mind. if you think this may resonate with a relationship in your life and understand that if the word abuse doesn't work for you, you don't have to use it. Use whatever words and language feel helpful for you along your healing journey rather than detrimental. My intention for this episode is to help you to bring awareness to the emotionally abusive patterns and emotionally harmful behavior in your relationships and provide you with some tools to help you connect with your heart, heal, and trust your instincts moving forward within these relationships. For more information and free journal prompts that we'll go with today's episode, you can head over to my website, newviewadvice.com/68.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:58]:
So with that, let's jump on into talking about emotional abuse.
Amanda Durocher What is emotional abuse? [00:03:07]:
What is emotional abuse? Emotional abuse is a form of psychological abuse. It's an abusive behavior that undermines your emotional or psychological well-being This behavior can include manipulation, intimidation, control tactics, and more, and we'll discuss more throughout the episode. And emotional abuse can be really subtle. as I mentioned already, I think that a reason emotional abuse can be hard to detect and can feel very confusing to us is because it can be very subtle. I also think that in today's society, we've accepted a lot of behaviors as normal that are actually emotionally abusive. For example, I think that I see so many people criticizing people on the Internet. Right? If you read the comment section of anybody who's famous on the Internet, you can quickly see the amount of criticism, name calling, and, honestly, emotional abuse that is going on publicly. And so I think that the normalization of this type of behavior in all different areas of our lives has made it more difficult for us to be able to detect emotional abuse our lives because we see it so normalized outside of us. So I think that's a reason it can feel very confusing for us. Again, I really think emotional abuse is very complicated. I think our society has started throwing around the words gaslight and narcissist. And, yes, many people do gaslight, and there are many narcissists in our world. But many of these people do not understand what they are doing and why they're doing it. So as I said, I think many times this behavior stems from their own wounding in ways they've developed to cope with and feel safe in the world. And if they're from narcissistic family structures or family structures that gas lit, that's what they learned was appropriate behavior. so then they perpetuate that behavior. And I'm not justifying it. I'm not saying that's an excuse for their behavior, but when we're healing, I think it's helpful for us to understand that many times, it's unconscious on their part. So it's not about shaming and blaming them. It's about healing our own hearts. It's about understanding that many of these people who do abusive behavior are wounded. And that's okay. We can disengage from them or we can stay boundaries, or we can tell them the behaviors we see, and we do not have to tolerate that abuse. But we also don't have to shame and blame them. Because that's what I see a lot in today's society is that there's a lot of shame and blame being thrown back and forth from side to side. I also wanted to mention another group here that I think partakes in emotional abuse and has been a group of people that I've looked at through healing, and this is the way women treat each other. So I think that women don't often use physical violence, but they use emotional violence, and they use their word to hurt one another. I know this is something I experienced throughout my life. And when I was specifically a teenager, I experienced a lot of emotional abuse, a lot of bullying, a lot of emotional manipulation, and gaslighting. And I think that this is very common, and I think as we get older, I've spoken with many women now who don't have a lot of friends. They have a few, but they don't really have a lot of female friends. And I think this stems from younger experiences. I know that's true in my case. I don't have a lot of female friendships at this point, and I don't have a group of girlfriends. I don't have a large group of girlfriends. And this comes from those experiences from my youth where the group meant reality was often very abusive. Right? And when I think of high school, I think of how many times a group mentality created a really bad situation. So emotional manipulation, abuse, bullying, like, those real criticisms, name calling, and really hurtful words. I can think of a few instances in my youth where one girl would say something really mean, and then a group of girls would jump in and contribute to that really mean behavior. I also had one girl who would deny my reality so she would really technically gaslight me. And I would confront her and try to discuss how she made me feel, and she constantly told me I was making it up and everything was fine. even though she was excluding me, and I was hearing through the Grapevine, hurtful things she was saying about me. And every time I confronted her, she would deny, deny, deny, And then I would get upset, and I would often get angry because I would feel someone heard. And so I would yell at her, and then she would play them and flip it. And she would say that I was overdramatic and that I was being way too sensitive, and I needed to calm down and and this was so confusing for me. This was so confusing for me because she did this over and over again, and it left me so confused and wounded. And I don't think I'm the only one who experienced this. And I find that the way women can treat each other can be really scary and can be really vicious. And I think that it can be classed fight as emotional abuse. So if you've had experiences with friendships or women, and this doesn't have to be gender oriented, I just really see it with women. with the way women treat each other, but I think that if you've experienced that kind of abuse in friendships, that's real. And it's something that your heart deserves to heal from and all your feelings deserve to be felt witnessed and honored along your healing journey. So the last thing I wanna mention here under what emotional abuse is is that I think when people are actually abused. As I've said again and again, it's a very confusing process. It's really not as black and white as the movies make it seem. Usually, it's someone we love, slowly disregarding our reality or yelling at us over time. These people are not often monsters all the time We often have good moments with the people who emotionally abuses. The people who emotionally abuses usually show us love and yell at us. Right? So it's not as simple as just that person's bad. Oftentimes, there are other behaviors they show as well. that make it so it's confusing and easy for us to disregard the bad behavior when they show us good behavior. Because people who demonstrate abusive behavior are also complex humans, and this abusive behavior is often stemming from a wounded place I can see times throughout my life, as I've mentioned, that I've been emotionally abusive, that I've been cruel and critical and where I've used these emotionally manipulative tactics because I didn't have a way to communicate how I was feeling. And because I had a lot of inner demons I was fighting, and I think that it's important for us to recognize this that, one, people can change 2, a lot of this behavior can be unconscious, and 3, people who use abusive behavior are also very wounded people as well. And, again, it's not an excuse to keep these people in your life if they're not serving you. But it's a perspective to recognize so that it doesn't turn into that shame and blame game that I mentioned.
