63: Cheating in Relationships & Hard Feelings: Learning to Process Guilt & How to Handle Conflict After Infidelity

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May 17

Healing from infidelity involves learning how to process hard feelings. This is true for people who have cheated and been cheated on in a relationship. In today’s episode, I answer a question from someone who is processing guilt after cheating in a relationship and another question from someone looking for advice on how to handle conflict after infidelity.

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Amanda Durocher 0:01
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host Amanda Durocher and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started. Hey, beautiful souls. My name is Amanda and this is New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers you seek. I believe you have all the answers, you just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you for joining me for another episode of New View Advice. Today we will be talking about infidelity and specifically healing hard feelings after infidelity. So today we'll be discussing a question from a listener who is having a lot of guilt after cheating on their partner. And a second question from a listener who is looking for advice on how to handle conflict after infidelity because they're feeling a lot of hurt feelings and are looking for advice on how to move through conflict in a healthy way. So today we'll be discussing both sides of the situation when cheating occurs, we'll be answering a question from somebody who cheated in a relationship. And I'll be answering another question from somebody who was cheated on. I think that when we are healing from infidelity, everybody in this situation has to learn how to process hard feelings. I think that most people spend their entire lives trying to avoid really difficult feelings. And experiencing infidelity is one of those experiences that all those hard feelings arise and we can often no longer shove them down because they're right on the surface. And so learning how to process difficult feelings, feel our feelings and connect back to ourselves in order to see what these feelings are communicating, and to see why we feel them. And if there are patterns with the feelings we're feeling is a really important step along the healing journey. If you're new here, this is not the first time I've covered infidelity. I've covered infidelity multiple times, I find infidelity to be the most popular question I receive. So I definitely try to answer this topic about once a month because I think that so many people are struggling with healing from infidelity. And I think it's a really important conversation for us to have. I know that a lot of my one on one clients that I'm working with right now are in the process of healing from infidelity. So I have just found that this process is so complicated. And I think as a society, so many people don't understand infidelity. So I hope that throughout these episodes, we've all continued to dive deeper into infidelity, why it happens and how it doesn't make you a bad person if you've cheated. It doesn't make you a bad person. If you were cheated on it's not so simple as good versus bad. Victim Victor, it's not a simple situation. It's often very complex. And every situation is different. So some relationships last after infidelity, some relationships end, but it's a very individual process. And as a society, I think we've really put a lot of shame on this topic. So I love continuing to have this conversation here on the podcast because I think it's really important for us to continue to discuss. So if you're new here, I do have many episodes, as I mentioned and a few episodes, I would advise that you start with our episode 22 Cheating in relationships, advice, healing from cheating and being cheated on episode 51 how to heal from infidelity with Andrea Giles. That was an interview I did with Andrew Giles, who is an infidelity coach. And I think that that was a really great conversation, where we're both answering listener questions and diving deeper into the process of healing infidelity, because what healing infidelity really comes down to is a healing of the relationship or an ending of the relationship and a healing of self. So it's really so much more than this one instance, there's a lot to be learned throughout this experience. Two of my other favorite episodes I would recommend you start with if you're new here would be episode 29 how to heal from being cheated on in relationships and episode 31 quote, unquote, I cheated on my partner while drinking advice for healing. And I'm going to jump right into the questions today because as I mentioned, I've covered this topic many times before, you can scroll through the episodes and you'll see a lot of episodes on cheating and infidelity. But before I jump in, I did want to mention that I also have free journal prompts on my website to assist with healing from infidelity. And after this episode, you'll be able to find them on my website at New View. advice.com/ 63. So let's jump into talking about healing from the difficult feelings that arise throughout the process of healing from infidelity.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 4:27
