77: Denial after Infidelity: How to Tell if You are in Denial or Listening to Your Heart
Denial is a common defense mechanism, especially after being cheated on by a romantic partner. Many of us are often left wondering whether we are being honest with ourselves. In this episode, I answer two listener questions, one from a listener who is conflicted after finding out that their partner cheated again, and one from a listener who wants to know why she keeps making excuses for her partner’s infidelity.
This post contains affiliate links to some of my favorite tools and resources. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. Full terms & conditions here.
My intention for this episode is to help you to begin to bring awareness to denial in your own life so that you can stop the pattern, learn to trust your feelings and intuition, and start taking actions and healing. This episode is focused on infidelity, but is relevant for anyone who often wondering whether they are denying their feelings and emotions.
Free Resources 📑
New View Advice Infidelity Hub - One-Stop-Shop for all things related to infidelity
Recommended Episode 🎙️
Book Recommendation 📚
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown
Timestamps ⏱️
Introduction: 00:15
Question 1: 2:35
Question 2: 28:28
Outro: 40:53
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started.
Hi, beautiful souls. My name is Amanda Durocher, and this is New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers you seek. I believe you have all the answers. You just may need a new view and a little help along the way.
Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode. Today's topic is denial in relationships, and specifically, today, we'll be Discussing denial after infidelity. And though this topic focuses on 2 questions from listeners who feel like they're in denial after being cheated on, I think this will be really helpful full for anybody struggling with denial in any relationship or just bringing awareness to this concept of denial because denial can be really hard to catch. I mean, how many of us are asking ourselves on a regular basis, are we being honest with ourselves? Not many people. We assume we're being honest with ourselves, but the truth is Most people live in denial about one thing or another. And infidelity, specifically, can be really traumatic, and it's common to be in denial about or feelings, your relationship, or beliefs about the situation because people use denial as a safety mechanism to avoid the painful and scary feelings or beliefs that are arising. Today, I'm going to answer 2 listener questions, 1 from a listener who's conflicted after finding out their partner cheated again, and one from a listener who wants to know why she keeps making excuses for her partner's infidelity. My intention for this episode is to help you to begin to bring awareness to denial in your on life.
Denial can be hard to call out in our own lives, and it can often be confused with listening to our hearts. Sometimes it's hard for us to suss out if it's our mind or our heart, And denial can sometimes be the culprit of this. And really denial is being dishonest with ourselves. It's really holding on to a lie or a story or a belief that we have clung to as if it's true, but it's not true. That's why denial can be a safety mechanism. So whether you decide to end the relationship you're in or try to fix the relationship, Learning how to become aware of the pattern of denial and to trust your feelings and intuition will help you to get to the next step of your healing process. And before we jump in, I just wanted to mention that if you're looking for more support after experiencing infidelity in your relationship, you can check out the Infidelity Hub on my website at newvia advice .com. Infidelity hub has lots of free resources such as journal prompts and meditations.
So I highly recommend checking that out, and let's jump into talking about denial.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:55]
Question 1
I, 23 male, and my fiance, 22 female, have been together for three and a years. However, we've known each other for around 6 years. About last February, she cheated physically. I forgave her, and we worked steps towards moving forward. We did counseling, shadow work, spent more quality time together, and focused on doing things different and not falling into old patterns. Short after I found out that was not the the only affair, and she will not be open and honest with me unless I catch her. Recently, again, I caught her texting someone behind my back.
I'm conflicted between my heart and my mind. My heart says stay and forgive because people are not their mistakes, and she tells me she wants to do counseling and change. But my mind tells me I deserve better, and I cannot trust her. I'm truly torn. When I ask her why she does it, she doesn't know. I feel like it's self destructing behavior or a lack of commitment and on her part, but I can't wrap my head around where to begin. I love the marble analogy you gave in the trust episode where the person performs small actions to gain trust because I most certainly feel like I gave my all and gave her my trust without her having to earn it. Do you have any advice on what I should do?
