105: Grief of a Break up: Feeling & Navigating the Break Up Grieving Process
Why is it that our head understands that a relationship is over but our heart still struggles to let it go? In this episode, I answer a question from a listener moving through the break up grieving process. I talk about the grief we feel at the end of a relationship and how so often the grief stage lasts longer than we expect it to. I offer a new view on healing from a broken heart and why this process will take as long as it’s going to take, and that there is nothing wrong with that. My intention is to assist you in feeling less alone, letting go of judgement around your situation, and offering you a few tools to help you grieve the end of your relationship.
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Timestamps ⏱️
Introduction: 0:15
Question: 1:24
Outro: 17:36
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started. Hey beautiful soul. Welcome back to new view advice. My name is Amanda Durocher. And if you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers you seek.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:25]:
I believe that you have all the answers. You just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you so much for joining me for today's episode. Today, we are talking about the grief we feel at the end of a relationship and how so often the grief stage lasts longer than we expect and longer than we want it to. Why is it that our head understands that a relationship is over, but our heart struggles to let it go? In this episode, I offer a new view on healing from a broken heart and why this process will take as long as it's going to take and that there is nothing wrong with that. My intention is to assist you in feeling less alone, letting go of any self judgment you may be carrying, and offer you a few tools to help you grieve the end of your relationship. Before we jump in, I always like to mention that if you haven't already, I invite you to check out my website after the episode for more free resources. I have a healing from heartbreak hub but lots of resources for people who are healing from a broken heart and you can check that out at noviaadvice.com/105.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:17]:
Let's jump on in. I recently went through a breakup, and it affected me really deeply. It was a healthy relationship and a healthy breakup, but I find myself feeling really lost, empty, and confused. I'm not sure how to get over my ex, and I know that I need to grieve, and I have grieved. It's been 3 months, and I've grieved so much, and I'm moving towards acceptance. But I have to consistently tell myself that, like, oh, it's over and whatnot. But my emotions haven't reflected the thoughts in my head. Like, I've accepted, hey, it's over.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:50]:
It is what it is. Like, move on. But my heart is just like, how do I let her go? Because she was such an amazing person. She's the one who initiated the breakup and I wouldn't have broken up. So I guess it's hard for me to move on from her, but overall I just wanna know how to in a healthy manner. Thank you. Thank you so much for this question. I am so sorry that you're feeling so lost, empty, and confused after your breakup.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:12]:
I think that these are very common feelings after breakups and when feeling grief in general. But I do wanna mention that just because they're common, it doesn't make them any easier to feel. So I always like to let you know that you're not alone, but again I do honor that it that doesn't make it easy to feel lost and confused. Those are feelings I feel quite often and they're not easy, so I just wanna honor that. So first I want to say that the process of grief, grieving this relationship, is going to take as long as it's going to take. Your head, it sounds like, is trying to rush the process but your heart and the feelings that arise are the truth of the process. So if you still have hard feelings arising, it means that there's still more feelings to be processed. I have been processing some grief in my own life recently and I have been humbled again.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:05]:
I'm always humbled on this journey. But I've been humbled by how much pain can be carried in the heart and how difficult it is to feel. It's so painful to sit with our grief, to sit in our sadness, our fears, and our heartbreak. So I just wanna honor anybody out there who currently is navigating a broken heart. It is incredibly painful and it saddens me that we live in a world that doesn't quite honor heartbreak. You know, I think because it's one of those wounds you can't see externally, we pretend it's not there. But when we experience heartbreak, it is so painful. And when we allow ourselves to move through the grieving process.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:45]:
Right? So for you, you asked how can you move through the grieving process in a healthy manner? Allow yourself to feel your feelings. The more you allow yourself to feel it now, the less you'll carry with you. Because that's what I'm finding is that I still have to feel the grief from past relationships. You know, recently for me what came up was the time I lost my virginity in high school. I guess we're going there today. But I share that because I carried that around for, like, 15 over 15 years. The grief of that experience and how heartbreaking it was because I wasn't able to process it at the time and I was just able to process it recently. But I believe that when we have a broken heart, we can either close our hearts or we can allow it to break open and become bigger.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:33]:
Because the more we feel the heartbreak, the more compassion and love we allow in. I view it as we either try to fix a broken heart by shielding it up and putting on a band aid or we allow it to just break open and we allow light to pour in and we allow it to rearrange us. You know, the more I feel grief, the more I feel that grief unravels us. It unravels the lies we told ourselves. It unravels the stories we were playing out that no longer serve us. And by feeling those hard feelings such as sadness or feeling loss or whatever feelings are arising for you right now, maybe anger, by allowing ourselves to feel those, we open ourselves up to love and we see the world in a new way. Right? The more heartbreak I feel, the more compassion I have for others, because I don't think any of us get out of the human journey without experiencing heartbreak. And I see so many people in my life who have experienced heartbreak and never processed it, and how they carry that around and how they guard their hearts because of that, myself included.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:39]:
Like I said, I'm still processing past wounding. If you're a long time listener, you know that about me. I have been allowing my heart to break open for years now and it's always humbling how painful it is. And I've also been grieving present day circumstances. A lot of the work I do is past but I'm also grieving the chapter I was in in order to make room for a new chapter in order to be the version of myself who wants to come forward who's a little bit more outspoken. So I have to kinda lay to rest Amanda the people pleaser. And it breaks my heart time and time again to see how I made myself small in certain relationships in order to feel safe. And now that I'm embodying that inner safety in a whole new way because of the journey I went on, my heart is breaking because of the choices I've made along the way and people I've hurt along the way in order to get to where I am.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:35]:
And I mention that because this grief is gonna be there as long as it's gonna be there. Because it like I said, it's unraveling you. I really believe grief unravels us. Grief of heartbreak in relationships and death grief. I talk about that in my episodes about grieving the loss of loved ones through death, and it unravels us. It unravels those lies. It unravels the words and the stories we told ourselves in order to make room for a new us, who has more capacity for love, and who learns from the heartbreak rather than closes off to the world from the heartbreak. So I mention all that because wherever you are is okay.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:14]:
And in order to move through in a healthy manner, you just want to allow yourself this experience without judging it. And this is where that self compassion comes in. When we are healing from a broken heart, be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Your heart is broken. Oh my god. Do you deserve love and affection and kindness? When our hearts are broken, it's painful. I just can't stress that enough.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:41]:
That it's okay to be in pain and also to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to come out of that pain. Right? You know, one way that I like to process grief is through through music, through listening to people who write lyrics that embody the feelings I'm feeling. It helps to move the feelings. And I find when we're grieving relationships it's all about surrendering to the feeling rather than attaching to it. So just allowing yourself to feel that feeling in whichever way is best for you. You know, Taylor Swift. You can have whatever opinion you want about her, but that woman knows how to write about heartbreak. And so I invite you to throw a t Swift song on.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:23]:
Her most recent album, a past album, whatever it is. But I have found that that woman knows what it feels like to have a broken heart. She articulates it really well through her music and I think that's why so many people resonate. She helps people feel their feelings. That's pretty cool. But again, if you're not a T Swift fan, love is the topic of music and Heartbreak, those songs exist. I also have a Heartbreak hub on my website where I have a playlist of music that I will link in the show notes to assist you as well if you find that music could help you through this time. And so I mentioned compassion here because it sounds like you may be judging yourself.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:59]:
Right? You're judging your process by being like, my head says she's gone but my heart is having trouble letting her go. It sounds like you're conflicted between the head and the heart. Very common. I think we all battle that throughout our days. But when healing from heartbreak, it's the heart, as I mentioned, that you want to connect to and allow forward. The mind is gonna fight you because the mind doesn't wanna experience pain. It doesn't wanna keep breathing this. It wants to let go, but the heart will let you know when it's actually time to let go and when you're fully ready and when you've been fully unraveled through this experience.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:34]:
That's what grief does for us. It allows us to be transformed through the process of feeling grief. And when we don't allow ourselves to fully move through it, oftentimes the same patterns come back later. The same lesson because our heart still wants us to learn that lesson. There's nothing wrong with learning lessons. Life's a journey, not a destination. And so grief is a part of that journey, and I just find that the more we lean into it and we allow it, the easier the process becomes. Not easy, just easier.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:04]:
You know, recently as I mentioned, I've been feeling grief and I usually just spend my mornings crying. It's painful. I don't like it. But the more I just allow the space for it, the easier it becomes. Instead of it being a day of grieving, it's an hour. I allow the feelings up. I allow the feelings up much easier than I used to because I've done this for so long. So it's also a practice allowing yourself to feel your feelings.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:28]:
So many people do not feel their feelings. I was talking to somebody just the other day. It was like, I can't believe I'm crying to you. I never cry. And I'm like, you're welcome. That's my gift. I I trigger people's feelings. But I only say that because so many people don't allow themselves to feel their feelings.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:41]:
And so as you navigate this heartbreak, I invite you to continue to feel those feelings and maybe find new ways to feel them those feelings. So as I mentioned, music's a great way. Connecting with nature. Slowing down. If we are moving too fast, we are often avoiding the present moment, and in the present moment, a lot of times there's a hard feeling that wants to be felt. So so many people move so fast that they never feel their feelings. Like people with endless to do lists, I always just wanna say slow down. What are you avoiding? Because life isn't a to do list.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:12]:
Life is in the present, and when we're running from the present, it's often that we're running from a difficult feeling. So if you find that's you, I invite you to slow down, be in nature, go to a park, go to the beach, find time to be outside. So getting out in nature can help you feel your feelings. Meditation, journaling, exercise. You know? I find that when I strength train, a lot of times it grounds me into the present moment, and then a feeling I've been avoiding will come to the present. Dancing is a great way to move some of this grief. I love throwing on music and dancing through my sadness. But finding different ways to feel your feelings is really and then practicing that compassion, allowing those feelings up, not judging them, being like this is where I am.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:59]:
I guess I'm still grieving. You know? I have an episode with breakup coach Dorothy that I'll link in the show notes as well, but she talks about grief bubbles. So sometimes grief comes in waves. Right? And so sometimes a bubble of grief will just come up that we haven't moved through, and that's okay. You know, as I mentioned, I'm processing past grief. That's like a grief bubble. It's grief that just needs to come up, be witnessed, and then we're able to let it go. So again, this process is just gonna take as long as it's it's going to take and maybe down the line there'll be more that wants to come up.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:32]:
There's no rush. When we're saying to ourselves, why am I not over this? It's because we're trying to rush through the process. What if we were to view it more as a journey and each moment was just a step on your path forward? I think that's why it can be to set an intention. So maybe your intention is that you no longer want to think about this person or that you wanna find new love or maybe your intention is that you want to feel at peace, you wanna feel joyful, you want to feel like you can be friends with this person. Whatever that is, that intention can help you to continue to take steps towards that intention and not judge the process so much. But I also invite you if you set an intention, there's no race to that intention. Right? You know, oftentimes when we meet the intention, then we set a new intention. It's just another stepping stone on our path of life and of love.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:19]:
And so as these feelings arise, as you continue to grieve, I put down a couple questions that I thought you could use as guiding quotes or reflect on that you may find helpful or somebody else may find helpful when moving through this journey if you're feeling stuck. So here are some questions you could reflect on. What beliefs are triggered about yourself through this grieving process? Do you feel rejected, abandoned, not enough, unworthy? What stories are you telling yourself about this past relationship? Are you putting this person on a pedestal? Do you view them as better than you? Reflect on the dynamic between you and this person you are no longer with. Did you think your past partner was the one? Were you shocked by this instance? Oftentimes shock leaves an effect on the nervous and can take a bit of time to process. Did this person say they'd always be there for you and now they're not? How does that make you feel? And what stories are you playing out? Do you find yourself living in fantasies or in conversations you wish you could have? Many times the stories we tell ourselves are not true, but there can be a truth to be pulled from the story. Such as if you feel abandoned by this person, it doesn't mean that she really abandoned you, but the feelings of being abandoned are real for you. For example, in my life, I was grieving a relationship recently and I felt rejected. I felt like this person rejected me.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:39]:
But the truth is they didn't reject me. They didn't actually even really know me. But as I sat with my heart, I saw that this experience was similar to a rejection I experienced in high school or I felt I experienced. So that rejection wanted to be witnessed. It wanted to be felt. It wanted to be looked at. And this present situation triggered that past rejection and allowed me to move through that and heal that wound within my heart. So those are some questions to just assist you if you're feeling stuck, but I really think the steps here are to be kind to yourself, to remember that there is no rush.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:11]:
This is a journey, not a destination, and this process is gonna take as long as it's going to take. It's to feel your feelings and to continue to listen to your heart and the messages it's communicating with you. Your heart, like I said, is unraveling from a situation that is no longer true and through that you're gonna learn about yourself and learn about the world and learn about love and be patient with yourself. There's no rush to this process. And again I honor this process you're in because it is painful and it can be really distracting and we can wanna rush through it because nobody wants to sit with pain But it's a journey and it's a journey back to love of self and that's beautiful. Because so oftentimes we can lose ourselves in relationships and that might not be true for you but I bet it's true for somebody that in the situation they're currently healing from they kind of lost a part of themselves or they lost their authentic self somewhere along the way. You know? I think that happens so often in relationships and through grieving we're able to see ourselves clearly again and regain parts of ourselves that sometimes we abandoned along the way. And before I wrap up I just want to say that it's really courageous to put your heart out there, to heal from heartbreak, to allow yourself to feel these feelings.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:17]:
It is courageous. It is brave. As I mentioned, so many people close off and shut down when they experience heartache, and then they carry that heartache. Allowing yourself to feel it is really humbling but also really liberating. And so I just wanna honor this path that you are on. You are beautiful soul. You deserve love and happiness. And by allowing yourself to feel this grief, you will allow yourself to be rewritten.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:42]:
That's how I've been viewing it in my own life is that when we feel our grief, we're rewritten on the inside and we embody more of that self love because we learn that our feelings are information. They are not there to hurt us. They are teaching us about the human experience, and that is such a beautiful gift. So I know it's painful, but this grief is in a way a gift, and I honor the path you're on because I too know what it's like to learn from the human experience and it's challenging at times. So I honor that but you are brave, you are courageous, you are very lovable, You're enough. You're worthy. You're all the beautiful things that you came here to be. So thank you so much for this question.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:24]:
I am sending you so much love as you continue to heal from this heartbreak. This too shall pass. Thank you for this question. Thanks for joining me for another episode of New View Advice and for joining me for this conversation about heartbreak. If you haven't already, I invite you to leave a rating and review for the podcast. Ratings and reviews help to bring more people to the podcast and for me to continue having these conversations with all of you beautiful souls every week. So if you haven't already, I invite you to leave a 5 star rating and a review on either the podcast or the episode. Thanks again for joining me for another episode of New View Advice. I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you next time.