I suddenly feel guilty about cheating. How do I move on from this? My partner knows about one of the incidents and we have drawn a line in the sand and work through it. But after therapy, I realized I also had an emotional affair. And I know that would devastate him and destroy our relationship completely. Thank you so much for this question. I want to say I'm so sorry that you're feeling so much guilt. I know how uncomfortable have a feeling guilt is and I find that when I feel guilty. I also tend to feel shame and also anxiety which are all uncomfortable emotions in the body. So I just want to are where you're at. And thank you for asking this question because I don't think you're alone. I think it's a very common feeling to feel guilty while healing from infidelity. I think specifically for the person who cheat didn't relationship that guilt is so common. And I just want to thank you because I think that this is a question that many people have. So thank you for asking it. The first part of your question that I wanted to address was how you said that through therapy, you realize you had an emotional affair. I think that's really interesting that it sounds like in the moment, you didn't realize you're having an emotional affair, or you weren't conscious of it, or you just were playing out a pattern. And you were living in that unconscious space. Because I've actually found that by working with one on one clients, that this isn't uncommon. I've actually talked about this scenario with other people, this experience of recognizing later that you had been playing out this pattern of infidelity, longer than you realized. Because it sounds like you had an incident. I don't know what this incident that you have discussed with your partner look like. But it was an incident that made you aware of this pattern, right, like stopped you in your tracks, you and your partner have begun healing and working through this experience of infidelity. But then as you're healing, you're beginning to peel back the layers. So I talked about how the healing journey is like peeling back the layers of an onion. So many times we want to be done, done, done, done done with healing. But we'll find that as we peel back the onion, a new layer arises. Or sometimes we have other wounds mixed in with this one experience. Right. So when you're healing from infidelity, you might also be healing from Father issues, Mother issues, past relationships. And as you peel back the onion, different layers of healing arise. And then you might come back to as you saw here, this pattern of infidelity, how it wasn't your first time actually cheating, I mentioned this because as hard as it can be to have these feelings of guilt arise. To me, it's actually a sign of healing. Because you're becoming connected with yourself, you're connecting back to yourself to see that you're playing out a pattern. So I know how difficult it is. But I really just want to honor you because to me, it sounds like you're healing by even allowing yourself to see this previous relationship, this emotional affair in this light. I think that so many people before the healing journey, are living on autopilot, they're living unconsciously. And many of us have a moment that brings us to the healing journey. And for so many people, it's infidelity. So a lot of people listening to this episode that might have been your moment of starting to look at these hard feelings are starting to look at your relationship patterns. They're starting to look at why this happened, why you cheated, or what happened in your relationship if you were cheated on, like how you got to this point. And I think that it's really, really difficult. And it can be a confusing process. And so I think that what you're experiencing is peeling back the layers, and now you're able to see this emotional affair you had previously. And so I think that this is common. And I know it's hard to feel the guilt right now. But as I said, I actually think it's a good sign, and that you're connecting back to yourself if you're able to see this past situation in a new light. So as I mentioned, I think that before this incident, you're probably living pretty unconsciously, which I think is really common. And what I mean by living unconsciously is that we're disconnected from our wise, we're disconnected from why we do the things we do. And when we begin to heal a big part of healing, especially at the beginning is to begin to become conscious and aware of why we do the things we do. And it sounds like you're beginning to see this pattern of looking outside of your relationship, and how you may have played out this pattern before. And so I think this new guilt is likely something you need to process. And I think it's arising because I think you've likely feel guilty for having this emotional affair, and for cheating on your partner. But I think you probably also feel guilt towards self self guilt sounds like how did I not realize I was cheating? How could I do that? How could I not see what I was doing? How was I unaware. And you're guilting yourself for an action you did in the past that you're unconscious of. And you could also be saying I'm so and fill in the blank with the words you may be calling yourself and continually guilting yourself. I think that as we're healing an important part of the healing journey is to become aware of the words we say to ourselves, and how we're talking to ourselves. Because we don't want to be our own biggest critic. And I think so many of us are our own biggest critic. And when we begin seeing some of the mistakes we've made in the past, it can be really easy to criticize ourselves with our current awareness. But what we want to do is we want to take that current awareness and be loving towards that past version of ourselves. So I'll give an example from my life this morning. I was in meditation, and I had this memory arise from middle school. And it was a time that I excluded a girl on purpose. I didn't really want to be friends with her anymore. And I didn't know how to communicate that so I excluded her. I told her I was busy but I was And I went