Amanda Durocher [00:03:40]:
Thank you so much for this question. I love this question so much, and I love how you're listening to your heart and practicing following your inner guidance. I love all the awareness you're bringing to your relationship, and I'm so sorry for what you're currently navigating. This sounds like a challenging situation. Shit. And when we feel torn or conflicted within ourselves, that's never a comfortable feeling, and it can cause a lot of confusion. So I just wanna honor what you're moving through. But Thank you so much for asking this question because, as I said, I think this is a really great question. So I wanna start this question, which is talking a little bit without denial because you may be wondering, Amanda, why did you put my question in the denial episode? So denial to me is when we are dishonest with ourselves.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:18]:
It's when we are trying to convince ourselves that everything is fine when it's not fine. It's the lies we tell ourselves. It's the ignoring of red flags. Denial is when we refuse to look at the truth of a situation. And why does this happen? Why do we find ourselves in denial? It's because denial to me is a safety mechanism. So many times throughout our lives, we have developed beliefs about ourselves and the world that we fiercely protect. For example, if you believe you are not enough, This belief, you will actually fiercely protect because that belief itself is to protect you from ever experiencing that root Experience where you first believed you weren't enough. So say a child when they are young experiences a heartbreaking situation.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:09]:
So say They were trying to be vulnerable with a parent and tell the parent how they were feeling or they had a hard experience at school. They go home to tell their parent about the experience. And the parent says, well, it was your fault or stop whining, child. And in that moment, the child was trying to open up to the parent and receive words of affirmation, and instead, they were double whacked. Right? So in that moment, maybe that child creates the belief, I'm not good enough. There's something wrong with me. That root experience is so incredibly painful that then that child goes through the world with the belief, I'm not good enough. And as they go through the world, more things happen that they begin to internalize as if they are not good enough.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:49]:
So then they may fail a test. They may get broken up with. They may be excluded from friendships, and they will continue to internalize, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough. This happened because I'm not good enough because they have that belief about the world. And as we grow up, we begin to create more and more defenses around ourselves because that core belief is so painful. We try to navigate the world so we won't be put in situations where we feel that feeling of not being good enough. So then when we're adults, sometimes we can find ourselves in denial of certain things because we're afraid of triggering that very core painful root belief of not being good enough, of not being worthy, of not being lovable, of being wrong.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:32]:
And so these core beliefs, we don't want to trigger them because they're so painful. We can deny reality. We can be dishonest with ourselves. We can create lies to protect the bubble we have created around ourselves Because that's what happens. We have a core belief, and then we begin to build up more and more defenses. And those defenses create a bubble around us, and denial is used to protect that bubble around ourselves, and the healing journey is peeling back the lies we have told ourselves, The things we have been denying about ourselves, about the world, and through time, connecting with those core beliefs so that we can heal them and see that they were never true. But we have to allow ourselves to peel back the layers of the onion. So I talk a lot about on the podcast that I see the healing journey like an onion.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:16]:
So you're Healing back the layers 1 layer at a time. Often, the layers are there to protect that core belief about ourselves that is incredibly painful. So why do I mention all this? Because for you here, I wonder if you're in denial because I think the feeling of being torn Can be a sign that we're in denial because what it sounds like to me is that you're coming up against a belief that you're trying to protect, so you're being torn between two seemingly opposite beliefs. I think that's a game of the mind that you feel torn because I want you to really think about Two possible situations here with these beliefs you feel torn about. 1, are they actually both messages from your heart? Or 2, do you actually have it reversed? And is it your mind that's telling you that everything's forgivable and that people are not their mistakes and that your heart is telling you you deserve better. This person cannot be trusted. I challenge this because the belief that you can deserve better and that this person is not trustworthy doesn't sound like a mind belief to me. That sounds like a very clear message.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:26]:
And from the situation you've described here, I do believe that you deserve better, and I do believe that your fiance has proven to be untrustworthy. Does this mean they can't change? No. This does not mean they can't change, But I do believe something in your relationship has to change if you continue to find yourself in this situation and in the same pattern. You may have done all the work you can do, or maybe there's something about your relationship that needs to be looked at. I'm not quite sure from your question here, and I'm not saying that you need to in this relationship. But what I am saying is that from what you have described, it sounds like a very heart centered message that you deserve better. And I challenge you on this because are you in denial that you deserve better? Does that feel harsh that you deserve better? Because that sounds very loving to me. And what I have found in the world we live in and with new age spirituality, which I'm gonna call out right now, is this idea of love and light.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:26]:
Love and light, positivity. We love everybody. Yes. We do love everybody, but we also fiercely protect ourselves. We're on a planet where not everybody's trustworthy. That's okay. That's where that love comes in. Love fiercely protects.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:42]:
Love knows when to set boundaries. Love knows your own worth. Love isn't just opening yourself up to everybody. No. Not everybody deserves your energy. Not everybody deserves your presence. Sometimes we need to speak up for ourselves, and others may interpret it as unkind. It's actually incredibly kind to tell somebody the truth.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:05]:
I think sometimes on this podcast, I drop some hard truths That may sound harsh to people. I think it's incredibly kind of me because a lot of people have not been told the truth for a very long time. A lot of people don't understand why things are happening or how patterns are created in their lives. And though what I say may sometimes sound blunt, I think it's incredibly kind. But that's not the kindness I learned as a little kid. The kindness I learned as As a little kid is to keep my mouth shut, to smile, and to act like a little girl. But I'm sorry, but the more I've grown up, I've realized that that was incredibly unkind to myself. That was incredibly unloving to myself.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:46]:
Life is a gift. It deserves to be enjoyed, and it deserves to be protected. Your happiness and your sense of worth and enoughness deserves to be protected. And who can protect that? You. And how do you protect that? Through boundaries? Through knowing your worth, through knowing you're enough. I say all this because you can forgive your fiance and also know you deserve better. You can understand that people's mistakes do not define them and know that you cannot trust her. Both can be true at the same time, which is why I wonder if these are both messages of your heart or if you have them reversed.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:26]:
Because as I mentioned with the love and light new age spirituality, I think that there's this perpetuating of the idea that everyone deserves forgiveness, which I do believe that everything can be forgiven. But that forgiveness means that we can trust them and that we should give our trust away freely. As you mentioned in your question, that's not how the marble analogy works. For anyone who hasn't listened to the trust episode, the marble analogy is An analogy created by Brene Brown, and it's how she describes trust where in order to create trust, it's like putting marbles in a marble jar, and it's done through small actions. Then. So if somebody picks you up at the airport, they get a marble in your marble jar. If somebody keeps your secret, they get a marble in the marble jar. If somebody's a faithful Full partner.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:13]:
They get a marble in the marble jar. But acts of dishonesty and that causes to not trust somebody, it's a marble out of the marble jar. So you may take a marble out if your partner's unfaithful. You may take a marble out if you catch your partner lying to you, if your partner doesn't keep a commitment. And so trust is built over time. So the more marbles you put in the jar, the more you trust your partner. The more marbles you take out of the jar, the more you're gonna feel like you don't trust this person. And so I mentioned this because as you said, you gave your all and you likely gave your trust away without this person earning it.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:48]:
I think that's really common in romantic partnerships. I think that we find somebody, we're attracted to them, and we just trust them immediately. And that can get us in trouble because oftentimes, we really don't Know this person, or they haven't earned our trust yet. And so it's through time and small actions that we're able to add those marbles to the marble are. I also wanted to take a moment here to wonder if you're possibly an empath. Or if you're not an empath, Maybe there's somebody in this episode who identifies with being an empath. So that's somebody who really can feel how other people are feeling, who's very aware of their surroundings. Being an empath can be a natural gift.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:24]:
I am a human design reflector. There's, I think, 5 different types, and everybody has their own unique gifts. So as a reflector, one of my gifts is that I'm inherently empathic. Another reason people can be really empathetic is it's a safety mechanism developed in childhood, and it's developed because If you're in a really emotionally charged environment, like you have an angry parent, you begin to understand the cues and to see when they're angry before they even yell at you to try and feel responsible for their feelings and to for their feelings and to take on those feelings to prevent them from creating unsafety for you. So I mentioned this because empaths have this ability to see the best in people. Oftentimes, empaths can get stuck in this idea of who somebody's best qualities are. They've seen it. They know it.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:10]:
They can Feel this person. They understand why the person is the way they are so they know that they have the capability to be a more loving partner or to be a better friend or whatever it may be, but they see this person's potential. They see the best in this person, and that's an amazing quality to have as an empath. But it can also create denial within us. Because if you are only seeing somebody's best self, somebody's potential self, somebody on their best days, and you are ignoring the bad days, you are in denial of the Truth of the situation. Empaths can get really stuck in seeing the best in people and ignoring the red Flags ignoring the worst because they want it to work out. They want this relationship to work out so bad. They love This person, they know that they can be the best partner.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:01]:
They want this to work out so bad. But if you're ignoring the red flags, if you're ignoring the lies, If you're in denial of the truth of this situation, it's often you who is going to get hurt, not the other person. And I've noticed that this is something that empaths really do. And another reason people do this, and this is also empaths, is that if you are a fixer in relationships. If you were a fixer in your family, you fixed the problems. You were the mediator. You play the role of fixing people's feelings, taking on the responsibility for people's feelings. It can be really hard to put yourself first in a relationship because you are so used to putting other people first.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:44]:
But, again, this is a form of denial. You are denying your own feelings. You're denying the truth of the situation, and you are denying that your needs are just as important as your partner's needs. And that in a healthy relationship, you both learn how to care for yourselves and one another. It is not your responsibility to fix your fiance. It is not your responsibility to take on their feelings or their trauma or their emotions. That's their inner work to do. It's your job to support them through that, to be loving, but you cannot fix it, and you cannot take on somebody else's feelings.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:19]:
Trust me. I have tried my entire life to fix Everybody around me, I can see so clearly sometimes the things that other people are in denial of. It's often much easier for us to see the things that other people are denying than what we're denying. It just doesn't work that way. Oftentimes, when I try to fix a situation or take somebody else's feelings or I change myself so that somebody else won't get upset. I either anger them by trying to control and manage them, or I anger and Set myself by playing small and not showing up as my true authentic self, and my true authentic self deserves to be seen. And every time I dim my shine to make somebody else feel better or to try and manage their feelings or to take on their feelings, I'm doing myself a disservice, and that's where we come back to the 2 beliefs you feel torn between. That in that Moment when I dim my own shine for somebody else, I'm not being all loving and unconditionally loving like I think I'm being.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:19]:
I'm actually playing out a belief That maybe if I allowed this person all their feelings, they would leave me. Or if I can't fix this situation, then this relationship won't last, and what does that mean about me? Oftentimes, we're in denial. We're trying to protect a belief about ourselves or the world. As I talked about in that example at the beginning, We build these defenses around us to protect ourselves from the core beliefs. And many of us try to fix people and fix their feelings because if we can't, It triggers a belief we've created about ourselves. If I can't fix this, these people will leave me. If this person has all their feelings, I'm unsafe. If I can't feel this, then I'm unworthy.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:00]:
You have to begin to look at what beliefs about yourself are being triggered here in your relationship. So I'm gonna give an example from my own life to see if this is helpful in illustrating what I'm trying to describe here. So in my own life, there was somebody in my life who was much younger than me, and they were going through a hard time. And so they weren't treating me great, but I Decided that they needed me. Okay? Red flag number 1. But I decided that they needed me and that it was my responsibility to Help them through this tough time. That's what I do for a living. I help people through tough times.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:38]:
But throughout this particular relationship, the person began to take advantage of They were lying to me. They took advantage of me. They were dishonest. And I kept ignoring these red flags because I kept being like, well, this person's going through a hard Time or this person's so young. They don't know any better. This person was disrespecting me. They weren't taking responsibility, but occasionally, they would say something nice to me. But they were taking advantage of my kindness over and over and over again, and they were only thinking about themselves.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:08]:
And this situation was really tough because when I met this person, they were so kind and loving, and I could see this person's potential. Alright? She was much younger than me, and the truth with that is that I saw myself in her, another red flag, that I wanted to fix Sir, I wanted to help her through this. I wanted her to reach all these goals she had told me about. She had kind of really talked me up, so I felt like, Oh my gosh. I can help this person. And I think my ego got in the way there. Right? It took some time away from the situation to realize that this person Had the potential to be really kind, and this person maybe really did admire me. And there were days that where me and this person got along really well.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:49]:
Right? There were days where we got along really well, but there were more days that this person lied to me. There were more days that my kindness was taken advantage of. There were more days that this person disrespected me and took zero responsibility for themselves and their actions. And, yes, this person may have been going through a tough time, but the truth is we're all going through a tough time. Look out in the world. Look at the news. It is not easy to be on planet Earth right now. And the truth is I was going through a tough time when I knew this person and when this person was in my life, and they never once asked me how I was doing.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:25]:
It was always all about them, and I kept excusing this person's age and all these things, all these factors. I kept making excuses for them. Excuses, which we'll talk about in the next question, are a sign you're in denial. But when I took a break from this person, I realized that I was repeatedly putting them before myself. And if I was to finally put myself first, I wouldn't have this person in my life because they weren't benefiting me. They weren't lifting me up. They weren't supporting me. They weren't growing or learning with me.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:59]:
They were taking advantage of me, and this was such a hard lesson for me to learn. And I felt like, oh my god. How is this happening again? And I have done this pattern so many times. But in this moment, I was able to see my own growth that I was finally ready to put myself first. I was finally ready to see all these red flags and to stop making excuses for them That even though they were really kind and even though some days were good, more days weren't good. More days I was taken advantage of. And their constant lack of disrespect and painful behavior and selfishness was too much for me. Do I wish this person all the best? You betcha.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:48]:
Have I forgiven this person? You betcha. Do I know this person is more than their mistakes? Hell, yeah. This person is, I'm sure, a great friend in other relationships. I don't know. This person's also a lot younger than me. This person has so much time to grow. It doesn't mean I have to be there for that growth. I don't have to be there for the growing pains if they're too painful for me, if I'm not allowed to put myself first in that relationship.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:15]:
Relationships are a give and take, But let's go back to the marble analogy. This person never put any marbles in my marble jar. We met. They gave me a lot of compliments, and they never restocked to up that marble jar. I just gave away my trust too easily because this person was younger than me, and I could see myself in them. But I was in denial that this person wasn't me, and this person wasn't changing. And this person was there to teach me a few hard lessons, And I really do wish that person all the best, and I mentioned that because you felt torn. And I received both those messages in my heart.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:52]:
I could forgive this person, and I also knew I deserved better. I knew this person was more than their mistakes, and they have the ability to change. But I can't trust that person, and I don't need to keep them in my life. So in your situation, I don't know if you should stay or go, But I do think you need to be clear and honest with yourself and to know that the thought that you deserve better is likely your heart because you do deserve better. It doesn't mean your partner can't change. You just may need to have a different conversation. You may need to show up in a new way where you know you deserve better. So where you're able to set new boundaries or where you're able to stand up for yourself in a new way because you know you are worthy and enough, which you are.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:38]:
And so when you begin to show up in your relationship in a new way, your partner will have to either show up in a new way or the relationship will end. But you working on these beliefs you have about yourself will be a helpful step in your healing journey, which leads me into my advice. So what are your action steps? So what can you do to work on this? So I want you to spend time with both these messages you are receiving and asking yourself if you think one is more loving than the other. Because to me, they are both loving messages, so I'm curious why you labeled the second one as not being as loving. The I can deserve better, I cannot trust her, is actually still loving message to me. Like I've mentioned many times throughout this answer, there are many people in my life that I've learned I cannot trust, and it's It's a very loving act on my part to know who I can and cannot trust and to know that trust is built over small actions over time. So sometimes I reopen the door for some of these people to see, can we rebuild that trust? And sometimes it's like, wow. We've both grown so much.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:41]:
Awesome. And sometimes it's like, Nope. This is very untrustworthy. Red flag. Red flag. Red flag. And I know that very quickly. I go in at a starting base, It's right at stair 1, and we can build up together.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:55]:
Or if it never goes past that first level, it's like, nope. This This relationship's not working for me, and that's okay. It's really okay for not everybody to stay in your life. So you can do this by journaling. I invite you to be really Conscious and journal about both of these answers maybe for a week, like, every day for 7 days, and just see what comes up after hearing this Answer to this question and this conversation about denial. I also invite you to journal about denial and how you feel about denial. Has this answer brought up anything for you? Can you see denial at any other points in your life? Becoming aware of how denial may be playing a role in your life. I also invite you to connect with your inner child.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:35]:
If you are in denial, your inner child may have something to do with it. I think that the inner child is The one often protecting those core beliefs are the ones who have created the defenses. So it's connecting with that inner child and peeling back the defenses You've built around yourself 1 by 1 and reassuring that inner child that you are safe now and that you are ready to look at some hard truths. I often get in meditations and in dreams my inner child holding keys, and it takes me parenting, reassuring, and loving that child other than showing them safety that they're able to give me the key. It's always so metaphorical, but they give me a key that's able to unlock a hard truth in my life. I also invite you to seek help through this. Denial is not easy to see in ourselves. It's so much easier to see in other people.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:24]:
So 1 on 1 sessions, I I offer 1 on 1 sessions, but you could do 1 on 1 sessions. You could find a therapist. I also am offering support groups now. So you could see on my website at nuviaadvice.com/ Support group, if there's any support groups that fit your situation. And my last piece of advice is to really be kind to yourself. It's not easy to look at denial. It's not easy to look at The lies we're telling ourselves, it's not easy to honestly admit to ourselves that we have been dishonest with ourselves. It's humbling.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:53]:
It's a very humbling journey. A lot of times, we can become a bit arrogant on the healing journey, and that arrogance is often a sign that we are protecting lies about ourselves in the world. Because the more we heal, the more we realize life is ever unfolding. It's like a rose, and it's just folding over and over and over again, and we're constantly being reborn. So I share that because I think it's important for you to be kind to yourself throughout this process. Offer yourself compassion. It's not easy. It's why nobody does it.