Amanda Durocher Signs of emotional abuse [00:09:48]
So what are some signs of emotional abuse? Emotional abuse can look very different from relationship to relationship. And remember that emotional abuse is often subtle and can be difficult or confusing to the Some of the more readily apparent and more old school examples that may be very clear for everybody is that emotional abuses if somebody threatens your safety, and this includes yelling, screaming, emotional outburst, arguing, and controlling behavior, and even breaking things. I also think more subtle forms of emotional abuse include criticism, shaming, blaming, guilting, and the silent treatment.
Amanda Durocher Gaslighting [00:10:28]
And another form of emotional abuse that has become a buzzword over the past few years is gaslighting. And this is where the goal is to distort your sense of reality and make it seem like the emotional abuse is not real. And gaslighting is when you're reality is denied and you're made to feel crazy, and this often happens over time. And I think some examples of gaslighting behavior include lying, trivializing your concerns and validating your feelings and experiences and accusing you of being too sensitive to emotional or acting crazy And I wanna take a moment to discuss gaslighting in more depth. I think gaslighting is a popular buzzword that is helping to bring awareness to emotional abuse. but I think it can also be misunderstood. I think gaslighting is a manipulative tactic to make you question your own perception of reality. and this can include a situation in the present, in the past, or a memory. And the abuser will often deny your reality and your experience. but I think it's important to recognize that a lot of gaslighting is a defense mechanism of the person using And so what I mean by this is that I'm not condoning the actions of emotional abusers or people who use emotionally harmful tactics But gaslighting behaviors from abusers can actually be a defense mechanism depending on the situation because it may be the case that They are denying your reality because to accept your reality would be something to accept about themselves that they are not ready to accept yet. And that is very immature behavior, but it is a very real defense mechanism. So many of us have built up walls around ourselves to protect the reality we have created. And many of us live in a reality that is not real. And what I mean by that is it's the lies we are telling ourselves in order to keep ourselves feeling safe. And if you come at somebody who's showing emotionally abusive behavior and you say, that really hurt, you're denying my reality. That was a really hurtful thing, and they say, no. It wasn't. You're overreacting. It may be coming from a place that if they were to accept that they were emotionally abusing you, that would be mind boggling them because they'd have to do more inner reflection than they're willing to do. And I think a book that discusses this is adult children of emotionally immature parents. So if you find that the person who's emotionally abusing you is a parent, I recommend adult children of emotionally immature parents. by Lindsay Gibson. It's a very helpful book in recognizing some of this emotionally abusive behavior. So I think that, as I mentioned, when it comes to gaslighting, something to recognize is that this is often a defense mechanism. 2 other signs of emotional abuse I wanted to mention are one common form of emotional abuses isolating you from your friends and family because that creates a smaller world, and that would create space for the abuser to keep abusing you because you wouldn't be able to get that outside perspective of somebody reflecting back to you that this behavior is abusive. So a sign that the relationship may not be as healthy as it once was would be to see if your world has gotten smaller and smaller. since interacting with somebody. And another sign I wanted to mention is that in emotionally abusive relationships, they can often leave you feeling as though you're walking on eggshells because you are so concerned with how they may react. And I think that if you feel like you're walking on egg shells in a relationship, it often is a sign that you don't actually feel safe in that relationship, so it's a great place to begin reflecting on why that is that you feel like you're walking on eggshells and to see if that's a sign that there may be abuse going on in the relationship. So sometimes when we feel like we're walking on eggshells, it's because the other person is demonstrating behavior where we don't feel safe. In other we feel like we're walking on eggshells. It's because we are so insecure about ourselves that we've put ourselves through such a filter or another way to put that is that we are not showing up as our authentic selves because we're so scared to be seen that we can walk on eggshells in relationships. So If you feel like you're walking on eggshells in relationships, it's a time to reflect on if this is because of a person's behavior or if maybe this is a way that you're showing up in the world. And if you're maybe ready to change that because everybody deserves to walk on even footing to be proud of who they are, and to walk in this world, loud and proud. I know that sounds really cheesy, but that's something I've been trying to embrace more and more because I am somebody who has been a really afraid other people throughout my life and has felt like they're walking on eggshells. And sometimes it's because there's abuse going on in the relationship. And other times, it's just because I'm so afraid of being seen, and that's been something I've had to reflect on throughout my own journey. So I think when we're trying to identify signs of emotional abuse, It's really important to focus on how this person's behavior is making you feel. So I think that so many times we try to logically decide if somebody's being abusive. And where you will always be able to decide this is with the feelings in your body. What does your body communicate meeting? What emotions are arising? How does their behavior in the words they are using feel in your body? I really, really know from my own experience, that your body is always communicating with you. And if something doesn't feel right, if somebody is words don't feel right. If you try to share something with