and hung out with some girls, and she called me out on it, she called my house. And she was like, that was like really messed up, I hate you. And I felt so awful. And I had been carrying around that guilt I felt for 20 years. And it arose today, because the message in my meditation was to see how when we're unconscious, or we don't understand how to handle such certain situations, because we've never been taught, we can often handle them in an unhealthy way, or in a way with unintended consequences. And in that situation, to be honest, I wasn't really thinking about the other girl, I was just thinking about myself. But by only thinking of myself and what made me comfortable, I ended up hurting somebody. And I had been carrying around that guilt for 20 years. And I bring this up because this was a layer I came to in healing today. And I think that processing guilt is so important because we can carry that guilt, like how I carried that guilt about how I treated that girl in middle school for 20 years, because I know what it feels like to be excluded, because I know what I expect friends to act like. And I know how much that situation if it was reversed, would have hurt me. So instead of forgiving myself at the time, because I didn't know how to do that I just carried about all this guilt. And I have seen that guilt pop up in friendships for years now, because I continually carried around guilt, and I never wanted to unintentionally hurt somebody. So so often, I allowed myself to be hurt. So that's my pattern with guilt. But I invite you to begin exploring your relationship with guilt. And if this is the first time you felt guilty, or if this is a pattern you've been playing out for a really long time. And I also invite you to really look at this pattern of infidelity, really looking at what triggers you to look outside your relationship, because what's going to help you with that guilt is being aware of why you have looked outside your relationship for the love the comfort, the attention, whatever it may be of somebody outside your relationship, so somebody other than your partner, because so many times we feel guilty, because we don't understand why we did what we did. So we just keep punishing ourselves over and over again, oh my god, I'm so bad. Oh my god, I shouldn't have done that. But when we can bring that awareness and we can become aware of why we do the things we do, it has a power of freedom within it. Because like I mentioned with my experience this morning, in my meditation with the guilt I felt over this middle school experience, it was very long ago. So it's very easy for me to forgive at this point. But I had to bring the awareness, I had to see why I did it, I had to sit with it. And I had to forgive myself for not knowing better in that moment. And it can be easier when we do inner child work to forgive our much younger selves, because we can see clearly now, why we did the things we do then maybe an experience from a year or two ago. But I still invite you to bring that same level of love and compassion to that version of yourself from a year to five years ago. Because who you are today is different than who you are then. Because the second you step onto your healing journey, the second you start to become aware of the second you learn about why you do the things you do the second you start therapy, you have already changed, because so many of us are living unconsciously. And the second we start to bring consciousness and intention to our lives, we change that's a different version of ourselves than the one who was living unconscious. And that's just true. And it can be hard for us to accept, because we can see ourselves and judge ourselves. But I really invite you to bring that love and compassion for yourself as you're healing from this experience as you're seeing these layers. Because to me, I think you're doing great work to me, I think you're healing. And to me, I know that the healing journey is messy. The healing journey is not easy. There's a reason most people go about life, very unconsciously. There's a reason why most people don't do what you're doing. They don't look at why they do the things they do because it's so hard. And as I mentioned in the intro, so many people are trying to bury these difficult feelings. Bury this guilt. I know that's what I did. Like with that middle school example I buried that guilt. I carried it like a burden on my back. And that's what guilt can be. That's what shame can be. And that's why I want to help you to process this. And I think bringing this awareness is going to help you to process it, because you don't deserve to carry this burden for the rest of your life. So how do we process this guilt? Firstly, think you need to allow yourself to accept this information. I find guilt arises often with new realizations. It's a very common feeling to arise when we see something about ourselves that we may judge, and we may think is quote unquote, a bad thing we did. So part of processing the guilt will be integrating this information we'll be accepting that you did have an emotional affair, because a part of you was probably in denial about it or unaware of it or didn't even realize that's what you were doing at the time. So part of healing is accepting and integrating this new information. And then the next step would, I would invite you to become aware of this pattern you've been playing out and starting to look at and connect back to why this behavior started. When this behavior started. For many people, they don't just decide one day to go out and cheat. There's a route. And oftentimes people are unhappy in their relationships, or they're searching for something they feel like it's missing