Amanda Durocher [00:27:27]:
It's why so many people continue to be in denial because it's really hard to do the work that you're doing. So I honor you, and I thank you for the work you're doing. I know it sounds super cheesy, but I really believe that everybody who heals has a greater impact than they realize. Everyone who peels back the layers and connects with their own heart is doing the work that has the ability to change this planet. Because I believe that the more we heal the division within ourselves, The more we heal the war within us, the more we can have an impact on the world and show up and be of service. I am only able to be here and to share my knowledge and my wisdom with you because I have done the work, and I continue to do the work. I'm continually humbled that the healing journey is a journey. It's not a destination. So thank you so much for this question. I hope something was helpful. I'm sending you so much love.
Amanda Durocher [00:28:18]:
Question 2
My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. I went on a trip with my sister, and upon returning, I found out he was sexting with another woman. I'm trying to work on myself and the relationship because I know it's been pretty rocky since we started. However, I find myself making excuses for him, How it was a onetime thing, he cut off the conversation with her, and he didn't have any emotional connection with her. I feel really sad and hurt by his action. What can I do to cope with this?
Thank you so much for this question. I'm so sorry for the current situation you are navigating. Of course, you feel hurt and sad. Your husband's actions were hurtful, so I just honor all the feelings you are feeling throughout this Difficult time. So I wanna start this question with discussing how you mentioned that you notice yourself making excuses for him. So I think feeling like you're making excuses is a sign of denial. So these excuses are a way for you to deny your feelings, your situation, beliefs, whatever it may be. But excuses are ways we convince ourselves to stay in denial and not look at the truth.
Amanda Durocher [00:29:31]:
It feels like an excuse because there's more here. These statements could be totally true for you, but since they feel like excuses to you, that tells me that it's not the whole truth for you. Because the truth is these statements could just feel neutral for you or for somebody else. The understanding of it was a onetime thing, and he didn't have an emotional connection. And for somebody else, those wouldn't feel like excuses. They would just feel like neutral statements, like the truth. But for you, because they feel like excuses, since Since you use this word excuses, to me, that's a sign of denial. So I think you need to start being honest with yourself because I think you are keeping yourself from fully Processing this experience by not being fully honest with yourself.
Amanda Durocher [00:30:12]:
So my advice for you is to look at these 3 things you said Shan. One, it was only a one time thing. 2, he cut off the conversation with her. And 3, he didn't have any emotional connection with her. All of these statements can be true and still hurt you. Your hurt makes total sense. You likely had safety within this relationship that feels more rocky now, and you likely trusted him, your husband, and will have to rebuild this trust. You are processing something really difficult.
Amanda Durocher [00:30:39]:
I want you to honor that. I think every time you make these excuses, you're trying to numb your own pain. Right? You said, how do I cope with this? I think these excuses are a way for you to cope with it, but what you're finding is it's not changing the situation. It's not, quote, unquote, fixing the problem. Because what I think you need to do here is begin to look at what beliefs about your relationship were triggered by this experience, what beliefs about yourself were triggered. I think these excuses you mentioned are likely ways you're trying to justify his actions, which is fine. Like I said, all those things can be true, but you also have to allow yourself the other half of those beliefs. And what I mean by this is if those feel like Excuses, and my guess is how you really feel but are denying yourself is something like the following.