somebody and they disregard your feelings and that doesn't sit right for you, do not ignore that Trust yourself. Your body knows what is right for you, what feels good to you, and what is abusive behavior. Your body is communicating with you at all times and telling you what relationships feel good and which ones do not. And that doesn't mean you have to run from the relationship. Maybe you have to have a conversation Maybe it's you showing up a certain way that needs to change in that relationship. Each relationship is different, but your body is communicating with you with how you feel. Your feelings are an intelligence within you. They are communicating to you the truth of how you're feeling. And how you're feeling may stem from farther farther back from maybe a childhood wound that's being triggered. It is going to be different in every situation, but I want you to really start trusting what your body is communicating with you and starting to connect back with that. So say you feel a punch in your gut when somebody says something to you. In that moment, you may not quite understand what that gut punch means. But write it down and then spend time reflecting on why did you get that gut punch? Why did you feel super anxious around a certain person? Listen to yourself. Listen and trust yourself. I believe that the world we live in is very confusing. And I believe that when I look outside myself, see a lot of people displaying really immature behavior. As I mentioned, an example of this is the comment sections on social media. or going on Twitter. Oh my god. Twitter terrifies me. I think I went on Twitter three times over the weekend, and I ended up crying every time because I was witnessing the hurtful things that humans do to each other. It's not an example of good behavior. And because of this, it's up to you to figure out what feels good to you, what feels aligned to you, and what feels like mature healthy behavior and mature healthy relationships. But it's up to you to learn to trust yourself and to trust your heart because oftentimes, the world will guide you in a way that is not aligned with you. And there's nothing wrong with if you go down that path for a little bit, It's filled with lessons. But along the human journey, it's important to connect back to yourself, connect back to your body, connect back to your feelings, so that you can determine what works best for you. Because, also, everybody's tolerance for certain behavior is gonna be different, and there's nothing wrong with that. I used to feel like I was punished by people for being a sensitive person. There's nothing wrong with me being sensitive. My sensitivity is a strength. But I had a lower tolerance for cruel humor and for mean sarcasm and for criticisms. And that was up to me to learn to communicate and what I could tolerate and what I couldn't and to leave the relationships where people weren't willing to affect my boundaries. But every relationship is gonna be different. Every person is gonna be different, so it's important for you to look at yourself and to connect back to yourself so you can figure out what works best for you moving forward. Because as I mentioned, with emotional abuse, it's incredibly confusing, and it can be incredibly subtle. but that doesn't justify it or mean you have to take it. You just have to begin to communicate for yourself, and the way you're gonna learn how to do that learning to communicate with yourself. So when it comes to emotional abuse, I wanted to give some examples about how this abuse could still be impacting you if this abuse is happening in the present or even if this abuse happened in the past. So if you're a regular listener of the podcast, you're aware that I am a huge believer in inner child work because our past experiences, especially those ones from childhood are teen years, oftentimes are impacting our current relationships. And I think that by beginning to identify and heal our childhood wounds and the abuse from past romantic relationships or past relationships that can help with our current and future relationships because if we are accepting abuse in the present, it's often that we also accepted abuse in the past. And we can only stop this pattern of accepting abuse by beginning to recognize it, and you may need to see and recognize that you've been experiencing abuse for a long time. And you may have been experiencing this abuse because you were not aware this even was abuse. Right? So if this abusive behavior was present in your childhood through a critical mother or an abusive father who yelled or used the silent treatment or denied your reality, you may find that you continue to find relationships with these kind of patterns because there's a child version of yourself that is one looking to heal, but also that created beliefs about this kind of behavior and that it was okay. And so the adult you, who you are today, it's important for you to begin to look at these wounds and how your relationships today may be reflecting those woundings from the past and creating new beliefs about the world. Because you deserve relationships where you feel safe, you deserve relationships with people -- who are emotionally mature. You deserve relationships with people who communicate their feelings and acknowledge your reality and acknowledge when they did something wrong. Right? A mature way of being is learning how to apologize to one another because we're not perfect. Right? I still sometimes can say something that my partner takes as critical. And I may have not meant it critically. But when he tells me that, I take responsibility for that, and I pivot And I learned from that experience, and I learned that my words have power and that it's important for me to recognize that and to create a safe environment for my relationship. So I think it's really important for us to begin healing from all the abuse throughout our lives in order to help us to move forward in our present day. And some other common effects and impacts of emotional abuse include PTSD, low self esteem, anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues, self doubt, self criticism, and using coping strategies such as drugs and alcohol, These aren't all the effects and impacts, but I think these are very common ways we can be impacted by experiencing emotionally abusive relationships.