in their relationship, or they're playing out a childhood wound, or it's a trauma response. But when we are searching for something outside of us, it's often something we're searching for inside. So for example, if you cheat because you don't feel like your partner loves you enough, or gives you enough attention, I would ask you to ask yourself, how much you love yourself, how much attention do you give yourself, because oftentimes, we are looking outside of us for something to fill a hole within us. And that's not a literal hole, that's a figurative hole, it can feel like a hole if we feel unloved can feel like something's missing within us. And how we become whole again, is to find that love within is to heal the roots of that experience. So I think with a lot of relationship patterns, and a lot of relationship, trauma, and a lot of unhealthy relationship behaviors, it goes back to our childhood, it goes back to our relationships with our mother, it goes back to relationships with our father, it goes back to that first relationship we ever had, and how we were searching for something outside of us and how we're still searching for that thing outside of us. I hope that makes sense. Because oftentimes, when we search for external fixes, those are band aids for our inner wounds, and how we heal that inner wound, how we sew it up, and we allow it to fully heal, is to go within and to practice that self love. And I don't know why you cheated in your relationship, this is probably something you're discussing in therapy, because I know this is something I do with my one on one clients as well. And it's really beginning to look at the beliefs and why this situation happened. And it's so often goes back to a wound of not feeling good enough of not feeling loved feeling abandoned within your relationship or feeling out of control within your relationship. But there's so often a trigger. So that's another thing you can become aware of is if this is a pattern you've been playing out, it's becoming aware of the trigger, what happened to trigger a feeling or belief within that cause you to look outside your relationship. So what does this do with guilt. The reason this is important for processing your guilt is that by understanding the deep rooted beliefs and patterns you are playing out, the guilt will begin to dissipate, because your body heart in mind will know that you won't play out the same unconscious pattern again. So it's looking for you to bring awareness to yourself so you understand why you did what you did. And once you understand why you do what you do, you won't make the same mistake again. Or if you do, it'll be conscious this time, and it'll feel more like a choice, rather than acting out from a wounded place. Right. So we're trying to learn how to respond to life rather than react to life. And responding to life is bringing intention to life and understanding why we do what we do understanding why we say what we say, we're reacting to life is coming from that wounded place, or coming from that unconscious place, and just reacting to the situation or reacting to the feelings that are arising rather than taking a minute to understand that, oh, I acted that way because I was angry, or I acted that way because I was sad or I was depressed or I was anxious. The reacting to life is just reacting or responding is taking a moment to say, Oh, I'm angry. What do I want to do from here, I hope that makes sense. And other suggestions for guilt are to write a letter of forgiveness to yourself or writing a letter of forgiveness to your partner. You don't ever have to give your partner this letter, I find it to be a very therapeutic process to write letters of forgiveness. I know that when I was processing that middle school example I gave earlier, I wrote a letter of forgiveness to the girl who I excluded and who I felt like I was mean to I wrote her a letter of forgiveness. And I will never send that letter. But it was really a therapeutic process for me to see how much guilt I was carrying and how sorry I felt for this experience, and to witness myself and to forgive myself. So you may choose to write a letter of forgiveness to yourself to your partner to the other person you had the emotional affair with. But by writing a letter of forgiveness and addressing it to somebody, it can really help us to process some of the guilt or the other hard feelings that may be arising right now. Because it allows you to get out that guilt and I'm sure this guilt is arising because you feel so sorry for the pain you've caused or for your unconscious actions. So by writing and journaling or writing these letters, that forgiveness, you will be able to process some of the skills and if you choose to write a letter of forgiveness to yourself, I invite you to write it to yourself at the time of the emotional affair. So write to this version of yourself and connect to how you were feeling back then. Were you overwhelmed. Were you stressed? Were you disconnected from yourself. Were you disconnected? from your partner where you guys having relationship troubles, connect to that version of yourself and just talk to yourself, write a letter to yourself and honor where you were at then, and where you're at now through that letter of forgiveness. So another thing that may help you with this guilt is to tell your partner what happened, and to express to them that you did have an emotional affair, and any details that may seem important for your relationship in order to move forward. Sounds like your partner has been forgiving in the past. So I think that it will be a personal decision to decide if you want to disclose this new information as well. I think that when we are