Amanda Durocher [00:31:24]:
It was a one time thing, but am I sure it was only one time? He cut off the conversation with her, but was that because he got what he wanted and it could happen again? He didn't have an emotional connection with her, so why am I still so hurt by this? Since you wrote in this question, I know you've listened to my podcast before, and my answer is not that you should leave your relationship. I don't know what is best for you and your situation, only you do. But what I do know is that it is incredibly important for you to honor all of this experience. One reason we can lean into denial is because it can be really hard for us to admit that 2 seemingly opposite things can be true at the same time. For example, our relationship was Rocky, and I know I could be a better partner, but I didn't deserve this, and I'm really hurt. Both those can be true at the same time. Healing from infidelity requires rebuilding your relationship. Something broke when you found out about the sex stay, and it's going to take time to repair that.
Amanda Durocher [00:32:15]:
Honor it. You don't have to fast forward through this. I think the excuses are probably you trying to fast forward through some healing. You're trying to put Band Aids on this, and the truth is something broke. That's okay. You know? I think moments throughout relationships all the time break a false belief. Right? That which was broken was a false sense of safety or a false belief because it wasn't true. Right? Your husband was unfaithful.
Amanda Durocher [00:32:41]:
Maybe you ought to believe he'd never be unfaithful, and that's the belief that broke. And by rebuilding your relationship, you both can take more responsibility, ownership, and show up in new and supportive ways, but that requires you both fully honoring the experience and allowing each other to Maybe be honest in a way you haven't been for a long time. Maybe in your relationship, you struggle to have tough conversations with your husband, and maybe this is an opportunity for you both to get really Honest and stop denying that there are things you both need to look at. I think that when we're healing, a lot of the inner work is internal. I think a lot of the work is done solo, and a lot of the work has to be done with ourselves. And then I also think when we're in partnerships, a lot of the work has to be done together. Right? There's a balance. I They see it as the infinity symbol.
Amanda Durocher [00:33:27]:
And, you know, we do our own inner healing, and then we can show up in a relationship in a new way, and we can do healing in that way too. Learning to use your voice is really important. Learning to speak up for yourself is really important. Learning to have tough conversations is really important. I don't know much about your relationship from this question, but I think that why it feels like Excuses to you and what you are in denial of is that there is more here that needs to be looked at than you may have originally admitted to yourself. When it comes to denial, one of the most important things we can do is to learn to be honest with ourselves. Honest about your relationship, honest about how you feel, about yourself and your partner and understanding that some of these truths may seem to contradict one another, but they are still truths. As I mentioned, when it comes to denial, oftentimes, it's because there's 2 seemingly opposite truths that are existing at the same time.
Amanda Durocher [00:34:18]:
We saw that in the previous question. The listener felt really torn between 2 beliefs, And I think that both those beliefs can exist at the same time. And I think that's true for you that everything you said is true. Those statements that feel like excuses to you are likely true, and there's another truth that you're currently denying as well. The healing journey is so personal because the answers to these questions I'm asking are going to be different for everybody. And so I think it's really important for you to begin to suss out what's really happening here and why those Three statements feel like excuses. Maybe taking them 1 by 1 or maybe there's 1 belief that you know in your heart, but you push away. So that feeling of not being enough or not lovable or not worthy, those are some of those deep core beliefs that we often push away.
Amanda Durocher [00:35:07]:
We're aware we feel those, and we have those within us, but we push them away because they're so painful if we actually allow ourselves to feel them. So oftentimes, they kinda live in the mind like, oh, yeah. I know. But and so healing from denial is coming home to yourself. It's coming into or body, and it's allowing yourself the full experience here of what has happened in your relationship. I hope that makes sense. I invite you to offer yourself self care. Like I said, it sounds like you're trying to fast forward through this experience, and self care is gonna help slow you down.
Amanda Durocher [00:35:38]:
It's gonna help you to be present with yourself. Solved. So self care is really giving yourself what you need in every moment, and it's an act of slowing down very often. So your self care could Could be allowing yourself your feelings. Your self care could be taking a bath. Your self care could be journaling, meditating, taking time for yourself, having a tough conversation. But self care is so important because it's giving ourselves what we need. It often requires slowing down, and it requires us to be honest with ourselves.
Amanda Durocher [00:36:04]:
When we're healing from denial, a long term pattern for many of us, we wanna practice acts of honesty with ourselves. So figuring out what you need is learning to be honest with yourself and also giving yourself what you need. So many of us know what we need, but we push it to the side over and over and over again. You know, I know that can be me in my writing. I'm a writer at heart. It's probably my first love in this life, and I don't do it all the time. I push it to the side. I put other things first.
Amanda Durocher [00:36:34]:
And the truth is I am a better person when I show up and write in the mornings. I am more in the flow. I am more loving towards myself and others. It shifts my whole energy, but I still will deny myself that. Why? Because I've created beliefs about my writing. My writing is for me in a lot of ways, so I push it to the side and I put other things first that that affect other people and have impacts on my business or my relationship and things like that. So for me, so often, my active self care is prioritizing that writing in the morning even if it doesn't make sense to everyone else. And that's part of self care too is that you learn to do what's best for you no matter what it is and not affected by what other people think of that decision.
Amanda Durocher [00:37:19]:
And so as you give yourself self care, I invite you to continue to also be honest with yourself. I invite you to really journal about this concept of denial, anything you may be denying in your relationship, anything you've denied throughout your life, and beginning to See the patterns of denial possibly throughout your life. I also invite you to journal about these 3 excuses you mentioned that we've talked about throughout the episode and to Really begin to ask yourself why they feel like excuses rather than neutral statements, rather than statements that don't feel like Excuses. You know what I mean? Like, I really feel like you're denying the other half of it. So, like, this is true, but this is also true. So I invite you to really become honest with yourself throughout journaling. As I mentioned in the previous question, I also think that denial is something that's It's really hard to catch in ourselves. So I think this is a great conversation to have, but it can also be a confusing conversation because it can be so hard to see what we're denying because we've been Oftentimes, telling ourselves half truths or lies for a very long time in order to protect ourselves and to create a sense of safety.
Amanda Durocher [00:38:22]:
So having an environment to talk about this situation could be helpful for you. So that could be through therapy, 1 on 1 sessions, or as I mentioned, I have some support groups, So you can check my website at newviaadvice.com/supportgroup to see if there's one that fits your situation because I think that through support groups, We also see ourselves in other people's situations, and we're able to see that denial a bit more because sometimes we're in denial because we're afraid of being alone or being the only one to ever feel a certain way. And I think healing in community is so important and why I find this podcast really healing is that It's so important to know we're not alone. And when we can see we're not alone, we're often able to see situations more clearly. That loneliness And that feeling of being alone or being the only one to ever feel a certain way keeps us stuck. It keeps us hidden and oftentimes hidden in shame. And so healing and community can be so helpful because though all our experiences are unique, there is so much universal about So many of these experiences we have, the feelings that arise, the beliefs that arise is so universal. So I think that healing and community can be really important and helpful for the healing journey.
Amanda Durocher [00:39:29]:
And I just invite you to be kind to yourself. Be really, really gentle with yourself. That'll help you to go slower. Sometimes we move really fast when things are painful because we're just trying to get through it. But a lot of times with inner pain, we can't just Get through it like we can with a situation that's external. With inner pain, we really have to learn to slow down, to be with ourselves, and to honor ourselves because oftentimes, the pain that's triggered today can connect back to the past. It can connect back to past beliefs as we've talked about today. And I think when it comes to denial, it very often is created because we're trying to deny something that's incredibly painful and often rooted in childhood or a past experience variance, or trauma.
Amanda Durocher [00:40:08]:
So please be kind to yourself. The more I do this work, the more I feel like being kind and compassionate to ourselves is the most important thing we can do in healing because the more kind we are to ourselves, the more safety we create within ourselves, and the more we're able to move through these painful experiences with more ease. It doesn't make it easy, but the judgments that live in our minds, the judgments we have against ourselves can be some of the most painful things we come up against. And so learning to be kind to yourself, learning to be your own best friend, learning to be your own inner mother, inner father is so much of the healing work. And, I just invite you to be kind to yourself. So thank you so much for this question. I hope something in this answer was helpful. I'm sending you so much love.
Amanda Durocher [00:40:53]:
Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of NewView Advice. As always, I am so grateful to be here with you and to be able to have these conversations each week. Thank you for joining me to talk about denial. I loved having this conversation. Denial is not something I usually get to talk about. So I hope you found this episode helpful, and I hope you learned something new. If you're looking for free resources to help heal from infidelity, you can check out my website at newvia advice.com. I have an infidelity hub with a bunch of different resources that I've made throughout the years that will help you with your healing journey from infidelity.
Amanda Durocher [00:41:23]:
And as always, thank you again for joining me for another episode of new vid advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you next