Amanda Durocher Healing from emotional abuse [00:22:00]
So here are some suggestions for healing from emotional abuse. Healing from emotional abuse takes time. It doesn't happen overnight. oftentimes, as I've mentioned, we've experienced emotional abuse throughout our lives, including in childhood and including in those family dynamics and in those family relationships. So It takes time to peel back the layers and to begin seeing the emotional abuse. Oftentimes, you're able to see one form of abuse. And as heal that, then you begin to see that maybe there were more subtle forms of abuse as well and that this abusive behavior and this emotionally manipulative or emotionally harmful behavior appeared in other ways to write your life as well. So it's not about right now recognizing every way you were emotionally abused. It's about beginning to bring awareness. So that's my first piece of advice is to bring awareness to the abuse or harmful behavior. I think that awareness is often the first step. because without awareness, we're not able to make change. And I think that for a lot of us, we don't even recognize emotional abuse right away. I know that I'm still recognizing emotional abuse from my childhood. So the example I gave at the beginning about girls being emotionally abusive to one another, this is something I've really come to look at over the past couple of years as I've been healing female friendships is that this behavior is abusive, and it goes far back, and it goes back to the way that little girls treat one another. I can still remember the first time a girl said an insult about another girl. I was at a play date. I was probably, like, five years old. And I was hanging out with 2 girls, and one girl went to the bathroom, and the other girl started saying really mean things about this. other girl. And I had never been around that kind of behavior before. And I looked back, and it's like, oh my gosh. That behavior starts so young among friendships, but specifically among women. And I think that it just starts to set a pattern of how women can treat each other. And I think awareness is important because I think it can be really hard to label somebody as abusive. So as I mentioned up front, you may not wanna call it abusive, maybe just emotionally harmful behavior. But it can be really hard to view the ones we love as if they're abusing us because that can shake up our own reality. As I mentioned to that, people who gaslight often gaslight because it's a defense mechanism, because to view life through your perspective would be too hard for them. It can also be hard for us to admit that some of the behavior we've been putting up with is emotional abuse that can be really heartbreaking for us. So this all happens in layers and over time. I think it's really important to begin diving into awareness around emotional abuse and emotional harm. It's important for you to really begin to acknowledge how you feel when you're with these people and when they say or do something that feels harmful. As we discussed earlier, I invite you to start tracking your emotions and how they feel in your body. While you may be confused about the situation your body is often wiser than your mind and can give you the information you need. So some starter questions when looking at these relationships, could be, do you feel safe in this relationship? Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around this person? Are you afraid of them criticizing you if you share your experience? What feelings arise in your body when you're thinking about being criticized? Where do you feel that emotion in your body? And is there a specific person who comes to mind who you feel is critical of you or emotionally harming you, if so, explore your relationship with this person. And when we're exploring emotional harm, really, it if you leave the situation with them and you feel emotionally hurt, that's a sign of emotional abuse. If you leave it and in the car, you're criticizing yourself or you feel upset or even angry, those are all signs that there is emotional harm happening within this relationship. And these are a few questions to begin with, but I'll also have journal prompts on my website at newviewadvice.com/68 to assist you in bringing awareness to these relations ships. My second piece of advice for healing from emotional abuse would be to offer yourself compassion and grace. Many of us who have experienced emotional abuse tend to be our own biggest critics. and our own emotional abusers. Oftentimes, we take the words of others that were emotionally harmful and began saying them to ourselves. So we may lead these relationships, but we can continue to play that abusive voice in our own heads and harm ourselves. important to start building self compassion practices such as journaling, meditation, and practicing being kind and gentle with yourself. I think many people tend to ignore the effects of emotional abuse, and it's very, very harmful and deserves your love, attention, and grace. when healing. My third suggestion for healing from emotional abuse is to start a journaling practice. I think journaling really has the power to assist you on your healing journey. I have received this feedback so many times from people who visit my website and start using the free journal prompts. I receive emails and Instagram DMs of people just saying that journaling has really assisted them. So I've always known this with my own healing journey, but I can say with certainty after talking to so many people that journaling really is a great practice to assist you in healing. And I think that journaling can help you to begin to really look at witness and feel some of the hard feelings and emotions around these experiences. And I think journaling helps you to connect back with yourself many times when it comes to emotional abuse, we begin to see how bad it was when we leave the relationship, and the things we ignored can become clearer in a way we can do this is by writing about our experiences. So as I mentioned, I'll have these journal prompts on my website at newviewadvice.com/68 But another suggested journaling exercise for you would begin to track how you feel in the relationships you may feel are emotionally harming or abusing you. I would suggest you begin writing down how you feel after interacting with these people and writing down the things or actions they did that made you feel uncomfortable. And after a week or 2, you can read your previous entries, and you