deciding if we are or not telling our partners, things like this, it's important to decide if you're doing out of fear or love. So if you're not telling him because you're just afraid that he's going to leave you, I would say that's making the decision on fear. And you want to connect to being intentional in a loving way. But it's important for you to become intentional about why you're not disclosing this information, because it may feel freeing for you to disclose this, and to allow yourself to see how your partner reacts. Because this guilt may just feel like a burden, because you aren't able to tell your partner and you feel like there's this big secret in the room. And I think secrets can feel like a burden that can be filled with that guilt and shame. So if it feels like a secret, and you feel like you need to tell him but you're just afraid of not telling him, I invite you to continue to process your guilt, but also maybe to find a way to disclose this information. Maybe it's in a couples therapy session, maybe you invite him to your therapy so you guys can have the conversation together. But I think that becoming intentional about why you're not telling him and seeing if that's from fear. So I'm afraid he'll leave me or if it's from love. I'm not telling him because I still need to process this and I don't have all the answers to questions will ask it. And I can't have a healthy conversation about this right now. That's a loving way, right. So if you still need to process this experience, then I think it's important for you to do that maybe before you disclose it, because he might have a lot of questions or a lot of hard feelings. And you may need to take care of you right now and create some boundaries with this information until you're ready to disclose it. But I invite you to explore if some of this guilt is just because you're holding on to a secret. Because if that's the case, it may be healthy for you to bring your partner into this and to communicate about this new pattern that you're discussing. And maybe you want to become aware of your pattern and why this pattern was happening before you disclose it. But I do invite you to explore that option as well. And I also just want to say that guilt can feel really difficult to feel. And a great way to move any really difficult emotion is through movement. So I invite you to explore movement that feels good, that could be dance that could be yoga, that could be running. But I invite you to really intentionally begin moving your body and allowing these difficult feelings to move. Because I've found that they get stuck in the body and movement can really help us to begin to process and move it out of our body. So I invite you to explore that as well. Thank you so much for this question. I hope something in this answer was helpful. I am sending you so much love as you process this guilt and this difficult experience you're currently moving through. Be kind and gentle with yourself. It's okay that you made a mistake your human. Thank you for this question.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 23:27
Thanks for taking my question. I just recently found out my boyfriend cheated last summer, I've decided to remain in the relationship and we have been going to counseling together. Things have mostly been fine so far. However, recently, we got into an argument via text. I know not ideal. And he stated that he felt when I bring things up about the past and we have an argument or disagreement about it. He sometimes feels like giving up. Do you have any advice on how to handle conflict after infidelity? Thank you so much for this question. I know how difficult it can be after infidelity. And I want to say you're not alone. And I think that this is such a beautiful question to want to know how to handle conflict after infidelity. Because I think it's such an important step in moving forward is to learn how to have these difficult conversations in a healthy way. Because as I mentioned, so many hard feelings arise after being cheated on, or even after cheating in a relationship. It's a very tense time in a relationship because both people are having a lot of hard feelings about it. And it's important to learn how to process those what's important to communicate, it was important to process on our own and to learn how to have healthy conversations. So thank you so much for this question. I know that so many people can relate to this. So thank you for asking this question. So my first piece of advice would be that I think it's important for you to learn how to set boundaries around this conflict. I think that conflict is so easily triggered after infidelity. As I mentioned, emotions are high and they're high on both sides. It sounds like your boyfriend has a lot of hard feelings. It sounds like you're having a lot of hard feelings. And I'm sure or he doesn't want to always be in fights. And you don't want to always be in fights. So I think it's important for you to create boundaries around this conflict because it sounds like you may be fighting regularly. And I think that by creating these boundaries, and these times to communicate about what's bothering both of you will help people to feel safe in your relationship, because I think that that's one of the important steps of healing from infidelity, if you both decide to stay in the relationship is to create safety within the relationship. Because often what happens when somebody is cheated on or someone cheats, the relationship does not feel like the safe space it once was, the trust is broken, and it all needs to be rebuilt. So in Episode 51, where I spoke with Andrea Giles, and we spoke about infidelity, we talked about how the healing journey and healing from infidelity is say you had a house, and it was on a really rocky Foundation, and an event happened, the cheating, we can say it's a tornado and it knocks the house down, you have the opportunity to build a house from scratch. So you want to rebuild that foundation really strong. Because no matter what, after somebody cheats in relationship, if you decide to stay, you're still rebuilding a new relationship. So you can choose to leave the relationship and build a new relationship outside of your current one. Or if you stay with the same partner, you're still rebuilding the relationship. So you're still rebuilding this house, and you want to create a sturdy foundation. And I think part of that for you will be creating boundaries and creating healthy communication styles, and learning how to communicate in a more healthy and loving way. So for example, a boundary you could create is not to fight via text message, I know that you called yourself out in the question. But I think that setting those boundaries around text, so say you find yourself getting angry, or you find you're both getting worked up and text message, it would be to stop and say, I don't want to have this discussion over text. Are you available this evening? Or I don't want to have this conversation over text, can you call me when you get to wherever you're going, or I don't think we should have this conversation via text message, can we have this discussion when you get home. But that would be a way to set a boundary, it would be to stop the pattern in its tracks, because that's a lot of times what fights are in relationships, people just end up saying the same thing on repeat over and over and over again. And it's the same fight over and over again, it's a different trigger, same fight. And you want to start catching those patterns, catching those same repeated fights, and stopping them in their tracks. And I find it's helpful to take some time. So to take a step back, so that you're able to process some of the difficult feelings that are arising so that you can communicate clearly with your partner. Because nobody can hear us when we have really difficult feelings. I wish it wasn't the case. But it is. So if you're really angry, it's going to be really hard for your partner to hear you because they're going to be triggered by your anger. And it's either going to trigger them to get angry, or they're going to get defensive or they're going to get on the offense, or they're going to feel depressed, or they're going to check out because they don't like to be yelled at. But the reason we play out these patterns and these fights over and over again, is because both people are triggered. And it's often inner child wounds. As we talked about a lot on this podcast, I really believe that so many relationship issues, go back to childhood and childhood wounds. And a great book for you and your partner that I talked about on many episodes would be getting the love you want. And so that book is written by Harville Hendricks and Helen Hunt. And they talked about the imago dialogue, which is a very simple technique. And it's a mirroring technique to learn how to communicate better. And in that book, they also talk about why we're playing out childhood wounds, and how it connects back to childhood, and how it does with the brain and our bodies wanting to heal those childhood wounds. So that's a communication book that really helped my relationship, which is why I suggest it so often. But I really invite you to explore communication books, there are so many books to help you learn how to communicate. And I think that that's going to be really helpful for you and your partner, I found that when my partner and I read the same book, it was a very helpful process for healing our relationship because we developed the same language. So I read a lot more self help books, and my partner does. And it's a lot more helpful when we both read them because we can communicate our insights and our understandings together, rather than me just secondhand, trying to educate him that hasn't been helpful when it comes to relationship books. It's really helpful when we both read them. So I invite you to talk to your partner and see if maybe that's something you would be interested in exploring and diving into reading a book that can help you communicate better. So another thing that I think will help you with this conflict is create safe spaces to have these discussions. So as I mentioned, I don't think text is necessarily the healthiest way or maybe learning to stop mid fight and come back later. Or maybe you want to set a time on the calendar. I know my partner and I used to do that we used to have like trust every Tuesday, and we used to set aside time to discuss hard issues within our relationship things that bothered us things that triggered us things we were looking to change because then we were both able to come to that conversation knowing we were going to have a difficult conversation In or knowing that one another might call each other out for something, it can be really hard to be called out in the moment, it can be triggering, right? It can trigger that fight or flight response. Because when somebody criticizes us, which is what it's so often sounds like when we're in conflict, it sounds like we're being criticized, our defenses go up. And so you want to, if you find yourself in a lot of conflict in your relationship, you want to find ways to lower that stress response, lower that fight or flight and find ways to create safety. So the two of you can have constructive conversations. So you mentioned you're both in counseling, I think that that's a really helpful place, because I'm sure