can begin to see if there's a pattern here of emotionally abusive behavior. do you feel the same way after every time you see this person? I know that that's something that I've done throughout my life, specifically in friendships, is Starting to track if I always feel drained or tired or hurt after spending time with somebody, and those are always real signs for me that there's something going on in the friendship that needs me to look further into it and to decide if that friendship's still serving me. And I also think this helps because I think that when you're living in a state of abuse, it's common to be able to see the forest for the trees. So it's common to not be able to see the bigger picture. You can just be caught up in that one instance. We tend to have short memories as humans so we can get caught up in those cycles of abuse. And so beginning to step back, witness, and track can be a really helpful practice. My 4th piece of advice would be to seek help Healing from emotional abuse, emotional neglect, emotional trauma, and all the emotional harm takes time and is often very nuanced. And as I mentioned, it can be confusing and can be very subtle. So it's important to seek help along the way. I think having someone there to assist you in looking at this behavior and diving into its effects will help you to create a safe space to look at some of these hard experiences. I suggest therapy. I still go to therapy. I also offer one on one sessions, or you can look into a coach. I know there's so many coaches out there who specialize in specific types of traumas or experiences. But I think that finding a safe space to assist you on your healing journey is a really helpful practice. relationships with emotional abuse, it's common for people who are abusing you to isolate you. And so it may seems scary to ask for help, but I think that even asking a family member friend or somebody in your community could be helpful for you if you're feeling like you are becoming isolated within this relationship. So now I'm going to jump into our first question.
Amanda Durocher listener question [00:30:02]:
Dear Amanda, I recently broke up with my boyfriend because he lied to me. And, honestly, I don't know how long he's been lying to me. About a month ago, I got really drunk, and I don't remember everything that happened. When I woke up the next day, my boyfriend was really mad at me when I asked him what happened. He said I had gone crazy on him and threw shit at I couldn't believe it. I had never done anything like that before. I felt so bad. Well, when I talked to our friends, they said that didn't happen and that my friend had put me to bed. and that my boyfriend had left early and gone to a bar with his friends. He made up the whole story. When I tried to confront him, he got really angry at me and started calling me and our friends, Helliers. I broke up with him because it was all too much. But when I look back on our relationship, I'm beginning to see a lot of times that I think he lied. I tried asking him about it, but he called me crazy and told me to leave him alone. So I'm just replaying our whole relationship, wondering what was true and what isn't. I guess my advice is how do I move on from here? Thank you so much for this question. I'm so sorry that you experienced this emotionally harmful relationship and that you're currently healing from this break up and emotionally challenging relationship. First, I wanna say you're not crazy. I think this word gets thrown around a lot, and you are not crazy. I really believe all our feelings stem from somewhere. So if you've ever been called crazy when you're upset, you are not. Your emotional reaction may sometimes not match the present situation, but with self reflection, you can often see why the reaction may have been so big. A book that discusses this is How To Do the Work By Doctor Nicole Lapara, and I know I've recommended this book many times on the podcast. But if you're looking for help along your healing journey, I think it's a great place to start. So I think that what you're going through is very normal. So many people including myself have experienced what you are experiencing. It's like when we're in a relationship, we're wearing rose colored glasses. And when we leave it, we take off those rose colored glasses. And we're able to see things more clearly. We're able to see the world with the actual colors of the world rather than with this rose colored lens. And this is because space often gives us more perspective. I also wanna say that a lot of what you described in this question does sound like abusive and emotionally harmful behavior. As we discussed earlier, lying, controlling behavior, and gaslighting because that's what this sounds like it is. It sounds gaslighting. These things are considered emotional abuse. I think as you heal, you may even come across more signs of emotional abuse within this relationship because what it sounds like is happening is as you heal and as you begin looking at it, you're remembering more and more instances. I think that's very common that when we remove ourselves from situations or when we begin healing, memories start to come back because we begin to become present to what needs to be healed within us, and that will bring memories that we often shut down or ignored at the time to the surface. I also think that when we're in a relationship, we can be too close to the problem to see it clearly. And a reason for this is safety. I think we wear those rose colored glasses to try and remain safe because a part of us is too afraid to admit the truth to ourselves because oftentimes a need is being met. So if you feel loved by this person or you feel like a need for physical contact or a need for attention is being filled, you may begin to ignore other things in order to keep that need being met. And so there's nothing wrong with this, but when we're healing, just an important thing to recognize. Sometimes we can stay in emotionally abusive patterns because we were having a need met, and it's not about punishing ourselves. It's just about recognizing that a part of us was seeking something, seeking this need, which could be a version of love. and that we felt like that was the only way we could get it at the time. And that often stems from childhood wounds, so it's not about punishing ourselves. It's about continually bringing awareness to ourselves and our hearts and our relationships. And so to me, it sounds like you're viewing some of these