you've recognized that by doing couples therapy or counseling together, that you have to stay grounded, because there's that third person there witnessing your conversation. So oftentimes, you're able to talk rather than yell at each other. And so I think that that's a really great place to start learning how to communicate with each other. And if you're still doing counseling, I invite you if you find some of these triggering things arising to maybe save them for that counseling session, and to learn how to not say everything you're thinking in the moment, because so many things that arise in the moment can feel so intense that anger can feel so intense. So say your partner made you really angry, say he told you he was going to be at one place, and he was at a different place. And that elicited a lot of anger, rather than attacking him in the moment, taking a step back. Why is this making me so angry? Oh, this is triggering trust. I feel like he lied to me. And by having that awareness, then you'll be able to have a conversation with your partner later saying, Hey, I know it may have not seemed like a big deal to you. But when you weren't where you said you were going to be. That triggered me because I felt like I couldn't trust you. And we're working on trust right now. And I felt like you lied to me that triggered that trust wound within me. Is there a reason you didn't tell me where you're going. And by saying it calmly, your partner will be able to respond hopefully in a calm way as well. And maybe he'd be like, Oh, I really thought we were going to place a but the guys wanted to go to place B. So we ended up at place B I'm so sorry, I didn't communicate that clearly, I can see why that would trigger you. Another really helpful practice, I think for relationships and partners at the beginning of learning how to communicate learning how to have a healthy relationship is to learn each other's love languages. So you can read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, or at this point, there's so much information on the internet, you can really Google five love languages, and read about them and take a test and see what your love languages and what your partner's love languages. Because I think that the love languages are so helpful, because I think that when two partners have different love languages, which is very common, you can often be trying to meet each other with your own love language. So say your love language is acts of service. So you're always doing things for your partner, you're always making him dinner, you're always cleaning, and you're always doing his laundry. And you're always getting him a drink and a snack or whatever it may be. Say that's your love language. So you do acts of service, and he doesn't respond the way you want him to. He doesn't respond like he feels loved. And you're like what the heck is going on. But in that situation would likely be that that wasn't his love language. So that's just not how he feels loved. And he may have the love language of words of affirmation. So you may be doing acts of service but criticizing him, and then he's going to feel unloved. Even though you think I'm loving you. I'm loving you. Why don't you see that I'm loving you. But you're criticizing him. So that's his love language. He's not feeling loved. I know that that was the case. In my relationship. I used to be very critical of my partner and his love language is words of affirmation. Mine is not words of affirmation. I have a hard time believing people when they say nice things. It's something I'm working through. But it's not my love language, you can give me a compliment. I'm not going to feel loved because I'm not going to believe you. Well, that's not true from my partner, my partner feels loved when people acknowledge Him when people say nice, thanks to him. And so when I was doing all this house stuff, as well as trying to create cute dates and spend quality time together, and I was buying him gifts, but I was criticizing him he didn't feel loved. And I kept being like, what the heck, I am doing so much here. Why don't you see that? And then I would just get even more critical. Like what are you see that I love you? Oh my God, you are so awful. Why are you not acknowledging me? And that criticism would make him feel unloved. So when we learned about the love languages, it was an eye opening experience for me because I had to learn how to be kinder, which was a very helpful process for our relationship, but it wasn't easy at first. So I do invite you throughout this process. When you're learning to communicate, you're learning about each other's love languages. You're learning how to set boundaries, how to create safe spaces, to be kind to yourself. None of this is easy, right? You're not going to be perfect the first time. You're not going to get it right every time you're going to learn each time though it's really setting the intention to make changes setting the intention to create safe spaces setting the intention to show up as a loving partner that will help your relationship to improve moving forward. You It's all about growing, healing and changing. But that doesn't happen overnight. So I just invite you to be gentle, kind and loving with yourself, be compassionate with yourself, you are doing work that many couples never choose to do. And I think it's a beautiful way for you and your partner to create that sturdy foundation, that loving Foundation. And I just want to honor you, and the work you're choosing to do, because the inner work isn't easy, but it's so important. And after you develop these skills, it all gets easier. And you'll see that your life just becomes less dramatic and just more filled