situations from this previous relationship more clearly now, and I think that's great. And I think that a lot of these harmful experiences you had in this relationship probably left a scar. So it's important we revisit them because we may have taken on a belief in those moments or we maybe we turned against ourselves because I think that every time we turn away from our own heart, our own self and our own intuition. It leaves a mark on us. It really hurts our heart when we don't trust ourselves. And this happens all the time, but it's important for us to heal that relationship with ourselves, right, to continually to rebuild trust with ourselves. Episode 67 is all about trust, and I discuss in that how We also need to build trust within ourselves. And if we break trust with ourselves, we also need to rebuild that trust with ourselves. And oftentimes, when we experience abusive relationships, they are incredibly painful. But when we look back on them, we get to see the moments where we ignored ourselves. Oftentimes, there were red flags, which could even just be a ping in the body or got knowing or that intuitive knowing where we knew something was off. And when we revisit and heal these moments, we're able to take that learning, take that knowledge, and to heal that time that we may have ignored ourselves, and we get to take a lesson from it, and that helps us to move forward. You know, your question kinda reminded me of this boyfriend had in high school who was also emotionally abusive, and it took me a very long time to admit that to myself. I was a very emotional teenager. I think a lot of teenagers are. But I had experienced a lot of trauma, and I didn't have a lot of help. And I was drowning in my emotions because they were begging to be witnessed, but I didn't know how to witness them, and I didn't have any help or support at the time. and I didn't feel loved by anybody in my life. And because of this, I attracted a partner who was very wounded as well. he had his own inner demons, and we were not great to one another. But one thing he would do was he would lie to me, like, all the time, And when I was young and in love, I didn't see it. I couldn't see it. I literally couldn't see it. I couldn't see the lies. People would tell me he was lying to me, and I just couldn't see it. I wouldn't believe it. I would leave him over everybody else. And I felt like I needed him because at the time, he was the only person who was really kind to me. Everywhere I went, I felt like people were yelling at me. My parents were yelling at me. Teachers were yelling at me. Girls were bullying me. People were lying to me, but this guy was emotionally abusive, but he was also loving. He was also kind to me. He was also there for me. and it created this really unhealthy relationship. I remember once on this school field trip. This is a story that came to mind because of question. But there's this one time high school field trip, and I did something to piss him off. I can't really remember what I did. I think, honestly, all I did was that we went on the senior cruise. It was my senior year of high school. And he was there, and I was there, and I was happy. I was with a group of people And I was just really happy, and I don't think he was happy. And I think that made him very angry that I was happy. So I noticed on the cruise that I had upset him, but I didn't know what I did. He wouldn't talk to me. So after the cruise, we took a bus back to the high school, and he still wouldn't talk to me. And so when I got off the bus, he started screaming at me. like, literally screaming obscenities at me in front of my entire school in front of teachers. No adults intervened. no teachers said anything. Everybody pretended they couldn't see it, but I don't know how you couldn't see somebody screaming at the top of their lungs in front of a girl who's crying her eyes out. Eventually, my friends had to intervene And he continued to scream at me all the way to the car I got in, and I was devastated. But did this end our relationship? No. I went back to him. We we're together for another 6 months. And I share that because I get it for anybody out there who may find themselves in an emotionally abusive cycle. -- and doesn't know what to do. I get it. As I mentioned, in that relationship, I was having a need met. I didn't feel like anybody loved me at the time. I didn't feel like my life was worth thing. And I had somebody who loved me. That's what it felt like. I now know that wasn't real love. That was a lot of other things, but it was not love. But at the time, I needed someone, and he was there. And it's been a really hard situation to reconcile with within myself. but I know how hard it can be to leave an abusive relationship and also how easy it can be to stay and to justify the emotional abuse and convince ourselves that it's fine and that it was only one time and one thing and that it won't happen again. And I know that in this question, you've left the relationship, but I share that for anybody who may still find themselves in this relationship. It doesn't always happen overnight. But I really do believe that you deserve a loving person who validates you, loves you, and makes you feel safe. So it's taken me a long time to heal from that relationship that I just spoke of. I've experienced a lot of trauma in my life from sexual assault rate emotional abuse and more. And what I've learned is that we'll know when we're ready to look at something. We do not need to rush it. but we should trust what is arising. So my guess is if you're listening to this episode, something may be arising for you. somebody who's not ready to look at this would not choose to listen to this episode. They would not be there yet. So I do want to honor that and honor wherever you're at on your healing journey. I believe that healing happens in layers, and each layer will arise when we're ready. It takes time. And I share my experience because be kind to yourself and also choose yourself. I wish there had been somebody in my life at that time who had encouraged me to choose myself. I know a lot of people didn't like that abusive partner I had, but instead of showing me compassion and love, instead they often shamed and judged me and used really critical language, and that wasn't going to change my behavior. One person's shame and blame wasn't gonna get to leave another person who shamed and blamed. Throwing shame and blame back and forth isn't how we change things. It's with love and compassion. It's with honoring and witnessing. It's with feeling our feelings, and it's with a deep knowing and trust that our heart knows what's best for us. So I am so sorry you experienced a relationship like this. It can be psychologically damaging and confusing. But as I mentioned, I invite you to be kind to yourself. And I think if you're looking back on this and you feel like he lied about something and you're not entirely sure, just go with that. You don't need to bring him in on this. Believe yourself and maybe he wasn't lying about what you think he was. But if you were getting a pain in your gut that something was off, trust that. Trust that something was off. You may not even know what was off. but trust that it was off. You know it. Honor yourself. See what arises. But I find that our bodies are way more intelligent than we give them credit for. And Sometimes I can't believe how my body knows that something's off before my mind does. I went through a huge healing around this in August. I was part of a group where the person who led the group starting to get these pings, and I didn't understand why I was getting these pings that something was off. because everything being said seemed to be right, but there was something wrong in my body. And when I left that group, I was able to see that I was right. I had some confirming conversations later on that I was like, wow. I didn't even know that was going on, but my body did. And I think that that's why it's so important for us to really connect with ourselves, connect with our bodies, and to learn to trust ourselves. Trust you. You know what's best for you. Nobody else is living your life. You are the main character of your life, and you deserve to treat yourself as such. So I think it sounds like you're doing really amazing work. You're beginning to become aware. You're learning to trust yourself. You got out of this relationship that was not serving you. And so I invite you to begin journaling if you don't already journal. As I mentioned, all of journal prompts on my website at newviewadvice.com/68, I also invite you to seek help. That may be helpful for you as you're deciphering through these confusing experiences that you experienced. And as the layers as arising as these memories are arising. So I think finding professional to help could help you. And if you find yourself replaying certain in over and over again, you may find EMDR helpful, which is a therapy technique that assists with PTSD. So it really assists with those replaying of memories. And EMDR stands for eye movement, desensitization reprocessing, and it could maybe help you along your own healing journey.And as I mentioned, my last piece of advice is to be kind to yourself. Sometimes when we get out of these intense and emotionally harmful relationships, it can feel like we're getting out of battle. The war is over. But now what? We need time and energy to heal. We are left wounded and bloodied and scarred and dirty. and it's not as easy as we'd like to believe to just go back out there and be ourselves. Often we have scars that need to heal, and that's okay. The healing journey is a journey home to self. You are human. You are learning, and you are so very, very loved. Thank you for this question.
Amanda Durocher Listener Question 2 [00:42:50]:
Dear Amanda, I'm currently healing from a past relationship left me pretty broken. I was with a narcissist. He was also a compulsive liar and really emotionally abusive. I was with him for years, and the only reason we broke up was because I found he cheated on me. He denied it all, but I saw the text between him and the other girl, and I knew he was lying. I left him 6 months ago. And though he has still tried to contact me, I've been able to stay away and take care of myself. My question is, as I review our relationship in heal, I can't help but remember some of the really sweet things he did for me. Like, he took care of me when I got COVID. He would buy me presents, and he would comfort me when I was upset. A lot of the relationship was bad, but honestly, not all of it was. It's hard for my friends and family to see that. They just see him as this horrible guy, but I'm having trouble only viewing him that way. Any advice on how to let go of the good with the bad? Thank you so much for this question. I think this is such a beautiful question, and I think many people can relate to this. So thank you for your vulnerability for asking this. I'm so sorry that you experienced this painful relationship. You said he was a narcissist, a compulsive liar, and really emotionally abusive, so that sounds like a very painful relationship. But I'm so glad to hear you're taking care of yourself and that you're taking the time to heal and that you are no longer in this relationship. I think what you have mentioned here is very, very common and why it can be so complicated to heal from abuse and trauma. I mentioned this a bit earlier, but most abusers or harmful people aren't all bad. I personally don't believe anyone is all bad. I know that's likely an popular opinion, but I believe we're all born good in our life experiences and our pain and our trauma, and the world shapes us into who we are today. and that many, many, many people don't know what to do with all the wounding they've experienced and aren't even aware they're wounded. And because of this, it has effects and consequences on other people and themselves and the world. I really believe that many abusers were abused themselves. I strongly believe that abusive energy needs to go somewhere. An example that I was thinking of when trying to explain this is let's view abuse as a dart. So somebody throws a dart at you, and you can either choose to keep the dart stuck in you bloodied and uncomfortable. You can throw the dart at someone else, or you can take that dart out of you and heal the wound left by the dart. But that dart will have left a mark, and it will need to be healed. And this is an example I give for sharing abuse because I believe that when we are abused, we either abuse ourselves abuse others, or we have to learn how to heal that abuse, and that's how we stop that chain of abuse. But I really believe that abusive energy has to go somewhere, which is why there's so much chaos in the world we live in. Now I don't think that this is an excuse for abusive actions. I think it's just a fact. And I believe everyone is responsible for their actions, and we need to hold people accountable. But I just think it's also important to understand, especially with your question. because you said your ex wasn't always bad. So my guess is he had his own inner demons that he was fighting with, and he was probably abusing himself and abusing you. because as I mentioned earlier, when I was really self critical and in an overwhelming amount of self hatred, that's when I was the most critical of others. That's when I was the most cruel to others. That's when I was the meanest I've ever been, is when I was also being the meanest to my self. People who are abusive are people too. And just because they abuse you doesn't mean that you didn't have good times. Right? Your good times were real. just because somebody isn't great all the time, it doesn't mean those good times didn't happen. It may taint them. I find looking back on good times with people who harmed me, it taints those good times, but it's also very confusing for my awareness because say we had a time where we were really laughing and really having fun. Those were real genuine feelings as well. And I believe that you probably did have good times, and that contributed to why state. Some abusers and narcissists have fantastic personalities. They can be really funny, witty, creative, charming, very complementary at first. And it doesn't mean anything about you that you were intrigued or fell for these characteristics. I really believe it just makes you human. And I don't think you have to view them as all bad in order to heal. It can be really hard for the human mind to make peace with that. I had a mentor who once abused me. Took me years to see, but this was very confusing experience for me because she taught me so much but she also caused me very real pain and humiliation. And it was so hard for my mind to grapple with both. I wanted to love her or I wanted to hate her. I wanted to believe everything she said or nothing that she said. And I had a hard time understanding how both could exist. But the truth is both did exist and that she did teach me a lot, and she also did harm me. So the whole relationship wasn't bad. And I didn't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater as they say. Do I still engage with this person? No. No. I do not, and I don't plan to ever again. But at this point, I'm grateful for the lesson she taught me and honestly seeing how human she was allowed me to also see how human I am. Seeing the complexity of this experience and how abusive people are also often just wounded people, taught me a lot about humans and how when humans experience pain, That pain has to go somewhere like that dark example I just gave. I think it's okay and even imperative for you to honor both parts of this relationship, the good and the bad. Because what I found and likely what you will find is that a part of you needs to grieve the good relationship and a part of you has to feel the anger and all the other hard feelings that arise because of the bad parts. We can't ignore the grieving that goes with the good, such as having somebody who bought you presents and took care of you when you were sick. That was a real experience you had. There was likely a need being met within that relationship, and you may not be having need met now or in the same way, and a part of you likely needs to grieve that. And emotional maturity is learning how to honor all of it. all of the human experience, the good and the bad and how they exist simultaneously, how you can be happy and sad at the same time, how you can be angry and grateful together how you can experience the good and the bad with somebody and how they can both be true. That is part of the human experience. As I'm answering your question, The Song Betterman by Taylor Swift is coming to mind. I think this song is a great fit for your question. I don't know if you've ever heard it. But oftentimes, when people abuse us, we wish they were better. We often stay too long because we hope they will be better. because we've seen those good versions of them because we hope that they'll show up in a different way, and they'll no longer disappoint us. And if you feel called, I invite you to throw this song on and just listen to the lyrics. I think music can be so helpful and healing on the healing journey allowing yourself to sing and dance is healing and also just knowing that somebody else has felt the same way you have is healing. If there's another song that resonates with you about your experience, I invite you to just lean into it. Sometimes when I'm in the healing journey, I listen to the same song on repeat over and over again because it's helping me heal. It's moving energy. It's allowing me to just feel a feeling that I don't need to articulate. I can just allow the music to help me move it. So I think that could be helpful. I'll think, as I mentioned throughout this episode, journaling will be helpful. For you, I think, journal about both the good and the bad, allow all the complicated and often polar feelings to arise. eyes. I think that thinking the world is black or white and thinking we only can feel one feeling at a time is a sign of emotional immaturity. And as I mentioned, the human experience is complex, complicated, and cannot be put in a box. Each person who is listening to this episode is different and hasn't had a different experience. The feelings we all feel are universal, but everyone's journey home to self and journey home to their own heart. and healing of the relationships will be different. And what works for you along your healing journey will be different than someone else. So I invite you to be kind and patient with yourself. You are definitely on the right track. I honor all the feelings you're having. All of them are valid. Thank you so much for this question. I am sending you so much love. Thank you so much for tuning into another episode of New View Advice. As always, I'm so grateful to continue to have these conversations with you each week. Thank you for joining me for today discussing emotional abuse. If you haven't already, I invite you to leave a 5 star rating for the podcast on Spotify or Apple. It really helps to support the podcast. So I'm just so grateful for everybody who leaves a review. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. If you've already left a review, and thank you if you are going to leave a review. Thank you so much for tuning into another episode of New View Advice. As always, I am so great to be here with you and to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you next time.