with peace. And so I know this question was about conflict. But as I mentioned, I think that you want to start feeling some of those difficult feelings on your own. And I don't know if you see us therapists individually as well. But I think that that could be helpful for you. But I want you to start finding outlets for your feelings because they think that conflict is happening because you want your partner to know how difficult this is for you. You want them to know how angry you are, you want them to know that you're jealous or you're bitter, or that they did something wrong. And I invite you to really start taking steps back, I invite you to really start becoming intentional with your emotions. If you feel angry, find a way to process it, I find movement really helps journaling really helps. But begin processing that on your own. Because those feelings have information for you. Right so that anger once you process it is going to have a message for you. Right. So it may be telling you that a boundary was crossed or that an inner child wound was triggered or that you don't want to be in this relationship, but like whatever it is, it's going to have a message for you. But you have to process it and feel it first. And it's not going to feel good having it at somebody, it's going to create more drama and more conflict. And so you want to learn to process these on your own. So for anger, I always recommend movement is great for anger. I recommend art doing art like angry coloring, angry painting, but finding ways to process it. I invite you to explore different ways you could process the anger in nature, I think pushing on a tree stomping on the ground, throwing rocks in a river. But nature can really help us process anger because anger can feel so all consuming. And we also cannot want to hurt somebody you know, physically but moving it finding a way to physically move that anger can be really helpful for you. And if you're feeling jealous, I invite you to really sit with that jealousy, why do you feel jealous? And seeing the beliefs you created about being cheated on? What are you telling yourself about this experience? What are you telling yourself about your boyfriend? Like what are the stories you're telling yourself and starting to become aware of those because those stories are probably creating conflict. And the more you become aware of them, the more you can start to dissect them and see if they're really true, we're a lot of the stories we tell ourselves aren't true. And a lot of the stories we tell ourselves are actually connected back to the past. So this experience may have triggered past wins. That's so often the case with infidelity. So I just invite you to really start becoming aware and creating those spaces for yourself, right. So you want to create safe spaces to have conversations with your partner. You also want to create safe spaces for yourself. So if you feel yourself getting emotional, leave the room be like I need space and ask for that space, take that space to take up space. I know sometimes when people are cheated on, it can feel like they lost power in the relationship or it can feel like they were walked on or they can feel so small. And so something that can help you heal is to really start taking up space. Sometimes the conflict is you taking up space with your emotions being like, look at how angry I am. That's not how you want to take up space, how you want to take up space is setting boundaries for yourself is really connecting back to yourself and seeing what you need to move forward. What do you need to say? What do you need to feel and taking that space within? Right? Because it's you you want to connect back to throughout this experience because the more you connect back to yourself, the more you can connect with your partner. Because really, we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. And so it's important for you to spend a lot of time loving you as you're healing from this. So I hope something this answer was helpful. As always, please be compassionate, gentle kind with yourself. This is not an easy experience you're moving through. And I love that you're looking for healthy ways to communicate, you know you're looking to heal, you're looking to grow from this experience. And I think that that is so beautiful. And that is such a gift to yourself. So I just want to honor you and this experience you're moving through. Thank you so much for this question, sending you so much love.
Amanda Durocher [outro] 39:30
Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of nuvia advice. As always, I'm so grateful to be here with you each week, and to offer guidance for the healing journey. I love talking about relationships, healing and diving deep into why we do the things we do and how to heal. It's one of my great passions in life. So I'm so grateful for everyone who's still here with me for this episode. If you have not already I invite you to leave a rating and review for the podcast rating and reviews really helped to bring more people to the podcast or if you're listening on YouTube. I put all these episodes on you YouTube as well. I invite you to leave a comment and like and subscribe to my channel because the more people who leave ratings reviews or subscribe help others to know that this is a safe space for us to have these conversations because I know that these can be scary topics for people so I am so appreciative everybody who leaves a rating and review for the podcast. Thank you again for tuning in to another episode of new VA advice as always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Send you all my love. See you next time.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai